All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Cowboys Must Register Horses

(Montrose) Local cowpunchers in Region Zen have until October 31 to register their mounts or face stiff penalties. According to a recently adopted ordinance this effects all breeds including donkeys and mules but not burros or jack-asses.

At present sheep, goats, cows and poultry remain unaffected unless they 1.) are used for herd control 2.) engaged in racing 3.) riden to town on Saturday night 4.) exhibit behavior linked to hoof and mouth or mad cow disease. Local leaders say they need to get a handle on just how many horses live in the area while critics call the move “a slow side-saddle sister to the yet another unneccessary census.”

Either way, the law is the law and compliance is demanded or animals will be confiscated and sent to dude ranches or even glue factories in the Philippines. Horse owners can register at any county court house, local feed store or in the Wal-Mart parking lot. The procedure is much like registering a car. One simply stands in line, writes a check and goes home with a meaningless slip of paper. Fees (taxes) are determined, like vehicles, by the age of the horse.

A 20-year-old sway-back will cost far less than a two-year-old stallion or brood mare. Quarter horses (compacts) will run about 80% of the ownership fees for a hay-guzzling Thoroughbred or an Arabian. Appaloosas and Pintos will be charged on the basis of composition, weight and fuel capacity.

Persons wishing to employ the controversial gelding discount should mail in requests to Horse Flesh Tax, Dept. of Bits and Harnesses, 26 Hackamore Lane, Cimarron Beach, CO. Remember to include the code or we will throw your application in the trash.

“We realize that registering one’s horse seems cumbersome, like saddling a philly for some of the younger cow punchers,” said Muriel Maunge, of the newly created agency, “but it has become a necessary part of rural life. After all, how can we issue licenses if the horses are unregistered?”

Maunge, who has never been on a horse, preferring small dogs and tropical fish, says her department will not rest until every horse is registered.

“We make no exceptions,” she snapped. “Why if I had the chance I’d register Pegasus…or even Trigger himself.”

For a related piece dial up

“The Gelded Age – Humans Surrender the Precious Gift of Rational Thought.”

By G. Peter Gatsby, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.

O’Toole whacked upside the head by a “shooting star”

(Colona) It’s summer in the Rockies and anything can happen. Why just the other night our associate editor collided with what local astronomers say was a shooting star.

Actually the star collided with O’Toole sending him senselessly shooting through a drift of man-made snow, frightening a crew of mule deer, and leaving residents wondering what else is on the agenda.

“I was just out in the yard feeding my marmots when Wham! I was forty feet to the south. My knees and elbows took the worst of it and the sudden flash did nothing for my cell phone reception or my attitude.”

O’Toole is currently under observation at St Roscoe’s Drive-Through Clinic in Mañana. He is reportedly hoping he has enough miles, loyalty points, coupons, bingo credits or bonus stamp books to pay for the stay.

Legend has it that anyone hit by a falling star could expect great wealth and fame throughout his or her lifetime. Sadly, we could find no distinct reference to this legend much to the chagrin of the red-blooded target.

Although quite rare, accidents and confrontations involving heavenly bodies and people do happen. Experts tell us that meteors and rogue gravitational debris are more common dangers but that an occasional shooting star could be a threat to a continued lifespan.

“The incident in no way launches O’Toole into some elite group nor does it signify anything supernatural or mystical,” said a neighbor who reminded us that the scribe has survived shark attacks, high altitude lightning, several marriages and a run of bad chorizo since moving to Colona in 1912.

“He’ll be back puttering by the weekend,” said the neighbor. “There have been all kinds of things falling out of the sky around these parts since last winter. We figured it was the lack of moisture.”

– Gabby Haze   

FIRST FOURTH OF JULY BARBECUE A REAL BASH

by Ripple Van Winkle, whose ancestors never agreed to sign anything

“I may never attend another tea party as long as I live”

       – King George III of  England, in response to protests in Boston Harbor, 1773.

