All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
GHOST WRITERS FRIGHTEN TRIBES
(Placerville) Ghost writers, allegedly in the employ of the San Juan Horseshoe, have been scaring the daylights out of stone age tribesmen camped on the edge of the San Miguel River here. The primitives, at first hostile, have taken to worshipping the spirit scribes, bestowing them with lavish gifts of gold and tellurium.
A longtime policy at the paper calls for the hiring of a skeleton crew of ghost writers for the summer so as to pursue historical documentation with minor embellishment.
According to publisher General Kashmir Horseshoe (CSA 1861-1863; USA 1863-1865) retired it is far easier recording local history when one is surrounded by a staff that actually lived during the prescribed period.
“Our agenda calls for first-hand accounts, not hearsay as practiced by so many other annal sorcerers,” spat the general. “Besides, we don’t have to pay them much, a few cheap beers and a few bags of jerky.”
Peculiarities like this tend to become debauched by chroniclers and then blown out of proportion by local plebeians already upset by news of spring riots in Purgatory and strikes in Limbo. Chanting
“Let us out or send us down,” unruly mobs of poor souls in both places are still out of control. At press time local authorities are cautious not to draw parallels to the two separate incidents, preferring to call the whole charade a paradox.
–Mary Wanna
No Smoking Section on Death Row
(Canon City) The Colorado Department of Corrections has yielded to pressure from prison activists to establish a strict No Smoking policy for the facility by spring. At present smoking is permitted on Death Row while other inmates are restricted from puffing in their cells, at chow and in the laundry.
“These anti-smoke people are within their rights,” said Zannie B. Volt, executive director of inmate-guard relations here. “It’s not fair for anyone to be exposed to secondhand smoke. It makes the whole cell smell.”
Costs as well as health considerations highlight a 3700-page report on the matter. Smoking in the yard will be acceptable if the prisoner has fulfilled other duties. The television lounge and weight room are off limits as is the visiting complex. The termination of smoking in these locales should alleviate pressure from black marketing and improve dental checkups.
“If you want to bring an incarcerated friend or relative a gift in jail try a cake with a file or maybe some bubble bath,” said Volt. “Just kidding,” he added.
Volt has been credited with the interior design of over 2000 cells from Wyoming to Miami and the blueprint for some 350 lightweight gallows scaffolding, made from recycled playground equipment. In 2007 he instituted industry fashion standards, getting away from the traditional stripes in favor of more checks and plaids (including the popular Plea Bargain Jumpsuit) in inmate attire. – Rocky Flats
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain to unnamed literary critic
Good Advice
By Rev. Phillip Pharisee
Hello friends and special patrons. Welcome to Cousin Phil’s Sanctimonious Salvation Parlor and Halfway Lunch Counter.
We are pleased to see that so many of you negotiated the little windshield flyers and found us in the right strip mall so “Come on in for a cup of java and a rap at the hip quick-way-to-paradise church and progressive pyramid accounting temple.
But never you mind the details. We’ll take care of everything whether its your eternal soul or the souls of those worn out penny loafers.
Today I’d like to remind the faithful that we must honor and protect His gifts that I am bestowing on the deserving among you. We must be in awe of His universe and not take these wonderful handouts for granted. The entire Creation is yours to enjoy at the top of the pecking order. The pagans and the other species can have what is left when you are done with it.
Now, friends have asked: “Rev. Pharisee, how can I protect the vast universe when I can’t even see it?”
The answers to that and a lot of other pertinent questions about faith and hope can be answered in my newest self-published paperback “The Heathen and Heaven” where I lay it down so that anyone can grasp the keen relationships between God and man. It can be purchased right along with your lunch today.
We all spend far too much time chasing the almighty dollar when we should be chasing the Almighty Himself. We ignore His gifts and place them as secondary in our unbalanced set of priorities. A blade of grass for instance: have you ever really looked closely at one? It is perfectly proportioned. Did it come from a monkey too? Certainly not!
Only He and His wisdom could offer this fine congregation something on such a grand scale. It’s a virtual miracle.
Choose the man from Montrose, Colorado
Hint: It isn’t former Attorney General Eric Holder. Guess correctly and you could win a new car!
EDITORIAL #611
Snow balls a menace to the peace
During recent visits to Crested Butte we have repeatedly been shocked to see juveniles engaging in the inappropriate behavior of snowball throwing. It would be bad enough if these junior scoundrels were simply battling it out among themselves, but they have encouraged the combat to cross over into other, more moral segments of society.
Haven’t we come any farther than this? Are we still like monkeys hanging out of bark-infested trees hurling coconuts at four-legged beasts sentenced to the cruelties of gravity? Is there no law and order? Will no one stand up and be counted?
It’s getting so that one does not even see the traditional beaver pelt stovepipe top hat on the street anymore. We cannot blame the occupants of this fashionable, flamboyant headgear for succumbing to the icy threats of street punks, scarf-masked thugs and pre-pubescent hooligans.
Why just this morning on Whitrock Avenue, a gentleman, attempting to negotiate the stairs at Snyder’s Shed and Breakfast was accosted by alley urchins armed with snowballs. Before he could duck back into the familiar confines of his redoubt they were on him, pelting him with the little arctic missiles, knocking his hat to the ground, purposely upsetting his daily constitution, causing him considerable injustice.
Some of these little criminals even travel with dogs.
Will we the responsible members of society just sit back and wait until our civilization tumbles into the abyss? Remember the Saracens? Remember Chamberlain and Czechoslovakia?
The solution, although awkward, is a simple one: Remove the projectiles of this roughhewn subculture by removing the fallen snow. The town already has the trucks. Let’s get on with it and look forward to a more peaceful, secure tomorrow for everyone. And while we’re at it let’s go ahead and get rid of the dogs and kids too.
– Fred Zeppelin
