All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Life – What you need to know

by Pepper Salta

Many Suburbanites Plan to Live off the Land in Emergency

(Denver)  A disturbing number of suburbanites and to a lesser extent, a host of city dwellers, say they will simply live off the land if the excrement hits the air circulation device any time soon.

Almost fifty percent of Americans living in or near high population areas when polled, say they could rough it if need be while only twelve percent declared themselves ready and fit for an uncertain adventure. Of this control group more than half contend that there is really nothing to worry about. Twenty eight percent insist it is too late to be concerned while a paltry six percent say the government will save them in the event of mass chaos and its running mate, pandemonium.

Sadly none expressed concern that a large chunk of the population will also be seeking ways to survive a major disaster or that most of the farmland has been blacktopped, severely hampering efforts to grow food or raise domestic animals.

Sources in rural parts of the country, often alarmed by large crowds and mass migrations, would fare better due to proximity to food sources, water and primitive fuel.

“We could survive a siege for more than six months while our uninvited guests freeze their hungry asses,” said a former beautician from Silt.

“Living off the land sounds romantic to someone who watches television, washed his car and mows his lawn for excitement. These folks aren’t in touch with nature,” said Dr Simon Lackluster, a research fellow at Cal Polygamy, the sponsor of the survey. “What are they going to do? Pick berries? Dig for edible roots? Shoot a rabbit at the mall?”

Experts warn that a population used to nice houses, snap-finger convenience and instant access won’t last more than a few days off the land and out of their comfort zones, due to what could turn into an ugly arrangement.

“They are too far from the food sources,” continued the doctor. “Credit cards don’t usually work in cornfields.”

Although far from completed, an ongoing investigation hinges on probabilities related to the current state of the world.

“Chances for survival at a time of bedlam rely on the distinct knowledge of what was once necessary and what is still wild and a majority of us have lost connection there,” he cautioned.

– Earl “The Pearl” Macadoo

MARS MIGRATION SCUTTLED FOR NOW

(Mars) A growing movement calling for the displacement of political refugees and the great unwashed to the outer regions of the galaxy has been stopped in its tracks due to an overwhelming response here.

The simple enough rocket maneuver, projected to take only three years to complete, is now burdened by the number of applicants for a limited number of seats on the designated spacecraft.

“We are pretty tired of all the whining and the desperation,” said one former Farmland Security official, speaking with a degree of anonymity. “These hordes arrive in masse like a flock of shit birds in the Ceiba trees. They have no wings only a hand outstretched. I can speak for the entire agency when I say we will be happy to be rid of these needy and bothersome creatures.”

According to sketchy details, more than 7 million persons have completed lengthy dossiers and posted hefty non-returnable deposits just to get on the celestial dance card. Academics had expected no more than 500,000 potential exchange students at the commencement of the relocation syllabus.   

Meanwhile those who continue to embrace the mundane and glorify stupidity have banded together with the bored again to form a powerful lobby pushing for the colonization of Venus while she’s not looking. That planet, the femme fatale of the Milky Way, has filed an official protest with the Office of Astronomy Raw Materials Intergalactic and Space Exploration (OARWSE)

Efforts to secure pillows, sheets and blankets for the voyage have faltered, leaving assorted palms up and most bungling bureaucrats with their pants down.

– Attila Diggins

Inventor of Beanie Weenies squashed by cement truck

(Cimarron) The headline says it all and, although there were no eye-witnesses, conjecture has it that 98-year-old Abdule “Mickey” Silkworme should have been a little quicker on his feet. At least he should have had the where-with-all to outrun a slow-moving cement truck.

Just moments after the impact, Silkworme was scooped off Highway 50 and delivered to St. Roscoe’s Memorial Hospital at Montrose. The driver of the truck, suspected in connection with hit-and-run charges, since he was not anywhere to be found, was not identified.

Labor issues between weenies and baked beans have exploded of late over equal pay and a 35-hour work week. Dog-and-Bean attorneys for the popular food concerns say “corporate responsibility does not end with canning” and admitted that a exclusive diet of beanie weenies may lead to serious health issues down the road.

“How many concrete trucks could there have been in the vicinity at the time of the crash,” asked a local deputy. “We’ll find the person responsible and pull his plug.”

Silkworme is expected to survive (since nobody dies in Horseshoe news stories). Relatives expressed relief saying they had already pulled the tab on his tin coffin and were expecting a tidy inheritance by the weekend.”

– Sir Otis of Liver

Impending garbage strike a boon for black bear

(Manana) A threatened garbage strike, coupled with unseasonably warm weather, could cause black bears to get out of bed long before fully embracing hibernation cycle.

Workers who have yet to set a date for the work stoppage are striking for higher wages and benefits they say were promised two years ago. The move is aimed at large garbage collection companies with the mom and pop trash companies falling through the cracks.