“Who brought the potato salad?”

– Josiah Bartlett, of New Hampshire, about an hour after the reading of the first draft of the Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776

The tradition of the Fourth of July barbecue has been with us for 250 years. Appropriately enough, the first one was celebrated while the ink was still wet on a noted document that declared the independence of the Thirteen American Colonies from Great Britain.*

Since the end of the French and Indian War tension between the British Crown and the Colonies had increased significantly. The conflict had left the  royal treasury depleted. The British were real estate poor and needed cash run the empire. The solution? Raise taxes in the Colonies and tighten customs controls. After all, in the eye of the Crown, the Americans had benefited most from the French defeat and somebody had to pay the caddie.

Many of the Colonists responded by harassing tax and custom officials and blood was shed. In Boston, in 1770 British redcoats opened up on protesters over on King Street, killing five. Spoiling for a fight, the Sons of Liberty jumped on the propaganda bandwagon, dubbing the bumbling incident a massacre, calling it The Shot Heard Round the World. Actually, according to ear-witnesses, the shot was heard only about as far as Concord but that little truth would not have allowed for the impact on potential supporters.

In 1773 angry Colonists hosted the Boston Tea Party and in the spring of 1775 at Lexington the fighting erupted between Yankee farmers and British regulars.

The next year, on July Fourth, with hostilities in full swing, all of the Colonies except New York voted in favor of the now completed Declaration of Independence. New York adopted it on July 11, one week after a barbecue thrown by the Continental Congress. Historians still cannot agree as to whether the New Yorkers brought the slaw or a three-bean salad but despite an afternoon of candid, often controversial exchanges the the Tory-infested colony joined the rebellion.

We eavesdrop on that fateful July 4, at about 2:30 in the afternoon: A group of revolutionaries including Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Samuel Chase, John Hancock, William Whipple and Francis Lightfoot Lee are standing around a large pit where turkeys, venison and sausage were being cooked. The accents range from Yankee twang to southern drawl.

Whipple: …I don’t know Tom, I’m all for this all men are created equal business but I’m afraid we could be in for one ass kickin.

Jefferson: You worry too much, Bill, the  British are far too busy with the French to pay us any mind. Besides, we’re half a world away.  After a few months King George’s redcoats will be in full flight, tails between their legs.

Adams: That may be wishful thinking, Tom. King George seems obsessed. He calls us a mob of insolent, petty lawyers. His doctors have even warned him about getting too excited about planning the war. I don’t expect him to back off. Our spies say he’s already hired regiments of Hessians to do his bidding.

Chase: Damn! Hessians would be nothing! Will those green horseflies give us no peace? I knew it was a mistake to rent this hall across from the livery stable!

Lee: Miserable creatures akin to British tax assessors.

Hancock: How are those ribs coming, Sam? All this prime scuttlebutt has made me quite hungry.

Chase: I’m just about to add the sauce, John. It was concocted by one of my slaves. The sausages are just about ready. Hand me the spatula and I’ll turn them again.

Franklin: Has anyone seen George Washington? He said he’d make the trip down from New York today.

Lee:  He’s probably still busy watching the British fleet come up the Hudson. Have we established an official position on his expense account yet? It’s nice that he’s agreed to run this whole shooting match without a salary but somebody had better keep an eye on his taste for the good life. His sherry bill alone could put us all in the poor house before we put a bonafide army in the field.

Whipple: Speaking of money, we really don’t have the authority to spend a penny nor to levy taxes to fight a war. We were lucky to raise money for this barbecue.

Franklin: All things in good time.  My dealings with the French have opened new doors. It is our sacred duty to continue the struggle against tyranny with empty pocketbooks if necessary. The will of a free people is powerful.

Hancock: Just who are we including on this holy roster, Doctor Franklin? What about the Indians? What about the slaves? I don’t see any women among our group of eager signers.

