All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Lake City Rumor Mill Shut Down
(Capitol City) One of the last vestiges of the San Juan mining era was closed today, dislodging a chunk of the population and leaving others shocked but still quite clueless.
The termination of activities at the mill, located up Henson Creek adjacent to the Yellow Snow Mine is clearly due to erratic production, general neglect and ground pollution. According to people in ties, clipboards and white shirts from the Euphemistic Pro-Con Agency the mill presented a danger to the health and harmony of the town.
“The Environmental Protection Agency has confirmed the forced closure of the celebrated Lake City Rumor Mill,” said a source within the agency. “Tomorrow we bring in the bulldozers and dynamite. There will be hundreds, maybe thousands of us on site. Soon all traces of that pimple on the landscape will be gone.”
The former rumor mill, thought to be haunted, will become a destination spot for daredevil extreme RVers, due to landslide potential and shear cliffs on the sunny side of the mountain.
For decades the rumor mill churned out juicy stories involving everyone from the mayor to the town drunk. Attempts to pump life into the facility have been futile due to its remote status and distance from civilization. National historic distinction has done little to generate operating funds and potential wilderness status which could encourage outside funding, is still up in the air.
“I remember kissing Margaret Hatchmorrison in front of the mill in my ’54 Chevy back in 1953,” said Old Man Pritchard of the Hinsdale Pritchards. “When her daddy got wind of my intentions he chased me all the way to Spar City with a chainsaw. What time those were — Everybody in town knew the details thanks to the rumor mill which was running overtime.”
The rumor mill’s popularity as a make-out spot soon came to the attention of local law enforcement agencies who carried out countless SWAT team excursions into the area in the Sixties and Seventies.
“We were convinced there were guerrillas hiding in the tunnels out there,” said one deputy, “but all we found were a bunch of hippies and their goats.”
Despite a sadness lingering over the town most people have accepted the closure and have gotten back to the business of talking about each other without the convenience of a local mill. Malcontents have threatened to build a “secondary gossip facility aimed at preserving chit-chat and tittle tattle.”
“Plowing over a few acres of rock will never stop the rumors from flowing,” said one resident credited with starting tattle on such hot topics as geological lake polygamy to UFO landings on the Cannibal Plateau. “After one particularly creative session we had hundreds of tourists out looking for Slumgullion’s Treasure as far south as the Weminuche when everyone here knows that the peg-legged, murdering, alpine pirate’s stash was deposited in a local snowbank back in 1979.”
According to gov’ment agencies jockeying for fetal position above town, mounds of tailings, the residue of the mill, will be hauled to the Ronald Reagan Re-Education Camp at Powderhorn. Rumor has it that it will then be spun into gold by political prisoners currently incarcerated there. But that is only a rumor at this time.
– Fred Zeppelin
Morality Dips with Summer Visitors
(Montrose) The Department of Ethics and Dogma has extended a rigid and didactic storm warning for the entire Western Slope from now until September 15. The seasonal caution comes simultaneously with the arrival of the first summer tourists to the region.
According to the warning, many of the visitors do not operate within the same moral guidelines that residents live by and therefore create problems relating to virtue and conscience.
The many diversions of the 21st Century have distorted the thinking and dictated the questionable actions of many party animals and ravers that come here looking for a good time. Those awaiting major events like floods, fires and the Second Coming have been urged to take precautions and decide where to locate during epic developments.
The official alert did not undress rumors that a former mayor, and father of 16, had run off with a circus performer and that elements in the city council had slept with Michael Jackson.
Uruguay routes Russia 3-0 to Advance in World Cup play
Celebration after striker Edison Cavani knocked in the third and final goal against Russia giving Uruguay a 3-0 victory. The South American team did not give up a goal in the first three games of competition. Uruguay will play Portugal Saturday.
Everything “Hunky Dory”
LOOKING BACK TO PRE-TRUMP AMERICA
(Capital Hill Express — Warshington DC – September 25, 2015)
The state of the country is on the upswing if you listen to a recent White House appraisal. In a speech before the Unwed Mothers of the American Revolution President Barack Obama stressed that there is no need for worry and that the nation will claim its own at the end of the world.
“It’s kind of like mixing Judgment Day and Election Day,” said Obama. “Even though the majority of people prepare for the events in a similar fashion the end results are still a bit murky.”
Most Americans have no clue either in the voting booth or with regards to the hereafter. Most have no positive relationship with death, substituting the death industry chants for an embrace of the soul at the time of departure from this place. Most think the elections are valid.
Despite its serious dysfunction, our leaders have lauded the democratic process since 1789. Common philosophies that might lubricate our mystical hopes and desires are no further along than in the days when we chased the herds.
Detractors call these intrinsic practices “tragic charades” since they only scratch the surface as to politics and metaphysics, expending valuable energy in what may well be a spurious arena.
Concentrating on domestic issues, Obama promised that the quality of education would improve by next week. He offered no further details. His plan to offer free community college classes has come under severe criticism by those who are insisting he address the sad state of affairs at the high school level first.
