Goose Season Opens Early

(Ridgway, CO October 26, 2014)
The Colorado Division of Wildlife has announced that the popular Goose Season will open earlier this year to avoid heavy snows forecasted for the Western Slope. Each license will be allowed 100 points, with senior hunters enjoying 125 points. Out-of-state hunters will be charged double for less or banned from the exercise outright.
Ouray and Montrose residents can legally operate on main arteries on Montrose, Ridgway and Olathe while Silverton inhabitants can operate anywhere. Grand Junction and Delta hunters are restricted to Mesa Mall and North Fork River drainage. Gunnison and Hinsdale folks will stay home and hunt up and down the respective valley, as well as Monarch and Slumgullion Passes.
Out of state goose enthusiasts are not allowed into incorporated villages and towns but must seek prey in the wilds and the backcountry. Their licenses are only good per day and must be renewed each morning.
Licenses issued to men are for females only while licenses sold to women are for males only. Evidence of sex is strictly enforced. Gay people must apply over the counter for expanded gender paperwork. In general blondes are rated at 20 points while redheads and brunettes demand 15 points. Over 65 years-old merits a thank you. For women, males with firm posteriors are worth 20 points (with the presence of surprise, 30 points). Over 1000 licenses have been sold to females for the male hunt compared to 745 for males for the counterpart. 18 and under is off limits for both classifications.
Every time a goose is applied the offensive party must exhibit his/her license. The State of Colorado is not responsible for and will not entertain complaints against face-slaps or other bodily injuries as the result of goosing. – Tommy Middlefinger