All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

THE GREAT AWAKENING

After a less than glorious hunting season we thought it would be appropriate to take a daring left turn in traffic and consult with our good friend, Uncle Pahgre, who, among other accomplishments, wrote the Division of Wildlife by-laws and designed the field uniforms for most herd animals participating in the annual hunt. He also claims to have taught Chief Ouray how to hunt elk.

(The following is taken from The Tail Waggin’ the Dog

by Uncle Pahgre, as told to Melvin O’Toole.)

     

If I had a nickel for every leg-pulling, eyeball rolling hunting story I’ve heard in the San Juan over the decades I’d have the cash to buy one of them fancy car phone or at least a plug of decent chew. A list of the most preposterous episodes chronicled over the past twenty years would have to include the one told by my eternal fishing buddies, Delmar and Cedric. We’re not talking liars here. We’re talking the perfect blend of a severely twisted imagination with a retarded memory thrown in to boot. Here is Delmar’s rendition of the time the two found what appeared to be a stiff along the San Miguel River during deer season.

It was a particularly inhospitable November morning. Me and my cousin Cedric were out prowling for buckskin. We wanted to see how the local herd was up to before we dropped a bunch of money on licenses. I was on the far side of the river and Cedric walked the east bank. We scanned the area for about ten minutes when all of a sudden Cedric liked to jump out of his skinny hide.

“Delmar, come quick,” he gasped, as I made my way across the water at a low spot. “We got us a stiff!”

Well, sure as hell when I reached the spot in question there was a full-grown man, in blaze orange, just as frozen as one of those store pizzas. We didn’t know what to do at first so I pulled my trusty jug and took a swallow. Cedrick did too. Then we sat down and had another.

“I wonder what he was doing out here?” started Cedric.

“Whatever it was, it sure didn’t agree with him,” I answered. “One thing’s for sure, though, we had better get this boy to the police before rigormortis sets in.”

As we sat there perplexed the weather began to warm up a touch. I would have to get the pickup that was parked about a quarter mile away down river.

“You stay here and mind the cadaver, Cedrick,” I told my cousin, “and I’ll go get our transportation.”

“I ain’t babysitting no stiff,” said Cedric.

After a little reassurance and a promise to leave the jug Cedric came around.

“Don’t be gone long,” he pleaded.

When I returned there was Cedric talking to the stiff. He was firing away telling his captive audience all about how to track elk through the mountains and how to field dress chipmunks, or something like that. I snuck up on the two of them. Cedric left the ground when I popped out from behind a stand of scrub oak. The stiff didn’t move.

“Don’t be scaring me,” said Cedric. “Ain’t things bad enough?”

After reflecting on that last statement I felt compelled to reflect on my jug. After another swig Cedric said, “What if the cops find us with this guy? Maybe they wouldn’t understand…”

“Now that’s good thinking, Cedric,” I said. “Maybe there’s hope for you after all.”

We carefully loaded our find into the back of my Chevy. He looked quite comfortable and for a moment I thought I saw some color coming back into his face. We decided to bring him to Montrose since these boys in San Miguel County don’t have a morgue. As we started back toward Placerville I noticed my gas gauge was stuck on empty.

“We’d better head up Norwood Hill and grab some petrol,” I said to Cedric, who was now preoccupied staring at our cargo through the rear window of the truck. From time to time, on the way to Norwood, Cedric would offer an update on his condition. I had another swig and played the radio.

After purchasing two dollars of regular we decided to stop at the Lone Cone for a quick shot…what with all that road dust and all. We ran into a few hunters from Oklahoma and shared a few rounds. Then we climbed back into out outfit and headed over Dallas. We were almost down to Ridgway when Cedric pointed to our passenger in the back.

“That boy has rolled over. Look at him. Maybe we’d better flag down the sheriff!”

“He just flopped over on that last turn,” I answered. “Don’t worry, he’s not going anywhere this morning. Let’s stop for a cold beer over at Old Man Prichard’s trailer.”

Finally after another hour at the Little Chef we arrived in downtown Montrose where we pulled up in front of Stockman’s Cafe. Although the weather was noticeably warmer we figured that we still had about an hour to make our delivery. We went in.

“Hey, Delmar,” nudged Cedric. “Ain’t that Joe Waterson from Gunnison? He owes me twenty dollars from last New Year’s Eve. I’m gonna get it.”

Cedric approached Waterson for the debt and I sat at the bar. Cedric returned and said he had settled for a few draws as his mark had claimed temporary poverty.

“I can buy you boys a few beers but that’s gonna be it,” said Waterson.