In continuum, the President heaped praise on policies aimed at controlling illegal Irish and Israel immigrants. This one brought down the house. After the applause, Obama did not elaborate. He concluded this segment pointing to the economy and low unemployment figures. Again the audience went wild as a band, hired by surviving remnants of Chicago’s Daley Regime, played “That Old Gang of Mine”.
Turning to the international theater, the President said relations with other potential super powers were better than ever.
“The Russians are at it again in Ukraine while the Chinese are busy building artificial islands in the South China Sea,” he chipped. “We are right on that one ignoring negative behavior all the way. “The people who hated us in the fifties and sixties are our buddies now and the people that liked us hate us.”
Obama did not tread into dangerous waters here exposing reasons why these groups might feel such anger.
The President then went on to vehemently warn Maoists, militants, drug lords, Wall Street, corporate polluters and Cubs fans that frivolous/violent actions would not be tolerated. Then came the release of an estimated 15 tons of confetti and helium balloons blown up by the Clintons over the weekend. As projected, the place went nuts!
The speech finished with a plea from the President to email him soon.
Rumors as to an immanent crash of all propped up methods and paltry social systems were brushed under the podium rug with the news that one of the White House dogs was pregnant and would be having puppies in time for Christmas. – Neville Hoser
“We were all having fun singing Prussian marching songs and you had to come along and lip synch the “International” – Estelle Marmotbreath, surveying the damage to three walkway birdbaths following the 45th Antioquia Rumba Brunch May 1, 2018.
Patchouli oil spill devastates hippie stronghold
Hundreds of field hippies were uprooted when a flash flood of Southeast Asian medicinal oil destroyed far out bunkers and adjacent hemp gardens. Although the citadel was a complete loss the garrison miraculously survived the onslaught.
KNOT HOLE NEWS
PHOTOS BANNED IN WILDERNESS AREAS
(Rico) The use of cameras or other mechanical machinery aimed at recording images will no longer be permitted in Wilderness Areas as of January according to a press release from the feds.
Persons engaging in this illegal activity after the said date will be fined and prohibited from visiting the regions in the future.
“In regions where other machines are banned we have now caught up to ourselves,” said Melvin Toole, architect of the plan. “Soon blenders, chain saws and generators will be taboo as well. Our goal is to rid the forests of people by next summer and cut down the trees. Then we’ll be done with all this controversy once and for all.”
Shutterbugs from all across the West plan to block entrances to Wilderness regions in an attempt to generate support for their hobby.
“Taking a picture is not harmful in any way to the forests and/or their inhabitants,” said Nellie Nikon, of Malfunction. “There’s no pollution, little noise and no impact on the earth. We just like to take pictures of birds and trees and flowers. We’re not bad people!”
The feral gov,ment, all wrapped up in weapons production has not had time to review the restrictive agenda. Multiple use advocates have already threatened a filibuster. Persons wishing to attend should simply follow the brown forest service signs found all over the woods.
Department of Interior to start big fires
(Ouray) In a turnabout from an original plan to mechanically thin and burn about 10,000 acres near here, the USFS has decided simply to burn down 100% of the forests.
Operation No Trees-No Fires is already in place and a series of uncontrolled burns will start in mid-October.
Saying that the agency has finally found a way to silence all of the critics of our forest fire policies, a spokesman for the wardens of the woods called the plan fool-proof.
“We’re killing pine beetles and waiting until the fall colors have passed so leave us alone,” said Monne Santos, a former lobbyist who changes colors with the season and damn sure should know what he’s talking about..
Originally the USFS had charted specific problem areas for destruction with prime harvests going to lumber companies for a nominal fee. Then, after reconsidering the complaints of many citizens the agency decided to be done with annoyances once and for all.
“We expect the blaze to last 40 days and 40 nights leaving a heap of ashes that should mix well with the rocky soil,” said the source. “Then, after about five years we can begin growing cash crops like hemp where trees once stood.”
Radicals within the ranks say the initial plan called for the fires to be set during hunting season but cooler heads prevailed.
Biosphere III Filling Up
(Crested Butte) The massive glass dome built last month to house herd refugees is filling up fast with an abundance of applicants showing up in person, their meager belongings strapped to their backs. Deer and elk, even bear and lion, are all willing to live peacefully together at least until the end of hunting season.
According to the ground rules endangered species have first crack at the digs followed by political refugees from the Rocky Mountains. Later, if room permits people will be included on the roster.
“It’s a sort of Noah and the Ark deal here,” said Estelle Marmotbreath, the architect behind the scenes. “We probably need two of everything just in case the world ends over the next couple of months.”
This biosphere is the third of its kind. The first two were employed as test cases involving an incredible assortment of living items from centipedes to barrel cactus. The shells were then donated to the modular housing industry.
Plants and mammals wishing to hide out here should call their elected officials or the President at home.
– Tommy Middlefinger
