All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Impending garbage strike a boon for black bear

(Manana) A threatened garbage strike, coupled with unseasonably warm weather, could cause black bears to get out of bed long before fully embracing hibernation cycle.

Workers who have yet to set a date for the work stoppage are striking for higher wages and benefits they say were promised two years ago. The move is aimed at large garbage collection companies with the mom and pop trash companies falling through the cracks.

“We expect to be busy and to acquire some new clients, especially when the garbage builds up and they are forced to drive to the dump,” said the owner of Dupree Debris Rubbish, which first started picking up their neighbors’ refuse back in 1980.

Town officials hope to settle the matter before further action takes place. The local populace is mixed on how to react and who is to blame for the potential interruption of this basic service.

“It’s a health issue we’re talking about here,” said one garbage executive from his office somewhere on the East Coast. “These unions will be the scourges of us all. It is clear that outside agitators are at work, probably liberals.”

Many bear have reportedly been stockpiling crude primitive burglary tools for an all out assault on what could be overflowing garbage receptacles, crippled by the shear magnitude of it all. Talents honed during the long months of “hibernation” could leave militias and law enforcement vulnerable in the face of hungry bear.

The animals are just looking for a snack before bed,” said one biologist. “Frankly they may be doing us a favor dining in this peculiar manner. What else are we going to do with all the accumulating trash?”

– Suzie Compost

Next: Bear-proof trash receptacles even you can open

TV Doctors Isolate Comparative Gene

(Hollywood) Television doctors here have successfully isolated what some are calling the Lowest Common Denominator Gene. The illusive unit of heredity has been linked to general comprehension sways and positive sense of place in a shifting landscape.

Persons engaged in chronic television rituals such as electronic marathons and the embrace of local news programs often populate the sterile hallways of the quantum test cases transferred from easy chair to viewer. This control group has been the subject of much discussion since the inception of the intrusive medium in the early 50s.

“We have found that people who have no access to television are smarter and more qualified to survive than those who ingest the pablum of the airwaves,” said a researcher. “In short, many groups seen as primitive engage in more valid pursuits than those who stare at and respond to insipid movements inside the idiot box.”

While many social scientists agree with this perception, at least in theory, some are hesitant to condemn the entire industry without further cross-examination.

They conclude that genes make up a distinct sequence of nucleotides forming part of a chromosome, the order of which determines the order of monomers in a polypeptide or nucleic acid molecule which a cell (or virus) may synthesize.

The TV doctor team that created the breakthrough

This represents significant shift from the days when a television was a substantial piece of furniture with a tiny black and white screen. In the age of flat screens and bad public schools a majority recommends no more than 23 hours of television per day (not counting bathroom breaks and quality time with pets).

In preternatural observation the habitual TV enthusiast cannot tell the difference between real physicians and actors playing them on the tube.

“They all have white coats, clean hands and that air about them that makes it all but impossible to differentiate,” said the researcher, clutching a handful of opiates. “Even though most of it is voodoo there are distinct patterns developing that threaten to destroy the trust most have in the medical profession”

What remains as the quintessential question: Does one want to live life or watch it float mindlessly by, bookended by bad writing and violence.

“What we accept on TV generally conflicts with the basic food, clothing and shelter syndrome that dictates fear levels and morality,” continued our source, “It’s just another eternal balancing act with no net.”

– Gabby Haze 

CONGRESS TO VOTE ON 25-HOUR DAY

(Washington) The U.S. House of Reprehensibles has scheduled a vote on whether to add an hour to each day of the week. Despite the obvious inconveniences, a majority of the legislators seem to think the bill will become law this week.

“If passed the new bill would be even sillier than Daylight Savings Time, clean shave campaigning and the electoral process all rolled into one,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). “If I didn’t hear the proposal with my own ears I’d have said it was a bad joke.”

Noise told The Horseshoe that increasing the hours in a day was nothing more than a smokescreen thrown up by members of Congress accused of ethics violations. He said it was an attempt to conceal questionable behavior by keeping the public off balance.

“If people don’t know what day it is they are less likely to notice our shenanigans,” he smiled.

Noise is currently under investigation on some 300 ethics charges which allegedly include the sale of weapons before breakfast, illegally dumping household trash in the Congressional dumpster and leaving the seat up in a unisex latrine at the White House. He is expected to plead no lo contesto sometime next week.

