All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Skis Must Include Warning Label
(Crested Butte) All skis and snowboards manufactured after 2013 must display a mandatory label notifying winter sports enthusiasts of the potential hazards intrinsic to the employment of the athletic devices. The ruling came down after an upsurge in lawsuits claiming that manufacturers were acting irresponsibly by not informing patrons of dangers inherent to regular use of their products.
“The age of common sense has once again eluded us,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA), sponsor of the legislation. “It is surely sad that people can’t police themselves on the slopes or standing in a bucket of water in body armor while playing with electrical outlets. Natural selection has gone the way of the buffalo but unlike the recovery of that great mammal it has yet to make a comeback. Precedent has been set. Idiots have been awarded millions of dollars due to their own stupidity and we don’t want to see the struggling ski industry be further tapped. Insurance premiums are high enough.”
The warning signs must be prominently displayed on the front of both skis. Federal inspectors will begin random checks in January. It is still not clear if boots and poles will be included in the restrictive measures.
“We have all seen the harm that can result after a day spent in tight ski boots,” continued Noise, “and the damage inflicted with ski poles can be devastating. Ski rental shops take full responsibility with regards to bindings but nobody is undressing the chronic problem of boards on the snow. This is when your gov’ment must step in and protect you. Thank your lucky stars for the gov’ment, heh?”
Already rules and regulations have been plastered on every lift and lift ticket in an attempt to insulate against legal actions. Cautions as to skiing out of bounds and or changing weather conditions have become routine since the early days of ski areas.
“Caveats have been rendered and now it’s up to the people and snowboarders to embrace accountability,” said the senator.
In a related story Congress has issued new guidelines leavened with statutes relevant to mattresses and dog owners. As of next year all bed manufacturers must display a caution tag informing sleepers that getting out of bed can be dangerous. In the canine sector, all dogs must exhibit collar warnings as to the possibility of bites, gluttony or jumping up on an unsuspecting bystander.
“This goes beyond the traditional mattress removal laws and humane society recommendations,” he spat. “Shall the police visit the boudoir? Shall inspections be concurrent with doggy’s morning ritual?
According to preliminary canons, parties who fail to fully cooperate with government directives will be shot.
– Avery Gallant
ESPM RELEASES WINTER SPORTS SCHEDULE
(New Jork) The whirled’s largest sports network will present a host of new programs starting this winter. Standouts include women’s street lacrosse and regatta competitions as well as tried and true features like celebrity raft excursions and jail bait bass fishing. All will be seen in original full length with complimentary simulcasts in Spanish and French. Here are some highlights with brief synopsis:
Ancient Mariner Hurricane Regatta
For nine weeks running, ESPM has filmed brave men and women who insist on sailing in near-death conditions and riding out hurricanes far from dry land. Although footage is particularly marred by the swirl of high winds and cracking masts the bare-boned desire of salty rivalries more than makes up for the quality of the audio. During the pilot series over 30 boats, and as many daredevil sailors, were lost at sea. The segment was rescued from the cutting room floor after a leading pain relief concern jumped on board with eleventh hour sponsorship. The regatta is expected to run through December, when the winds die down and pick up again in August. Offseason broadcasts will center on Puritan fruit drying and the history of tobacco planting in Tidewater Virginia compliments of the Mystery Channel.
Insomniac Women’s Street Lacrosse
Need a little simulated contact to put you to sleep? Tune into the ESPM’s newest costume drama. Well-documented women athletes go at it for three periods on rollerblades, armed with rocket pocket lacrosse sticks and mace. The winner is determined not only by final score but by style and grace. Most of the competitions are presented live which certainly adds to the suspense at that often dark time of the day. The popularity of the sport is catching on like wildfire with three leagues operating in the US alone. Burghs like Waterloo and Winnemucca have already extorted funds from the local population to build gaping stadiums “the size of a Texas Nascar racetrack.” Sponsored by the maker of a prominent pain relief formula street lacrosse is sure to catch on with disaffected roller derby fans and maybe pull in a few football fans unhappy with non-violent safety curbs recently imposed by that sport.
Celebrity Raft Excursions II
Although very little information has been released about this anxiously awaited feature, most people in the industry agree it is just a remake of Celebrity Raft Excursions I. Executives at ESPM have been ultra-secretive and reluctant to share details and product research findings while insiders are laughing up their sleeve at a “concocted fan base made up of overweight couch dwellers who have no lives and subsist on the behavior of others to create their own empty psyche.” Details of upcoming shows are scant but we do know that the first episode involves a randomly selected audience member enjoying a three week respite on the Coral Sea with four half-starved World War II Japanese naval veterans. In early December viewers may thrill to the exploits of a celebrity rafting crew made up of Rush Limbaugh, Nancy Pelosi, Liz Cheney, the British Petroleum dancers and the ashes urn reputedly holding the remains of deceased senator, Ted Kennedy. Due to the overburden weight the craft will be coupled with a large wooden dingy once used on the set of Mulligan’s Island. Then, nearer to the holidays, ESPM travels to death row at the Tennessee State Penitentiary for a roundtable discussion on recreational water craft safety.
Waco Joe’s Jail Bait Bass Fishing
Every Saturday world famous sport fisherman Waco Joe will be chronicled as he goes bass fishing with very young girls in scanty bathing suits. 56-year-old Joe, a retired submariner, attempts to teach his crew the right way to nail a bass. Filmed in Louisiana with subtitles. Sponsored by Clearasil Ointment and a major pain relief manufacturer.
