All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Fumar puros no es un pasatiempo
(Rio Sucio) La práctica o el hábito de fumar puros no merece la consideración de pasatiempo, según el Consorcio Norteamericano de Diversiones y Bordados. El comité, integrado por personas sin nada más que hacer en todo el día, revocó una decisión previa tomada en marzo, de la que informa este periódico.
Durante una reunión cargada de emociones, varios defensores del hábito de fumar puros encendieron sus cigarrillos y luego salieron furiosos de la sala.
La votación final, de 5 a 0, rechazó reconocer el hábito de fumar puros como un pasatiempo legítimo. En una acción posterior, el grupo dio un giro radical sobre la situación del coleccionismo de sellos, que también se consideró inmoral hace casi tres meses.
“No hay nada obsceno en guardar sellos en un álbum de recortes y luego olvidarse de ellos”, declaró el grupo.
Como era de esperar, el anuncio evitó hacer comentarios sobre el uso de pegamento para aviones en espacios reducidos y el cultivo de hierbas peligrosas. No se espera una respuesta dura por parte de los fumadores de puros ni de la Hermandad Nacional de Humidores.
-Fanny Fumes
LOW-CAL CHRISTMAS STAMPS RELEASED
(Denver) The United States Postal Service has announced plans to release some 400,000 low calorie Christmas stamps in time for the holidays. The stamps, featuring Santa Claus and other celebrated Yuletide icons, will be first-class and available at the window on December 21.
The stamps are a colorful bit of Americana, appropriate to the season and contain less than three calories. Customers who prowl the post office hallways have for long complained about health considerations when purchasing stamps. Of course, the benefits of the low-cal stamps are only apparent when one licks the back of them.
A self-adhesive batch, mistakenly produced last month, will be saved for emergencies.
If the promotion is a success consumers should expect to be assaulted by a grand array of theme stamps throughout the year. Next up: Heart-shaped stamps for Valentines Day and 99-cent stamps for April Fools.
-Gabby Haze
Plastic diapers blamed for behavior disorders
Hemp the Savior?
(Yellow Rock) The use of plastic disposable diapers is being blamed for the rise in insanity in civilized cultures according to pediatricians from here to Brownsville. Aside from the obvious psychological damage that occurs when baby is left too long in any soiled duds the employment of disposable diapers may be the root of the rampant social disorder that has plagued the planet since turn of the last century.
Pop culture icons agree that plastic diapers made their opening statement in 1948 and were embraced by mothers (and fathers) who could afford what was considered a luxury.
Despite the great invention, trouble was ahead. No diapers to wash but was baby different than before? Were these diapers really such a good idea? Were infants wearing these disposables losing ground both physically and mentally due to chemicals and plastic embracing their sensitive skin? Were babies becoming psychopathic because they wore disposable crotch threads?
Some doctors say that a baby experiences gratification and security by touch at a young age. What can we expect when he or she is living in plastic and adhesive instead of soft cotton and safety pins? Super-absorbent polymers, resealable tape, elastic waistbands. Was this the stuff of cribs and changing tables in the future?
Navel intelligence tells us there is less than 10% collateral damage here but is not clear what harm is done by the very nature of the garment. Unfortunately the key witnesses who are still parading around in disposable diapers are not likely to have mastered the language at that young age and thus cannot to tell us much about the nitty gritty reality.
Then there is the environmental impact. Disposable is a two-headed monster and convenience comes at a high price. In just a dozen years discarded plastic diapers would account for 1.5% of the municipal waste in the country. In 2050 the diapers pitched in a landfill today will just begin biodegrading.
One solution is to begin producing diapers from hemp which is comfortable, sturdy, cheap and last virtually forever. Although many parents are hesitant due to ignorance of hemp which has long been associated with the drug culture. Hemp diapers are ecologically friendly and cost a fraction of the plastic variety. Yes, they must be washed but considering the fiscal and environmental benefits it is clearly worth it. Already astronauts, the incontinent and a host of little circus dogs have been wearing hemp nappies for years to glowing reports. The more industrial versions have been known to empower Democrats to present longer speeches and control wikileaks in aging Republicans.
One researcher, speaking on the condition that he not be associated with diapers of any kind said, “Virtually everyone in civilized society has worn plastic diapers and everyone is basically nuts. Logic is logic.
– Dag Katz
RV Ascends Mt. Taco
(Ridgway) Just when you think the last RV has flown south for the rest of the winter the unexpected happens. Last night a 4500 foot, self-contained, Open Road RV successfully ascended 14,001-foot Mt. Taco in the San Juan Mountains. Driven by Beth and Walter Whisper of Sun City, Arizona, the slow-moving recreational vehicle reached the top at about 4 pm Rocky Mountain Time much to the relief of a line of traffic they had held up on County Road 5.
“Many of our neighbors thought it was Santa’s sleigh at first but the `I’m spending my children’s inheritance’ mud flaps gave it away,” said a local sheriff’s deputy who asked not to be associated with any of this.
Authorities have been in contact with the pilot and co-pilot (the Whispers) in an attempt to determine whether the feat was conducted by plan or if the visitors had simply lost their way on the trip back to Grand Canyon State. Either way it is hoped that the RV has been stocked with provisions since the earliest rescue is projected for late May.
It was not clear if the Whispers carried tire chains or sandbags on their epic (albeit foolhardy) journey.
