All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Meteor Showers To Interrupt TV Reception
(Ouray) Swarms of flying sparks, perhaps fragments of the annual Lyrid or Eta Aquarid meteor showers, are blamed for the termination of TV reception here. According to astronomers the shooting stars recorded a direct hit on main satellite installations rendering television signals impotent and leaving screens blank and lifeless.
Residents have been asked to sit tight and read a book or talk to family members until the problem is corrected. Experts from as far away as Lookout Mountain expressed concern that this was not an isolated atmospheric intrusion.
“Although the attack was severe we expect to have the system up and running again by February of 2020,” said Raymond Markey, a gifted technician operating in the county.
Gluttony Replacing Travel in US
(Grand Junction) Eating to excess is slowly replacing the desire to travel according to statistics compiled by the US Department of Health and Aimless Wandering. In January more than 52% of those tested gained weight while only 23% had the huevos to get on an airplane.
“It’s just that it’s easier to buy a package of Twinkies or eat at fast food emporium than it is to go anywhere,” said Melvin Toolski of the federal agency. “Comfort levels are easier to access at the dinner table than immigration counters or baggage claims.”
Toolski added that most people become disoriented when faced with packing for even a short trip while what he called Tar Baby Security at the nation’s airports has made air travel a painful experience, especially for the round.
“And this is not some cheap joke about airline food either,” quipped Toolski.
POLKA, OLIVE OIL LIFE ENHANCING
(Gunnison) People who regularly dance the polka and consume olive oil will live longer says a study conducted at Western State University here. The almost alarming results come as no surprise and the future painfully clear: We need more polka bands and need to plant and cultivate healthy high-altitude olive trees along the waterways and on the shores of Blue Mesa.
Researchers agree that long life expectancy in polka-friendly segments of Eastern Europe confirms their findings. They add that people in the Mediterranean region, whose diet is all but synonymous with olive consumption often live beyond the age of 100. Low stress was also factored in to the formula.
Reader Survey Results
(Continued from page 5)
and some 45% of them suggested we move the entire operation over to Utah.
On the subject of electoral projections a majority of respondents said that rather than scan the small print they’d just as soon wait until the movie came out.
Of the 145,000 responses 9500 were written on the back of butcher’s paper and 15,000 were scribbled over discarded grocery lists which leads our editorial board to surmise that our readers are eating well. When asked what paper they preferred to procure in normal a fish and chips exchange the Horseshoe Was a distant third to the Grit and the Sunday Denver Post.
A striking response has emerged from the pet category wherein over 90% of our respondents say they have a new puppy in the house. A paltry 8% had exotic birds and 6 were house painters who didn’t like animals. A conclusive number of those surveyed insisted that their IQs were far above average and that family trees stretched all the way back to the Mayflower (the moving company no doubt).
In the social circle a surprising 78% said they favored more photos of hangings and fewer pictures depicting senior citizen nudity than before.
Source: Big Wampum Flea Markets dba Testosterone Brothers Independent Consultants
POLICE REPORT
All statistics point to one striking phenomenon: Crime is on the rise. OK maybe murders in New York and New Orleans are down but there’s still a lot of petty thieves, cheap crooks and sticky-fingered thugs roaming about. The good news is that there are always cop jobs in the paper and fodder for journalists writing silly columns like this one.
A swarm of trash birds attacked several harmless ice climbers just south of Ouray. Police responded and shoed the ravens and their entourage toward Silverton. Nobody was injured but one woman, Emily DesPlants, of Boulder, complained of white stains on her parka. Later the same day police confiscated planet-friendly weapons of mass destruction stockpiled in Box Canyon by militants dedicated to ridding the area of the pests.
Montrose police arrested Zorro DesPlants on charges of menacing and destruction of private property. Apparently the former orchid tender has developed an elaborate plot to cover world trouble spots with Astroturf. At the time of the arrest he was attempting to cover the 3000 acre Edith Bunker National Forest. He may be charged with mail fraud, attempted blackmail and extortion just for fun.
A Ouray woman DeLuna McQueen was seen attempting to break into a local spa while unclothed. When police approached the suspect she began screaming at them. Police departed the scene only to return hours later to find Ms McQueen quite composed, quietly reading and this time fully dressed. A warning was issued after complaints by local mule deer who were distracted from nightly rounds by the intrusion. Eye witnesses were given a pat on the head and instructed to go back to sleep.
Amelia DesPlants, of Sapinero was arrested Friday on charges stemming from bogus dog obituaries run in a Crested Butte paper. Despite her tearful confession police opted to leave her in her windy trailer until spring. DesPlants is a suspect in acts of vandalism against USA Decay newspaper stands from Cimarron to the gates of Parlin. Moments after police exited Sapinero they picked up the half-brother of their first suspect, charging him with attempts to recapture his youth. According to the arresting officer Warlo DesPlants had dug a large tiger pit across Highway 50 and was hiding in the bushes with a nylon net over his shoulder. He is expected to plead insanity.
Telluride marshals have incarcerated Ruthie Roosterson, formerly Ruthie DesPlants in connection with the theft of a 200,000 square foot trophy home from the Mountain Village. Roosterson, a local cadre chef, insisted she was at the beauty parlor in Cortez at the time of the heist. A quart-appointed attorney told reporters at the jail that his client would claim political prisoner status and that she may have diplomatic immunity due to the presence of Leap Year.
