CELL PHONES — PAST AND FUTURE

Did anyone ever wonder what it might have been like at the Battle of Little Big Horn if George Custer would have had a cell phone?

He could have texted Major Reno for reinforcements. He could have left a message with Captain Benteen. Hell, he could have employed roaming devices and told General Alfred H. Terry of his predicament. History may have been recorded quite differently providing either a happy or sad ending depending on whom one was rooting for at the time.

But he might not have had enough bars for service out there in the Dakota Territory.

Silly? Perhaps. But consider this: What if the pharaohs had the electronic wonders tucked away in the Great Pyramids or other burial plots. Could they call out for pizza or let their mothers know things weren’t really so bad…you know, being buried with all ones’ worldly goods and all.

Imagine a cell phone on the bridge of The Nina, The Pinta or the Santa Maria. That certainly would have prevented all the stress but the underwater phone lines could have been tapped by New World tribes allowing that group, considering the immediate future, time to organize a proper (albeit violent) reception for the Spanish hordes. This concept, too, depends on the ying and yang and all the rumors of gods arriving from the west…or was it the east?

If cell phones hadn’t taken so long to be developed Napoleon may not have had his Waterloo. He might have called ahead and made dinner reservations elsewhere. Ah, the French…I wonder how difficult would it be to obtain Charlemagne’s unlisted number in the regular phone book? Maurice Chevalier’s? Sandrine Bonnaire’s?

With cellular phones at his disposal, would Robert the Devil, Duke of Normandy have engaged in obscene phone calls in 1027? Would Wamba, King of the Visigoths, still become a monk had the Lombards pestered him after hours regarding cheaper long distance rates? Would Paul Revere still have made his famous ride or would he have simply called ahead to warn of the impending British movements in 1875?

The answers to these questions and the questions themselves are far less absurd than a fat man calling around the corner for ice cream delivery on his cell phone. The entire concept is quite silly indeed. Imagine sending cell phones, in lieu of grain, to starving tribes in Africa. Imagine selfies.

Last month the the NFL’s Denver Bronco receivers were all issued cell phones with their shoulder pads. They fit inside the helmet (part of concussion protocol) so they can talk to Beau any time during a given contest. Next we’ll see the infant cell phone, a small but safe nerf device that allows anyone’s baby carriage to stay on top of developments world wide. It just mounts right there on the stroller. Some say it’s just another status symbol.

Next Month: Invisible Selfies and Calling Baby’s Voice