All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Bad rosin bags blamed for losses
(Denver) Decomposed, often spoiled rosin bags handled by the Colorado Rockies’ relief staff are being blamed for a string of blown saves at Coors Field.
The bags, filled with powdered resin from pine trees, are designed to enhance a pitcher’s performance while on the mound. However, according to baseball experts “the employment of rancid or bad rosin can have adverse effects causing inconsistencies, lack of concentration and general wildness on the part of otherwise stable hurlers.”
The problem, says the front office “is particularly acute in the later innings when relief pitchers are most active especially when afternoon heat or evening shadows come into play.”
Officials within the Rockies’ organization have been searching for some explanation as to poor pitching performances of late that have left the club reeling. Plans to secure new rosin bags are in the works but with plummeting attendance figures and a demanding payroll it will be weeks before they can be secured.
Selling advertising space on the bases and charging extra for mustard at the hot dog stand has been discouraged by the league and can’t relied upon to provide new revenues.
Asked why the presence of bad rosin bags has not resulted in a breakdown in opposing bullpens, a Rockies’ spokesman said he was looking into that.
“Maybe they bring their own,” he said, “or loading up the ball with chew or some other controlled substance when the umpire isn’t looking.”
– Tony Perez
Indians Gearing Up For Final Thrust
(Wounded Knee — Taholah (Washington) Times — July 17, 2017)
Thousands of Native Americans, donned in war paint, are massing for one final assault into the heartland of White America. Warriors from the Lakota, Ute, Comanche, Nez Perce and Apache Nations made of the bulk of the force.
Rumors circulating many western state capitals warn that the group may have access to nuclear weapons and that they plan to recover the land that was taken from them beginning in the 1600s.
“We’ve been planning this maneuver since around 1890,’ said a tribal spokesman. “The government figured we’d cease to exist or assimilate along the way. Neither has turned out to be true.”
Sources here on the Quinault Reservation are predicting victories in Washington, Oregon, Idaho and Montana thanks to an engrained knowledge of the terrain. In Wyoming, Colorado Utah and New Mexico, the elevation is the Indian ally as warriors swoop down on the visiting flatland armies with the might of the Great Spirit in their tomahawks, according to a press release.
“We will refrain from the European practice of taking scalps and will not harm anyone who surrenders,” said the source. “Then with control of the high country we can repel and counteroffensive by the forces of Manifest Destiny. They must remember: We might have “the big one” stashed in our wigwam or under a loincloth. One never knows, does one?”
– Pahoo
“The world keeps ending but new people, too dumb to know it keep showing up as if the fun’s just started.” – John Updike
MAGPIES WINNING IN EXTRA INNINGS
(Ouray) Despite the efforts of local law enforcement and summer vigilantes freed from the tedious classroom, magpies reign supreme in this box canyon town.
Since May police have arrested over 200 of the black and white squawkers and some 50 of their ravenous associates. Round-ups continue this afternoon with incarcerations centering around heaping dumpsters and bankrupt backyard gardens.
With the abduction of a spunky septuagenarian from her garden apartment early Monday the crows can now claim another victory in the struggle for the hearts and the minds of this very frightened town.
“Every time I hear that familiar caw I think of poor Mrs. Belfry, sitting out on her porch doing crossword puzzles. Then, without warning she is dragged off to who knows what horrible fate,” said investigating officer Anthony Flyfishe.
“The worst of them hang out in the back-alleys and on the power lines where they can keep an eye on what humans throw out,” said the officer who has subdued more than 100 of the pests single-handedly, using only regulation rubber bullets dipped in tailings water and common sense.
Gangs of youth, armed with sling-shots and pellet guns will continue keeping the infestation at bay through August. Then, when that brave contingent goes back to school the local militias are generally depleted, reinforcements nothing more than a chest-of-medals fantasy. Shells of their humvies and monster trucks still litter Main Street, a testament to the stark futility of it all.
“They run a regular little sewing circle every damn morning under my window,” added Irvine Toole of the Oak Street Tooles. “They caw at each other tirelessly. They curse like little beaked sailors. They arrogantly relieve themselves at will, dance suggestively in the street and even smoke cigars before breakfast.”
Toole added that at least the birds don’t have car alarms.