“We got us a stiff out in the truck,” whispered my cousin as another round of draws arrived. “You want to come out and have a look at him?”

“Not at this time of the day,” teased Waterson. “Have another beer.”

We sat and talked for about another hour. Soon this stranger staggered up to the bar and ordered a cup of coffee.

“Had a rough night?” I asked him.

“I’ll say,” he mumbled, downing his coffee and ordering more.

“You do look a little beat up this afternoon,” offered Cedric. “You want to sit down?”

He did so and after lunch I remembered our cargo in still the back of the pickup. I looked out at the sky. The temperature was already dropping.

“He’ll keep,” I assured myself and paid the bill.

“Yeah, that was some night,” continued our new friend who said his name was Jim and that he lived in Dalhart. “I haven’t been in that kind of shape since my first wife got married,” he laughed. “I think what I need now is a cold beer.

“Hell, I don’t even know how I got here. One minute I was walking along the river looking for my hunting camp and the next thing you know I wake up in the back of some strange pickup here in town.”

“You want to see what we got in the back of our pickup,” asked Cedric proudly, oblivious to the developments going on under his nose.

“Oh, no thanks, son. I think I’ve seen enough for one day,” said Jim.

“It’s a goddamn stiff!” said Cedric, a little put off that the stranger wouldn’t at least take a peek.

“Aw shut up, Cedric,” I shouted. “Jim ain’t no coroner or nothing. Besides, I think it’s time to get on with our delivery.”

Cedric and I made our way out the door. When he looked into the bed of the pickup he jumped again.

“Delmar!” he screamed, “our stiff is gone!”

“No kidding, Cedric,” I spat. “Our stiff is that guy Jim, from Dalhart. Now let’s clear outta here pronto.”

Cedric turned white as a ghost. As we headed back toward home my cousin noticed a red hunting cap lying harmlessly in the back.

“And that’s Jim’s hat too, huh?” he asked.

I told Cedric that the hat most likely belonged to Jim but that he could get another when he got back to Texas.

“Yeah, I guess we’ve already done enough for him, ain’t we?” said Cedric

– Kevin Haley

         

AUTUMN HOROSCOPE

“Just relax. Drink until you see your Aunt Marie or Grandad Joseph.”

– Cristal Callalou on El Dia de Los Muertos – Carriacou, Grenada

 

LIBRA (September 23 – October 23)

Although you generally say the right thing it is often to the wrong person. Invisible is sometimes better than invincible especially when dealing with the authorities. Business dealings will be successful if you stick to negotiations with people more naive than you. This will indeed limit the scope of activity but could put money in your pocket. Avoid delegating responsibilities since no one is listening to you anyway.

SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)

Build a better mousetrap and someone cleverer than you will jack up the price of cheese. Question reality. Listeners you wish to captivate will sit up and take notice just so long as you limit contact to the telephone. Personal appearances will backfire as people find you less than attractive through the 15th. Open a charge account at the county landfill. Oh, if only golden retrievers could vote…

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)

Avoid conversations with yourself regarding subject matter that is above your head. Friends may question your choice of breath mints in the late afternoon. Comprehension of cereal box literature is directly related to the individual appetite. Is your head half full or half empty? Remember: Severe skin disease isn’t for everyone. Face it: That bullet wound in the front of your head may require medical attention before the weekend. Spend quality time with a bottle of Russian vodka.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Don’t let fortuitous developments slip through your fingers. Wear mittens. Avoid aggressive exhibition of self-control when dealing with underlings. Although you dress much like an adult the jury is still out when it comes to applied maturity on all fronts. The days are getting shorter and so is your attention span. Your planets are lined up at the soup kitchen. Visit a relative in jail this weekend.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)

Your position as breadwinner has become quite stale. Try tortillas. Sly manipulation is better than direct confrontation when it comes to houseplants. Blaze orange clashes with blood-shot eyes. A willingness to compromise wins friends and allies. A willingness to purchase rounds of drinks keeps them in tow. If you are going to be a deadbeat be the best darn deadbeat you can be. Pay all debts promptly or leave town a little more promptly. A day trip to the local zoo could help determine evasive family roots.

