All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Contombe in Montevideo
Mural depicting Contombe music adds color to a downtown neighborhood in Montevideo, Uruguay
Reasonable Briefs…
Vermouth Trees Endangered
(Hell) Due to the extremely high fire danger down here the only remaining cash crop, the vermouth tree, appears headed for extinction. After months of no rain and infestation at the hands of temperance beetles, the trees are on their last leg with little bark left and even less soul. Experts in the field, unable to save the trees, pointed the finger and made excuses while the people of hell continue to watch their paychecks dwindled down to toothpicks.
“If these sonsabitches catch fire we’ve all had it,” said one of hell’s rangers, formerly employed at the Ridgway Reservoir. “When one mixes these dry conditions with the extreme heat spontaneous combustion may be only a moment away.
Local officials blame the situation as much on last year’s chronic stretch of dry martinis when little of no vermouth was consumed allowing the vermouth trees to produce more olives. The same exact things happened in Iraq in early May effectively shutting down the wineries there and sending Sunni vineyard workers into a tailspin. Does one stay the course with gin or switch policies and embrace vodka?
People here think she’s a no-brainer.
Meanwhile sagebrush poachers continue to strip the Hadesian countryside clean of the fragrant bush which, when combined with vermouth and a little pinch of guilt, is sold upstairs in heaven as an aphrodisiac.
Vatican Warns of Blogging
(Rome) The Vatican today warned its faithful to stay away from the growing practice of blogging. Saying that the habit is immoral and distasteful a leading cardinal threatened excommunication to persons who continue to blog. The Blogging is known to cause blindness and madness according to many in the morality industry.
Gunnison Releases Political Prisoners
JAILED FOR NOT SHOVELING SIDEWALKS
(Alcatraz-on-Tomichi) Hundreds of happy, but exhausted, inmates were released from the Gunnison Country Jail this morning after being incarcerated for weeks without trial. Their crime? Failure to shovel sidewalks in the allotted time.
The powerful city council, originators of the ordinance, finally rescinded its previous decision and allowed the felons to go home for the weekend. They will be back in quart on Monday for final sentencing.
“That gives us time to coordinate release efforts down the road and secure the support of rogue council members,” said an attorney from the Civil Liabilities Union. “The council realizes it abused its power and now members just want to save face.”
What’s really stupid is that merchants along this corridor are swift in their assault on snow-covered sidewalks. Threats by the gov’ment appear to have been totally unnecessary. Conditions inside the calaboose are said to have been quite brutal in that cable TV was turned off and each morning the arresting officers ate all the doughnuts.
“There’s nothing in the Constitution that says I have to shovel snow at a prescribed time,” said Melvin Toole-Hood, a leader of the resistance and militant collector of rare buttons. “Just because we let the council have its own television show they think they can set policy.”
Attorneys for the accused say the matter will likely be thrown out of quart since the habeas corpus has melted.
“It’s just like all them Tarheels running out and buying snow shovels after a northeasterner spilled a little powder down there,” flapped Toole. “Don’t they know it will melt? My advice is to trade in that shovel for a jug of corn squeezins and sit by the pot belly till things return to normal.”
– Dolores Alegria
For more on this turn to The Whether Channel
HIGHWAY PATROL LANDS WEATHER CHANNEL
(Montrose) Starting November 20 the local Colorado Highway Patrol will have access to the Weather Channel. As a result it is hoped that road reports will become more current. In the past if one called the police agency for an updated road report he was forced to accept one from yesterday, or the day before.
“Hey, if you don’t believe me, try it for yourself,” said Melvin Toole a former city pencilman, who slid off Red Mountain in the ice and snow last week after a Highway Patrol report of balmy temperatures and dry conditions all the way to Aztec.
While no one wants to be maliciously critical of an agency that does most things right, the road reports have been a thorn in the side of those of us who must travel these arteries for a living. When someone has to drive to Salida on Friday they really don’t care that the road was dry on Thursday night.
“With any luck at all the dispatcher or other responsible party will have the Weather Channel on at all times allowing a concise and up-to-the-minute appraisal of mother nature at all times of the day and night,” said Toole. “We hope that soap operas and old movies, offered on the local cable system, will be off-limits.”
Prior to this development callers were most likely to hear a recording warning people not to drink and drive and to wear their seat belts.
“The agency has responded appropriately,” stressed Toole who added that DUI arrests would continue to be chronicled on the financial page of your daily newspaper.
– Rocky Flats
BLACK CANYON PAINTING GETS THUMBS DOWN
(Bostwick Park) A Department of Interior plan for the painting of the Black Canyon has been abandoned as of this morning. The overhaul had called for extensive scraping and painting over the winter.
“They weren’t even gonna prime the thing,” said one local painter, “and the colors didn’t match up.”
Rumors indicate that the USFS intended to paint the canyon in greenie green, a shade preferred by feds everywhere. Already the fall budget called for $1.2 million to be spent on paint and another $100,000 on drop cloths.
“We had already lined up ladders, brushes and rollers,” said one proponent of the ordeal. “Sure, the project came in at cost plus but what do we care, it’s not our money. Waste would have been minimal or at least tough to detect since paint spilled into the river would have been in Delta by noon the next day.”
Budgetary considerations had been established so as to assure the continued annual flow of tax money in years to come.
“If we could have pulled this one off we could have secured funding to rewire Grand Mesa next summer and plumb the San Juans in 2001. Not since campground trash pickup coordinates were established in the Fifties have I seen a program with such potential. Sure, we’d have to relocate some of the more disruptive wildlife and change the curtains but that falls under the jurisdiction of land management. I don’t know why the public can’t mind it’s own business. Even the blueprints were the right color.”
– Jack Spratt
Snow in Vietnam
Does it sometimes snow in Sapa?
