All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Patchouli oil spill devastates hippie stronghold

Hundreds of field hippies were uprooted when a flash flood of Southeast Asian medicinal oil destroyed far out bunkers and adjacent hemp gardens. Although the citadel was a complete loss the garrison miraculously survived the onslaught.

KNOT HOLE NEWS

PHOTOS BANNED IN WILDERNESS AREAS

(Rico) The use of cameras or other mechanical machinery aimed at recording images will no longer be permitted in Wilderness Areas as of January according to a press release from the feds.

Persons engaging in this illegal activity after the said date will be fined and prohibited from visiting the regions in the future.

“In regions where other machines are banned we have now caught up to ourselves,” said Melvin Toole, architect of the plan. “Soon blenders, chain saws and generators will be taboo as well. Our goal is to rid the forests of people by next summer and cut down the trees. Then we’ll be done with all this controversy once and for all.”

Shutterbugs from all across the West plan to block entrances to Wilderness regions in an attempt to generate support for their hobby.

“Taking a picture is not harmful in any way to the forests and/or their inhabitants,” said Nellie Nikon, of Malfunction. “There’s no pollution, little noise and no impact on the earth. We just like to take pictures of birds and trees and flowers. We’re not bad people!”

The feral  gov,ment, all wrapped up in weapons production has not had time to review the restrictive agenda. Multiple use advocates have already threatened a filibuster. Persons wishing to attend should simply follow the brown forest service signs found all over the woods.

Department of Interior to start big fires

(Ouray) In a turnabout from an original plan to mechanically thin and burn about 10,000 acres near here, the USFS has decided simply to burn down 100% of the forests.

Operation No Trees-No Fires is already in place and a series of uncontrolled burns will start in mid-October.

Saying that the agency has finally found a way to silence all of the critics of our forest fire policies, a spokesman for the wardens of the woods called the plan fool-proof.

“We’re killing pine beetles and waiting until the fall colors have passed so leave us alone,” said Monne Santos, a former lobbyist who changes colors with the season and damn sure should know what he’s talking about..

Originally the USFS had charted specific problem areas for destruction with prime harvests going to lumber companies for a nominal fee. Then, after reconsidering the complaints of many citizens the agency decided to be done with annoyances once and for all.

“We expect the blaze to last 40 days and 40 nights leaving a heap of ashes that should mix well with the rocky soil,” said the source. “Then, after about five years we can begin growing cash crops like hemp where trees once stood.”

Radicals within the ranks say the initial plan called for the fires to be set during hunting season but cooler heads prevailed.

     Biosphere III Filling Up

(Crested Butte) The massive glass dome built last month to house herd refugees is filling up fast with an abundance of applicants showing up in person, their meager belongings strapped to their backs. Deer and elk, even bear and lion, are all willing to live peacefully together at least until the end of hunting season.

     According to the ground rules endangered species have first crack at the digs followed by political refugees from the Rocky Mountains. Later, if room permits people will be included on the roster.

     “It’s a sort of Noah and the Ark deal here,” said Estelle Marmotbreath, the architect behind the scenes. “We probably need two of everything just in case the world ends over the next couple of months.”

     This biosphere is the third of its kind. The first two were employed as test cases involving an incredible assortment of living items from centipedes to barrel cactus. The shells were then donated to the modular housing industry.

     Plants and mammals wishing to hide out here should call their elected officials or the President at home.

– Tommy Middlefinger

— PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT # 611 —

IT’S HIGH TIME TO PUSH RESET BUTTONS OUT THERE

It’s spring around these rocks and many of you out there are no better for the wear and tear of the season. However, as always, nature takes care of her own, providing relief on demand. We are referring to the little red reset button that, along with your umbilical cord, your good looks and your innate power of reason arrived with the package that is you.

Surprisingly enough most folks are not aware of this ambiguous presence…but’s it’s there all right. It’s just a matter of a little exploration and education. For instance: Most people will find their tiny reset button just north of their naval. If you happen to be left-handed your red button is probably located behind your right ear. It’s the left brain-right brain thing again. If you were born in 1919, 1926, 1931, 1949,1955, 1967, 1980, 1982 or 1990 you will most likely discover your reset switch behind the left knee.

Physicians and psychologists agree that people who make use of available release mechanisms lead happier, healthier lives. So, when you go home tonight why not jump into a nice hot bath and push your button. Better yet, leave the chore to someone you love. – Editor

“Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.”

– Mark Twain

Psyched Out

with Doctor Edwin Whom, Phd.

Regional Hatred Healthy

Although it gets a lot of bad press regional hostility can be quite productive. For one thing it clearly defines a common enemy and allows for families and villages to pull together without a lot of petty bickering among the leaders, anxiety about pecking order and passive aggressive distrust of neighbors. A tranquil village is a happy village and all without therapeutic drugs.

