All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Drive-In Reunion Slated for September 30

(Montrose) An action-packed reunion for people who lost their virginity at Mable’s Drive-In Theater between the years 1966 to 1976 is scheduled for September 30. According to organizers, throngs of “alumni” are expected.

     “We had taken every precaution to protect the privacy and reputation of our past customers,” said Mabel Schwartz, who operated the theater single-handedly between bad marriages and a stint at Canon City, from 1966 through 1996.

     “There’s not a spot left on our lot,” she said. All the seats are reserved.”

     The site of the former drive-in theater, on South Townsend where the Super Wal-Mart now stands, is virtually unrecognizable. RVs will receive special consideration. No proof of sexual status will be necessary.

     “We don’t expect people anyone to misrepresent themselves here,” continued our source. “Why would they? We’re operating on the honor system.”

     Costumes are encouraged and an array of cheap alcohol will be available under the counter. The films on tap have yet to be announced in that nobody really cared or cares what they might be in keeping with tradition.

     “We’re expecting to see a lot of 50s and 60s Chevys and Fords and maybe a Dodge or two,” smiled Mabel, who hopes to clean up on hot dog  and popcorn sales during the melee that will certainly follow.

     Maps to Mabel’s are available at all your favorite chains and at the chamber of comments. Sorry but no senior discounttickets will be accepted during the event.

– Portofino O’Toole

Blue Mesa Vodka – Your Hedge Against Tariffs

(Gunnison) Fearing tariffs on imported alcohol, leaders here plan to drain Blue Mesa Reservoir and fill it with Polish, Finnish and Swedish vodkas.

Prioritizing natural wildlife and preserving the ecosystem the honeycombed transfers will begin on Tuesday with the exhausting chore completed before the 4th, according to a newly released and unprecedented agenda.

Diversions of late runoff and the dragging of the lake for harmful debris are likely to circumvent prior concerns. Then and only then will the lake be “restocked” with the imported booze. Traffic may be impacted on weekdays with a detour through Wyoming on the docket.

The reservoir, Colorado’s largest, would be pumped dry of water and replenished with rye grain or potato based inebriant for all to enjoy.

The current population of fish, including some of the largest Mackinaws on the planet and a thriving flathead catfish colony, will be relocated to a more serene habitat before the liquor is piped in.

“Add a few tones of olives, a few barrels of vermouth and we can then claim bragging rights as to the world’s largest vodka martini,” tethered Deep Eddie Taaka, who owns more than 200 miles of beachfront property in and around Blue Mesa.

The vodka levels are expected to reach capacity and remain at that proportion through the winter. Vodka does not freeze solid like water and can be easily monitored and examined for impurities from the air.

Already many local bars and restaurants have come on board featuring the local hooch and initiating bottling procedures that are in sync to begin in the spring.

Runoff, rain, snow melt and road dirt will be kept at bay by miles of tiny screens that buckle tightly to trees, rocks, beaches, abandoned craft or any other physical barriers deemed loyal to the development and protection of the flowing spirits.

Drinkers of imported vodka appear relieved today with the news that Gunnison and Montrose counties will employ tourist tax dollars to mold this innovative stretch into a solid reality.

Just months ago the very idea of filling a high-altitude lake with vodka seemed absurd but now, after blueprints, taste tests and triple distilling the concept has gained acceptance even from the most stubborn contingents.

In a related piece of news a move to rename Blue Mesa Reservoir Trump Loch Estuary by some local MAGA supporters was unanimously voted down in the Colorado House yesterday, effectively smothering the proposal before it reached the light of day.

For more on this turn to:

Gravity Levels Remain Dangerously Low Friday

Cardinals seek to eliminate Pontiff position

(Rome) Vatican power brokers are poised to phase out the longstanding Papal role next go-round. With a gradual elimination of the apostolic position already in motion, leading Cardinals described the move “a cost-cutting one and little more”.

     Progressives here meeting in front of Bernini Fountain indicated that they too would support a Popeless hierarchy if conservative gate keepers agree to share Vatican gold with millions of poor, desperate faithful in South and Central America.