According to a controversial feature in The Pea Green Peeper, which appeared exactly one year ago today, pedestrians should feel fortunate that the birds can’t aim. In the article, Sewage Treatment and You, the subject of aggravated attacks from the sky and frontal assaults on windshields was undressed by artillery experts within the Colorado Division of Wildlife. These logistical engineers suggest that the city import or clone predators who might eat the crows.
“The only animal who will repeatedly eat crow is human,” said one DOW spokesperson, and employing that tactic would certainly open up a whole new can of worms.”
Residents began to smell a rat when they noticed the gradual disappearance of other birds in town. By now the classic variety of songbirds has been all but diminished. Even smaller garbage birds seemed to be avoiding the downtown areas, especially after dark.
“If one hikes up another 2000 feet the place is loaded with songbirds,” said Sarah Cera of the Butane Society. “Our committees will keep a close eye on this one to insure that crows, magpies and ravens are not the victims of discrimination. Species profiling is an ugly thing,” she flinched, cracking her badly deformed knuckles like dried Texas pecan shells.
Many Ouray residents display tacky, plastic pink flamingos on their property to discourage squatting flocks. Others have constructed patriotic scarecrows out of discarded Fourth of July parade floats. None of these methods works for long as the birds get wise and pooh-pooh the attempts of the land-locked humans, mocking them from nearby box elder trees, flaunting their feathered invincibility
Attempts to harness and redirect power surges when crowds of crows loiter on utility lines have been abandoned in the face of criticism by animal rights advocates from the Confront Range.
Even though the crows provide a source of protein to some residents during the winter months most people here agree that it’s time to run the winged bullies out of town, if it’s not already too late.
“We may as well admit it,” said Toole. “We are defeated. The entire town will soon be in the hands of scavenger birds. Oh, well, it could be worse. It could be the bears in charge and at least the birds have promised not to pave the side streets.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Major Advertisers Look to Mega Trials For Exposure
(New York) Some of the biggest spenders in the national advertising arena are pushing for access to high visibility trials it was disclosed today. Citing the Comey Hearings and the recent Sessions sideshow as lost revenue, the powerful money folk vowed to open new avenues in an attempt to sell their products.
“The television networks are behind us,” said Bunny Ears, Executive Director of Day in Court, an organization made up of Fortune 500 advertisers. “First of all we want the big trials televised, then we want to buy time on the broadcasts. Football just doesn’t produce enough blood to reach the more modern TV consumer.”
Toole assured reporters that the process would start slow with subtle messages displayed throughout the courtroom.
“We could have a beer ad on the judge’s bench and a promotional dispatch featuring laundry detergent on the backs of the juror’s chairs,” explained Ears. “Further marketing pleas could emerge in such wasted spaces as the court reporter’s shirt or on sandwich boards outside the chambers.”
Some officials like the idea saying that advertising revenue would cut the cost of trying an accused felon.
“Take the classic Theodore Kaczynski case and the Terry Nichols hearings. Look at the Carlos the Jackal trial in Paris,” said one prosecuting attorney. “Look at OJ and Cosby. The public has a right to watch the play-by-play in their living rooms.”
Of course there are trials that would be hands off, like a recent British Nanny acquittal.
“There’s very little money in nannies,” said Ears.
– Rocky Flats
AROUND COLORADO
Journalist wed at Coors
(Denver) Melvin O’ Toole and Belle Toole were married last night somewhere left of center at Coors Field. The happy couple were congratulated by friends and the 35,000 Rockies’ fans in attendance.
Immediately following the ceremony Mel announced that he would drop the O preceding his surname if his new bride would drop all pretension about the evening.
“I saw her eyeballing the young pitching staff they have out here,” quipped Toole. “She has a wandering eye and a frightening sinker but its the curve ball that landed this sailor.”
Then, just as the couple had guzzled their third beer, O’ Toole (now Toole) was hit in the forehead with a line drive and required medical attention. After an instant replay camera was consulted it became apparent that Toole had not interfered with play and he was allowed to remain in the stands. Fortunately it was only a flesh wound and he was right back up at the bratwurst stand by the third inning. He plans to go on the DL list after the couple’s first spat, scheduled for October. Good luck to all!
Spatial Profiling Irritates Obese
(Malfunction) The nation’s “large” have filed a suit against the Malfunction Police Department claiming officers there discriminate against people of girth. The complaint details repeated occasions where police have pulled people over just because they are overweight. Attorneys for the corpulent say the practice of spatial profiling is to blame for the mistreatment.
