Toole in living hell of Vietnamese “Communism”

Posing with staff of Happy Days Hotel in Danang. Capitalism is alive and well here with a highly noted absence of corporate chains like some places in the world.

EVE WAS FRAMED SLATED FOR MARCH

The controversial play Eve Was Framed will be presented by the Western State drama department on the banks of the East River here through March. The locale was chosen so as to make use of the seasonal backdrop of high winds and light snow (the masses) and because the coming summer Gunnison resembles the legendary Garden of Eden.
Playwright Ella Benedictine Rockefeller, a senior majoring in body chemistry, completed the work while on a Greyhound coming up from Oklahoma City. Here is a preview:

EVE WAS FRAMED

Act II The scene: A jerkwater jail somewhere in the Midwest

Jailer: But boss, we got her. Now what we goin’ to do with her?
Hog: We’ll just teach her a thing or two about the order of things, why we’ll…
Serpent: What’s she done? What’s her real crime?
White-haired judge: Next. Wait…this isn’t another drug case. Where am I? She’s an apple pusher?
Hog: Just follow the notes that we have given you. There’s no need to bother the jury with details. She’s guilty. She gave him the apple.
Serpent: Yeah. Get on with it. Some of us are really very busy. Gotta get the wood in. Gotta get the rest of the fruit canned. How does your garden grow?
Jailer: What are we goin’ to do next, boss?
Hog: Maybe burn her as a witch. That’s worked before. We’ve got to make an example of her or all is lost.
Serpent: Power base. Blast off!
Eve: Adam?
Hog: He’s in the other cell. We got him for possession. There’s no use crying out. I’ll hold you in contempt.
Judge: Possession of an apple? That’s not illegal.
Hog: Not yet. Just wait till our boy Dubya gets into the…
Serpent: Look at the evidence. That apple definitely has a bite out of it. Look at the teeth marks. Haven’t you ever heard of DNA?
Jailer: There’s no mention of it in the Bible.
Hog: It’s definitely got a bite out of it. That’s good enough for me.
Judge: The dirty deed has been done. We all agree on that. These two have fallen from grace but we need to find a scapegoat.
Hog: She’s right there in the cell.
Judge: But she looks so innocent.
Hog: That’s just an act. They all do that. We had better act before things get out of hand for ever.
Judge: I have my verdict. I find the defendant guilty as charged and sentence her to co-exist with males for all eternity.
Hog: And he’s letting you off easy, honey.
Serpent: Red Delicious anyone?

– from The Tower of Babble by Rasputin Trump

Qui Nhon Days

The neighbor in Qui Nohn

Five hours on mini-van mad roads with a crazy driver could be more attractive than eight hours on a bumpy bus. Considering the quality of the seats and the amount of the fare, I was quite pleased, at peace and not confrontational, even though the thing left an hour late. That’s until a locked horns with Little Mussolini , the pushy  attendant on the minivan.

The beach road lined with beautiful parks and hotels under construction

“Hey kid”, ”I smiled in my best Vietnamese. “I was born with these longer-than-your legs. If you are spatially challenged I’d suggest you take it up with my father and mother.” I laughed but he scowled. We frowned at each other intently. Maybe it’s a Vietnamese thing that replaces fist fights or duels.

When we rolled into Qui Nhon. I walked over to the small transport dictator, shook his hand and thanked him. I think I scared the shit out him but we both gained a great lesson in packaging.

The cab driver was another sort all together. Mr Smiles. Great human being. We chatted away in my bad Vietnamese, that is certain to improve tomorrow or Tuesday next. He was happy because his friends owned the small homestay where I had the good taste to book three nights. He was happy about life.

She doesn’t look happy but she was a riot. Smacked me on the butt when I passed by the table.

Lan Anh Homestay ($14) sat toward the end of the beach road. A short distance away was a nice looking new roundabout that no one used. The old way took you right downtown and that’s where everyone, who is anyone, hangs out. These people were in no hurry. The roundabout may have been built for some future expansion. Hotels were going up like weeds.

Melvin Toole inhales a dinner of grouper enhanced by cutting edge beer in a bucket of ice technology. According a man in the bar it is a Vietnamese invention. Before the Chinese were here,” he added. Either way it works well. The gem of the dining experience was chao hai san – a delicious seafood porridge.

The room has a small balcony with plants everywhere. Next to it was a small Buddhist temple. May mat (lucky) choice. The host, a college student, was more than attentive. The I’ll buy if you fly solution worked well since Tung had a motorbike and I had a touch of the gout. (Beef pate with rice whiskey on my porch prior to leaving for Quo Nhon).

