All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Smoking Fines Confuse Court
JUDGE DECLARES MISTRIAL
(Montrose) For the man who lit up a marijuana cigarette at Grady’s Gravy Heaven, Saturday night it was good news. To the local factions intent on bringing public puffing to its knees it was a defeat.
At roughly eight o’clock, during the pre-bingo rush at Grady’s, local man Melvin Toole produced an illegal marijuana cigarette from his lapel pocket and fired it up. It took only moments for those nearby to realize it was not a Chesterfield. Some attempted to join in his reefer ritual while others were offended. Either way somebody called the cops.
The smoker then sat patiently puffing away glansing at his watch and making small talk. He then discarded the pot and lit a tobacco cigarette, and sipping his coffee began to read the menu. When police arrived he was arrested not for possession of marijuana but for breaking the city smoking ordinance.
When the big day arrived Toole chose to plead guilty on both counts and asked how he would be fined. The judge replied that there was no fine for possession of a joint while the fine for smoking a cigarette in public was $300. After consultation with the involved parties the judge declared a mistrial based on insufficient evidence and because Toole was his brother-in-law.
The entire courtroom then retired to the judge’s chambers and everyone, except the children of course, enjoyed a nice illegal Cuban cigar.
Now wasn’t that a stupid scenario. It says nothing and was not even well written. With all the real problems that exist in a community one would think the writer could find something more meaningful on which to expound. However, we suppose that, in defense of the article, some curious issues evolved:
1. Why is Grady’s so busy before the Saturday night bingo game? Is the food any good?
2. How can a substance be so illegal and yet so easy to acquire? Isn’t there a war on drugs going on?
3. What fine would you levy on the alleged perpetrator if you were the judge?
4. Was this whole thing some kind of civil disobedience conspiracy or is Toole just a moron? How much did it cost the taxpayer to haul Toole in to court?
5. What would Fidel Castro have thought of the ending, you know, the Cuban cigar part?
6. If parents shouldn’t have any more children than they can take care of, shouldn’t governments take on the same limitations when it comes to making laws? More laws lower crime like more children lower the telephone bill. Let’s call a moratorium on any new laws at least until we finish our cigars.
FOR A PRINTED TRANSCRIPT OF THIS EDITORIAL SEND $2 TO SAN JUAN HORSESHOE, 2100 TEENAGE SMOKING IN THE THIRD WORLD CIRCLE, OURAY, CO 81427
EL HOMBRE DEL KARMA EN LA CIUDAD OTRA VEZ
(Crested Butte) El muy difamado Karma Man volverá a estar dando vueltas por estas montañas durante el verano. A pesar de los intentos de algunos residentes de convencerlo de que circule en un radio más amplio, estará en las caras locales hasta septiembre. Los líderes cívicos y religiosos se han esforzado por determinar la fuente de sus increíbles poderes pero han fallado, lo que lleva a la comunidad científica a proyectar que sus actividades están sincronizadas con el flujo cósmico.
“Estuvo aquí el verano pasado y la gente inmediatamente comenzó a cosechar lo que había sembrado”, dijo un sabio local. “Es un espectáculo realmente hermoso de contemplar, a menos que, por supuesto, seas una de las personas que ha estado tomando largas tiradas contra el banco de la moralidad.
“Este personaje de Karma Man no tiene que hacer mucho”, continuó. “Nosotros mismos lo hacemos todo. Él es solo la vía de entrega, el medio de intercambio en el mercado de valores del destino”.
Aunque nada está grabado en piedra, el horario tentativo del tipo Karma es el siguiente:
Crested Butte: del 10 al 20 de julio; Gunnison: 21 de julio – 9 de agosto; Montrose: 10 al 22 de agosto Ridgway: 23 al 30 de agosto Ouray: 23 al 30 de agosto; Norwood: del 1 al 6 de septiembre; Telluride: del 7 al 21 de septiembre.
Cualquier recluso de los pueblos más pequeños de la región debe presentarse en el burg más cercano como se define anteriormente.
“Bésame el aura, Dora”. – Frank Zappa (1940 – 1993)
Nascar Shelves Critical Race Theory
Nascar drivers will forgo comment on critical race theory until after the dust settles this fall. Top performers agree that theories and postulates are no substitute for high octane gasoline and an able-bodies pit crew. Fans, they fear would only be confused by new data at this time they say.
Starbucks Purchases Ethiopia
(Addis Ababa) The Starbucks Corporation has raised the ante in the ongoing coffee wars with the acqusition of the African country of Ethiopia. The buy, for an undisclosed sum, is expected to give the coffee giant a distinct advantage over competitors around the world since a majority of the company’s beans currently come from that region.
The acquisition of Ethiopia is expected to give Starbucks direct access to at least 30% of the world’s coffee resources without the middle man. Lower cost for commodities should translate into more choices for the consumer at cheaper prices. This is the first time an international corporation has legally purchased an entire country*
What all this means for Ethiopia is anyone’s guess.
“We expect to put everyone to work producing coffee for our customers which in turn should improve the economy here,” said Sarah Bin- Latte of Starbucks.
The actual takeover will come as early as next month and, despite no announcement to relocate corporate offices, the coffee maker is realigning priorities and will establish a strong presence in Northeast Africa.
Crowds massed in Haile Selassie Square shouted slogans and burned coffee beans in protest of what they call an invasion of their homeland and the decimation of their culture by the foreigners.
“With the short exception of the Italian occupation prior to World War II, we have never been on the selling block,” said Anwar Saladin, a professor at Addis Ababa University and leading critic of the buy-out. “We were not colonized by Rome or by Napoleon and we damn sure won’t stand for this takeover by a bunch of sun-deprived yuppie executives from Seattle. It’s one thing for Starbucks to embrace fair trade agreements in the light of day and quite another to swallow up our country in the shadows of late afternoon,” he rasped.
