All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

Top Ten Summer Reads

Too stoned to do yard work

by Thorazeen F. Puffinghouse

What is the plural of synopsis?

An elitist grammar pocket primer

Long-in-the-Tooth  “Self-contained at 102″

by Cowboy Earl MacAdoo

Cherry-picking the Bible without migrant labor

Pickin’ Fruit, Eating’ Beans Trilogy

How Denisovans played video games in night skies

Chronicles on the Discovery of Indirect Lighting

The King and I

Shedding Unwanted Weight by Stormy Daniels

Petroleum Menagerie

by Tennessee Walker’s Defense of Fracking Orchestra

Making The Apocalypse work for you 

Persian Crossword Destinies from Mohammad Mosaddeq 

When Yes means No and Maybe means Never

40 Double Talk Dinner Ideas

Vladimir Putin – Bullied at Leningrad High?

by Mary Trump

CAN THE CLOCKS AND CALENDARS FOR JUST A MONTH

“So little time, so little to do.”  – Oscar Levant    

     While perched firmly behind a bottle or two of merry-go-down the other night my friends and I may have actually stumbled onto something meaningful, or at least worth sharing with introspective readers such as yourselves. Here we sat, broken men and women who, having rendered to Caesar what is Caesar’s, must now wait for the riches of the summer season to replenish our mountain coffers.

     “It wouldn’t be so bad if being broke was like it was in the old days around here,” said Mick, a fit but gray scalped brute who used to make the rodeo circuit but now sells tires to survive.

     “I know what you mean,” gulped Ellen as she sipped her Pabst and stared out the fogged window into the late spring strewn streets, still mildly soggy from the morning’s pitiful attempt at rain. “I’m swamped. Between fronting my shop for the summer and covering my rear from the gov’ment I feel like an three-minute egg in a lock-jaw vice.”

     It was at that moment that somebody else chimed in suggesting that what we all needed was a good rest. Not a vacation. Not a night on the town. Not a nap, but a real reprieve from all the crap. More specifically what we needed was a grace month, in which to recoup, lick our wounds, reflect on our blessings and get back into the saddle before full summer comes roaring down the cosmic bike path.

     Now that’s a tall order.

     Imagine an enchanted 30 days falling into our high altitude laps, and at what better time than the windy spring when the world is working on its second cup of coffee in most locales but still has its sleepy head buried deep in the pillow ‘round here.

     All we’re asking is for one glorious month in which to depart the treadmill and do whatever one didn’t get around to during the traditional twelve month square dance. One could just sleep if he felt like it, watch Bogart/Hepburn movies, or fish for 30 days and 30 nights. Can the clocks and calendars and smash that annoying hour glass against the salt mine door! Stay in your pajamas all month.

     Or walk around wearing nothing at all.

     Forget about working four tens or six sevens or any of that time clock propaganda. Forget about calling in sick or making silly lists of chores that just have to get done. Don’t answer the phone. Don’t make the bed. Don’t even feed Rover or Kitty if you don’t feel like it. (With all the time they have on their hands you’d think they could rustle their own grub). Make doing nothing the main focus of the daylight hours then drop back into a semi-comatose state in the early evening drifting into plant-like flaccidness by dark. Why would anyone look forward to some chronologically-imposed pasture perpetration when each year he had a month to get his ducks firmly entrenched in that illusive row.

     There are some of you out there who might feel that this concept is of philosophical danger to the productive operation of the planet but are we doing such a good job or anything as it is? Would the earth have time to recover from our ecological blunders in 30 days? Probably not, but at least the old girl could have time to catch her breath or take a long weekend in Las Vegas or New Orleans. Maybe.

     Getting back to the subject of pets, have you ever seen a dog look at his watch or a cat refer to her daily reminder? Hell no. They don’t even know what day it is and it doesn’t change a thing. They can amuse themselves with the household garbage or a piece of string and have the ability to fall asleep without provocation. These creatures could serve as the primary roll models. Next we have only to look at our very own federal government.

