All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

Hummingbird Implants Condemned by AMA

(Ouray) Doctors here released yet another warning with regards to hummingbird implants during a high level conference held here Tuesday. The popular implants have become trendy in the mountains, often embraced by visitors hungry for a fix of alpine experience before heading back to the mass-produced gloom of the real world.

Dire consequences are buzzing and swooping in a frontal attack on the unwary and careless

The implants, often associated with fashion phenomenon like body piercing, RV injections and the wearing of furs, are unhealthy say the physicians.

“Despite the seemingly harmless adoption of a flying accessory in one’s wardrobe, danger lurks inches from the beak ,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, who flunked out of veterinarian school seven times before becoming a leading brain surgeon last year. “Sure, the hummingbirds look cool and the practice may be considered chic by the idle rich, but in the end a dangerous precedent has been set.”

Legislation is pending as to whether hummingbird implants should be regulated by state or federal agencies. Some say the rage leads to hyperactivity and a severely decreased attention span while others insist that the simple procedure is as harmless as toenail painting and/or a six-foot tattoo.

“One thing’s for sure,” spout animal rights advocates, “the birds don’t enjoy it. If we let this process continue it could easily result in the absence of hummingbirds altogether. Remember the popularity of beaver pelt hats? Remember when we had schools of whales around here? Our efforts to save them failed because the public didn’t care. We will not sit by and watch the same things happen to hummingbirds. We will save them even if it means an end to the human race.”

The art of hummingbird implanting arrived in this country with Kurdish missionaries in 1800 but was rejected by Puritans who felt the practice was potentially enjoyable. Later, during the First World War the birds were rationed and fell from grace in high fashion circles. Splinter groups attempted to exhume the ritual by introducing pigeons as ample substitutes in the Fifties only to be trampled by a mad exodus to the suburbs.

“We’d like to send a message to all those people that insist on hanging feeders on their porches too,” said Pennywhistle: “We know who you are and what you’re up to.”

– Susie Compost

Reunion:

Attention! All of those who were banned, barred or 86th from Red’s Gravy Heaven for unsociable or destructive behavior between the years of 1979 and 2019 cordially invited to a reunion. RSVP, LSMFT. No Irish. Manana’s only Vegan Bar and Grill. Come meet the new owners.

Snoring Machine Perfected

(Ouray) A gasoline-powered, alternate current device is ready for the assembly line according to inventor Melvin Toole, of Red Mountain Town. The contraption, created from rusty, discarded mining tin, brass pipe, circular fans and dangling tin foil, sports tiny speakers and a heat detection gadget that sets it off when intruders, human or otherwise, approach.

“It sounds exactly like snoring,” said Toole, “with woofers and tweeters pushing compressed oxygen into the pipe caverns and the fans taking it from there.”

Toole plans to market the product to people who want to keep bears and other predators away whether out in the woods or at home. The machine requires simple installation. It can be mounted on one’s structure or easily staked into the ground adjacent to a tent.

“Right now our main focus is the audio,” said Toole. “It has to sound authentic or the bears or they won’t be detoured in their marauding. It has to sound like another animal is on the premises. My apparatus is easily the best precaution for the dollar. It beats expensive security systems and is more streamlined than armed sentinels.”

Toole told The Horseshoe that the machine would cost approximately $400.

“That,” he said is cheap compared to the destructive capacities of local bruins. “After the fact, when it’s usually too late to prevent damage or violence people are always surprised at what one of these beloved monsters can do to a kitchen or patio.”

     “One resident up here has his entire deck destroyed by a large sow in search of food. Another woke up to find his car completely totaled after an angry bear was denied entry into a freezer and threw a tantrum,” he explained.

“People who are confronted with nosy bear while sleeping in a tent could face even more serious consequences,” he said. “We just want to make the night safer for people.”

 

“I’m a great putter. I just can’t seem to get the ball to go into the little hole.”

