All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Cannabis Grove to Vote on Softball Team Name, Logo
Changing its street name from Mañana to Yesterday isn’t the only thing that’s kept this elderly colony viral and vital. Later this week the award winning coed softball team will be faced with a nail-biting election that would determine a new team name and logo. It’s a big deal since the retirement village has fielded powerful league-leading teams since the inception of competitive athletics in the 70s.
Since January the retirees have discovered an assortment of odd names for minor league baseball teams across the country.
“The classic marijuana leaf logo and the name “Potheads was already taken by the Hallucination Farms in Loveland while another favorite Sativa Sluggers is the name of the squad fielded by the Twin Cities of Nucla and Naturita in Western Montrose County. Mushroom Mollies was deemed too political and evokes visions of disorder from field assignments, base stealing to bathroom breaks.
Cannabis Grove Retirement Village needed more than just a name and trademark. It needed something that said heart and soul.
“That’s what the team means to these folks,” said Earl MacAdoo, the longtime coach here at The Grove. Most still wear spikes to breakfast and sleep with their baseball gloves and caps. These are not sunny day patriots!”
MacAdoo told players that they had about a week to decide on uniforms too since the El Paso Chichuhuas have threatened legal action over copyright infringements with the current uniform.
“The same thing has happened every time we agree on what is the appropriate message the team will project on the field,” continued MacAdoo. “That means colors, uniform design, trademarks, logos and name all wound up together, ready to take ether field. We have received threatening letters from The Wichita Wingnuts, the Akron Rubber Ducks, and The Hartford Yard Goats this week alone. One particularly angry note came from my old infield mate, ball and chainer Kid Gravy of the Montgomery Biscuits who challenged Grove fund raisers, domestic staff and our head social worker to a dual over the alleged infringement.
The Traverse City Beach Bums, the Topeka Train Robbers, the Albuquerque Isotopes and the Toledo Mud Hens said they don’t care about color conflicts and disjointed information associated with recreational franchises and hot dog sales.
“Why would we care what a bunch of old hicks in Colorado are doing?” scoffed a joint letter from an inter-league source.
MacAdoo’s jugular response was swift and cutting.
“We don’t give a tinker’s damn about trademark violations and copyrights anymore. What are they going to do? Put us in jail? We’re already in jail most of the day and night here at Cannabis Grove. Sticks and stones may break turbines but names can never hurt us,” he lashed out defiantly.
Anyone wishing to take the leap into this think tank is welcome to present names and attaches. The winner could win two seats for an Amarillo Sod Poodles game in August.
– Rocky Flats, Sports Editor
Somewhere Over the Back Fence
Ground Still Wet, Moist Says Extension Service
(Pitkin) Most public ground above 12,500 feet is still wet according to Gunnison County Extension Services. Hikers, campers and especially picnic enthusiasts should be aware of these conditions and act appropriately, planning ahead and informing friends and authorities of their whereabouts.
Campers are reminded to bring tents and sleeping materials as well as basic equipment to ward off possible discomfort. The harsh reality is, according to this press release that the present conditions could last through the weekend.
Pretty wet, often moist ground is common throughout the summer or at least until the natural draining of the Stream of Consciousness occurs in late August.
The application of simple tarps, employing folding chairs and/or using picnic tables when possible should help alleviate any potential stress. Outdoor enthusiasts are also warned to hang food up in trees, conserve ice and not to shoot rodents or carve their names on trees.
DOW TO POST NEW SIGNS
(Crested Butte) The Colorado Division of Wildlife will begin posting signs in and around the known habitats of trout and kokanee warning the fish of likely drought conditions. The brown and white USFS-looking signs will be hammered into the still-wet ground in the Elks, West Elks and in other strategic environs this summer.
Local environmentalists, who say the cautions will do no good since the fish can’t read, have threatened to filet a class action suit on the part of the fish if “the condescending and inappropriate program isn’t terminated before spawning season”.
“If one of them fish gets the message he’ll tell all the others,” said Orwell Freemango, DOW biologist and former gang member turned new age greenie and sworn naturalist.
“Progressive elements within this otherwise honkey organization think our slimy little friends should be told the truth about drought. They have grown tired of the lies. They don’t even get kickbacks from the Snatch and Release Programs anymore. If their swimmin’ holes are in danger of drying up they should be the first to know. We owe them that in spite of the fact that there is no effective response to this threat. The signs may be only symbols but they are symbols of our resolve,” stressed Freemango.
Blow to head propelled Toole
(Lake City) Recently retired scribe, Melvin Toole, credits his swift rise to fame in the news world to a blow on the head received in a bar here many years ago.
“I remember sitting there at the Log Cabin when a bar stool was hurled through the air in the direction of the men’s room. It was aimed at a man who ducked right there in front of me,” Toole explained. “Well, I was engaged in conversation and did not see the flying chair and the seat portion struck me flat-smack dead in the forehead.”
The stool knocked the hapless Toole to the floor and when he woke up some three hours later at Gunnison Hospital he began spouting headlines, captions, obituaries, press releases, news briefs, eyewitness accounts and full-length feature pieces.
“He wouldn’t shut up, but the copy was crisp, the style was original and he was first to file it!” said one of the nurses on duty that day. “But we just thought he was another reporter and we damn sure didn’t trust him.”
It would be only a month before Toole won the Werlitzer for his composition “How To Get Rid of Pack Rats”. Later that same year he was chosen to play right field for his college bowling team.
