All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
CRESTED BUTTE CHESTNUTS
(December 20, 2016 — with your host, Melvin Tooltide)
Molly Missing
It looks like curtains for Amax Mining Company and its plan to mine Red Lady. According to the massive corporation someone has stolen all the molybdenum from the proposed site. It was not clear who was responsible for the theft or how they managed to pull off such a feat without detection by local law enforcement personnel.
“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” said an exited member of the High Country Citizens Alliance, a group that has fought Amax since the 70s.
Apparently the moly was illegally extracted from Red Lady without so much as a scratch to the mountain. It was then hauled over Kebler to an undisclosed landing strip and flown to freedom elsewhere.
“I don’t believe it,” said one Crested Butte town councilman. “Now we can resume our ancient priorities and use all that water to make snow.”
No one at any level of authority would comment on CBMR’s plan to build 40,000 new condo eunuchs at the base of Yellow River and additional affordable employee housing at the top of Teocali Lift.
“At least skiing is environmentally sound,” said one walking press release.
The Amax Corporation promised to get to the bottom of the heist and bring the criminal element to heal.
“Claim jumping will not be tolerated,” said one mine boss.
CBMR to purchase “feeder college”
Crested Butte Mountain Resort announced plans to purchase Western State University as a feeder facility by the end of the month. Although details are sketchy it appears that the ski resort wants to assure the presence of skier days and provide a place to educate the public as to space charges.
“We don’t know what space charges are but we’ll be offering an academic explanation real damn soon,” said Dr. Ethel Marmotbreath, coordinator of the controversial acquisition.
“The formula is elusive but has something to do with the multiplication of .0175 by the number of college grads flipping burgers in the Gunnison Valley. Now when students cut morning classes they can buy a half day ticket and nobody will tell their parents.”
Feds Allocate millions in search of Buttheads
Despite an image as anti-cloning, the White House has put aside an additional 3.4 million dollars earmarked for canine potty control in the nation’s ski towns. At present the research has bogged down and proponents of the program now say they’ll need more money to finish the job.
“What began as a ridiculous result of hands-on gov’ment meddling has now stranded itself in the alleys and vacant lots of towns like Crested Butte,” said Rocky Flats, blueprint specialist attached to the Department of the Inferior. “It’s simple…Either we extend cleanup efforts or go right to the source of the problem. Normally we can skate through March but on a light snow year we could all be up Shiite Creek.”
How or when local dogs will be hermetically sealed and subject to inspection was not disclosed. Flats, who made millions marketing marmot dung as the aphrodisiac of the 90s, the program will give new meaning to “the big dump”.
Interested parties can offer their input by stopping by the departmental offices located inside the Pooper Park Chalet anytime between now and Valentine’s Day.
– Tommy Moddlefinger
Horseshoe Open 24 Hours Over Holidays
(Ouray, Colorado — Yuletide Sparks — December 19, 2016)
The San Juan Horseshoe will extend its normal hours for the December holidays. In a departure from closing when the sun goes down the paper will keep its doors opened “all day and all night” so as to accommodate last minute shoppers, thirsty travelers and persons looking to get a last minute bet down before football shifts into overdrive.
“We had to look long and hard at the possibility of staying open,” said publisher Kashmir Horseshoe from his cat-bird seat high above Box Canyon Falls. “The light bill is bad enough just operating during regular business hours.”
A hastily constructed reception desk will be manned by Al Qaeda suspects recently picked up by a Homeland Security sweep through the local Wal-mart parking lot.
“They’re a shifty bunch,” quipped Horseshoe, “and potentially dangerous but its next to impossible to get good help this time of the year.”
The Horseshoe offices effected are located adjacent to the Camp Bird turn-off south of town, and across from the Wimpton Mental Health Clinic in the Edith Bunker National Forest. A full Irish breakfast will be served.
-Warren of Wexley
Dreams are your brain’s car wash
with Dr Efram Harbinger PhD, BFD, LSMFT
Do you ever wake up in the morning with the distinct sensation that someone has hooked you up to a garden hose, pouring constant streams of water into your ears and sinus cavities? Do you sometimes feel like a storied bass on the hook? Not to worry. This is normal, whatever that may suggest in your tiny, often frightened little reality.
For centuries scientists have chased after lingering data as to how and why the brain works in mysterious methods. Yes, dreams are nature’s carwash. Flushing it out during the night often results in a clearer understanding of daylight schedules and a more focused approach to life. Just go to sleep and your mind will do the rest. You will awake nice and clean for coming endeavors, including romance, which benefits from a good scrub every so often.