Lee: Now see here, John, up in Massachusetts, you’ve got a slew of hot headed ideas. You’ve also got a slew of indentured servants running around while, out of the other side of your mouth, you condemn slavery in the South. Slavery is just a matter of economics, boy. It’s nothing personal. Let’s kick the Brits out first, then we’ll deal with domestic matters.

Jefferson: It does sound a bit hypocritical now that you mention it, but the revolution will not survive without the support of the slave owners. Maybe we could change the wording in the first paragraph. How does some men are created equal grab you?

Whipple: It’s too late. Our declaration is already at the printers. Besides, most of the fringe element cannot read anyway.

Franklin: Either way I think we have defined a set of timeless democratic principles…

Adams: That’s nice, Doctor, but let’s get back to this “all men being created equal matter. Is that everybody or just white males who read and write and own land?

Franklin: It’s not just everyone who’s here now. It includes all the people who will come to these shores in the future.

Whipple: Immigrants? I never considered that a break with the Empire will open us up to hordes of the tired and poor. Do you want a bunch of ragamuffin foreigners roaming the streets of Philadelphia, Doctor Franklin?

Franklin: I don’t see that we have a choice. We have to include everyone.

Lee: Nonsense. We have to keep the lid on or we will become the minority in our own land.

Jefferson: It may appear to some that we have acted hastily and that reconciliation with the Crown is the logical outcome of our efforts…

Franklin: Reconciliation is no part of anyone’s plan. It’s submission or the sword. Our only alternative to independence is slavery.

Adams: Slavery for who?

Chase: Slavery for slaves, John. You Yankees just can’t seem to get a grip, can you.

Jefferson: Gentlemen, let’s not argue over issues yet to be addressed. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Adams: And then what happens when we want to get to the other side?

Lee: Gentlemen, please, let’s not let politics get in the way of our stomachs. Looks like the table is prepared. Let’s eat.

Hancock: Not so fast, Francis. I think my esteemed colleague from Massachusetts is on to something. Surely the French will be laughing up their silk sleeves at our brashness. I think we had better decide the slavery issue now.

Chase: Your food’s getting cold, John. First we have to send King George packing, then we can talk this over. I’m sure we’ll come to the right conclusions. After all, we are honorable men. Try some of these ribs. They’re delicious, and the eagle’s not half bad either.

*The actual signing of the declaration didn’t take place until August 2  but here, for the convenience of all, the author ascends to the divine right of historical embellishment . In addition, it is virtually impossible to determine if everyone holds a barbecue on that date.

    

KARMA MAN IN TOWN AGAIN

(Crested Butte) The much maligned Karma Man will once again be coming around the mountains for the summer. Despite attempts by some residents to convince him to circulate a wider radius, he will be in local faces through September. Civic and religious leaders have struggled to determine the source of his incredible powers but have failed, leading the scientific community to project that his activities are in sync with the cosmic flow.

“He was here last summer and people immediately started reaping what they had sowed,” said one local sage. “It’s a really beautiful sight to behold unless of course you are one of the people who have been taking extended draws against the bank of morality.

“This Karma Man character doesn’t have to do much,” he continued. “We do it all to ourselves. He is just the avenue of delivery, the medium of exchange on the stock market of destiny.”

Although nothing is etched in stone, the Karma guy’s tentative schedule is as follows:

Crested Butte: July 10 -20; Gunnison: July 21 -Aug 9; Montrose: Aug 10 – 22 Ridgway: Aug 23 – Aug 30) Ouray: August 23-August 30; Norwood: September 1-6; Telluride: September 7-21.

Any delusional or disallusioned inmates of the smaller towns in the region should report to the closest burg as defined above.

Please note: The signs says: We cannot make an appointment unless you have an appointment. Disruptive patients and their families will be treated accordingly.

HOW DID WE DO?
Please take this short quiz and share your feedback on karma-cleaning services rendered by Karma Man. If Karma Man owes you money he will get it to you. Your invoice is right by the phone. If you owe Karma Man money please send to Department of Insurgencies, Widows and Oreads Clinic,  33 Owen Meany Avenue, Circumference-on-Louvre, Paris.