     Can anyone out there tell us when, how many times and why the government has shut down in 1996? Did anyone really notice? Is the thing still shut down? How many naps does the average Congressman take in a workday? How can politicians earning say $300,000 per year end up millionaires in a few short terms?

     What about the Dark Ages? Was anyone watching the clock during that era? How long did these opaque decades linger and does anyone feel their affect today? Would it have mattered if the entire population of Western Europe had engaged in playing hackeysack for that time period?

     Are you aware that some people sit and watch Cubs’ games almost every afternoon from April to October?

     What are we driving at here? Who knows. What does it all matter? It’s shoulder-season and all the smart people are out of town anyway.

     So let’s explore the possibilities outlined herein. A month of leisure. We could all meet at the intersection of Cosmos Lane and Eternity Avenue and throw a big pot luck three times a day and if everyone would bring their dogs, nobody would have to do the dishes! We could just eat dessert if we wanted. The bars would probably do well except that there’d be no bartender on duty.

     All that time. I’d finally get to play enough bingo and memorize all of the zip codes in the Rocky Mountain region. What about a Colorado Elevator Music Festival? Does anyone out there want to get in on the ground floor?

– Melvin O’Toole

Bake sale to preserve our traditions

(Montrose) A gala bake sale to save our traditions is slated for May 28 at Lion’s Park. Attending the gathering will be Martha Stewart and Senor Pepino, the Sage of Carnival. It is not clear whether the Pope will make it in time as he has a flat tire on his throne. A replica of the Montrose Wal-Mart will be set ablaze along with several captured developers from Telluride. The sale runs from 8 am to 4 pm. A slide show follows. Look for us on the web at

www.goatropersneedlovetoo.com

Bear Given Condoms

(Norwood) The Forest Circus has agreed in theory to allow black bears to purchase condoms at a variety of outlets due to overpopulation in the Ursidae ranks of late. Unconfirmed sources verify that the black bear population has increased 20% over the past year and will continue this trend due to the general lack of natural predators, especially in the spring.

     Already groups of righteous, radical animal-rights advocates, many who would not know the difference between an aardvark and an antelope, have agreed to provide birth control information to younger, more impressionable cubs.

      As one might readily imagine, this development has upset almost every political/social/religious group in the country with each naively keying on their own specific collection of bugaboos without the slightest concern for the rights of their adversaries.

     “It is a fool who still thinks we live in a democracy,” said one local ranger. “In 2025 he who shouts the loudest often wins out, while the poor bears can’t utter so much as a compound sentence.”

-Small Mouth Bess

BLACK CANYON PAINTING GETS THUMBS DOWN

(Bostwick Park) A Department of Interior plan for the painting of the Black Canyon has been abandoned as of this morning. The overhaul had called for extensive scraping and painting over the winter.

     “They weren’t even gonna prime the thing,” said one local painter, “and the colors didn’t match up.”

     Rumors indicate that the USFS intended to paint the canyon in greenie green, a shade preferred by feds everywhere. Already the fall budget called for $1.2 million to be spent on paint and another $100,000 on drop cloths.

     “We had already lined up ladders, brushes and rollers,” said one proponent of the ordeal. “Sure, the project came in at cost plus but what do we care, it’s not our money. Waste would have been minimal or at least tough to detect since paint spilled into the river would have been in Delta by noon the next day.”

     Budgetary considerations had been established so as to assure the continued annual flow of tax money in years to come.

     “If we could have pulled this one off we could have secured funding to rewire Grand Mesa next summer and plumb the San Juans in 2001. Not since campground trash pickup coordinates were established in the Fifties have I seen a program with such potential. Sure, we’d have to relocate some of the more disruptive wildlife and change the curtains but that falls under the jurisdiction of land management. I don’t know why the public can’t mind it’s own business. Even the blueprints were the right color.”

– Jack Spratt

Still in the Dark

With Back to Bed Fred, National Wool Census 

In a related development Colorado Senate appears primed to pass Over Easy Act. “We have noticed that uncompromised glee is missing from the American menu and we hope this restart might bring it back.”

Next time: Are gun lovers fetishists ?