“This is unconstitutional,” said Morgan Ample, of Fruita. “The cops are singling us out because we’re different. By percentage, plump people don’t commit any more crime than the skinny ones do, yet I don’t see the cops harassing them.”
“If I observe a 300-pound driver high centered on the highway I will damn well pull him/her over,” said one cop who asked not to be identified. “It’s a dangerous situation not to mention the wear and tear on the road. I have nothing against obese people of any race, color or creed.”
An official police department spokesman refrained from comment on the matter.
BLM Forfeits Rights To Sagebrush
(Gunnison) A federal judge today ruled that the Bureau of Land Management was no longer custodian of over 340,000 square miles of sagebrush that currently calls Colorado home. The action came after several mistrials and appeals on the part of the gov’ment.
“Sadly enough the BLM was spending more time driving around in its monster pickups than adhering to the needs of the sagebrush population,” said Judge Roy Entwhistle in his final statement. “The entire crop was in bad shape, covered in dust, unable to get ample water in the dry months, left out to freeze in the flatlands during the winter.”
Saying he favored a mandatory banishment for mistreatment of nature, Entwhistle succumbed to public pressure and let the BLM off with a light probation. The orphan sagebrush will be adopted by private ecological groups, funded by the idle rich, and nursed back to health.
In a related case the same federal agency is under fire for its treatment of prairie dogs, skunks, mosquitoes, flies and sage hens. If convicted the entire work force could be disbanded, the species in question moved to foster care in Wyoming and New Mexico.
“I’m glad we have this matter behind us,” said Entwhistle. “It’s far better than having it in front of us.”
Dionysus to speak at Pavilion
(Montrose) Dionysus, the Greek god of wine and fertility will speak at the Montrose Pavilion on July 31. Undressing the subject of public mood of late the famous god is expected to lay out a plan of action along the lines of his creative/intuitive power.
“People aren’t happy like they used to be,” said Dionysus when contacted at his home in Crete by this very newspaper. In the United States the situation is chronic. We think it’s all that creeping Puritanism and the greed.”
Dionysus suggested that people take their heads out of their butts and look at the bigger picture examining the benefits of orgiastic religion, the fertility of nature and continuous wine tasting.
“The Greeks followed my advice and that culture persevered for thousands of years,” said the god. “What has happened in the U.S. is mind boggling.”
Women wins lottery, gives cash to cats
(Norwood) Murial Armbruster used to live on cans of tuna and tins of condensed milk which she shared with all the stray cats in the neighborhood. Now, days after winning 4.3 million in the Colorado Legal Lottery, she’s eating lobster and most of the local cats are rich.
That’s because she gave away all of her winnings to the kitties.
“I set up little trust funds for the cats so that they would never have to go without again,” she sighed. “I could have given it to my relatives but they’re all just a bunch of drunks and would waste the money on alcohol and fast cars.”
Armbruster said it made her feel good that the cats still roam the neighborhood, begging food and a place to sleep, just as if nothing had happened.
“The dumb bastards don’t even know they’re rich, she cackled.
The wealthy winner has moved her double-wide to the sunny side of Grand Avenue and has even purchased a small plot of land (loaded with rodents) on Norwood Hill for her charges.
“OK, so I didn’t get so much as a card of thanks from any of them but in their own way they have shown that they are grateful.”
Excelsior Resumes Flights
(Sapinero) Excelsior Airlines, The Airlines Without Chairs” has resumed a roster of popular domestic flights as of this weekend promising to continue to provide fine upstairs service at bargain basement prices.
Included on the daily flight schedule through Labor Day are: Nucla to Naturita (10 am and 10 pm), Ophir to Gladstone (12:30), Colona to Paradox (3 pm and 5 pm) and Pea Green to Peach Valley (8 am and 8 pm).
The much publicized Sunday morning champagne flight from Bostwick Park to Cimarron was temporarily suspended when it became apparent that the plane had been piloted by two six-year-olds who did not possess proper credentials. According to insiders the two managed to see over the control panel by sitting on copies of the San Juan Horseshoe.
“The kids did a great job,” smiled Answan McDermitt, president of Excelsior. “The real reason we stopped making the trek was that we couldn’t find a source for fresh oysters and horseradish.”