“We expect to be busy and to acquire some new clients, especially when the garbage builds up and they are forced to drive to the dump,” said the owner of Dupree Debris Rubbish, which first started picking up their neighbors’ refuse back in 1980.

Town officials hope to settle the matter before further action takes place. The local populace is mixed on how to react and who is to blame for the potential interruption of this basic service.

“It’s a health issue we’re talking about here,” said one garbage executive from his office somewhere on the East Coast. “These unions will be the scourges of us all. It is clear that outside agitators are at work, probably liberals.”

Many bear have reportedly been stockpiling crude primitive burglary tools for an all out assault on what could be overflowing garbage receptacles, crippled by the shear magnitude of it all. Talents honed during the long months of “hibernation” could leave militias and law enforcement vulnerable in the face of hungry bear.

The animals are just looking for a snack before bed,” said one biologist. “Frankly they may be doing us a favor dining in this peculiar manner. What else are we going to do with all the accumulating trash?”

– Suzie Compost

Next: Bear-proof trash receptacles even you can open

TV Doctors Isolate Comparative Gene

(Hollywood) Television doctors here have successfully isolated what some are calling the Lowest Common Denominator Gene. The illusive unit of heredity has been linked to general comprehension sways and positive sense of place in a shifting landscape.

Persons engaged in chronic television rituals such as electronic marathons and the embrace of local news programs often populate the sterile hallways of the quantum test cases transferred from easy chair to viewer. This control group has been the subject of much discussion since the inception of the intrusive medium in the early 50s.

“We have found that people who have no access to television are smarter and more qualified to survive than those who ingest the pablum of the airwaves,” said a researcher. “In short, many groups seen as primitive engage in more valid pursuits than those who stare at and respond to insipid movements inside the idiot box.”

While many social scientists agree with this perception, at least in theory, some are hesitant to condemn the entire industry without further cross-examination.

They conclude that genes make up a distinct sequence of nucleotides forming part of a chromosome, the order of which determines the order of monomers in a polypeptide or nucleic acid molecule which a cell (or virus) may synthesize.

The TV doctor team that created the breakthrough

This represents significant shift from the days when a television was a substantial piece of furniture with a tiny black and white screen. In the age of flat screens and bad public schools a majority recommends no more than 23 hours of television per day (not counting bathroom breaks and quality time with pets).

In preternatural observation the habitual TV enthusiast cannot tell the difference between real physicians and actors playing them on the tube.

“They all have white coats, clean hands and that air about them that makes it all but impossible to differentiate,” said the researcher, clutching a handful of opiates. “Even though most of it is voodoo there are distinct patterns developing that threaten to destroy the trust most have in the medical profession”

What remains as the quintessential question: Does one want to live life or watch it float mindlessly by, bookended by bad writing and violence.

“What we accept on TV generally conflicts with the basic food, clothing and shelter syndrome that dictates fear levels and morality,” continued our source, “It’s just another eternal balancing act with no net.”

– Gabby Haze 

CONGRESS TO VOTE ON 25-HOUR DAY

(Washington) The U.S. House of Reprehensibles has scheduled a vote on whether to add an hour to each day of the week. Despite the obvious inconveniences, a majority of the legislators seem to think the bill will become law this week.

“If passed the new bill would be even sillier than Daylight Savings Time, clean shave campaigning and the electoral process all rolled into one,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). “If I didn’t hear the proposal with my own ears I’d have said it was a bad joke.”

Noise told The Horseshoe that increasing the hours in a day was nothing more than a smokescreen thrown up by members of Congress accused of ethics violations. He said it was an attempt to conceal questionable behavior by keeping the public off balance.

“If people don’t know what day it is they are less likely to notice our shenanigans,” he smiled.

Noise is currently under investigation on some 300 ethics charges which allegedly include the sale of weapons before breakfast, illegally dumping household trash in the Congressional dumpster and leaving the seat up in a unisex latrine at the White House. He is expected to plead no lo contesto sometime next week.

“If all the senators and representatives who are under the gun with regards to ethics violations vote for the 25-hour day you’d better buy a new calendar,” quipped Noise. “I myself prefer the hour glass which doesn’t require a battery or winding. All one has to do is turn the thing over and he automatically buys himself a little more time. That’s how government works.”

The Congress, only in session for about three months per year due to rampant absenteeism, trips to the bank and campaigning, The legislative body will also decide on other issues such as the validity of eclectric cars, a new logo for Supreme Court judge’s costumes, what to buy for Billy Joel’s new baby and whether the presence of women behind the wheel of a car in Saudi Arabia will drive up the price of crude oil.

 “Then we’ll have lunch,” snipped Noise.

– Kashmir Horseshoe