Fed Head Shrinking Slammed by Physicians

(Ridgway) Local doctors here agree that a secret plan to shrink heads over at the Federal Reserve will due little to stimulate the sluggish economy. The controversial approach, used by primitive tribes for centuries, sidesteps the real reasons for the fiscal decline they say.

“Why would the government want to embrace such dark age policies when there are plenty of drugs to prescribe?” asked one doctor. “This leap into mirrors, charms and notions is ridiculous until we have exhausted pharmaceutical options,” she said. “Before we know it they’ll be pushing nutrition and a lot of other weird New Age propaganda down our collective throats. Now open wide and cough.”

In undressing the core problem, some at the Federal Reserve have suggested that greed, and not the common cold are to blame for the crisis. Many have gone out on a limb and suggest that, in reality, only a few heads would be reduced to get the attention of the masses.

“We realize shrinking heads is frightening and may seem a little extreme, but if the gov’ment thinks it will work who are you, the American people to argue with the experts?” asked one Fed source, speaking on behalf of his perceived constituency. “All these big heads have created the problem and now it’s time to downsize.”

The exact methodology to be employed in the head shrinking was not disclosed but insiders suggest that bonus baby CEOs would go first.

-Zorro DesPlants

“My chain-smoking doctor told me that potato, rather than grain vodka was the way to go with treating gout. So I went him one better and doubled my daily dosage. I could feel the affects lost overnight.” 

– Uncle Pahgre