All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Horseshoe Denies Endorsement Rumors, Will Protect Sources

(Fruita) General Kashmir Horseshoe vehemently denied reports that his editorial staff planned to endorse a ticket comprised of  the late Archduke Ferdinand for President and Apple Annie Peach as Vice President of the United States in November of 2028. These candidates, representing the hopes and dreams of the Silly Old Bosnia Party of Sarajevo, have been the house guests of the publisher since March, leading to an assortment of speculations. Sources at the city desk also denied the rumors, writing them off as utter nonsense.

“Anyone with a lick of sense can see through all of this,” said one under-editor. “We remain firm in our policy not to endorses any candidate or candidates until well after the election.”

The Horseshoe remains defiant in its refusal to identify sources of news on the website sanjuanhorseshoe.com. Saying that anyone participating in growing the news deserves privacy and protection from legal action and harrassment. The satirical watchdog then highlighted a growing list of its efforts in response to yet another gov’ment demand for transparency.

“We will strive to protect our sacred freedoms and will continue providing the full spectrum of news and capsuled comment from both sides. These First-Amedndment safeguards include writers, amateur film makers, judges, eye witnesses, pollsters, whistle blowers, political eccentrics and experts voicing unpopular projections.

These courageous souls, whether real or imagined, will exercise the right to speak up, relying on this redoubt from corporate and gov’ment strong-arming. Corroborating sources will enjoy hayseed lawyers, backwater promontories and a complimentary continental breakfast as well as highly technical, quite modern methods of promoting free speech in the face on mindless tyranny. Humor works better than bulllets but only up to a point, he said.”

Bright stars at the website called the Horseshoe’s often mulish lack of compliance “one of baseline brinks on the cusp of a new world threashold that advances the agenda of all Americans. They say their struggles herein benefit society as a whole even the predatorial population and those who buy into the cesspools of ignorance churned out by elements who want to control your soul with fear and repetitive soundbytes.

In an official statement the news venue tempered its response: “We will consciensiously represent our good faith by supporting the valiant and impulsive, the staid and the contrary, be they fountainheads of information or merely peddlers of the mundane recording snippets of history in muffled whispers or methodical slapdash.”

Local fruit growers have filed a protest, demanding help in the form of increased tariffs on fruit cultivated in the Austro-Hungarian Empire.

– Fred Zeppelin

GARDENING EDITOR WOUNDED IN KNIFE FIGHT

(Gunnison) A prominent gardening voice in the Gunnison Valley is recovering from a pointed altercation suffered outside of a local nursery yesterday. According to police, Melvin Toole, of Antelope Hills, will survive the injuries although he is having trouble holding water at present.

      The fight reportedly precipitated over the definition of  perennial and in no time had exploded into violence as threats were realized and knives were brandished.

     The assailant, a 93-year-old Gunnison grandmother identified as Mabel Singleton, allegedly rushed the unsuspecting Toole as he fondled a tomato plant, stabbing him repeatedly. Singleton, a retired botanist, once employed by the Pentagon, said she could not tolerate Toole’s condescending attitude toward  the philodendrons. She is being held at the Alamo/Pizza Mountain Mental Health Clinic for psychiatric observation. If convicted she could face pruning and lifetime banishment from gardening operations in the Tomichi and Fossil Ridge Sectors.

     In a related piece, the same newspaper’s obituary editor, Rocky Flats, dropped dead just after deadline on Friday. Flats has only recently won the Mormon Lottery. His winnings will be split up between his ex-wife, Frieda, a Paraguayan traffic cop and his brother Red who raises giant shrimp and miniature elephants near Parlin.

– Estelle Marmotbreath

Cowboys Must Register Horses

(Montrose) Local cowpunchers in Region Zen have until October 31 to register their mounts or face stiff penalties. According to a recently adopted ordinance this effects all breeds including donkeys and mules but not burros or jack-asses.