-Danny the Druid

Eating Crow Never Tastes Good

(Ouray) A controversial summer project which places a bounty on Ravens, crows and magpies is a hit with idle school children so far this summer but it has animal rights advocates fuming.

“We’re not alluding to force-fed opinions, admissions of wrongdoing, extracted apologies or relinquishing long-held beliefs,” said Earl Beake, a local rice farmer. “The term eating crow does carry with it other implications.

The plan, dubbed Bring Back the Songbirds, seems to be gaining momentum with over 200 crows no longer reported out of commission. Kids are paid $2 per crow and limited to sling-shots, pellet guns and rocks as their arsenal. Adults are restricted from participating in the action.

“The crow thing gives local kids a chance to earn spending money while ridding the town of unwanted pests,” said Beake, who hates the sound of the overbearing bully birds early in the morning. “It gets them out of the house and is far less violent than living in the suburbs.”

Critics here and elsewhere say the practice of downing the loud creatures is cruel and teaches kids the wrong approach to a problem. Supporters of  the program say the crows have bullied other bird species, often driving them out of town. In addition, they add, the crows are ill-bred, perverted pests that strut around cawing and making indecent remarks.

 As a gesture of sincerity Bring Back the Songbirds has invited all opponents of the bounty method to a sit-down diner at the Community Center on May 25 to discuss the matter. Anyone with input in this matter should attend a city council meeting and let their views be known. If you are having problems with a specific crow and/or do not like to attend meetings please contact your local police.

-Fred Zeppelin

Additions to the Fear List (continued)

The updated roster of things to be afraid of compliments of

your federal government and trusted institutions.

611.  Identity theft

612. Terrorists

613. High cholesterol

614. The Devil

615. Serious hot dog consumption

616. Corona19 Virus

617. Monster Hornets

618. Government buildings

619.  Black men driving around in cars at night

620. Erectile dysfunction

621. Illegal aliens

622. Terrorists (domestic)

623. Terrorists with their dogs off the leash

624. Altered fruits and vegetables

265. Second-hand smoke

626. Broken glass

627. Visible panty lines

628.  A Black or Woman Democrat in the White House

629. Shiites

670. Low blood sugar

671. Terrorists posing as elected officials

672. Domestic terrorists in open-carry mode

673 Galactic terrorists

674. High altitude tsunamis

675. New age ideas

676. Terrorists disguised as terriers

677. Habeas corpus

678. Those awful environmentalists

679. Bears

670 Politician that tell you how to pray

671 Preachers that tell you how to vote

672 Unexplained viruses

673 Simple-minded domestic terrorists

674 Packs of wolves in your kitchen

675 Liars in positions of power

676 Media manipulators

Continued on page 41

SNEAKY SQUID SCARES SOAKERS

(Ridgway) The giant black squid that frightened bathers at Orvis Hot Springs in late February has been captured. The squid, probably from the West End, first appeared after the holidays and, although it was not particularly aggressive, was a cause for concern according to Ernest T. Trucha, night manager of Orvis Hot Springs.

“The marine mollusk is generally found in salt water off the coast of Nova Scotia this time of the year,” said Trucha, a former herring angler with a doctorate or two from Cal Amari Community College. “What he was doing here is anyone’s guess. Fortunately our clientele is not put off by minor distractions like this.”

The local sheriff’s department apprehended the squid just yesterday, saying it is not uncommon for sea animals to seek the waters of hot springs to survive climate change and cold summer weather. Readers will recall the Gumbo Conspiracy at the Ouray Hot Springs Pool in 1996 followed by the extended presence of lobster tails at the Wiesbaden resort the following summer.

“In the future we may see pools designed for species other than human,” laughed Trucha. “As it is we’re pushing the limit.”

The spindle-shaped squid will be housed in the bass tank at Ridgway Hardware until it can be released into the Ridgway Reservoir in August.

– Small Mouth Bess