All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

When we die do our passwords go with us?

Most of us, even those who fight it, are burdened with an assortment of internet passwords, many that have little clarity or purpose as to security or access. They seem to be just another embrace of the reality that tears us away from nature and forces us to become just a little more out of touch with being human. Doesn’t matter if we want them or not. They have become part of our lives just like crab grass and breakfast on the run.

Encountering breathless hyperbole of this dark nature is one thing whereas falling down the rabbit hole of mindless security is altogether different. Do we need a password to buy a loaf of bread or a new car? What if a person forgets his bathroom password or the password on his corkscrew?

Armed with pages of passwords humans are out of vogue, replaced by computer apps and robots. Futuristic predictions about chips in our foreheads are not so far fetched.

Next month: Was that saintpeterpearlygates.com? or beelzebub@hellshalfacre.org?

Trump Administration Passes Expiration Date

     An announcement this morning that the Trump Administration had dangerously passed its expiration date left staffers scurrying around and onlookers wondering. It was not clear if today was the day or if the throw away date had passed.

     “It’s clearly marked on the inside of president’s ties,” said one invertebrate Democrat. “He knew.”

     Most people agree that the doings of the current White House are just a distraction so that the rich people in this country can make more money on the backs of the poor. It seems to be working. In the Washington Post alone there were seven headlines showcased the T Word.

     Meanwhile a skimpy thong of protestors held signs reading: Do not sell after this date. It appears too early to tell if The Wall. repeal of Obamacare, tax reform, and Russian probes were enhanced by the publicity and echoes of the coming Apocalypse.

     “These have been familiar elevator tunes lurking n the background of the musical chairs performances over at the White House,” added the aforementioned Democrat. “Considering the madness about, we all might be soon surviving on whatever we can get our hands on at the time. Expiration dates mean little to the illiterate. I myself keep a full tank of gas and an overnight bag in my jet. I hear Mars is nice this time of the year.”

For related piece please turn to Congressional IQ Test Comes Back Negative

Stacking Wood For Winter May Require Building Permit

(Gunnison) If you plan to construct a wood pile for the coming winter first you might have to acquire a building permit from the city here. Stipulations as to the size of the structure and longevity of its very existence will determine the cost of such a license.

Residents are also reminded that they must own at least two lots and have utilities in place before the first piece of oak or aspen is chopped and stacked.

Although thought to be extreme by many, the new restrictions should raise nearly $5000 in revenues which will be earmarked for a Christmas party for local sanitation engineers in December. Known as the Garbageman’s Ball, the event fell out of favor with the local city council when it became apparent that 70% of the city’s population relies on garbage men rather than elected officials to get necessary information on city matters. Rumors of beer drinking at the ball further clouded the gullible public appraisal.

The council intends to follow through with this plan if it’s the last and only thing they do before the holidays, according to a source there.

“At least we’re the ones they show on TV, and not those garbage ruffians,” said one councilmember.

The weekly council meetings are shown on clothes circuit TV every Monday night, bookended by classic episodes of I Love Lucy.

Meanwhile in adjacent Crested Butte, leaders there praised themselves for restraint in this matter. In Telluride, politicos, bruised from accusations that they are far too bureaucratic for their own good, also lauded official moderation on the general subject of wood stacks.

Readers will note that both ski burgs have strict wood burning ordinances and the zones are virtually wood stack free as of press time. Anyone building wood stacks there would almost have to be doing it for the exercise.

– Rocky Flats

Regional Shorts

with Muffy Hollandaise

Use of Elk DNA chumming says DOW

(Norwood) Hunters using elk and deer DNA to aid in tracking specific animals could face up to $500 in fines says the Colorado Division of Wildlife. In addition using cow elk DNA to attract bull elk in the woods is likewise illegal.

The emergence of DNA as a legitimate tool in law enforcement in no way allows private citizens to employ the technology in their own lives adds the DOW.

“It’s basically chumming,” says Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, animal behaviorist and all around party fool who is employed by the Fish and Game this season. “It’s not fair. Everyone knows bear baiting with candy and tempting boy mountain lion with girl mountain lion urine is questionable but this DNA thing — It’s not sporting.”

