All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Exhibitionist Falls From Bridge
(Manana, CO) A man seen exposing himself to motorists passing below has fallen from the Gabby Haze Memorial Bridge here.
More than 100 drivers observed the alleged misdeed during commuter rush hour Thursday. According to one eye witness the unnamed perpetrator was there one minute and gone the next. The distance of the fall was estimated at 26 feet.
“Out of nowhere a strong gusty wind came up and swooped the pervert off the bridge using him to crash on to the asphalt below, “ said Shirley Trench-Coate of Wimpton. “The whole deal was creepy but then a mindful wind finished the job.”
The suspect was cheated and released at St Roscoe’s Hospital and is in the slammer here. A trail date is set for August. Bail was denied.
(In keeping with editorial policies at the Horseshoe no one actually dies in these silly stories. The editorial staff did file to make an exception in this case. Response is pending).
WEST CORK, WEST SLOPE SIGN WEATHER ACCORD
(Montrose) County governments in Cork, Ireland and Montrose, Colorado have agreed in principle to exchange excess weather. In short, the Irish region would receive 10 more days of sun in trade for 10 more days of rain for the Rocky Mountain area.
A test run and other logistics are yet to be worked out but everyone involved seems optimistic regarding the innovative switch. Mutual benefits were noted while hiccups spelled out in last night’s meeting held in Brussels, for no apparent reason.
“Many could argue that West Cork gets an abundance of rain while Western Colorado continually flirts with drought,” said Mary O’Shaughnessy of Glandore.
“We could use a little more moisture around here while a few lost days of sun might be seen as a relief to our parched populace,” said Paddy O’Hurley, of Kinikin Heights.
Further weather exchanges may be in the works for such distinct climate zones as Russia and Alabama as well as Colombia and Indonesia. Some say this cooperation will lead to better diplomatic ties and understanding of other cultures.
This private agreement between two sovereign regions is in no way an attempt to undress monster weather patterns of the past few years.
“The extreme weather indicates that we are perched on an angry planet about to shake off its many fleas,” quipped Shaughnessy in Hiberno-English. “We are not here to hold back the flood just to make it a bit more pleasant while we await the paybacks of bad resource management.”
– Fred Zeppelin
HAT TRICK RESURGENCE IN HOCKEY PUCKS
The Hat Trick Ranch (aka Last Pinos Ranch) has survived years of rough going and come out smelling like a rose…or maybe a puck. After decades of close-to-the-bone cattle ranching, the place now prides itself on producing the finest organic hockey pucks on the planet.
Back in 1975 the old place looked like it was going the way of the Cookie Tree and other legendary spreads in the Uncompahgre Valley. The talk was of flooding the place and building a mass reservoir. First it was downtown Ridgway, then Billy Creek, then the Lower Dallas, then and the present site on the shores of Spud Hill.
It’s all due to a prudent Raynell “Cheery” Campbell, whose family homesteaded the sagebrush, cedar and dried river bottom acreage in 1889. By 1980 she had found herself “poor on the feeding end but rich on the way out” and it led her to capitalize on her best natural resource.
Then Raynell and her team reached out.
In 1983 she bought her first puck press from a small Toronto sausage maker, dragged it over the Rockies and began producing cow pies as round and perfect as hockey pucks. Passing motorists would marvel at field after field of pucks drying in the Colorado sunshine.
Puck bovines were common in Europe before World War I but the art of processing the discs was lost in the shuffle until the 50s. Above we catch a glimpse of Cheery Campbell’s aunt Berna during a milking expedition in Reims in 1916 with one of those special cows.
“My neighbors thought I was a moron but genius is never detected by the blind and frightened,” she said sipping a double Campari and soda on the rocks in her quasi test range — a three-acre ice rink specifically designed for quality control.
In only three years she had sold over 2 million of the rubber-coated dung discs. Customers included school programs, junior hockey associations and later even the National Hockey League.
“When we found the right industrial dryer and a sealer that could stay off the sauce, we went into full production and raised the bar overnight,” she spat.
