All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

ADOPT A WASHBOARD HALTED

(Montrose) The never popular Adopt-A-Washboard Outreach has finally been terminated according to unreliable sources here. Seemingly doomed from the start, the concept hit rock bottom with summer rains created more washboards than usual on local dirt roads. Liabilities increased, belts were tightened and the population backed off.

“We had hoped that most of the severely rutted roads would be adopted by local families and civic organizations while the slightly washed out sections would be arrogated by summer tourists and hunters,” said coordinator Everett Tinkleholland, executive director of Edith Bunker National Forest, just west of here.
Operated like the successful Adopt-A-Highway Program, the Washboard agenda was aimed at relieving the inconvenience of road damage without calling in state agencies in big orange trucks.

“What happened here is that we discovered a certain comfort, almost a pride in dirt roads,” said Tinkleholland. “Folks around here like dirt roads and will take what goes with them, even washboards.”

Funding for the procedure, reaching epidemic proportions this summer, will be shifted to more appropriate arenas such as building scenic view overlooks and removal of road kill within thirty days of initial impact.

– Warren of Wexley

“I challenged you to a drool!”
– Kid Saliva to Aaron Slobber, Bloody Hill, 1884

Anasazi may have dined on venison

(Gunnison) Anasazi tribes who may well have resided along Fossil Ridge before real estate prices drove them to lower elevations, may have subsisted on venison stew. Artifacts discovered at locations such as Gunsight Pass and the East Fork of Adler Creek indicate that the Ancient Ones often relied on venison as a mainstay in their otherwise tedious diet of roots and berries.

Pottery and wood carvings found near ruins are often adorned with primitive images of herd animals and feasting, due to the inability to store meat for long. Jewelry, often created from deer and elk horns, points to this direct food chain as well according to scientists. Surviving shreds of clothing, although quite out of style by now, indicate the use of larger mammal hides.

“Prior to the introduction of corn and kinnikinnick these migratory stone agers probably fished in alpine lakes that dot the landscape,” said legendary archaeologist Dutch Gulch, for whom both Henry Mountain and Henry Lake are named. “We’ve found evidence in the form of discarded test line and salmon egg jars previously thought to be the trappings of much latter centuries.”

Researchers at the Rocky Mountain Biological Warfare facility at Gothic appear to be in concordance with these postulates saying that cave drawings often depict warriors chasing deer, and even elk.

“We presume that the Anasazi wanted to cook and eat these species,” said Anomie Judd of the Elkton Judds, for whom Judd Falls was named. “We know they ate rabbits and fowl due to the unearthing of fossilized fur and feathers in known settlement sites but frankly the practice of eating venison stew was a surprise to us.”

“It is not known if the Anasazi also consumed their wild game in chili or made jerky as early as 600 AD when these half-naked savages supposedly resided in these mountains,” said Gulch, “but be assured we are working on that aspect of the puzzle.”
– Fred Zeppelin

Enchanted Airport Escalator Sends Passengers Flying

(Colona) The county’s only known escalator “whacked out” during rush hour Friday sending unsuspecting passengers flying and their luggage suspended in the thin mountain air.

The incident, blamed on revenge hacking by computer techies on strike at Colona International Airport, resulted in surprisingly few injuries but set flight departures back three hours. The nightly party flight to Nucla was grounded with the full passenger load rerouted to Naturita.

Firemen rescued one commuter hanging from a phony wood beam rafters, while a family from Durango had to be rescued from a damaged security checkpoint that had somehow flooded during the mishap.

According to cyber loiterers on the scene the flowing mechanism halted abruptly then cracked, whirled, whined, bowed and sprung, hurling travelers high into the air.

“It was quite a spectacle,” said one retired cowboy who likened the experience to a mad mechanized bull gone mad.
Federal Aviation experts were quickly dispatched to observe the mess of tangled tread and disjointed escalator steps. None of these people was comfortable disabling rogue escalators and went to lunch.

Several told The Horseshoe that the near disaster had been caused by local cows trampling of cyber optic infrastructure. They promised to install coaxial fiber warning radar in an attempt to outsmart the bovine element.

Readers may recall a similar incident in 2016 when the airport’s main mezzanine fountain plugged up and exploded, sending high pressure spray and cookie-cutter debris all the way into town. After a thorough investigation it became clear that someone had flushed several rolls of toilet paper down in what was classified as a non-terrorist hate crime.