“Success measures success,” said the elderly journalist who lives on tamales, corn whiskey, and an occasional twist of Maalox. “Once it catches up to you it won’t let go.”
When asked which was his favorite award he said, “Oh I don’t know…maybe the Honorary Wichita Falls Cheerleading Squad Slumber Party Plaque…or my blue ribbon for passing audio-detectible wind at Thunder Mountain Speedway.
Readers wishing to converse with this living legend can find him at the Pea Green Rhubarb Festival where he fills in as Archie-The Human Punching Bag on Tuesdays.
“It’s a dollar a punch and a grand time for everyone especially the kiddies!” he laughed.
For a related story turn to Many al Qaeda cell phones inside U.S. on Page 40
COLORADO MAY RAISE LEGAL DRINKING AGE TO 55
(Denver) “Sorry but you don’t look a day over 50. I’ll have to see some ID.” Silly as it may seem that could be familiar chant if HB 4559-K passes next week, heralding in a new relationship between Puritanism and alcohol consumption for most Coloradans. The bill, called extreme by detractors, requires that a person be at least 55 years of age to buy beer, wine or spirits.
Sponsors of the bill, including firebrand Rep. Oral Noise says the concept is solid and will benefit everyone by introducing the concept of maturity to the drinking table.
“Everyone agrees that alcohol creates the breakdown social order when abused,” explained Noise, who reportedly consumed up to three quarts of flavored vodka per day for 40 years before getting on the temperance wagon in March of this year. “And who among us does not have sinful tendencies when moderation is questioned. This bill defines the legal side of the question. Let the sociologists fight for the thirsty masses.”
When asked about the failures inherent to Prohibition and the War on Drugs Noise told a semi-coherent audience here that these were good programs that were subverted by immoral values and weakness.
“I don’t care about the scientific statistics. All I know is that if booze was harder to buy there would be fewer people imbibing,” he offered. “Here on Colorado they all have mounds of cannabis and lord knows, bags of magic mushrooms. Why, pray tell, do they need fire water with which to wash it down? On my hope of heaven, I had to act and I am proud of my efforts,” he trembled.
Alluding to the continued presence of drunks on the highways Noise blamed the crude availability of alcohol that works like a woodworm on the brain. By the time people reach 55 they are either too tired or disinterested to create problems for others by their drinking.
Noise says 55 is appropriate since it matches what was once the national speed limit and is easy to remember. In addition he says 55 is a rounded number that can be quickly identified by even that quasi-interested, somewhat doltish liquor clerk.
“We have yet to see conclusive numbers indicating the arrests by the police on our highways has improved the situation,” continued Noise, now accompanied by a full orchestra pumping out a 1930’s German ditty. “If they were successful in the attempts to keep drinks off the road they would have installed billboards all over hell praising themselves for serving and protecting.”
The liquor industry has poured millions into a campaign to defeat the bill saying that its passage would only succeed in creating a population of criminals and that it would destroy the livelihood of millions worldwide.
“No one is in favor of drunks on the road but this crackdown is about money and little else. People will do what it takes to escape the hum-drum that often exists in daily life,” said one opponent of the measure. “Draconian legislation such as this implies that it is the drink itself that threatens the social system when we all know it is the abusive drinker.”
Many of the state’s residents have already are plans to immigrate to Utah where liquor laws are more liberal, if the bill passes the Senate.
– Fred Zeppelin
’98 class reunion canceled
(Gunnison) A reunion of the class of 1898 has been canceled since all potential participants are no longer among the living. After repeated attempts to contact persons believed to have attended Gunnison High School during that period the organizers have given up.
“All we had to go on was a tattered list and a few songs and myths that have survived over the decades,” said one exhausted volunteer. “Although they had a written language and a slew of newspapers back in those days the information we sought was remote at best.”
Persons who might have graduated in 1898 would most likely have been born around 1880 that would make them 139 years old today.
“We found a few people in their early 100s but nobody any older,” said the same source. “It was a good idea in concept but in reality it fell quite short of the goal.”
The group has now focused on creating a class reunion for persons attending Gunnison High School from 1940-1970.
“We’ve located lots of these people still kicking around and have talked to some about attending our function,” said the volunteer. “The 1898 reunion would have been rather slow anyway. Sure, people are living longer these days but we were pushing the envelope.”
“Nothing is so aggravating as calmness.”
– Oscar Wilde
NEW READER SURVEY AND RESULTS
Solicited response from real people who have little to do
and even less to think about during the day.
Should Daylight Shavings time be on the Official 2020 Election Ballot?
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Please vote now while we still have a white majority.
BONUS QUESTION (Members only please)
Complete the sentence: If Al Gore had won in 2000…
Last month’s question: What is the opposite of Snowflake*?
63% said Slush; 19% said Acid Rain; 10% said Hail. 6% said Overweight, under-educated, xenophobic, frightened, gun-toting, homophobic, quasi-religious bigot. 2% had no opinion despite the fact that they are full-time residents on the planet.
*Term applied to progressives by throwbacks.
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15 seconds on fame on St. Stephen’s Green
Barman adjusts the Horseshoe masthead in the Horseshoe Bar at the Shelbourne Hotel in Dublin, Eire. Although the website display was limited to fifteen seconds some ladies from Usher’s Quay said they liked it. (Photo by Peter Kron)