DEER HITS ELK ON HIGHWAY 550
(Colona) A 250-pound mule deer collided with a 800-pound bull elk near here last night causing a few tense moments for motorists traveling home during rush hour. Although the incident had the earmark of a major disaster there were no serious injuries reported. Damage is estimated at about $3500 as the mule deer sustained some front-end damage and the elk suffered an electrical setback.
According to a ranger with the Division of Wildlife the accident was unavoidable and, since the hapless herd animals have no visible assets, no ticket was issued.
“It’s amazing that we don’t have more of this type of thing what with the lackadaisical migratory habits of these big galoots,” said the spokesperson. “They never look where they’re going but at least these bozos were wearing feet belts!”
The deputy declined to comment further as he was called off to investigate the presence of a rather large RV perched/stuck near the summit of Mt. Taco above the town of Ridgway.
EAT MORE ROUGHAGE, DOW WARNS DEER
(Denver) Wildlife experts over at the DOW on Broadway are warning deer to eat more roughage and avoid burning the candle at both ends during the winter months. Most of the animals, they insist, reach burnout point way before the spring thaw because they don’t take care of themselves.
“The level of decadence that gets them through the night can be just as dangerous as skiing or sky diving if one isn’t prepared both physically as well as mentally,” said a DOW pencil man on his way out to lunch.
Designated herds have already been enrolled in group therapy here where that move is appropriate according to sources on the Western Slope where deer are as thick as Kangaroos in Alice Springs. It is from within this pool that natural selection will determine “the chosen” who will enjoy the paradise that is summer in Colorado.
The overpopulation of deer and elk (not to mention mountain lions, moose and bear) near state and federal highways, and especially on county roads has always a nightmare for drivers after dark. Despite years of investigation (migration patterns) and millions of dollars spent (deer fence) to control the migrations of these beasts the problem has not been alleviated
“The way we see it we have two choices,” said Averill Fireaway, a spokesman for Elk Steak For Breakfast, “either we shoot the deer and have a bonanza barbecue or we go back to horseback and carriages.”
Most residents concede that deer fence helps but it is limited. Other parties are not so sure as Fireaway what direction to follow. Many feel the DOW is pampering the animals and yet they say let nature take its corpse.
-Fred Zeppelin
Thanksgiving To Be Celebrated on Mondays Starting Next Year
(Washington) The federal government has decided to celebrate Thanksgiving on Mondays in 2026, keeping with its concept of holiday symmetry and uniformity. The holiday, in which hungry diners give thanks for the year’s blessings, has been celebrated on Thursday since its inception in 1623.
In 1789 George Washington issued a general proclamation for a day of thanks. That same year the Episcopal Church announced that the first Thursday in November would be a regular holiday, “unless another day be appointed by civil authorities”. In 1855 soon-to-be Confederate Virginia adopted the custom of a Thanksgiving Day. Ironically enough it was Abraham Lincoln who proclaimed Thanksgiving as the last Thursday of the month in 1863. In 1941 Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday would be observed as a legal holiday. In Canada the holiday is celebrated in October unless the Blue Jays get into the World Series.
“It’s that part about civil authorities that fouls up the muffins,” said one traditionalist who feels this country needs all the culture it can get.
“Why fool with a good thing like Thanksgiving. Aren’t there more pressing social issues to deal with here?” he spat.
Persons wishing to continue the Thursday celebration have been hereby informed that they are doing so outside the law.
“These rogue turkey day revelers must be brought to heel,” said Congressman Oral Noise, who first penned the proposal. “The next thing you know they’ll want to celebrate the Fourth of July on the fourth of July. Bunch of damn communists!”
Sources here feel that the population will put up a fight in the early rounds but succumb to the homogenized version of Thanksgiving before long.
“We’ll indoctrinate the school children first and then frighten the elderly into submission,” said Noise. “And if we have further problems we’ll put a tariff on pumpkin pie.”
– Suzie Compost
CONGRESS TO CEASE LAUNDERING OPERATIONS
(Washington) Both the House and Senate have approved a bill calling for the termination of dry cleaning services on Capitol Hill. They say their move will save the taxpayers millions and may even balance the budget.
In short, the legislative bodies will end the practice of sending their shirts out for cleaning and, in some cases launder and press the articles while they are out campaigning.
“It’s all part of our New World Odor concept,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). “We have to stop thinking about personal hygiene in the three or four shirts per day mode and move on to a three or four days per shirt philosophy.”
Noise went on to say that while it is important for elected officials to look crisp (not necessarily sharp) the good of the nation takes precedence.
“We feel strongly that any Congressman worth his salt can get an extra day or two out of a lightly starched shirt before throwing it in the laundry,” added Noise. “It is important that we set a good example for the citizenry and save a few bucks on the side.”
Current projections imply that if one simply multiplies the number of Congressmen by $2.29 (the current cost of laundering a dress shirt on Maasachusettes Avenue) and then multiplies that figure by the number of cleaning items and then by 365 (the number of days in the year) the overall savings will exceed all former projections.
“We could take this money and have a big party for the taxpayer or send a manned space flight to the moon but I think we’ll go ahead and pay a few overdue bills,” said Noise. “How can we expect the fiscal cooperation of the nation if we don’t watch our pennies?”
When this plan is operational several sources in the Congress say that they will introduce new legislation aimed at prohibiting motorized travel by Congressmen and severely limiting the practice of talking out of two sides of the mouth within the governing body.
– H.L. Menoken