The aeronautic facility will be closed until the escalator is deboned, deprogrammed and pacified. Pedestrians are urged to take the stairs until further notice.

– Gerry Mander

Toole Kicked Upstairs

(Washington) Longtime associate editor at the San Juan Horseshoe, Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole, was promoted Thursday although close friends say even he “can read between the lines” as to the paper’s intentions.

Toole himself had little coherent comment. He is supposedly overwhelmed with mindless and unnecessary administrative duties and cannot be contacted for comment.

“Getting kicked upstairs is better than downstairs,” laughed Toole, gesturing toward his groin area, as rabid supporters rallied in the streets below his once lavish, now all but abandoned balcony.

A former high wire legend, the scribe, who once toured with he famous Flying Farcheezies, has a chronic fear of heights, and did not appear on his familiar 14th story precipice. In a letter smuggled out of Horseshoe offices in a baby carriage Toole, 101, said the he sees his reassignment to a 16th story cubby hole as harsh and punitive.

“They are virtually trying to force my retirement but I still have a few good years left,” he whined. “Who will refill the water cooler and keep lead in the electric pencils when I am gone?” he lamented. “Who will call out for Chinese food and write irrelevant quotes on the bathroom walls? Who will decide which cartoons to watch on Saturday mornings?”

Refusing to be driven out of journalism but sitting glumly at his antique waterboard desk Toole said of his superiors: “First I got the cold shoulder then the lukewarm stares, then the pointy-boot.”

The restructuring comes at a difficult time for the newspaper which has just received news that it will be banned from reporting politics here until things warm up.

“That leaves dog shows and county fairs,” said one former proof-reader. “That’s not the stuff of greatness,” she said.

– Billy Mosca

Secret Service Loses Trump in bunker

“Red tie, small hands and round in the middle” is how the millions of leaflets and posters describe the now missing President of the United States as a dwindling crew of supporters pray for his safe return.

Two days ago a man fitting the description of Trump was reportedly attacked by elderly mob due to budget cuts near Union Square in Lower Manhattan. During the melee Donald Trump was irretrievably separated from the hordes of secret service personnel ordered to protect him.

“One minute he was behind us in the bunker and the next he was gone,” said one of Trump’s body guards.

Right now, according to the shocked security contingent the police don’t know anything either.

“We think he he escaped from the angry grandmothers, many armed with knitting needles and attack cats, but maybe not a mob of former supporters eager to get their hands on him.

One unreliable source allegedly watched him on foot toward the Trump Tower, where with last breath supporters managed to pull up the draw bridge and close the impenetrable gates. His close aids, having fled at the sight of blood, have been mute as to the developments.

Many secretly believe he fell down an unattended manhole but will resurface to take the reins of the gov’ment once more. They say they wuld look for him tomorrow since the White House budget slashed such benefits as sick days and overtime pay.

He’s just out playing golf,” said one Trump diehard. “He’ll be back.”

Meanwhile a massive Black Hole, feared to be the same one that engulfed House Speaker Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell, sucked in Vice President Mike Pence, leaving a power void not seen since the last days of Richard M Nixon.

Phone calls made to an 800 number attributed to the Secret Service have not generated a response.

First cell phone implant at Mao Clinic

The first-ever surgical cellphone implant procedure has been completed with doctors and hospital officials here calling it a great success. The controversial methods employed are still under review although the patient seems to be up and moving around.
The modus operandi involves making a small incision near the eyelid and installing the software. After that phase is completed the cellular device is loaded from the back of the skull where another cut is made along the tissue seams and under the hairline.

“The process may cause some lingering pain and adventures in vertigo but for the most part we are pleased with early detections and pre-op discoveries, Said Dr. Phillip Lackluster of Mao Clinic. “Sure the surgery is exploratory but what isn’t these days? I’ll tell you, when it was over, I felt like Superman coming out of the phone booth,” he said alluding to tele- communicative ancient history.

Already three of the nation’s largest communications companies have offered unlimited minutes if the still unidentified recipient will endorse their product. It was not clear what type of plan might be constructed or what other arrangements will be necessary to create a strong signal while expanding the calling area.

Lackluster then told The Horseshoe that convenience appears to have won out over natural health.

“It’s all a bit messy at this stage but we hope to improve our skills as we go,” explained the surgon. “The demand for this medical procedure is growing as we speak. Our test case may feel a little nausea and some cramping for a few weeks but it is unlikely that he will miss any phone calls.”

– Tommy Middlefinger