Bin-Latte concedes that the transfer will involve some getting used to but that Starbucks is dedicated to preserving the local culture and political infrastructure.
“We are not Crusaders! We are not the Knights Templar. We don’t want to run the country. We just want to export the coffee,” she said. “We are not colonizers, only businessmen. We fully expect that everyone in Ethiopia will benefit from this full, rich experience. Let’s face it: There aren’t a lot of people eating real well here now and our presence may help relieve these social and economic ills. The investment alone should jack up the economy and we will not allow the quality of our product to be compromised simply because we have been subsequently thrust into the political arena.”
Latte would not comment when asked if Ethiopians would soon man the thousands of Starbucks outlets worldwide.
“I cannot comment on that possibility at this time but I will say we have no agenda for lay-offs in the industrialized sector.”
Ethiopia currently ranks right up there with Colombia, Brazil, Sumatra and Vietnam as growing the tastiest coffee on earth.
Radical elements here have threatened to either destroy Starbuck installations or wait a few years and nationalize the operation. Violence toward Starbuck personnel is not expected.
Aging financier, Daddy Starbucks could not be reached for comment regarding moves by Ethiopian dairy cows to sabotage the deal by refusing to give milk until Starbucks bails out. This morning sugar cane workers have threatened a walk-out so as to show solidarity with Saladin’s group.
In a related development, the much publicized seizure of neighboring Somalia by Bill Gates and friends has been put on the back burner until the actual landlords/owners (if any) can be located. Warlord second and third lien holders have been the bugaboo in that potential agreement. Coastal Somalia, known to be rich in high quality, bonanza soft chips, has been coveted by computer nerds since the early Nineties. They hope to extract the micro elements through a breakthrough laser mining process that can be conducted by satellite.
– Rex Montaleone
*clandestine control of domestic economies by corporate interests has been common in emerging countries, especially in Central America and Southeast Asia, since the dawn of the 19th Century.
Pharmaceutical Companies Seek Drugstore Cowboys
(Gunnison) Three of the nation’s largest pharmaceutical companies were in town over the weekend interviewing drugstore cowboys for prospective positions. Of the over 200 applicants, some from as far away as Creede, 12 were invited back for a second meeting slated for Tuesday.
Slow going this time of the year and the above average wages associated with jobs in this sector were cited as reasons for the high turnout. An unusually high turnover rate among employees working in the research field may also account for the monumental response.
“Most of our applicants were interested in positions riding shotgun on drug transports or intercepting the elderly engaged in buying cheaper prescriptions in Canada or Mexico,” said one employment counselor who says she talked to at least 100 persons Saturday alone. “A few were even curious about bit parts in commercials,” she said, “but what we’re looking for is research associates.”
Research associates, as this reporter soon learned, are nothing more than guinea pigs that are paid to undergo testing of new products not yet approved by the FDA and thus not yet released to the general public. Although the pharmaceutical companies did not attempt to misrepresent their needs they were less than clear as to real opportunities.
“Nobody said nothin’ about drug tests at the barbecue last night,” said one unemployed Almont wrangler who was subsequently rejected for a research position because of the size of his ears. “We all thought these folks was legit and such.”
Another cowpuncher who claims it would take getting kicked in the head before she’d take so much as an aspirin said she felt betrayed.
“I shoulda known that when they told me I had to check my spurs at the door that something was haywire.”
The interviews are conducted annually all over the Rockies but these were the first centered on Gunnison.
– Signelle de Bushe
Voting By Credit Card Nets Benefits
(Washington) Voters preferring to avoid the polls this November can cast their vote by using any major credit card. When they do, they are in line for a variety of perks such as free air miles, discounts on groceries and cash advances in the former of mythical democracy.
Although it does not cost money to vote, at least the part when one journeys behind the little curtain, the electorate can keep tabs by using the plastic. Major political parties can then award each voter based on his selections. Voting a one party ticket can save up to 50% on car rentals and stack up valuable miles on participating airlines. Campaign workers, generally not paid a salary for their labor, will not have to wait for to be appointed to ambassadorships and political spoils positions like before. Now they can gain incentives right away.
“We had a guy manning the phones during the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries a few years back and he had to wait six months before being appointed to a federal judgeship,” said one party boss. “Now the same guy would gain all kinds of benefits instantly. We think this will motivate our affiliates by good ol’ American greed and know-how.”
Originators of the plan say that if a voter is active enough he could see himself ascending to a mayorship or warden of a private prison just by accumulating credit points.
“It’s just like the electoral college manipulating the actual votes of citizens,” said the same source. “Why we go to the charade of counting votes is insane. It’s almost as ridiculous as tabulating the statistics derived from the traveling census circus.”
In addition to this development the Biden camp has announced a Presidential Sweepstakes which will award one lucky voter over a million dollars after the mid-term elections. The voter will not be expected to purchase magazine subscriptions but rather simply prove he voted the right way.
“We’ll just take the prize out of their campaign chest which, according to all indications is still overflowing with cash,” said the spokesman.
Meanwhile in the House a Guess the Pentagon Budget program, which would pay big dividends in the primaries, is reportedly in the works.
Political animals all over the country are quick to admit that these approaches may not quell voter apathy but could make voting more fun.
“We don’t bet on the elections like we do football, at least not now,” said one Senator. “It’s high time we modify the notion that the voting booth is one big confessional of democracy and get on with the crowning of the puppet kings.”
– H.L. Menoken