Pennywhistle went on to say that hunting with the aid of deer and elk DNA is “like shooting coyotes from an airplane or ducks with a machine gun or chipmunks with hand-held missiles”.

The DOW will be checking hunters for signs of molecular detection devices of all kinds this season in addition to the normal course of checking other credentials.

 “Anyone we catch with elk DNA in their possession, without an accompanying animal, will spend the night in jail,” he warned.

Chamber to show Fall Colors

(Manana) The local chamber of commerce will present a slide show entitled Fall Colors for anyone afraid to go out in the woods this time of the year. The film will be shown every afternoon from 1:30 to 3:30 pm and is free of charge.

Highlights include aspen trees in full gold decor, oak in red (some imported)  and pine in green. Along with this spectacular sight will be blue skies and mountains dusted with early snow. Even a bear gets into the act as he chases photographer Melvin Toole down a one-way deer path near Twin Peaks.

Although the presence of hunters and international terrorists has created a sub-culture of Americans who spend 24 hours a day indoors, this slide show is for the rest of us…people like you and me who don’t have time to drive around looking at trees and bushes.

Fall Colors is available on DVD for $19.99. To order call Finn McCool over at the Manana Chamber.

Gelding Survives Lightening Strike

(Crested Butte) A six-year-old gelding is in good condition after a direct hit by a rogue bolt of lightening yesterday afternoon. The quarter horse, owned by Slim Tinkleholland of Quantum Sunset Ranch, said his charge is responding to oat therapy and seems to have regained his faculties after the traumatic exploit.

“Actually he doesn’t look any different than he usually does ,” said the rancher. “He spends almost everyday staring into space. We think he’s trying to recollect his days as a stallion when mares were fair game and all.”

Readers may recall a similar incident involving a Hereford cow last year when lightening struck her twice in the same pasture on the same afternoon. In that case the cow returned to work the next day with no measurable loss of mental capacity. The result was quite different back in 1996 when a Holstein bull was struck by lightening at the entrance to a metal barn while standing in a bucket of water holding a seven iron between his teeth. Although he survives to this day he has never been the same.

“People think cows are flat stupid,” said Tinkleholland, “and they’re right.”

Howardsville Votes Wet

(Silverton) Voters in Howardsville rushed to the polls Wednesday to cast their votes on whether to allow alcohol consumption within the town limits. The final tally: 7 for…1 against, succeeded in approving the measure which goes into effect immediately.

Almost upon cue hundreds of thirsty residents of nearby Silverton, Gladstone and Eureka descended onto the town and drank it dry in less the four hours.

“What good’s a wet district when we’re out of whiskey?” asked one old timer who voted for the measure.

Meanwhile voters in Hinsdale County have until the weekend to decide on the status of intoxicants in their neck of the woods. An amendment has been introduced calling for the termination of alcohol sales during the winter months. According to angry citizens, there the bill was first presented by a second home owner from Fort Worth who spends his winters in Sapinero, Florida..

“That flatlander drinks like a fish all summer then tries to ruin it for those of us that spend our winters here,” said Lake City native Bambi LaRue, a former Playboy centerfold model who lives alone in a plush crushed velour and marble double-wide near Lake San Cristobal.

Opponents of the dry county referendum hope that Hinsdale County will reject bluenose notions and join with locales in San Juan County who are now legally wet.

“If we all stick together we can form a voting block all across the San Juans which should in turn protect and insulate the miles of stills that currently grace Cinnamon Pass,” purred LaRue. “It’s nice to see all those thirsty people come out and do their civic duty. We certainly have deep throats in these parts.”

Poodle, eaten by bear, had just been to groomer

(Ouray) The toy poodle which was attacked and consumed by a hungry sow black bear last week had only that morning returned from an extensive grooming session. Although still in shock, the dog’s owner, Lucy Cannon, of Enid, Oklahoma told The Horseshoe that she was out walking her poodle named King along the Portland Trail when a large bear, estimated to weigh over 300 pounds jumped out from the brush, snarled, dragged the dog off and was gone.

Cannon intends to sue the Division of Wildlife for damages, hoping to recoup losses estimated to be in the neighborhood of $115.