     This latest fiscal reciprocity appears headed for a final vote after the white smoke clears. The initial proposal is expected to pass, despite stiff resistance from a cross-dressing contingent of Cardinals, many of whom secretly desire to be Pope one day.

     “We have talked the matter to death said one liberal cleric, “with gracefulness and tact considering the sensitive nature of these modifications.

     “Many in the College of Cardinals prefer to hold onto traditions dating back to Saint Peter,” he explained.

     “The climax of papal lineage, cost-cutting or otherwise must be accomplished without bloodshed and with the highest degree of respect for the multitudes who fill up the collection plate each Sunday.”

      Whether other layoffs are in the works is anyone’s guess since Cardinals do not possess the papal infallibility card on matters of faith and morality

     Attempts to streamline the salvation business have fallen flat since since the early days of Pope Linus and the Medici Popes selling indulgences (and maybe a few relics) in the 16th Century.

     Undocumented sources here agree that a  little wiggle room never hurt anyone. They contend that funds saved on Popemobile alone would go a long way towards feeding the poor.

     “The Papal gig has been around since year one. I don’t think the faithful will be pleased. They like the royal stuff and all,” said another bishop. “It helps them survive the pitfalls of real life.’

     “Attempts to appease and soothe will succeed in the end as will the access and expansion of sainthood and the dismantling of Purgatory planned for 2030.

     “At this juncture we have no plans to turn the Sistine Chapel into an Air B & B as was previously rumored.”

– Tommy Middlefinger

“Talking to you is like trying to get the government out of my jockey shorts with chopsticks.”

                              – traditional Chinese insult overheard at the Tariff Negotiations in Geneva. May 15, 2025.

Spring Cleanup Sacks Town

(Manana) The first ever spring cleanup in Manana has terminated the town. After three days of hauling garbage, old tires, discarded machine parts, plastic, broken furniture, abandoned trailers and other debris to the county dump there is nothing left of what was once a thriving little burg that once commanded a spectacular view along the Little Packer River.

     “Other towns seem to be able to handle a little sprucing up without changing road maps,” said mayor Muriel Armbruster who has taken up residence some six miles away at Colona. “We started with the highest intentions and the result is the disappearance of the entire town.”

     Monday morning all that was left of Manana were fragile skeletons of dilapidated downtown shops, the wobbly shell of the post office and a few mangy dogs looking disoriented and hungry.

     “I don’t know how long it will take us to return the town to its normal condition,” said Armbruster. “Right now there’s nothing here but a few spindly, framed remembrances. With the arrival of our traditional spring wind storms, those too will fade into architectural history.”

     As expected the town has applied for federal aid from FEMA.

     “These town cleanups are serious business,” added the former mayor. “I wonder if we could incorporate the landfill.”

TOLL BRIDGE OVER BERING STRAIT SCRAPPED

(Nome, AK) Plans to construct a massive suspension toll bridge across the Bering Strait have been cancelled according to American and Russian engineers on the scene. The structure, connecting the Chukchi Peninsula  to the Seward Peninsula about one hundred miles south of the Arctic Circle, would have cost an estimated 6.5 million dollars to complete. The idea was scuttled when it became apparent that projected traffic traveling between the two remote regions “could not even begin pay for the erection in two million years” according to one treasury official.

     “Nobody in either country has enough money to fill up their gas tank much less pay tolls on a bridge to nowhere,” he continued. “Maybe the concept would fly between Moscow and New York but even then its success has got to be questionable at best.”

     Continuing to stoke fears that the bridge would be an easy access for illegal refugees and drugs was voiced by several higher ups in the Trump Administration, who condemned the idea on various social media and fast food outlets this morning.

-Susie Compost

Bake sale to benefit Tsunami victims

(Norwood) A ten-family ethnic bake sale will be presented on Saturday, April 26 to benefit the survivors of a series of Tsunamis that have again hit Indonesia. Despite the fact that the inhabitants affected are of the Muslim persuasion we still feel they need clean water, food and warm clothes. Toward the end of the sale a contest to determine degrees of patriotism will be held – the winner determined by the number of American flags he/she can display on a Toyota pickup. Be sure not to miss it!