All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
DOW Out of Fish
(Denver) The Colorado Division of Wildlife has admitted this morning that the agency is fresh out of fish. The shortage, which includes all varieties of trout, salmon, perch, bass and northern pike, is reportedly the result of a failure to reorder a sufficient supply to last through the winter months.
“There are no rainbow, native, brown or cutthroat,” said a DOW release, “ and the next fish delivery day isn’t until next March.”
Normally around 2500 fish are kept in reserve and, as ponds and steams are stocked, the supply is adjusted and sent to the areas most in need. Fish counters expressed surprise at the news since they say there were plenty of cold-blooded clients as recently as December. Even with the popularity of catch-and-release the impact is overwhelming when one considers the milllions of tourists that fish Rocky Mountain waters through the summer and fall.
“We do have some nice catfish today,” smiled Lacey Ditchwater, a recognized fish head for the agency. “We’ll even filet them for you. Tomorrow at 4 am we are sending a crack fly team over the frontier into Wyoming to poach a breeder or two. While in those badlands we hope to secure enough fish to last for the week.”
Summer is the busiest time for vacationing fish and fishermen and DOW sources say that with the economic times more people are fishing to eat and not just fishing for sport. They add that license violations are way up since June. Fishermen have been complaining of chronic bad luck syndrome since early May, which is said to have prompted the embarrassing DOW admission.
This is the first documented client/ward shortage since 1989, when the same agency had run out of elk. As I turned out, rogue agents had lost many of the animals in a poker game with the Department of Energy. Others, it was said, had been in New Mexico for a long weekend “Comete Tus Astas” competition which negatively affected the statistics.
“I don’t want to cast doubts here. This is nothing,” said Ditchwater. “We all realize that it is far easier to catch a mess of trout than a mess of elk. We’ll have everything back to normal before long,” she promised from her desk in the abandoned town of Chivington in fish-challenged Kiowa County.
– Rocky Flats
Child-Proof Condoms Approved by Feds
Doctors at St Roscoe’s Community Clinic say that a host of federal agencies have given final approval to a new breed of child-proof condoms that are set for release this week. The breakthrough product is expected to revolutionize irresponsible sex and could be a major bone of contention with population peacocks and reproduction power brokers.
The OK came despite the rantings of consumer groups which say the condoms are still often too difficult to negotiate in the dark. One proponent of the commodity praised “the progressive nature of these developments” adding that it was about time we did something to protect our children from potentially dangerous technology.
These safer condoms are expected to be available in drugstores and groceries soon. They will be packaged in discreet brown paper so as to not cause suspicion. Buyers should expect to show appropriate identification upon purchase.
BEER TRUCKS IN FENDER BENDER
Local council declares a bank holiday so locals get to slurp.
(Montrose) Two large semis filled with cold beer collided today in a minor accident at the corner of Main and Townsend here. The trucks spewed some 2300 gallons of the hoppy nectar up and down the street.
“It was a living hell,” said one unnamed bar patron, who had only minutes ago left LeCave for an afternoon walk.
At the high point there was an estimated four foot wall of beer charging down Main Street toward City Hall. Fortunately, a contingent of courageous local citizens was there to turn it back.
“For a while there it looked like we were going to be overrun,” burped another anonymous source.
Officers on the scene, unable to determine fault, called the wreck a draw as city crews began the final mop up.
The mishap was the worst of its kind since 1945, when a turboprop henway, caught in a hail storm, inadvertently dropped some 30 bags of gold dust onto the town. Luckily there were no direct hits and no injuries. The gold was never recovered. Authorities believe it is still somewhere between Hadley’s, the Stockmen’s Cafe and the Chipeta Hotel Bar. Anyone with information about the whereabouts of the loot is asked to call Crime Stoppers after happy hour.
-Pepper Salte
TURN YOUR TV INTO AN ICE RINK THIS WINTER!
Sports Fans! Get yours before the 2025 season and save $$$$. In just a few short days your big screen will be magically transformed into a fully functional replica ice hockey rink.
***RINKY-DINK TV! That’s us! All frozen parameters made lovingly in Canada of solid spruce, backed up by our bonafide NO CORNER-NO QUARTER guarantee. Handsome deciduous trim. Easy to carry case modifies toothless grins, gutsy face-offs and classic high-sticking.
TV screen cover for hockey enthusiasts who like to crash the boards, haunt to the penalty box, plow into goalies, and check other viewers. Made of super duty plastic and puck-free face and shoulder armament. Audio and shaved ice slightly more.
No power plays or hidden costs with this transaction as we are transparent as ice.
Summer Special: Buy now and receive a multiple use Pickle Ball/Home Run Derby overlay for fun over the off-season.
Puck Bunnies and Goal Sucks Ltd. Boreal Forest Acres, Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. Components backordered. Aggregates forthcoming. AKA: Hat Tricks Up Our Sleeves, Toronto and Winnipeg.
WORLD IS FLAT SAYS KANSAS EVANGELIST
(Dodge City) An often respected television evangelist, Reverend Philip “Phil” Pharisee, has shocked his flock by declaring that the world is flat. The announcement came in the middle of a sermon delivered at Church of the Undivided Plain in nearby Spearville. Pharisee remarked that it is refreshing to see ancient articles of his well-watered imagination backed up by physical law for a change. He added that any fool, even a secular humanist, only need look out of his window to know the real truth.
Pharisee, a major proponent of secession in Southwest Kansas, went on to add that the entire concept of Columbus discovering America was nothing but a cheap real estate scam.
“If he really discovered America why won’t he return my phone calls!” shouted Pharisee, working up quite a sweat by now. “If you cynics out there don’t believe me you can read it for yourself as soon as somebody gets his ducks in a row over at UPI!” he warbled.
-Estelle Marmotbreath
Top Ten Summer Reads
Too stoned to do yard work
by Thorazeen F. Puffinghouse
What is the plural of synopsis?
An elitist grammar pocket primer
Long-in-the-Tooth “Self-contained at 102″
by Cowboy Earl MacAdoo
Cherry-picking the Bible without migrant labor
Pickin’ Fruit, Eating’ Beans Trilogy
How Denisovans played video games in night skies
Chronicles on the Discovery of Indirect Lighting
The King and I
Shedding Unwanted Weight by Stormy Daniels
Petroleum Menagerie
by Tennessee Walker’s Defense of Fracking Orchestra
Making The Apocalypse work for you
Persian Crossword Destinies from Mohammad Mosaddeq
When Yes means No and Maybe means Never
40 Double Talk Dinner Ideas
Vladimir Putin – Bullied at Leningrad High?