“I spent that much having him clipped and shampooed and that doesn’t count nails and teeth,” cried Cannon. “Now I’m out my poodle and the groomer’s fees.”

Although the groomer, Fur Thee Well Paradise, a chain out of Buckeye, Arizona, did not return our calls we did speak to a ranger who patrols in that region.

“She didn’t have the dog on a leash so she was breaking the law anyway,” he said. “She’s lucky we don’t press charges. She’s damn lucky we’ve had rain and the bear have berries to eat. Last year she might have been the main course with her little dog as dessert.”

MATH TODAY

If your Uncle Sam saved $55.6 billion dollars by suspending operations in the wake of a flurry of hurricanes last month what tax cuts could be enjoyed by the already wealthy among us? How much could the rich then save if Puerto Rico or St. John experienced a tropical storm once a month? What about twice a month?

Write answer on a photo of Mike Pence and promptly discard.

Thanks for playing MATH TODAY

Howdy Law Amendment Travels to Senate

(Barnacle-on-Potomac) Western hospitality is alive an well after weeks in the House of Representatives. That’s where the populist Howdy Law has been hanging its’ Stetson since September.

Originally bulldogged into law by the Montrose (Colorado) City Council and quickly approved by the County Commissars, the Howdy Law has received quite a little press since it’s virgin implementation at this Western Colorado town in 1994. Lots of other municipalities and counties have adopted the legislation. Some have written it into city and county ordinances while others have simply encouraged the local population to live by the simple do unto others creed that is inherent to a healthy society.

The Howdy Law, as originally written, simply calls for outward signs of friendliness by saying Howdy to people one encounters on the street. It endorses gregariousness as a way of life and the end result is a happier, thriving population. For old timers it’s the only acceptable way to be, and is therefore comfortable in all social exchanges. For the urban refugee it is restorative and hygienic. It allows the soul to bloom in its new environs.

Now the federals are on the verge of passing legislation that would adopt the Howdy Law as the edict of note and quite possibly the prescription for what ails us as a nation. In most cultures a greeting is basic. Here in the suburb-choked, dollar-days USA we are more likely to run someone over with our shiny new car than slow down to belt out an topical hello.

At first the local Howdy Law was based on the honor system but after a few months a person could expect a toothless summons for any sign of animosity in the face of such a greeting. To be sure there were those who said their right to be anti-social was being eroded and the civil libertarians jumped into the fray. A lawsuit was filed and people got haute and hot. Fortunately the paperwork was mysteriously misplaced and the court records allegedly remain stashed under a pile of dog-at-large citations and drunk driving plea bargains in the quart house storm cellar.

In 1996, then Governor Roy Romero signed a breakthrough bill that adopted the Howdy Law all across the state. It became the bible for the tourist industry with dude ranches teaching their little dudes and dudettes to employ it on trail rides and ski areas demanding that their close-cropped employees say Howdy to visitors as many as 200 times per day.

What these greenhorn mercantilists often don’t remember is that the whole thing started here on the banks of the Uncompahgre River where the concept of Howdy is as natural as clear blue skies and as sure as  sagebrush perfume. Despite rampant growth and questionable land use over the past years Montrose remains a friendly place. Even the cops say Howdy, then they put on the cuffs.

Do some of us think friendly is not cosmopolitan or sophisticated enough? The other evening in what was once a small town I stood in the checkout line at the grocery. There were lots of people there that I had never seen. No one spoke. Suddenly in my advanced state of Holy Joe judgment I realized two things, 1.) I was the only person, in elephant pants, a Hawaiian shirt and cowboy boots 2.) In my attempt to get on with the purchase of whipped cream and green chili salsa I didn’t say anything to anyone either.

Estrangement often predicates violence as the disaffected act out their fatal frustrations. We don’t have to bring up road rage or kids with guns to illustrate that point (the man on TV does that for us every hour on the hour). Maybe a crisp Hello In There, as song writer John Prine puts it, could defuse the situation. The feds seem to think so, and isn’t that entity infallible in matters of benevolent dictation?

