All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

NORTH POLE RESIDENTS HOT UNDER COLLAR

Holiday stress takes its toll

(Prince of Whales Island) It couldn’t have come at a more difficult time. Christmas was in the air, deadlines were nailed on the wall. The holiday crunch was breathing down the necks of elves and reindeer, of Santa himself. That’s probably what did it.

It all started when Red Sayles advertised reindeer on the menu over at the Arctic Cafe. He bragged about fried reindeer, reindeer stew, even escalloped reindeer. It was supposed to be a joke, to lighten things up prior to the Thanksgiving madness but it backfired. Lines of reindeer picketed Red’s place, not only disrupting his lucrative trade but causing a void in the local work force over at the sleigh barn.

The word is that Red won’t take down the signs and the herds continue to protest his political insensitivities. He hasn’t sold but a few of the featured items either.
Of course, if the Yuletide muscle teams don’t have enough to worry about, their self-imposed leader, Rudolph, is victim to reoccurring ego trips. He has apparently attempted to get his fellow reindeer to pledge allegiance to King Rudolf. He has fashioned a system of whistles and mirrors so as to better show off his nose, and he insists on landing first on each and every roof, so as to be the primary subject of every child’s sleigh viewing.

“It’s bad enough we have to haul the fat boy around all night,” said Prancer, a soft-spoken reindeer, of unidentified gender. “Then we have to listen to Rudolph giving orders. It’s enough to make me go back to work in the tundra fields.”
The reindeer aren’t the only ones upset with the size of Santa.

“Hey, it’s not like we pay first class for sleigh rides,” said Groppo, an elf of low degree, “nor is it a matter of spending the night delivering presents with the old fart. It’s just that he takes up so much room once aboard. There’s no room for presents so we have to follow the main sleigh around with smaller orbiting sleighs. Besides, we spend a lot of time testing his sleigh for safety. It operates great when he’s not bogging things down.”

Many elves insist that Santa doesn’t listen to them.

“Just because we like body piercing and smoke cigarettes (94% of elves smoke at least four packs of cigarettes per day) he turns his back on us. We settled with the tobacco companies. Santa (himself an elf, though a non-smoking one) got his piece of the pie,” continued Groppo.

“You’ve no doubt noticed how television portrays the average American male as an overweight, stupid, football mad, infantile, suburban sheep? Santa passes us off to other cultures in much the same way only he paints us with tobacco juice on our chins, rings in our noses, and a pint in our back pockets. It’s not so, not these days anyway. He thinks he’s the big kahuna, the don, the Norse king. Well, he ain’t. nothin’ but an elf who was in the right place at the right time.”

Other elves say the wedge with Santa has to do with poor test scores.

“Sure our test scores are down from a few years ago but most of us have to keep a second job to survive. I deliver pizzas. My kids work at the car wash. My brother takes tourists for snowmobile rides,” said Rasputin, a skinny elf with a dark beard and beady eyes.

“Most of us can’t even afford a ski pass even though the ski areas are located on public lands,” added a third elf, named Elsie. “We used to sneak on to the lifts disguised as kids but deeper voices and facial hair give us away these days. Even us girls.” – Kashmir Horseshoe

Yes, its snow…

A mailbox stands guard awaiting its lunch. Snow and foggy weather makes the San Juan mountains invisible from downtown Colona.  (December 15, 2015)

Yule Jewel Astrograph

(Mañana, Colorado   Yuletide Crier and Whiner   DEC 13, 2015)

General Horseshoe, incorruptible alchemist, star gazer and slave to the solar system takes no prisoners in the following appraisal of your very cosmic existence. Sorry if anyone is offended, upended, rebuked, ambushed or otherwise uprooted by his frank evaluations. Go ahead now and open your presents.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
Repel nightly fears of household appliance breakdown. What good is drastic self-improvement if nobody is watching? Growth may arrive in strange little packages with odd wrappings and a painful bow on the top. A choice is obvious although primary options may lead one to believe he is at the mercy of his own stupidity. Look before you leap but never through rose colored glasses. Be sure to drain all rum, vodka and gin bottles this month as these are strictly summer concoctions and should not be consumed in colder weather. Tonight: Learn to juggle ideologies and balance an opinion on the end of your nose.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Peace on Earth is not an advertising slogan. Stop beating your head against the wall. Try using a small club instead in order to better reach those empty spaces between your ears. Cut to the quick when dealing with matters of the heart. Cardiac arrest has been found to relieve stress in laboratory rats. While conditions look extremely encouraging for most Capricorns this month, your lack of initiative and zoo breath will cause yet another social explosion. Don’t take any crap off your boss. If bad habits were secure collateral, you could take out a fifteen-year mortgage on a new personality. Get some exercise this afternoon by walking down to the bar for a change. Tonight: Cows in the corn.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)
Let’s go surfin’ now, everybody’s learnin’ how. Come on a safari with me. Thus far you have managed to waltz through life without ever considering where you came from and where you’re going. Good job. If you can keep cruising at this pace you should achieve true enlightenment by next Thursday night. Use caution when working with unfamiliar tools such as your intellect. Household decisions should always be made right there in your house. Comparison shopping may convince you to shun the roll of consumer altogether. Call someone in Cleveland Heights tonight.