At present sheep, goats, cows and poultry remain unaffected unless they 1.) are used for herd control 2.) engaged in racing 3.) riden to town on Saturday night 4.) exhibit behavior linked to hoof and mouth or mad cow disease. Local leaders say they need to get a handle on just how many horses live in the area while critics call the move “a slow side-saddle sister to the yet another unneccessary census.”

Either way, the law is the law and compliance is demanded or animals will be confiscated and sent to dude ranches or even glue factories in the Philippines. Horse owners can register at any county court house, local feed store or in the Wal-Mart parking lot. The procedure is much like registering a car. One simply stands in line, writes a check and goes home with a meaningless slip of paper. Fees (taxes) are determined, like vehicles, by the age of the horse.

A 20-year-old sway-back will cost far less than a two-year-old stallion or brood mare. Quarter horses (compacts) will run about 80% of the ownership fees for a hay-guzzling Thoroughbred or an Arabian. Appaloosas and Pintos will be charged on the basis of composition, weight and fuel capacity.

Persons wishing to employ the controversial gelding discount should mail in requests to Horse Flesh Tax, Dept. of Bits and Harnesses, 26 Hackamore Lane, Cimarron Beach, CO. Remember to include the code or we will throw your application in the trash.

“We realize that registering one’s horse seems cumbersome, like saddling a philly for some of the younger cow punchers,” said Muriel Maunge, of the newly created agency, “but it has become a necessary part of rural life. After all, how can we issue licenses if the horses are unregistered?”

Maunge, who has never been on a horse, preferring small dogs and tropical fish, says her department will not rest until every horse is registered.

“We make no exceptions,” she snapped. “Why if I had the chance I’d register Pegasus…or even Trigger himself.”

For a related piece dial up

“The Gelded Age – Humans Surrender the Precious Gift of Rational Thought.”

By G. Peter Gatsby, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.

O’Toole whacked upside the head by a “shooting star”

(Colona) It’s summer in the Rockies and anything can happen. Why just the other night our associate editor collided with what local astronomers say was a shooting star.

Actually the star collided with O’Toole sending him senselessly shooting through a drift of man-made snow, frightening a crew of mule deer, and leaving residents wondering what else is on the agenda.

“I was just out in the yard feeding my marmots when Wham! I was forty feet to the south. My knees and elbows took the worst of it and the sudden flash did nothing for my cell phone reception or my attitude.”

O’Toole is currently under observation at St Roscoe’s Drive-Through Clinic in Mañana. He is reportedly hoping he has enough miles, loyalty points, coupons, bingo credits or bonus stamp books to pay for the stay.

Legend has it that anyone hit by a falling star could expect great wealth and fame throughout his or her lifetime. Sadly, we could find no distinct reference to this legend much to the chagrin of the red-blooded target.

Although quite rare, accidents and confrontations involving heavenly bodies and people do happen. Experts tell us that meteors and rogue gravitational debris are more common dangers but that an occasional shooting star could be a threat to a continued lifespan.

“The incident in no way launches O’Toole into some elite group nor does it signify anything supernatural or mystical,” said a neighbor who reminded us that the scribe has survived shark attacks, high altitude lightning, several marriages and a run of bad chorizo since moving to Colona in 1912.

“He’ll be back puttering by the weekend,” said the neighbor. “There have been all kinds of things falling out of the sky around these parts since last winter. We figured it was the lack of moisture.”

– Gabby Haze   

FIRST FOURTH OF JULY BARBECUE A REAL BASH

by Ripple Van Winkle, whose ancestors never agreed to sign anything

“I may never attend another tea party as long as I live”

       – King George III of  England, in response to protests in Boston Harbor, 1773.

“Who brought the potato salad?”

