Cowboys Must Register Horses

(Montrose) Local cowpunchers in Region Zen have until October 31 to register their mounts or face stiff penalties. According to a recently adopted ordinance this effects all breeds including donkeys and mules but not burros or jack-asses.

At present sheep, goats, cows and poultry remain unaffected unless they 1.) are used for herd control 2.) engaged in racing 3.) riden to town on Saturday night 4.) exhibit behavior linked to hoof and mouth or mad cow disease. Local leaders say they need to get a handle on just how many horses live in the area while critics call the move “a slow side-saddle sister to the yet another unneccessary census.”

Either way, the law is the law and compliance is demanded or animals will be confiscated and sent to dude ranches or even glue factories in the Philippines. Horse owners can register at any county court house, local feed store or in the Wal-Mart parking lot. The procedure is much like registering a car. One simply stands in line, writes a check and goes home with a meaningless slip of paper. Fees (taxes) are determined, like vehicles, by the age of the horse.

A 20-year-old sway-back will cost far less than a two-year-old stallion or brood mare. Quarter horses (compacts) will run about 80% of the ownership fees for a hay-guzzling Thoroughbred or an Arabian. Appaloosas and Pintos will be charged on the basis of composition, weight and fuel capacity.

Persons wishing to employ the controversial gelding discount should mail in requests to Horse Flesh Tax, Dept. of Bits and Harnesses, 26 Hackamore Lane, Cimarron Beach, CO. Remember to include the code or we will throw your application in the trash.

“We realize that registering one’s horse seems cumbersome, like saddling a philly for some of the younger cow punchers,” said Muriel Maunge, of the newly created agency, “but it has become a necessary part of rural life. After all, how can we issue licenses if the horses are unregistered?”

Maunge, who has never been on a horse, preferring small dogs and tropical fish, says her department will not rest until every horse is registered.

“We make no exceptions,” she snapped. “Why if I had the chance I’d register Pegasus…or even Trigger himself.”

For a related piece dial up

“The Gelded Age – Humans Surrender the Precious Gift of Rational Thought.”

By G. Peter Gatsby, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.