PISCES (February 20 -March 20)
Just because salmon insist on running upstream doesn’t mean you have to follow. Go with the flow but only on your own terms. Playing the waiting game is much safer in the middle of the river. Avoid predictable feeding habits. It’s time to put on that extra layer of fat for the winter before the bait goes south. Your cold-blooded lifestyle may insulate you from more than you had once imagined. When dealing with family members keep in mind that they operate on similar misconceptions. It’s genetic. Get off your high horse. He will only throw you when you least expect it. Tonight: In preference to rolls, skip the chips.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
When dealing in financial matters keep a stiff upper lip or you could get caught with your pants down. The potential for a long, happy life awaits you but first you must make it through this afternoon. Spend equal time contemplating your inevitable destiny and your increasing density. Take advantage of insomnia. There’s nobody out jogging at two in the morning. Don’t wish too hard for something or you might pull a muscle in your libido. Using words you don’t understand is alright if you’re only talking to yourself anyway. Improvise despite inclinations to bull forward. Tonight: Spend time with a social parasite.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Your good humor and charisma are getting old. Try the scrooge approach that way people won’t expect you to be nice for Christmas.You will perform best today by staying out of the mainstream. Buying people off could be better than putting them on. An old lover will hit you with a wrought iron cane or bamboo rocking chair in the wee hours. Today is a great day to have your picture taken with a bowl of cold oatmeal. If you intend to speak from the heart today make sure to bring along a choreographer. Confusion reigns and that’s lucky for you since it is one of the only things you are good at. Tonight: Academic strolls down primrose lane.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Dreams of travel should not be chronicled by sleeping in your car. You may not work well under pressure this month. Try letting the air out of your ego. Learn the difference between on the street and in the street. Your goldfish adore you. If you must stuff a stocking with Spam, at least leave it in the can. Santa likes his eggs over easy. Plug in your car since your ruler, Mercury, is expected to go into retrograde tonight. Pay bills only after initial threats are received. Concentrate on what’s important: Find your sweet patootie. Tonight: Keep eating fruitcake.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Your intrinsic hunter/gatherer instincts are in full swing this week. Don’t attempt to fight it. Hunt and gather till you puke. Pigeons may mistake you for a statue. Dogs may mistake you for a fire hydrant. Stay away from garbage cans when those noisy, early morning trucks are in that neighborhood. Break bread but not promises. Fixing things that are not broken may net unexpected results in the early morning. Chicken lips make great stocking stuffers but long legs are better. Go ahead and lie to yourself. Everyone else is doing it. Tonight: Examine the roots of rap music.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Venus (planet of love and seduction) will enter your 8th house of secrets and intimacy on Tuesday. Spend Monday mucking out your bathroom or the visit will be short-lived. Neptune and Pluto will ask you to co-sign a loan for fireworks on the 30th. Don’t do it or you could get burned. Today is a perfect time to fill your dance card for the winter as the band plays on. Planning for the future will simply result in more organized failure as the new moon passes overhead. Avoid cheap cigars at romantic moments and Christmas cards altogether. Traveling to the beat of a different drummer may require a foghorn. Decisions can best be made by the flip of a coin. Tonight: A fish has his fins on you.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
At press time we have received little indication as to your plight for the month. This could be very good news or a disastrous turn of events depending on your altitude. Turn up the bass. Let us know what happens. You’re going to heaven all right but get to the airport early to go through security. We care. When it comes to the American work ethic look to the little man from the North Pole. He works one night a year and is applauded by millions as a hero. Could this concept work for you? If you have been thinking about committing yourself to some kind of cause or campaign why not go the full gambit and commit yourself to an institution. They have kitchens and a place to sleep. Santa Claus is real. You are not. Tonight: Have breakfast in bed.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 23)
How can you see yourself as a super hero when you don’t even own a decent cape? Wait for blocking before attempting a runback from deep in your end zone. Sometimes it’s better to settle for the sure thing and begin your operations from the 20 yard line. Although the element of surprise is valuable, punting too early could leave you with terrible field position later in life. It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. What matters is that you’re not doing anything. Remember: Nobody ever cut themselves chopping electricity or natural gas. Send all creditors small Christmas presents in lieu of cash. Surely they will understand. Christmas shopping can be simplified by purchasing by the case at your friendly, local liquor outlet. If there is an odd bottle or two left over stuff your own stocking. Tonight: Drinking to excess has always been an option

SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)
Attempts to expand your knowledge are almost certain to be successful considering the jumping off point. Your restless ruler, Mercury, is still moving in reverse and headed for that Ford pickup across the parking lot. Although there is no insurance in life, you’d better get some quick. Opening doors for strangers only encourages them to come in. Venus will enter your sign for a three-week stay – Better stock up on toilette paper. If you spend all your money on trivial things you won’t have to worry about that stack of bills screaming for attention. Turn down the volume and enjoy what you certainly cannot understand. Many doors will open for you this month, letting in little more than an annoying draft. Whittle. Tonight: Swoon.