Enough preaching. If all goes according to plan the Senate will vote on this matter of mandatory greeting tomorrow and the Howdy Law will be in the books (allow six to eight weeks for delivery) In other business, the legislative body will, in what critics are calling another pay raise masquerade, cast a final vote this week on whether to allow service animals into the chamber. How do?

– Kashmir Horseshoe

SCIENTISTS CLONE BUCKET OF WATER

A research scientist poses with archaic salination apparatus moments before successfully cloning a bucket of water at Gothic, Colorado. Investors here hope the discovery will ease water shortages and allow humans to continue to abuse the life sustaining element.

(Gothic) Scientists at the Rocky Mountain Biological Lab here have successfully cloned about a pail of water. Working around the clock since June these cutting edge researchers confirm that water was created, albeit in small proportions, after combining genetic cells of several indigenous species with captured moisture and a residue of hydrogen and oxygen molecules.

Other than that they aren’t talking.

Overshadowed for years by projects aimed at cloning everything from chickens to people, the water creation came about with little federal funding, the operations budget evolving from alternative sources. Many of the day to day expenses were covered by local environmental groups with the remainder of the research money coming from state and local water boards, militant ditch riders and ranching interests.

“Most water boards, especially on the Confront Range, made their contributions anonymously or under the umbrella of hastily contrived public corporations,” said Melvin O’Toole, executive director of RMBL. “They didn’t want anyone to connect them to this innovative approach in case it failed.”

The cloned water is on display at Tony’s Conoco through February 12 when it will be shipped to Denver for analysis. Already conservationists have filed a lawsuit to prevent the water from being adjudicated for suburbs and golf corpses in the Denver metro area. They say that once the phenomenon reaches the heavily populated areas to the east the Western Slope will never get it back.

Meanwhile scientists here say they can clone larger amounts of water just as soon as they gain approval from regulatory boards and the federal government.

“They want to make sure that the excess water does not adversely affect the price of existing water,” continued O’Toole. “It’s like oil, milk or many other liquid forms. An abundance of water could cause prices to drop and result in a negative impact on the market.”

Many local watchdogs contend that the price of water has always been in the bargain basement and that any new water in this valley would be welcome news. Acknowledged as the breakthrough of the last century, the creation of abundant water supplies will change everything, they say.

“What the rest of the Rocky Mountains does with this new found treasure is their business,” said one environmentalist. “Soon we may see more green fields, experiments with high yield crops, more trees, less desert and, yes, more golf corpses. We have skirted the issue for far too long thinking that new sources of the life liquid would be found. Now we appear to be on the threshold of ice-cold discovery.”

For decades physicians, set on pathological career advancement and fame associated with medical breakthroughs, have focused on cloning living things. Despite condemnation from the government and religious groups they have blindly followed task, the medical hierarchy smiling in approval.
“For no other reason than the earth’s overpopulation this research must be terminated,” said O’Toole. “We don’t need any more people. But we do need a lot more water!”

Moments after the announcement a host of corporate interests were on the scene attempting to file patents, carve out deals and make claims of the new water. They seek to control the cloned substance and thus sell it to consumers at exorbitant prices.

“It’s the American way,” said one real estate executive who seeks to gain rights for a 10,000-home suburb east of Denver. “We have no water now but we have to keep feeding the monster that we have created or he’ll turn on us. Look at the pharmaceutical companies. They get away with whatever they like. If the people ever rise up and take back what is theirs we’ll all be on the chopping block.”

O’Toole would not comment when asked if his research would lead to the cloning of snow. He did say, however that the RMBL needed storage containers, cisterns, troughs and a backhoe so as to continue to clone the wet gold.

“What good is anything without water,” O’Toole pontificated. “So what if we drill for a million barrels of oil? It can’t keep people from their thirst. What good is a pickup load of gold if the driver is parched? We envision two men. One has a bag of gold, the other a cup of water. When push comes to shove which one would best benefit from an even trade?”

O’Toole went on to assure supporters that his water was of the finest quality and tasted just like all the other water in the region.

“It’s fresh, clear and bountiful…and best when served cold,” he quipped. “The first thing on our extended agenda is to return the rivers of this country to their original state, then I myself plan to take a long, hot shower.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe