All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

Endurance Test #611

“I’ve saved almost $6679 on razor blades

since I broke from consumerism in 1990.”    

                                        – Ernie Leftzone, former highway superintendent, turned facial hair enthusiast.

Ernie knows. Let creativesurvivalist.com help you achieve bunker nirvana this week! We tell you what vegetables to grow by candlelight, how to avoid getting ripped off when purchasing toilet paper, where to get free air, when to harvest sea urchins for a little pocket money and who to trust during the stimulating days that lie ahead.

Be like Ernie and pocket a bundle for whiskey and cigars!

Photo by Hugh Manchu

MINING CLAIM JEOPARDIZES TOWN

The Up Yores Mine near Ames stands regally, perched on a cliff above the valley. Claims by the heirs here threaten to put an end to the expansion of the ski empire at Telluride.

(Telluride) A controversial mining claim, filed Thursday at the San Miguel County Quart House, could threaten future expansion in this resort. The claim, which dates back to 1894, states that the holder have complete access to veins of ore running under the town. Primary excavation is expected to begin next month.

“We thought we’d covered all the bases,” winced one town planner, “but we forgot to purchase the local mineral rights.”

Plans are already on the drawing board to move Telluride three miles to the west, along the Highway 145 Spur with the more fashionable upper east side of town relocating to Pandora.

     The more than 200 banking institutions in town are expected to bail until the matter is resolved leaving account holders in limbo, not knowing whether to dig or go bowling. Many have taken to wielding picks and shovels in an attempt to get what’s rightfully theirs in the melee.

     “It’s one hell of an approach to annexation,” said the planner. “I’m all in favor of the multi-use philosophy, but this has already gone too far.”

     Many of the glitzy ski town’s second one owners have been throwing money at this and other chronic problems for decades but now it covers the streets and is threatening to flow or goods and services to the entire county.

– Atila Diggins

WHY CAN’T DOW FEED THE BEAR?

(Ouray) They feed the deer and elk when the snow’s up to their arses so why can’t the Division of Wildlife feed the black bear? Is there some secret that we civilians have not considered or has the possibility not been explored? Are they short of berries too?

Every year bear have to be destroyed when they venture into RV magic poodle lands, alleys and town garbage dumps. Hey, the bruins aren’t looking to start trouble. They don’t want to show up spiffy at your autumn barbecue to socialize. They’d rather slide in after everyone else has gone home to clean up the mess. They don’t want to rub elbows with people. They just want a snack.

Lots of snacks as it works out.

Right now bear need to put on enough weight to stop Oprah Winfrey mid-sentence. They are on deadline to add enough flab to make it through the hibernation time. Well there’s just not enough natural forage out there in the rain-choked forests. In addition, bear are curious and enjoy a trip into town in early morning and the evening.

Grub and a stroll. Now who would fault these fury monsters for that? THE TRANQUILIZER? Couldn’t the tag-happy DOW drop food a safe distance outside town sites and detour the bear before they get into trouble? We’re sure there are countless by-the-book reasons but lettuce proceed…

The other approach is to continue to take target practice on mischievous bears in trees who would probably wander back into the woods sooner or later if people would simply let them be. DOW marksmen shoot the bear with tranquilizer darts that put them to sleep and, at least in theory, do no harm to the animal.

Unfortunately the beasts didn’t read the small print. They soon nod out and fall from their perch like a bag of rocks often breaking their necks. They then have to be destroyed. All in a day’s work?

All we’re asking for here is a few dead cows, a helicopter load of apples and a handful of magic beans.

In closing, be advised that wearing bells and clanging pans to prevent contact with hungry bear in the wilds has been found to be less than effective if one is carrying aromatic foods such as trail mix or peanut butter sandwiches. The concept of puffing up and waving arms to make oneself appear larger than life in the event a confrontation with a bear is also of equal impact. Rule of thumb: If you want to keep your thumbs (and the rest of your hide) avoid fish-based eau de cologne and/or honey flavored shampoo when in bear country, which is most likely your own backyard.