– Josiah Bartlett, of New Hampshire, about an hour after the reading of the first draft of the Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776

The tradition of the Fourth of July barbecue has been with us for 250 years. Appropriately enough, the first one was celebrated while the ink was still wet on a noted document that declared the independence of the Thirteen American Colonies from Great Britain.*

Since the end of the French and Indian War tension between the British Crown and the Colonies had increased significantly. The conflict had left the  royal treasury depleted. The British were real estate poor and needed cash run the empire. The solution? Raise taxes in the Colonies and tighten customs controls. After all, in the eye of the Crown, the Americans had benefited most from the French defeat and somebody had to pay the caddie.

Many of the Colonists responded by harassing tax and custom officials and blood was shed. In Boston, in 1770 British redcoats opened up on protesters over on King Street, killing five. Spoiling for a fight, the Sons of Liberty jumped on the propaganda bandwagon, dubbing the bumbling incident a massacre, calling it The Shot Heard Round the World. Actually, according to ear-witnesses, the shot was heard only about as far as Concord but that little truth would not have allowed for the impact on potential supporters.

In 1773 angry Colonists hosted the Boston Tea Party and in the spring of 1775 at Lexington the fighting erupted between Yankee farmers and British regulars.

The next year, on July Fourth, with hostilities in full swing, all of the Colonies except New York voted in favor of the now completed Declaration of Independence. New York adopted it on July 11, one week after a barbecue thrown by the Continental Congress. Historians still cannot agree as to whether the New Yorkers brought the slaw or a three-bean salad but despite an afternoon of candid, often controversial exchanges the the Tory-infested colony joined the rebellion.

We eavesdrop on that fateful July 4, at about 2:30 in the afternoon: A group of revolutionaries including Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Samuel Chase, John Hancock, William Whipple and Francis Lightfoot Lee are standing around a large pit where turkeys, venison and sausage were being cooked. The accents range from Yankee twang to southern drawl.

Whipple: …I don’t know Tom, I’m all for this all men are created equal business but I’m afraid we could be in for one ass kickin.

Jefferson: You worry too much, Bill, the  British are far too busy with the French to pay us any mind. Besides, we’re half a world away.  After a few months King George’s redcoats will be in full flight, tails between their legs.

Adams: That may be wishful thinking, Tom. King George seems obsessed. He calls us a mob of insolent, petty lawyers. His doctors have even warned him about getting too excited about planning the war. I don’t expect him to back off. Our spies say he’s already hired regiments of Hessians to do his bidding.

Chase: Damn! Hessians would be nothing! Will those green horseflies give us no peace? I knew it was a mistake to rent this hall across from the livery stable!

Lee: Miserable creatures akin to British tax assessors.

Hancock: How are those ribs coming, Sam? All this prime scuttlebutt has made me quite hungry.

Chase: I’m just about to add the sauce, John. It was concocted by one of my slaves. The sausages are just about ready. Hand me the spatula and I’ll turn them again.

Franklin: Has anyone seen George Washington? He said he’d make the trip down from New York today.

Lee:  He’s probably still busy watching the British fleet come up the Hudson. Have we established an official position on his expense account yet? It’s nice that he’s agreed to run this whole shooting match without a salary but somebody had better keep an eye on his taste for the good life. His sherry bill alone could put us all in the poor house before we put a bonafide army in the field.

Whipple: Speaking of money, we really don’t have the authority to spend a penny nor to levy taxes to fight a war. We were lucky to raise money for this barbecue.

Franklin: All things in good time.  My dealings with the French have opened new doors. It is our sacred duty to continue the struggle against tyranny with empty pocketbooks if necessary. The will of a free people is powerful.

Hancock: Just who are we including on this holy roster, Doctor Franklin? What about the Indians? What about the slaves? I don’t see any women among our group of eager signers.

Lee: Now see here, John, up in Massachusetts, you’ve got a slew of hot headed ideas. You’ve also got a slew of indentured servants running around while, out of the other side of your mouth, you condemn slavery in the South. Slavery is just a matter of economics, boy. It’s nothing personal. Let’s kick the Brits out first, then we’ll deal with domestic matters.