“If all the senators and representatives who are under the gun with regards to ethics violations vote for the 25-hour day you’d better buy a new calendar,” quipped Noise. “I myself prefer the hour glass which doesn’t require a battery or winding. All one has to do is turn the thing over and he automatically buys himself a little more time. That’s how government works.”

The Congress, only in session for about three months per year due to rampant absenteeism, trips to the bank and campaigning, The legislative body will also decide on other issues such as the validity of eclectric cars, a new logo for Supreme Court judge’s costumes, what to buy for Billy Joel’s new baby and whether the presence of women behind the wheel of a car in Saudi Arabia will drive up the price of crude oil.

 “Then we’ll have lunch,” snipped Noise.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

When we die do our passwords go with us?

Most of us, even those who fight it, are burdened with an assortment of internet passwords, many that have little clarity or purpose as to security or access. They seem to be just another embrace of the reality that tears us away from nature and forces us to become just a little more out of touch with being human. Doesn’t matter if we want them or not. They have become part of our lives just like crab grass and breakfast on the run.

Encountering breathless hyperbole of this dark nature is one thing whereas falling down the rabbit hole of mindless security is altogether different. Do we need a password to buy a loaf of bread or a new car? What if a person forgets his bathroom password or the password on his corkscrew?

Armed with pages of passwords humans are out of vogue, replaced by computer apps and robots. Futuristic predictions about chips in our foreheads are not so far fetched.

Next month: Was that saintpeterpearlygates.com? or beelzebub@hellshalfacre.org?

Trump Administration Passes Expiration Date

     An announcement this morning that the Trump Administration had dangerously passed its expiration date left staffers scurrying around and onlookers wondering. It was not clear if today was the day or if the throw away date had passed.

     “It’s clearly marked on the inside of president’s ties,” said one invertebrate Democrat. “He knew.”

     Most people agree that the doings of the current White House are just a distraction so that the rich people in this country can make more money on the backs of the poor. It seems to be working. In the Washington Post alone there were seven headlines showcased the T Word.

     Meanwhile a skimpy thong of protestors held signs reading: Do not sell after this date. It appears too early to tell if The Wall. repeal of Obamacare, tax reform, and Russian probes were enhanced by the publicity and echoes of the coming Apocalypse.

     “These have been familiar elevator tunes lurking n the background of the musical chairs performances over at the White House,” added the aforementioned Democrat. “Considering the madness about, we all might be soon surviving on whatever we can get our hands on at the time. Expiration dates mean little to the illiterate. I myself keep a full tank of gas and an overnight bag in my jet. I hear Mars is nice this time of the year.”

For related piece please turn to Congressional IQ Test Comes Back Negative

Stacking Wood For Winter May Require Building Permit

(Gunnison) If you plan to construct a wood pile for the coming winter first you might have to acquire a building permit from the city here. Stipulations as to the size of the structure and longevity of its very existence will determine the cost of such a license.

Residents are also reminded that they must own at least two lots and have utilities in place before the first piece of oak or aspen is chopped and stacked.

Although thought to be extreme by many, the new restrictions should raise nearly $5000 in revenues which will be earmarked for a Christmas party for local sanitation engineers in December. Known as the Garbageman’s Ball, the event fell out of favor with the local city council when it became apparent that 70% of the city’s population relies on garbage men rather than elected officials to get necessary information on city matters. Rumors of beer drinking at the ball further clouded the gullible public appraisal.

The council intends to follow through with this plan if it’s the last and only thing they do before the holidays, according to a source there.

“At least we’re the ones they show on TV, and not those garbage ruffians,” said one councilmember.

The weekly council meetings are shown on clothes circuit TV every Monday night, bookended by classic episodes of I Love Lucy.

Meanwhile in adjacent Crested Butte, leaders there praised themselves for restraint in this matter. In Telluride, politicos, bruised from accusations that they are far too bureaucratic for their own good, also lauded official moderation on the general subject of wood stacks.

Readers will note that both ski burgs have strict wood burning ordinances and the zones are virtually wood stack free as of press time. Anyone building wood stacks there would almost have to be doing it for the exercise.

– Rocky Flats