Seafood restaurants (hai san) dotted the street. They advertise Live Seafood and do a brisk business on fruits of the sea and other fresh delights.

Vietnam is a very young country. Here is the delightful staff of the rousing restaurant where I enjoyed lau ca (seafood hot pot) with my friends.

I have yet to hear a car alarm here or in Hoi An. Plenty of kareoke but no intrusions of the digital conspiracy. It appears virtually crime free on the Central Coast. One never sees cops. No violence. Smart people. Lots of them. Considerate and engaging. What a stark change from my country where everyone seems annoyed with everyone else.

No Trip Advisor – How Can we Survive? These folks have other fish to fry. In fact the only Westerners I met were on ride back, Jacob and Christine two lovely people from Czech Republic.

I’d like to go on but my rum is aging quickly in this climate and I must away!

May We suggest
Saigon-Qui Nhon hotel pool. Use of pool, weight room, sauna (if it works), towel, friendly people. Cost 20,000 Dong (90 cents). Right across from the beach in the middle of town.

The transport company itself was in fact very together. On the way back to Hoi An a young employee walked me to my ride and asked “Are you hungry?” We had five hours to go on the road. Had I said yes he would have run off and brought me noodle soup and then watched me slurp it smiling at his ingenuity with this foreign “grandfather”.

-Ming Toole

BIG PHARM DEAD OF SUSPECTED OVERDOSE

(Lima, Peru) Murray “Big Pharm Pillar was found lifeless this morning in a llama-infested alley in Sao Providencia, near Cusco. Ironically enough his final resting place, was not that far from the Amazon rainforests, the source of many natural remedies. These cures were played down by Big Pharm and his friends in the oil and lumber business.

According to a bootlegged piece in Los Ramos and Andes ( a warm but satirical Latino slant on the popular radio program of the 30s Amos and Andy.) Big Pharm died due to overdose of statins, pain killers and opiates near El Mono, a howler monkey colony of limited autonomy.

Police fear an upheaval by his victims may have led to the untimely demise. At the time of death Big Pharm’s net worth was estimated to be over 4 billion dollars.

Police investigating the demise were in agreement that the overdose was the result of chronic greed and arrogance as well as the drugs. The death is expected to generate a major scuffle for power within the lucrative industry as the insurance companies have demanded a share of the dead man’s estate.

The American public, unaware of Big Pharm’s criminal activities against them, did not celebrate or mourn but rather went to Wal-Mart and ate fast food as they always do. Many physicians expressed hope that they would not be thrown from the fray train as the power play evolves.
– Joe Bob Statin

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Anyone attempting to intimidate our advertisers or others enjoying their place in the sun will be immediately collared, restrained and shown the door. Persons suspected of further resistance or caught on camera in noncompliant mode will be dragged to the trash and deleted. This means you.

“If you want so much to be in Vietnam just wait a bit and perhaps in your next reincarnation you will be born Vietnamese.” – Vietnamese scholar to Frenchman, 1879.

Bighorn Sheep Blocking Traffic

(Ouray CO) First it was the deer eating local gardens, then it was the elk loitering around the town’s hockey rink, then it was the chipmunks stealing horses. Now it’s the bighorn sheep who have gotten into the act.

Some say it is only instict at work. Others insist it is wanton sabotage of the existing social order in the Rockies.

Since the first snowfall of the winter, city mandarins have tried everything to discourage local bighorn sheep from blocking traffic on Main Street during rush hour. Attempts at solving the problem have included free passes (next summer) to the hot springs pool for all sheep, discounts at local restaurants and even an open invitation to bingo night at the local Elks Club.

“Sure, it was cute in the beginning when the sheep started showing up all over town,” said Raymond Markey, a former mayoral candidate who has more than 50 years experience in animal control. “When they had a problem with loafing in the mine, they’d simply hand a man his walking papers. I think we should just fire all those sheep found to be sandbagging. That should send a clear message to the rest of them.”

Markey added that he had nothing personal against the animals wanting to get out every so often.

“It’s not like they’re panhandling or washing windshields to buy another bottle of wine,” he laughed. “The problem is that they have nothing else to do. They don’t even have cable TV. Believe me,” he continued, “I can empathize with the beasts. Winters do tend to drag on in this country.”

-Suzie Compost

“A device that permits people who haven’t anything to do to watch people who can’t do anything.”        – Fred Allen, on television, 1952.