All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Feds Admit To Misplacing Rhode Island
(Providence) Today federal officials shocked the nation by admitting that they had lost Rhode Island for a few anxious hours in early April during the Corona virus lockdown. Sensitive to accusations about blatant incompetence and the absence of real security at the highest levels, a spokesperson for the feds read from a prepared statement:
“It is true that Rhode Island was in limbo on the morning of April 8. We could not find her anywhere. Then, almost as easy as we lost her, we found her again, hanging out with Massachusetts and Connecticut at the beach at Cape Cod.”
Relieved, the gov’ment workers quickly hauled the state back to its original position among the 13 colonies.
“At all times we were certain that Rhode Island would be located. In reality we did not lose Rhode Island. We just couldn’t find her. This was not a breach of security. We are functioning at the highest level. We are in charge. This is not a matter of easily access atomic secrets or even the botched forest fires of arrogance,” continued the release.
Insiders hope that the temporary absence of Rhode Island from the federal roster did not sprout seditionist sentiments down South where Confederates in the belfry, stung over prohibited display of the Stars and Bars, continue to fight the War Between the Snakes.
In closing, one spokesman for someone’s gov’ment, allegedly located somewhere in a fortified bunker on the Eastern seaboard, defended the loss in that Rhode Island is, “after all” the smallest of the states.
“If there are fifty birds in the hen house it’s easy to see how the smallest could stray especially with the hungry Constitutional fox on the prowl. It was a mere oversight,” said the red-faced lackey.
– Pauline Pettifogger
Canine’s CD Rips Up Charts
(Eldridge, CO)) In a world where just about everyone has released a CD, a local dog named Sparky has achieved overnight success with his maiden flight entitled “Are You Predictable?” The CD has cruised to the top of the pop charts holding onto fourth place in sales in just two weeks.
Receiving critical acclaim right out of the gates, the musical offering features enlightened howling and barking interspersed with selected excursions coupled with growling and whining. In addition to the CD the package offers a DVD of a recent performance and several designer dog biscuits direct from Paris. The music has been equally as popular with people as with dogs.
Worthy of special notation are the background yips in the Elvis hit “Is Your Bone Gone Tonight” and the dish-rattling percussion in the Del Shannon classic “My Little Runaway”.
Other selections include the tail-wagging “Marking My Way Back Home” and the popular single “Scratch My Ears and I’ll Scratch Yours”.
This is the first time in recorded history that a dog has succeeded in releasing a collection of songs into the mainstream. What makes this piece so incredibly priceless is that there are no instruments employed (no thumbs) and all songs were recorded on location.
“There is no place for synthesizers in the mind of the purist,” said one fan.
– Small Mouth Bess
Local Spoon Protests CAFE Standard
(Colona) Red’s Gravy Heaven survived the Persian Golf Canned Meat Crisis in 2009 and The Portuguese Cherry Tomato Scandal in 1998, but now with the newest federal energy act impounding on the door the future is anything but assured.
Today principles at the institutional eatery formally protested the federal CAFE Standard in that it unfairly targets restaurants while ignoring industries that produce greenhouse gas, create massive amounts of garbage and/or market inefficiency.
(Editor’s note: Red doesn’t know it but The CAFE standard mentioned above is merely the acronym for Corporate Average Fuel Economy. It has nothing to do with food. Rather is a measurement for determining fuel efficiency standing in the automotive industry. According to our accounting department at the newspaper, the formula is quite simple: Take the weighted average of efficiency times the total sales by units and arrive at the answer. What a moron.)
The protest cited alleges that since Red’s gravy, is a renewable resource it should not be regulated according to these new standards. Statistics provided by Canned Food Magazine strongly suggest that Red and many others are being railroaded by the Department of Transportation in a dark vendetta against mom and pop resaturants..
“As far as waste goes we received a passing grade each year since 1912,” said Red, whose grandfather started opening cans and burning daily specials just prior to Edwin Bradenberger’s invention of manufactured cellophane. That particular Red even catered the Zabern Affair in the Alsace-Lorraine the following spring.
“It’s hard enough to make a living frying eggs without the feds muscling in,” said Red. “Now they’re trying to tell me that my gravy’s not fuel efficient. Hell, there’s more nutrition in one lump than in fifty tubs of margarine or a bushel of pasta salad that they serve in the Congressional lunchroom, I hope to shout.
Continued on page 55
Empresa de basura servicio de latas hasta la primavera
(Montrose) Una empresa de gestión de residuos desde hace mucho tiempo ha suspendido el servicio aquí hasta la primavera. Citando condiciones más frías que el promedio y el aumento en el robo de identidad de basura, las fuentes de Bella Trash Inc. (anteriormente de Gladstone) dicen que los reclamos de compensación del trabajador y la amenaza de demandas por seguridad han forzado su mano en este asunto.
“Nuestro personal ha llegado tarde o ausente por completo en los días más fríos. ¿Quién podría culparlos? dijo un comunicado de prensa preparado encontrado debajo de una caja de merlot argentino en nuestro encantador pero pretencioso patio de ladrillos esta mañana.
La noticia fue un shock para la Herradura de San Juan, que en una semana genera más desechos orgánicos que Bedrock, Paradox y las Ciudades Gemelas de Nucla y Naturita juntas.
Según las preocupaciones expresadas, los elementos criminales han estado incautando basura y vendiendo datos y direcciones a los abogados a pesar de que dijeron que no lo harían.
La acción no tiene conexión con una fuga controlada de aguas residuales destinada a matar las malas hierbas nocivas antes del verano, según el comunicado.
-Dolores Alegria
Selfish Rwandan Eaten by Crockodile
A man in Rwanda who breached the ongoing lockdown to reportedly go fishing has been killed and eaten by a crocodile, the mayor of the southern Kamonyi district has told the BBC.
Alice Kayitesi said the Wednesday morning incident happened in the Nyabarongo river.
“He had broken the stay-home rule, he’s among very few people here who are not co-operating with the lockdown to stop the [corona]virus,” Ms Kayitesi said.
The authorities in Rwanda imposed a total lockdown on Sunday as cases of Covid-19 continued to rise.
The East African nation has confirmed 140 cases so far, the highest in the region.
The shutdown of economic activities in the country has severely affected majority of people who are low-income earners.
-BBC