Big news…
at ESPM is the adoption of instant replay color analysis practiced by broadcasters on the air. In what is called a sophisticated approach to sports sharing the network will present two sets of broadcasting teams, one housed in the main press booth and another, comprised of educated jocks and idiomatic experts placed in a surreptitious spot somewhere in the given complex with powerful field glasses and svelte monitoring equipment. As one might expect the second pair is in place to critique the first in the genres of proper speech, attire, contrived body language and use of mindless and monotonous cliches. The appraisals will be made after every time out of inning change. Mistakes will be dealt with harshly and often result in terminations despite the often king-size egos of the deposed.
Fuball
Volleyball’s for girls
Tennis is for sissies
Gimme Fuball
Gimme Fuball.
Chess is for wimps
Swimmin for worms
Gimme Fuball
Gimme Fuball.
Hockey is for softheads
Golf is for jellyfish
Gimme Fuball
Gimme Fuball.
Bowling is for cowards
Baseball is for milksops
Gimme Fuball
Gimme Fuball.
Surfing is for squid
Jogging is for chickens
Gimme Fuball
Gimme Fuball.
Yachting is for pantywaists
Handball is for doormats
Gimme Fuball
Gimme Fuball.
– Ernest Washington, halfback
Northeast Southwest Oklahoma
Lake City Rumor Mill Shut Down
(Capitol City) One of the last vestiges of the San Juan mining era was closed today, dislodging a chunk of the population and leaving others cemented in their overshoes, shocked and clueless.
The termination of activities at the mill, located up Henson Creek adjacent to the Yellow Snow Mine, is reportedly due to erratic production, general neglect, bad whiskey and ground pollution. According to people in ties, clipboards and white shirts from the Euphemistic Procrastination Agency the mill presented a danger to the health and harmony of the town.
“The EPA has confirmed the forced closure of the celebrated Lake City Rumor Mill,” said a source within the agency. “Tomorrow we bring in the bulldozers and dynamite. Soon all traces of that wicked pimple on the landscape will be gone.”
The former rumor mill, thought to be haunted, will become a destination spot for extreme ninja RVers, due to high landslide potential on the funny side of the mountain.
For decades the rumor mill churned out juicy stories involving everyone from the mayor to the town drunk. Attempts to pump life into the facility have been futile due to its remote status and distance from civilization. National historic distinction has done little to generate operating funds and potential for an obscure structural wilderness status is still up in the air.
“I remember kissing Margaret Hatch in front of the mill in my ’54 Chevy back in 1953,” said Old Man Pritchard of the Hinsdale Pritchards. “When her daddy got wind of my intentions he chased me all the way to Spar City with a chainsaw. Boy, those were the days!”
The rumor mill’s popularity as a make-out spot soon came to the attention of local law enforcement agencies who carried out countless SWAT team excursions into the area in the Sixties and Seventies.
“We were convinced there were guerrillas hiding in the tunnels out there,” said one deputy, “but all we found were a bunch of nubian hippies and their skinny goats.”
Despite a sadness lingering over the town most people have accepted the closure and have gotten back to the business of talking about each other.
“Plowing over a few acres of rock will never stop the gossip from flowing,” said one resident credited with starting tattle on such hot topics as lake polygamy to naughty knife swapping parties to UFO landings on the Cannibal Plateau. “After one particularly creative session we had hundreds of tourists out looking for Slumgullion’s Treasure as far south as the Weminuche when everyone here knows that the peg-legged, murdering pirate’s stash was deposited in the local bank back in 2009.”
According to gov’ment agencies jockeying for fetal position above town, mounds of tailings, the residue of the mill, will be hauled to the Ronald Reagan Re-Education Camp at Powderhorn. Rumor has it that it will then be spun into gold by political prisoners currently incarcerated there. – Fred Zeppelin
THE TARZAN AND JANE DIALOGUES
Brought to you every Saturday afternoon in innocent black and white by O’Hara’s Kalahari Breath Mints and Monkey Calming Ointment. O’Hara’s – Recognized by schlimazels the world over as an effective cholesterol substitute and mirth control device.
The scene: A tree house in East Africa
Jane: It says here in the Nairobi paper that Chief Mutumbo has won a lucrative insurance settlement after falling out of his tree house.
Tarzan: Tarzan no read. Chief drunk? Chief win lotta money?
Jane: 10,000 pilasters, dear.
Tarzan: That buy lotta jungle juice and bones for all wives’ noses.
Jane: And what’s more the Somalian Optimists have been forced to cancel the annual Feed the Homeless Feast.
Tarzan: Why? They not have food?
Jane: No, dear, it’s another insurance hang-up. The club is afraid one of the homeless might sue, you know, if they get food caught in their throat or they stab themselves with a fork.
Tarzan: That silly. Homeless not afford lawyers.
(Tarzan is distracted as a flock of vultures flies overhead)
Jane: That’s what you think. Have you seen Cheetah today?
Tarzan: Monkey gone shopping for new Cadillac.
Jane: A new car? I didn’t know Cheetah drove.
Tarzan: Monkey drive now. Tobacco company settle for lotta cash. Cheetah smoke for twenty years. Has bad cough. Get lawyer. Sue cigarette maker.
Jane: The tobacco company paid Cheetah a settlement?
Tarzan: That right. Lotta cash. Look for Cadillac.
Jane: That reminds me dear, we just got a bill for the elephant’s employee health insurance, and Boy’s life insurance plus don’t forget your tree swinger’s accident insurance is due Tuesday.
Tarzan: Tarzan surprised loincloth insurance not mandatory.
THE END
