All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Toole Kicked Upstairs

(Washington) Longtime associate editor at the San Juan Horseshoe, Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole, was promoted Thursday although close friends say even he “can read between the lines” as to the paper’s intentions.

Toole himself had little coherent comment. He is supposedly overwhelmed with mindless and unnecessary administrative duties and cannot be contacted for comment.

“Getting kicked upstairs is better than downstairs,” laughed Toole, gesturing toward his groin area, as rabid supporters rallied in the streets below his once lavish, now all but abandoned balcony.

A former high wire legend, the scribe, who once toured with he famous Flying Farcheezies, has a chronic fear of heights, and did not appear on his familiar 14th story precipice. In a letter smuggled out of Horseshoe offices in a baby carriage Toole, 101, said the he sees his reassignment to a 16th story cubby hole as harsh and punitive.

“They are virtually trying to force my retirement but I still have a few good years left,” he whined. “Who will refill the water cooler and keep lead in the electric pencils when I am gone?” he lamented. “Who will call out for Chinese food and write irrelevant quotes on the bathroom walls? Who will decide which cartoons to watch on Saturday mornings?”

Refusing to be driven out of journalism but sitting glumly at his antique waterboard desk Toole said of his superiors: “First I got the cold shoulder then the lukewarm stares, then the pointy-boot.”

The restructuring comes at a difficult time for the newspaper which has just received news that it will be banned from reporting politics here until things warm up.

“That leaves dog shows and county fairs,” said one former proof-reader. “That’s not the stuff of greatness,” she said.

– Billy Mosca

Secret Service Loses Trump in bunker

“Red tie, small hands and round in the middle” is how the millions of leaflets and posters describe the now missing President of the United States as a dwindling crew of supporters pray for his safe return.

Two days ago a man fitting the description of Trump was reportedly attacked by elderly mob due to budget cuts near Union Square in Lower Manhattan. During the melee Donald Trump was irretrievably separated from the hordes of secret service personnel ordered to protect him.

“One minute he was behind us in the bunker and the next he was gone,” said one of Trump’s body guards.

Right now, according to the shocked security contingent the police don’t know anything either.

“We think he he escaped from the angry grandmothers, many armed with knitting needles and attack cats, but maybe not a mob of former supporters eager to get their hands on him.

One unreliable source allegedly watched him on foot toward the Trump Tower, where with last breath supporters managed to pull up the draw bridge and close the impenetrable gates. His close aids, having fled at the sight of blood, have been mute as to the developments.

Many secretly believe he fell down an unattended manhole but will resurface to take the reins of the gov’ment once more. They say they wuld look for him tomorrow since the White House budget slashed such benefits as sick days and overtime pay.

He’s just out playing golf,” said one Trump diehard. “He’ll be back.”

Meanwhile a massive Black Hole, feared to be the same one that engulfed House Speaker Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell, sucked in Vice President Mike Pence, leaving a power void not seen since the last days of Richard M Nixon.

Phone calls made to an 800 number attributed to the Secret Service have not generated a response.

First cell phone implant at Mao Clinic

The first-ever surgical cellphone implant procedure has been completed with doctors and hospital officials here calling it a great success. The controversial methods employed are still under review although the patient seems to be up and moving around.
The modus operandi involves making a small incision near the eyelid and installing the software. After that phase is completed the cellular device is loaded from the back of the skull where another cut is made along the tissue seams and under the hairline.

“The process may cause some lingering pain and adventures in vertigo but for the most part we are pleased with early detections and pre-op discoveries, Said Dr. Phillip Lackluster of Mao Clinic. “Sure the surgery is exploratory but what isn’t these days? I’ll tell you, when it was over, I felt like Superman coming out of the phone booth,” he said alluding to tele- communicative ancient history.

Already three of the nation’s largest communications companies have offered unlimited minutes if the still unidentified recipient will endorse their product. It was not clear what type of plan might be constructed or what other arrangements will be necessary to create a strong signal while expanding the calling area.

Lackluster then told The Horseshoe that convenience appears to have won out over natural health.

“It’s all a bit messy at this stage but we hope to improve our skills as we go,” explained the surgon. “The demand for this medical procedure is growing as we speak. Our test case may feel a little nausea and some cramping for a few weeks but it is unlikely that he will miss any phone calls.”

– Tommy Middlefinger

Back to the mountains soon

…but I’ll miss days on the beach in Vietnam

Tsunami Gets Best of Scribe

(Okinawa) A visiting dignitary was badly beaten while swimming amid the exotic Ryukyu Islands according to a report filed this morning. Melvin Toole, the governor pro tem of Palau Island, was recovered hours later in the nets of a local fishermen who plans to sue everyone remotely involved in the incident.

Toole, who claims royal lineage dating back to the Sumerian pirates who once roamed these shores, is the author of Seeing the World From the Bottom of the Sea. His book chronicles adventures experienced while in the Portuguese submarine service during the Falkland Wars.

Legally referred to as Melvin DeRiviera Dot Com Toolini the almost knighted carbuncle, reportedly lost his monogrammed umbrella to the storm. At press time it has not been recovered.

Utopia Busted

(Crested Butte — Wing and a Prayer Review — March, 2017)

Police arrested over 300 persons in a predawn raid near Dark Canyon this morning. Those now in custody are wanted in connection with the establishment of utopian society up high in the Elk Mountains and away from the 21st Century.

It is believed that the community has been functioning without currency or taxes and has survived by selling cookies in town and trading the profits for necessities.
Police were tipped off to the existence of the utopia by carnivorous backpackers who came upon the scant encampment while wandering around lost in the woods.

Along with the detained, a subsequent search of the area netted an estimated 1700 pounds of chocolate chips and almost a ton of pecans with an estimated street value of $1.4 billion. Other paraphernalia such as mixing bowls, Dutch ovens and countless aprons were seized.

It is hoped that this action will severely curtail and seriously diminish illicit cookie operations in accordance with the far-reaching War on Fudge coming to a checkpoint near you.

– Tommy Middlefinger