PISCES (February 20 -March 20)

Spend time at the bottom of the tank in the afternoon. Fish smells like fish. Cattle smell like cattle. Avoid the surf and turf. Mrs. Paul has her one good eye on you. Keep your fins to yourself. Today is trash day and it is a good idea for you to keep on the move. Your bubbly attitude, good hygiene and fresh approach to menial tasks will cause fellow workers to vomit. If you cannot develop a bad attitude on your own seek professional help. Those personal hygiene problems will disappear at the car wash.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Today is a great time to get the cat a tattoo. Your culinary talents will emerge tonight with the arrival of a functional can opener to hunting camp. There is more to life than beans but not much more. Take only advice that is not nailed down. Do not rely on social workers that live in cardboard boxes. Hunting camp will be a gas about an hour after dinner is served. Stay upwind from yourself. When searching for personal faults try an objective topo map. Wash your hands before and after exercising good judgment.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Your conscience is in storage and the key is misplaced in your Third House. Sour grapes are in season. You may indeed possess a dull mind but then again you are good at keeping secrets. Deal with domestic disagreements at the other end of the bar. A man with an extremely large nose wants to buy you a continental breakfast. A casual compliment could turn ugly by lunch. You may find personal growth an evasive issue. Try dwelling on negative attributes while waiting for the traffic light to change. October is a bad month to jump out of airplanes, especially if they are still on the ground.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Suspenders can be handy in keeping your pants up but a good belt of scotch is easier to manipulate in a tight situation. Charm school can be expensive but don’t hold out for a scholarship. Perceived wisdom has shorted out what is left of your tiny brain. Red is your color and intimidation is your game but keep an industrial size bottle of smelling salts handy in case a lucky sucker punch hits home. No matter what the situation be sure to stay on…stay right on…the turnip cart. Pets may find it difficult to adjust to your new wallpaper through the end of the month.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

You are far too insensitive to take feelings to heart, far too egotistical to take it on the chin and far too closed minded to lend an ear. Get a leg up on life and keep adversaries at an arm’s length. Sticking your neck out will not distract the hangman. The concept of renting your house to transient dog handlers will result in a mess even bigger than life. Take heart, as your bowling handicap is higher than your IQ. It’s October. Do you know where your ozone is tonight? Helplessness is not an end in itself but could be the beginning of someone else’s problem.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Your nasal passages may be closed for the weekend. Try using chains. Do something nice for local livestock. Don’t allow tedious good judgment to interfere with impulsive desires. Complete all hangovers. Patience is the key. Tinker. The best day for romance was about a month or two ago. You may be ticketed for passing a kidney stone on a dangerous curve. Avoid getting up on the wrong side of the bed by not getting up at all. Get everything in writing even if you cannot read. Put the heavy loads of your life on the gentile cycle.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Your innate ability to amuse freshwater fish may be a major asset in the backwaters of rural America but don’t try the same approach when dealing with urban sharks. Don’t confuse seasonal and spicy. Your Halloween costume will be a big hit with pigeons. Self-improvement may be out of the question until summer so enjoy your lot while you can. Quit your job over the phone. It’s the thing to do. Vote the cosmic ticket this fall. Beware of whiskered men in plaid shirts and lavish dinners in Styrofoam containers. Things will only get better when you do.

IF YOU WERE BORN A DEER OR ELK

For heaven’s sake make yourself scarce this month! We don’t want to alarm you, but there are thousands of loonies, armed to the teeth out in your woods looking for meat…and that meat is you! Unless you think you’d look good next to a bowl of potatoes please adhere to this simple advice: Stay high and keep your antlers about you if you want to be around come Thanksgiving.

Alternative relief is just around the corner

Sujeto de tablas tambaleantes desvestidas por el Consejo

(Wimpton) El ayuntamiento local ha votado 33-1 para prohibir la importación de más mesas tambaleantes a la región. La acción se tomó después de que se recibieran cientos de quejas de los consumidores aquí.

“No podemos resolver todos los problemas en el expediente”, dijo un miembro del consejo, “pero por suerte tendremos estabilidad donde tomamos nuestras comidas. No hay nada peor que un bamboleo cuando uno está tratando de beber un vaso lleno martini o consumir salsa de frijoles en los blancos de verano “.

Varios miembros que pagaron no comentaron sobre planes adicionales para mesas tambaleantes que ya están en la región o la presencia de sillas tambaleantes a lo largo de la frontera.

En la actualidad, una ordenanza local requiere el atornillado de todos los muebles de plástico y perros en general antes del Día de las Elecciones.

En los viejos negocios: el tema del olor del tanque séptico se pospuso hasta que los decoradores decidieron sobre un nuevo fondo de pantalla y un estacionamiento para discapacitados ampliado adyacente a las cámaras del consejo.

– Herradura de Cachemira

The Mistake in its wake?

Trump Admits Series of Failures in First Term

In a departure from previous disclosures the president confirms

a few of the dangling annoyances of the past four years.

Got real fat

They still like Obama better

Impeachment was like another bankruptcy only public

Hair and tan aren’t fooling anyone

Couldn’t even legally beat Hillary Clinton