DOW Won’t Buy Bear Suits

The Colorado DOW will not purchase bear suits this summer.

The announcement comes as budget cuts dictate movements by the forest wardens. Most years (since 1951) the DOW has acquired bear suits from a local vendor so as to snoop on bruins in their natural habitat.

“Our findings have been remarkable but we still haven’t figured out what makes these monsters tick,” said Gabby Haze, a longtime state ranger in the Uncompahgre National Forest who works with law enforcement to identify bad bears who may be a problem down the road.

Haze went on to say that the bear always knew they were there snapping photos and measuring footprints.

“They just ignored us although, playing along with the charade. I remember once that an amorous female bruin took a shine to my partner Al. It was during making season and we had to transfer her heart’s delight to a desk job for the remainder of the summer.”

Another time a young cub mistook Betsy, our field engineer for his mother and wouldn’t go away. We finally found his angry mother and reunited the pair. Betsy, who has no children of her own, was devastated taking an extended sick leave. She now works only with hatchery fish who have no particular family ties.

“The main reason for the termination of the bear suit things is because it is degrading and stupid for a; parties. Rangers, say the experts, would be better off driving around in their green pickups dressed as people. Bear incidents are the same either way.”

How this decision will affect the local economy in nearby Pinkyville remains unclear. The town’s income, based on bear suit manufacturing is sure to suffer due to cutbacks here and in other regions.

“They haven’t ordered moose or elk outfits since 2015 and we don’t expect any new orders in the fox or fowl categories until the winter,” said a spokesman for Ed’s Furriers. “They say the agents were engaged in unnecessary risks climbing trees to observe eagles who saw them coming for miles.”

Ed’s plans to keep the finished suits in cold storage until new markets can be established. One veteran stitcher says “Halloween might save us, otherwise it will be a paltry winter for everyone in town.”

Authorities are on the lookout for an increase in poaching for some unknown reason.

– Muriel Armbruster