“It takes special type of cow to drop a hockey puck. You gotta know what you’re looking for at the sale barn,” said explained. “It ain’t the color or size of the animal or even what it is fed,” she continued. “It’s more about attitude and wanting more out of life.”
Campbell’s cows, which she lovingly calls thoroughbreds, don’t look all that much different from your run-of-the-mill bovine…to the uninitiated…but to the staff at Hat Trick knows a hockey popper when they see one.
The connection between cows and hockey pucks was unheard of around these parts until Hat Trick Ranch got the ball rolling in the 1970s.
And they’ve seen many. The healthy herd that currently grazes in the grass of the Mañana Creek ranch numbers in the low thousands. Although generally tranquil the cows are ultra-sensitive and visitors are reminded to stay on the their own side of the fence.
The face off at Hat Trick Ranch is the innovative rural subcultures that have spawn a host of satellite industries. Tourists gobble them up along with colorful brochures and T-shirts.
“It’s all in our secret formula which combines just the right amount of the stuff you sling with the stuff that holds it together,” she reiterated.
– Sally Peaches
“I don’t spit in the beer of the devil, if the devil don’t spit in mine.”
-Mint Juleps on Mickey Hart’s Mystery Box
TRUMPS OUT LOOKING AT PRISONS
Trump family values were showcased this weekend with major players enjoying an outing together after attending church services at a bank in Florida.
The first extended family visited three state institutions and two federal lockups in apprehension of stays at either or both facilities. They did not have contact with inmates who had been shuffled off so as not to distract or subtract from the highly publicized tours. Each family member has his own “must haves” including cells with balconies and golf privileges.
“They love to spend time together,” said Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Kellyanne Conway in perfect unison. “We hope they found a nice slammer. We plan to visit just as soon as they are all incarcerated.”
Sanders later denied making the statement following what was called a tense briefing by shadow White House staff. Conway has yet to change her story. Neither responded to reporters who asked if the pair would be joining their bosses behind bars “any time soon”.
Seventeenth Century FOX News covered the event lauding the Trumps for spending time as “a good Christian family in the beautiful spring weather” and for thinking ahead on matters of national security. It added that the Trumps were only there in an official capacity and the excursion had little to do with the First Step Act, recently passed in a rare bipartisan vote. The network added that the pleasant weather was proof enough that global warming was just another farce, “another witch hunt”, parroted one analyst.
“If we had more families like the Trumps we’d have more families like the Trumps,” said the GOP propaganda tool that delights so many. “That confirms it for us and should for you too or illegal aliens and gay people will get you.
“Some prisons are better than others,” said Jared Kushner (not pictured) who may find out sooner than later.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
BLACK HOLE PHOTOS INADVERTENTLY DELETED
The first photos of the infamous Black Hole have accidentally been deleted according to sources at MIT. Monster gravity in and around the sunken star reportedly grabbed the data and ate it up like a midnight snack, effectively deleting the pictures.
A post-doctoral fellow at Harvard University, Dr Katie Bouman, developed the algorithm which captured the image of the infamous Black Hole just last week but already the data has been sucked into the gravitational sinkhole when no one was looking.
According to astronomers here the image was “deleted” but not by operator error or human mishandling. Rather it was a victim of the massive pull of mega-gravity.
“Of course the images were sucked into the Black Hole,” said another scientist who has worked on the project for over ten years. “By very definition it had to have been this way. Isn’t this the nature of the beast?”
Researchers contend that the limited exposure to the photo data, while gone for good, may allow them to further expand their understanding of gravity.
Meanwhile “earth is flat evangelists” from Starkville to Sacramento say the Black Hole revelation is nothing short of a peek into the gates of hell (upstairs version), while Democrats insist that the image bears a peculiar likeness to Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell. (Photos to be released with full Mueller Report).
The senator from Kentucky (McConnell) had no comment and was reportedly waiting for a tweet from President Trump before making any comment related to the disclosure.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“If you want to know the trees you must go into the forest.” – Barbara Birch