-Mario Schwerveau

“Kiss my aura, Dora.”  – Frank Zappa (1940 – 1993)

Drive-In Reunion Slated for September 30

(Montrose) An action-packed reunion for people who lost their virginity at Mable’s Drive-In Theater between the years 1966 to 1976 is scheduled for September 30. According to organizers, throngs of “alumni” are expected.

     “We had taken every precaution to protect the privacy and reputation of our past customers,” said Mabel Schwartz, who operated the theater single-handedly between bad marriages and a stint at Canon City, from 1966 through 1996.

     “There’s not a spot left on our lot,” she said. All the seats are reserved.”

     The site of the former drive-in theater, on South Townsend where the Super Wal-Mart now stands, is virtually unrecognizable. RVs will receive special consideration. No proof of sexual status will be necessary.

     “We don’t expect people anyone to misrepresent themselves here,” continued our source. “Why would they? We’re operating on the honor system.”

     Costumes are encouraged and an array of cheap alcohol will be available under the counter. The films on tap have yet to be announced in that nobody really cared or cares what they might be in keeping with tradition.

     “We’re expecting to see a lot of 50s and 60s Chevys and Fords and maybe a Dodge or two,” smiled Mabel, who hopes to clean up on hot dog  and popcorn sales during the melee that will certainly follow.

     Maps to Mabel’s are available at all your favorite chains and at the chamber of comments. Sorry but no senior discounttickets will be accepted during the event.

– Portofino O’Toole

Blue Mesa Vodka – Your Hedge Against Tariffs

(Gunnison) Fearing tariffs on imported alcohol, leaders here plan to drain Blue Mesa Reservoir and fill it with Polish, Finnish and Swedish vodkas.

Prioritizing natural wildlife and preserving the ecosystem the honeycombed transfers will begin on Tuesday with the exhausting chore completed before the 4th, according to a newly released and unprecedented agenda.

Diversions of late runoff and the dragging of the lake for harmful debris are likely to circumvent prior concerns. Then and only then will the lake be “restocked” with the imported booze. Traffic may be impacted on weekdays with a detour through Wyoming on the docket.

The reservoir, Colorado’s largest, would be pumped dry of water and replenished with rye grain or potato based inebriant for all to enjoy.

The current population of fish, including some of the largest Mackinaws on the planet and a thriving flathead catfish colony, will be relocated to a more serene habitat before the liquor is piped in.

“Add a few tones of olives, a few barrels of vermouth and we can then claim bragging rights as to the world’s largest vodka martini,” tethered Deep Eddie Taaka, who owns more than 200 miles of beachfront property in and around Blue Mesa.

The vodka levels are expected to reach capacity and remain at that proportion through the winter. Vodka does not freeze solid like water and can be easily monitored and examined for impurities from the air.

Already many local bars and restaurants have come on board featuring the local hooch and initiating bottling procedures that are in sync to begin in the spring.

Runoff, rain, snow melt and road dirt will be kept at bay by miles of tiny screens that buckle tightly to trees, rocks, beaches, abandoned craft or any other physical barriers deemed loyal to the development and protection of the flowing spirits.

Drinkers of imported vodka appear relieved today with the news that Gunnison and Montrose counties will employ tourist tax dollars to mold this innovative stretch into a solid reality.

Just months ago the very idea of filling a high-altitude lake with vodka seemed absurd but now, after blueprints, taste tests and triple distilling the concept has gained acceptance even from the most stubborn contingents.

In a related piece of news a move to rename Blue Mesa Reservoir Trump Loch Estuary by some local MAGA supporters was unanimously voted down in the Colorado House yesterday, effectively smothering the proposal before it reached the light of day.

For more on this turn to:

Gravity Levels Remain Dangerously Low Friday