– Rocky Flats

Jack’s Cabin Now Real Estate Office

(Almont) It had to happen. With nearly half the storefronts in nearby Crested Butte hanging a real estate shingle Jack’s Cabin had to follow suit. Years ago the place was a supply depot with a store selling everyday items to real people. Now with the emergence of the resort economy it’s hard to find much more than smiling land primps and kinky sandwiches in the former coal town.

Appearing in a tasteful greenbelt and white shoes Jack was careful to clarify his status in the progression of rustic cabin to modern office building.

“I’m not getting any licenses except a cow tag,” he smiled. “I’m just leasing the place out. What else could I do…sell sneakers to the tourists? I tried selling stoves but the county passed an ordinance against them. I tried T-shirts but everyone already has enough of them. This real estate scam was my last gasp.”

Jack admitted that he was behind in cabin payments and that the bank was looking at a repossession as early as December. This disclosure added confusion to the transfer since he had been living there for about 100 years. Over 40 home equity loans since 1948 appears to be the culprit.

“I thought they’d (the bank) rent out the place,” he quipped, “and be the first lending institution in this part of the valley but they said there were not enough windows or parking.”

Until he finds affordable housing Jack will hold up in a trophy trailer out back of the cabin.

Washington puede cambiar el nombre

(Seattle) Nada en contra de George, pero el estado de Washington está considerando seriamente un cambio de nombre. Preocupados por la asociación negativa con el otro Washington, más contaminado, los líderes del Estado de Evergreen lograron obtener la propuesta en la votación de noviembre.

Entre las ideas para un nuevo nombre se encuentran Columbia, Cascade, Olympia, Chinook, Rainier y Yakima. Un grupo escindido de otro grupo escindido que busca unirse a Canadá, ha propuesto nombrar al estado Juan de Fuca, en honor a un explorador español que reivindicó el actual Washington por España en 1775. Los críticos dicen que ese nombre abriría la puerta a todo tipo de chistes de color.

Situado en el noroeste de los Estados Unidos, lejos de las costas del Potomac, Washington podría llevar a cabo este osado golpe. En el momento de la publicación, parece dudoso que los Estados Unidos, que ya están en sus caderas en medio de enredos extranjeros, envíen tropas para sofocar las interrupciones semánticas.

“Primero pensamos en la secesión total, pero no funcionó tan bien en el sur hace 140 años”, dijo Abraham Grande-Coulee, autoproclamado patriarca del movimiento. “Entonces pensamos en unirnos a Canadá pero son tan británicos, con la Reina y todo, ya sabes. Nuestro contingente irlandés-americano nunca iría por eso. Finalmente se acordó que nos quedaríamos donde estamos. un sentido político y una distancia lingüística de los imperialistas en la costa este “.

Grande-Coulee pasó a expresar su preocupación de que los pueblos de otras naciones puedan confundir el montañoso y boscoso estado de Washington con el plano y estéril Washington DC.

“En los días de un planeta cada vez más pequeño, no necesitamos ese tipo de imagen de relaciones públicas”, dijo.

Las fuentes federales dicen que esperarán y verán un acercamiento al desarrollo a pesar de los temores de que otros estados “en riesgo” puedan unirse a la refriega. Ya Nueva Jersey, Nuevo México y Dakota del Sur han expresado un interés pasajero en un cambio de nombre.

“Podemos entender que la gente de allí quiere su propio nombre y no algo que ya se haya tomado”, dijo el Senador Oral Noise (Unitarian-MA).

“Para algunos parecería que el nombre de Washington fue elegido como una ocurrencia tardía, por así decirlo. Tal vez se decidan por Jefferson. Fue amable”.

– Melvin O’Toole

DISPUTE WITH SWISS COULD COST OURAY

(Red Mountain Pass) The Swiss government today filed suit against the town of Ouray over a series of alleged copyright violations. The action focuses on the continued use of the slogan Switzerland of America and a web address domain that the Europeans insist have been previously registered.

     Attorneys for the town of Ouray have been rather candid in response saying that Ouray should settle out of a quart before the Swiss start pulling out their little red army knives. They suggest that the Colorado town offer Switzerland several smaller peaks, free tickets to Box Canyon and a player to be named later.

     More on this if it develops.