Jefferson: It does sound a bit hypocritical now that you mention it, but the revolution will not survive without the support of the slave owners. Maybe we could change the wording in the first paragraph. How does some men are created equal grab you?

Whipple: It’s too late. Our declaration is already at the printers. Besides, most of the fringe element cannot read anyway.

Franklin: Either way I think we have defined a set of timeless democratic principles…

Adams: That’s nice, Doctor, but let’s get back to this “all men being created equal matter. Is that everybody or just white males who read and write and own land?

Franklin: It’s not just everyone who’s here now. It includes all the people who will come to these shores in the future.

Whipple: Immigrants? I never considered that a break with the Empire will open us up to hordes of the tired and poor. Do you want a bunch of ragamuffin foreigners roaming the streets of Philadelphia, Doctor Franklin?

Franklin: I don’t see that we have a choice. We have to include everyone.

Lee: Nonsense. We have to keep the lid on or we will become the minority in our own land.

Jefferson: It may appear to some that we have acted hastily and that reconciliation with the Crown is the logical outcome of our efforts…

Franklin: Reconciliation is no part of anyone’s plan. It’s submission or the sword. Our only alternative to independence is slavery.

Adams: Slavery for who?

Chase: Slavery for slaves, John. You Yankees just can’t seem to get a grip, can you.

Jefferson: Gentlemen, let’s not argue over issues yet to be addressed. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Adams: And then what happens when we want to get to the other side?

Lee: Gentlemen, please, let’s not let politics get in the way of our stomachs. Looks like the table is prepared. Let’s eat.

Hancock: Not so fast, Francis. I think my esteemed colleague from Massachusetts is on to something. Surely the French will be laughing up their silk sleeves at our brashness. I think we had better decide the slavery issue now.

Chase: Your food’s getting cold, John. First we have to send King George packing, then we can talk this over. I’m sure we’ll come to the right conclusions. After all, we are honorable men. Try some of these ribs. They’re delicious, and the eagle’s not half bad either.

*The actual signing of the declaration didn’t take place until August 2  but here, for the convenience of all, the author ascends to the divine right of historical embellishment . In addition, it is virtually impossible to determine if everyone holds a barbecue on that date.

    

KARMA MAN IN TOWN AGAIN

(Crested Butte) The much maligned Karma Man will once again be coming around the mountains for the summer. Despite attempts by some residents to convince him to circulate a wider radius, he will be in local faces through September. Civic and religious leaders have struggled to determine the source of his incredible powers but have failed, leading the scientific community to project that his activities are in sync with the cosmic flow.

“He was here last summer and people immediately started reaping what they had sowed,” said one local sage. “It’s a really beautiful sight to behold unless of course you are one of the people who have been taking extended draws against the bank of morality.

“This Karma Man character doesn’t have to do much,” he continued. “We do it all to ourselves. He is just the avenue of delivery, the medium of exchange on the stock market of destiny.”

Although nothing is etched in stone, the Karma guy’s tentative schedule is as follows:

Crested Butte: July 10 -20; Gunnison: July 21 -Aug 9; Montrose: Aug 10 – 22 Ridgway: Aug 23 – Aug 30) Ouray: August 23-August 30; Norwood: September 1-6; Telluride: September 7-21.

Any delusional or disallusioned inmates of the smaller towns in the region should report to the closest burg as defined above.

Please note: The signs says: We cannot make an appointment unless you have an appointment. Disruptive patients and their families will be treated accordingly.

HOW DID WE DO?
Please take this short quiz and share your feedback on karma-cleaning services rendered by Karma Man. If Karma Man owes you money he will get it to you. Your invoice is right by the phone. If you owe Karma Man money please send to Department of Insurgencies, Widows and Oreads Clinic,  33 Owen Meany Avenue, Circumference-on-Louvre, Paris.

-Mario Schwerveau

“Kiss my aura, Dora.”  – Frank Zappa (1940 – 1993)