“Being oneself is definitely an acquired taste.”
– Mercury Hempleman
INVENTOR OF PANTY-HOSE FOUND STRANGLED
(Olathe) The woman credited with developing and marketing panty-hose was found near-dead in her sea-view apartment here this morning. A victim of her own devices, 98-year-old Ruthie Roosterson was cheated and released at St. Roscoe’s Daily Hospital at Montrose. She expired a few hours later.
Police have one suspect in custody, a Pea Green chemist and former French restaurateur, Maude de Flippante, who once claimed to have invented panty-hose almost three years prior to Roosterson. Flippante, then a resident of the Limousin Region of France (and vocal proponent of sensual legware), was promptly arrested and condemned to death for crimes against good taste and the comforts of humanity. He escaped during a change of governments in 1964 and came to the United States as a stowaway in a crate of Martel cognac.
Roosterson’s eager heirs were notified as to their dire misfortune last night when authorities informed them that there would be no inheritance since Roosterson squandered her vast fortune on low stakes slot machines at Tawaoc. They remain in seclusion, devastated by the news.
The sole suspect plans to plead innocent of all charges despite incriminating DNA samples found on the scene. A trial/barbecue is planned for late June at Pea Green Hall.
– Susie Compost
Second Homeless Jam Resorts
Crested Butte — Displaced Digest — May, 2017
They’re everywhere you look, hanging around the real estate offices, staring into shop windows, trying on ski boots, lingering over an overpriced slope lunch. That gaunt, disheveled gape, the eye avoidance maneuvers, the hapless slouched trot, when approached by their betters.
These are the Second Homeless, a growing population of Americans too proud to take assistance but too poor to buy a vacation home.
This is a problem that won’t just go away said a resort sociologist from Boulder who coined the phrase, Second Homeless, and hopes to make a killing on a soon-to-be-released book on the subject.
“The American Dream just got a wake-up call and there’s no free breakfast!” as Gloria De Quirke says in her first paragraph, “Soon there will be no discounted lunch either.”
Having only a small window to capitalize on their status these wanderers are highly visible from Killington to Squaw Valley. They are doddering from Michigan’s Upper Peninsula to the Florida Keys and to the Petrified Forest.
They eat well, send their offspring to public universities, buy a new car every four years and afford to buy organic at the local supermarket. Yet something is very wrong. The Arrival has escaped them. The final truth of purchase has eluded their desperate grasp. They have no second home in the mountains or at the beach.
Yet with the emergence of short-term vacation rentals there are few houses to rent for people who live in these regions. This phenomenon affects everyone from the woman who cuts your string beans to the man who delivers lard.
In a related piece Second Homeless persons have reportedly invaded the sets of several reality programs such as Dancing With Cigars, The Imbiber and The Missed Miss Universe Pageant (held in Medellin).
– Alonzo Pinke
“I drive around to make money so I can afford to keep driving around. “
– Melvin O’Toole from Breath of a Salesman, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.
Answers to Spring IQ Test
1. If you said “the wrong way around” was the only safe route to Point B, give yourself one point. If you said “Point B was not really worth the trip”, give yourself two points.
2. The correct answer was “a dog and two birds”. Other acceptable responses include: 1. Mount Whitney 2. rice curds all around 3. The Hangman of Babylon 4. [42] x pr@yx-[24] 5. May 4, 1691 6. sort of greenish or anything written in French. Give yourself 1 point.
3. Only if the electrician’s assistant leaves the building by the third floor west parking loft, north window and if he/she avoids every third step down the false fire escape on the way to the bottom can he expect to survive through the weekend. Worth 3 points.
4. The answer to this one is “the train arrives at 4:31 am. (Participants must show work on this one…although it doesn’t matter to whom one shows said labor.) Worth 2 points on Tuesdays.
5. Either the Crimean War or the Rose Bowl Parade. 1 point.
6. The correct response was 12 but if you submitted any number between 8 and 57 you are all right. (2 points). In fact, any number below 150 gains one point. OK with 150. We might accept any number except 666, which is the work of the devil, and 33, which is the work of an idiot. Bonus point for the trouble.
7. The problem with our society is ignorance and apathy. The proper response is “I don’t know”. If the tested added “and I don’t care” give yourself 4 points.
8. Follow your heart down the drain. 2 points.
9. The red star is under the third cup and the monkey has his hand on your wallet. Close one eye and share the bananas. 2 points. Note: Red stars may appear as black chickens or staple guns in Canada.
10. Trick question: Was Calvin Coolidge ever caught dressing up like a giraffe? One point.
SCORING: If you scored below zero you are a moron but one that can achieve success in mass merchandising. If you scored 1 – 3, you are of average intelligence, which can be quite frightening in the warm-blooded sector. If you scored 4 – 7, you are above average, which guarantees nothing. After all the average American can name all of the contestants on American Idol but cannot spell the name of the current president of Iran, Iraq, India, Pakistan or Yemen. If you scored higher than 10 you are a cheater and should seriously consider running for public office.