Deceased Motorists Chalk Up Big Wins

(Delta — Sawmill Mesa Courier — December 12, 2015)

Downwind from Grand Mesa and across the Gunnison Spillway departed motorists are celebrating tonight. After a landslide victory at the polls they will not only be able to retain a driver’s license in the beyond but will be allowed to operate private transportation (automobiles) during daylight hours in secure areas here on earth.

Secure areas include Delta County and most of the West End in Montrose County.

Amendment Number 611 assures that deceased drivers have access to the highways when others are not using them and will not be required to carry car insurance. Even the ruthless insurance cartels have not figured out how to extract monthly payments from the pork barrel of the hereafter.

In addition to these newly secured rights our departed fellows are not obliged to honor traffic lights, stop signs, speed limits, crosswalks or other obsessive, and often confusing limitations imposed by gov’ment.

Many of these “already landed” motorists can be identified by the easily discernable VL on their Colorado license plates and the glazed look plastered across their mugs as they drift across that big yellow line in the sky.

Next time: “Skinny Roads and Fat Drivers”

“Bad Haircuts”

(Muttontown Follicles   Gunnison, CO   December 5, 2015)    

Continued from page 489

so that there was little left on top and a healthy harvest of grey strands on the side. For the finishing touches Wally shaved a six-inch semi-circle around the left ear and applied bootblack to the right temple. When he swung his victim around for a look into the cloudy mirror, he sat back in anticipation.

“Kill him,” said Black Bart to the members of his gang who had now succumbed to laughter. “It’ll take two months for my scalp to recover and maybe a year or two before I can rob banks again. No barber, even one who says he’s from St. Louis, is worth this!”

Wally was quick to react.

“I’m awful sorry Bart, about your hair and all. I’d be happy to start from scratch and throw in a case of this hair tonic, which, if you ain’t too picky, tastes all right besides.”

Bart took a sip, snarled and motioned toward his men to do their duty. When they got Wally outside he talked them into a simple tar and feathering instead of the termination. The entire town, especially the ones who had gone under Wally’s scissors, turned out for the event. It was the first excuse for the ladies to don their finery and the men to wear their church-going suspenders since Old Man Rathboone was lynched back in ’88.

When Wally finally came to, he was stuck to a barrel cactus some 10 miles from Rodentville. He was covered with tar, scattered with feathers and someone had shaved his head.

“I wonder who did the barbering,” thought Wally. “I could use an assistant.
Wandering off toward bright lights and barber poles Wally, engaged in some much belated soul searching.

“I think I actually enjoy giving bad haircuts,” he mused. “How sick. No wonder I’m always getting beat up or driven out of town. Maybe I should look for another line of work,” he thought, staring down at his traveling barber kit.

“I’ve been trampled in Topeka, worked over the Wabash and had both legs broken in Marietta,” he shrugged. “but I’ve seen a lot of country and met a lot of great people in my travels. Some of them even let me cut their hair!”

Wally’s barber kit was comprised of six scissors, an assortment of combs, two mirrors, a straight razor and a dozen bottles of hair tonic. It had miraculously survived his most recent ordeal.

“I can’t quit now,” he said to himself. “I have too much invested.”
After five lonely, thirsty days on the road Wally arrived in Muttontown, on the banks of the Dirty River. He walked into the Broken Dreams Saloon and ordered a beer.

“Howdy, stranger,” said a saloon hall girl from the corner. “What brings you to Muttontown?”

“I’m a traveling barber,” said Wally. “I’m in search of work.

“Really?” asked the girl sincerely. “That’s right amazing, since our last barber was killed in a gunfight last night.”

“Is that a fact?” gestured Wally.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 889

Moooooooooooo…

Feeding time in Hooterville

Out for a drive on the Western Slope this weekend? Did you ever wonder why all those hicks keep so many cows around their houses? There’s a method to the madness as our diagrams and data will show.

1. Mr Rancher gets up before the sun every morning to fed his dairy cows. He feeds them pails of water and hay. They don’t drink coffee and eat doughnuts like you. The cows enjoy their breakfast inside the barn in stalls about the size of your condo’s bedroom. Cows like picnics, NASCAR and just about any outdoor event that breaks up the monotony.

Ain’t this a blast!

2. Later that morning the cows return the favor. Fueled by the crunchy sustenance the cows give back an assortment of products like milk, cream, eggs, lettuce and onions. That is why Mr. Rancher lets them loiter around on his land near his house all day.

3. Then Mr Rancher loads his homegrown hay for tomorrow or he goes to the feed store for vaccine and dehorner and the entire procedure begins again.

November 29, 2015