Kissinger escapes from Hell

Henry Kissinger made a daring escape from hell last night in a preposterous lunge through the main gate while security demons were busy tormenting other lost souls.

Kissinger reportedly jumped three stories to the river Acheron where a small craft waited for him. Dark angels followed him to the Cocytus and across the Styx before giving up the chase.

The former Secretary of State is allegedly the first condemned soul to ever to accomplish the feat. Unreliable sources in Hades say he had a desperate plan and accomplices.

“We got a last look at him emerging from the Styx with with former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet Ugarte under one arm and Jorge Rafael Videla, his Argentine genocidal buddy under the other.

“This is not some drama, some dress rehearsal, some illusionary truth. He is gone,” said the fallen angel.

– Bernardo O’Higgins