The phenomenon does have its limits. Dreamers are responsible for their own under carriage maintenance. Streaking windows are a no-no. Vacuuming up brain cells s optional. Always fall asleep with frontal hardware securely in neutral. Aliens: Watch those antennas!
Embracing alpha state is a passing fancy for many of us. A clean brain allows easy access and departure from trite, harmful or unnecessary drifts.
Take the classic dream where the dreamer imagines he is flying: He soars above the bed looking down unable to attach to anything. Secondly: Consider the common nightmare wherein the sleeper struggles to free himself from a rising water reverie. In both of these scenarios we see clear connections to the car wash postulate. Both could signify a desire for more freedom and less restraint. Both might indicate a need for more control of one’s emotions. Of course both could simply mean one needs to get up and hit the can before he wets the bed.
Persons who constantly dream without correct and professional supervision run the risk of going completely mad. Delusional beliefs that one can contain collateral damage or successfully plow through the endless data, collected in just one night, is no more than destructive fantasy. Don’t take chances with your brain. It is the only one you have. Make an appointment today and let’s chat about your mental alacrity.
December 6, 2016
Ruthie Roosterson Passes
(Wimpton Acres Homestay Obituary Roundup December 4, 2016)
Steadfast proofreader Ruthie Roosterson left this world this morning for greener pastures. The loyal spell checker and grammar stalwart predates all computer programs aimed at achieving perfection on the printed page. The cause of death was determined to be natural and due to complications regarding her age. She was 119.
An avid tennis player up until the end Roosterson knocked back three sets just last Saturday before closing the bars that night. On Sunday she won first-place at the Cedar Creek Demolition Derby and prepared ribs, spuds and corn-on-the-cob for 400 hungry fans at her remote Pea Green worm recovery center.
Roosterson was the first and only proofreader even employed by the Horseshoe, finding an estimated 400,000 typos, misspellings and miscalculations over that span. It was some time during those 40 years that Ruthie lost her sight altogether succumbing to complete blindness in 1987.
“Even stone-blind, the woman missed nothing,” said employer Kashmir Horseshoe. “It was uncanny, even paranormal but she got the job done and still had time to water the plants and take out the trash. They don’t make ‘em like Ruthie anymore.”
The paper now finds itself engaged in finding a replacement but until then readers are asked to do their own proofing. Employees at the Horseshoe will continue to produce mounds of worthless copy in a playful attempt to challenge the potential projected permanent proof person.
“We are looking for somewhat who is literate and younger,” said Horseshoe, acknowledged as The Hero of Bloated Oaks. “We prefer someone with roots in this valley who will stay on longer.”
Roosterson is said to have regularly consumed a case of Mexican beer during her heralded 10-hour work shifts. A high point in her life came as she won $1500 in a slot machine at the palm-infested Moapa Bowl then gave the money to the Nevada Butane Society. A career smoker she puffed away up until her death when the coroner was forced to remove a filter tipped Lucky from her lips before pronouncing her deceased.
Fellow employees who have taken to sleeping with their dictionaries will miss Ruthie’s smile and quick albeit sordid wit. Her ashes will be spread over the local library during cocktail hour on Friday.
– Small Mouth Bess
Trump to Gold Leaf “The Wall”
President-elect Donald Trump likes 24-carrot gold leaf. He likes it all over his 5th Avenue Manhattan apartment. He likes the rococo design. He likes it in Las Vegas and if it passes in Congress a gold-leaf montage may decorate The Wall between the United States and Mexico.
Like many of Trump’s ego blasts and a parade of flamboyant landmarks the Wall will reflect a certain affluence level not enjoyed by many of Trumps fervent supporters.
Inside the aviary at the Trump Tower in New York City. lots of gold and new tax breaks for the rich.
“Money is no object,” said an unreliable source rumored to have the billionaire’s ear. “Imagine how proud we will be when the obstacle to illegal and undocumented immigration is complete. It will be a major triumph for corporeality all over the world.”
Although nothing has come to pass supporters of the construction say a combination of brick and mortar will be implemented and 100,000 workers will be employed. The projected completion date is January 2021.
“Trump is going to trouble assembling such a large work force without including some illegals,” said an Arizona man who demanded anonymity. “Plus his history as an employer may come back to bite him on his arse.”
The President-elect reportedly stiffed an estimated 300 workers when his Atlantic City casino went belly up and allegedly did not pay other contractors for work performed.
“That doesn’t mean squat,” said a Trump spokesman. “The American people have short memories and many appear comfortable with a wheeler-dealer in the White House. He’s going to make America great again.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