Regional hatred also promotes the creation of many high-performance cells of ex-patriots and gifted assassins in places like Paris and New York. Without bigotry and anger many of these people might be stuck in their crummy villages without the slightest chance to see the world. It is in this way that antagonistic cultures can export thoughts and philosophies while not showing poker hands back home.

Perhaps the most important advantage to be gained from the ethnic and racial hatred is in the field of culinary art. Clannish and ethnic elitism is partly responsible for most of the regional cuisines in a place like China, for instance. How do you think the distinction between Hunan and Szechwan came about? What about Italian food or Soul Food? Why is Cajun food so expensive?

This is not to imply that ethnic hostilities always result in better groceries. Despite all the problems they have created over the years the British, somehow, were not blessed with a cuisines of their own, so they stole one from the Irish.

Another benefit of regional hatred comes in the from of a boon to the flag business. The more different warring factions in the field the more flags are sold. In 2017 alone some 137,000 flags were manufactured

Continued on Page 558

DIVINE POWER RANKINGS

Week 86 (Perceived Armageddon)

1. Jesus Christ. Missionary network keeps the offense competitive. Home field advantage may curtail problems with simple playbook taken to extremes by fans. Righteous in the Red Zone will make the difference when push comes to shove.

2. Mohammed. Fan base, although greatest on planet, may not be enough in the Fourth Quarter. This franchise is hot and getting hotter despite radical element that favors the blitz and the long pass down field. Only current setbacks center around failure to control the line of scrimmage.

3. Buddha. Many veterans returning after previous lives. Despite trouble with Hindu running backs, the defensive line continues to please season ticket holders (ancestors). Good karma in defensive backfield may lead to a host of turnovers.

4. Moses. Back to back losses to the Egyptians and the Philistines should set the stage for a final showdown in the playoffs. Chosen people at tight end and special teams may have parted the Red Sea but can they contain a kosher running game? Sore arms and legs (from building pyramids in Egypt) may shorten career.

5. Gandhi. Hindu passing game coming on at the end. Will Gandhi be able to unite the elements and address the problems of the untouchables on the sideline? Too many minor deities in the huddle. Jain special teams unconvincing at season’s end.

8. Martin Luther. (Too borrow from a bad joke) If he can found Protestantism, why can’t he find an open receiver down field? Nailing play lists on the locker room door may not be enough to motivate in the last days of feudalism. Addition of John Calvin, George Fox, John Wesley and Mary Baker Eddy may muddy the solution to turnovers and mental lapses on special teams.

9. Abraham. Although first drafted by the Jews, the Muslims and Christians sought his services as line coach. Probably the best player ever to come out of Ur. Stone tablets a little too cumbersome for effective booth consultation. Beard may get in the way of Xs and Os.

10. Brigham Young. Just when things look the darkest a new quarterback emerges from the flock. Tough on home turf but does not play well to more sophisticated defenses. Settling for a field goal won’t win many matches.

11. St Paul. The other teams have figured out the flea flicker, the end around and the play action pass. Home sermons focused on Jesus and Martin Luther should determine who gains a bye and who hits the road. No beer in the fourth quarter originated here.

12. The Popes. Despite all the money, established rituals, extravagant uniforms and promises of the Promised Land it has grown increasingly difficult to field a team. Vatican squad losing fan base. Hail Mary not enough these days. Need a miracle to get back on track. – Dolly Lamar

“The clearest way to the Universe is through a forest wilderness.” – John Muir

Return Foul Balls or Beer Prices Go Up at Coors

(Denver) The Colorado Rockies announced today that unless fans begin returning home run and foul balls from the bleachers, beer prices would increase at Coors Field. Traditionally balls that land in the stands have been kept as souvenirs.

The move was not received well by many fans who see the change as restrictive and contrary to baseball tradition.

“This amounts to nothing short of an ultimatum,” said one season ticket holder. “The idea of returning a ball hit out of play in un-American, like forgetting the words to Take me Out To The Ballgame. “We will not be denied our day in the sun,” he said from a shady seat along the third base line.

Already a beer boycott is in the wings which threatens the fiscal health of the sports franchise.

“With high salaries and operating expenses we can no longer let fans walk away with baseballs,” said a spokesman for the club. “Between beers sold during the game and recycled balls we can pay for two utility outfielders and half a backup catcher. We’re just trying to balance the books. It’s nothing personal.”

In short,” said a source in the accounting department, “Rockies’ fans will have to return the balls or pay more for beer.”

The source would not elaborate as to the likelihood that mindless sideshows and promotions will be affected by the announcement.

“The Rockies could cut to the chase and terminate all the non-baseball events going on in the stadium between innings” said the fan from above. “We just want to hold onto our keystone culture in a world that increasingly sees these customs as irrelevant. Baseball defines us. It’s as American as catching a foul ball or sipping a cold beer on a hot afternoon and we haven’t even touched on peanuts and hot dogs.”

-Rica “Suga” Beets