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Snoring in Church Annoying At Best

To: The faithful

From: Rev. Phil Pharisee

Subject: Disruptions in the process of salvation

As much as I hate to bring it up I am acutely concerned with the lack of discipline within the ranks of my fruitful congregation. One Mr. Martin Ballywagge, a newly immersed member of our flock in Ouray, has, through no fault of his own, upset the ox cart, tipped the scales of righteousness and even rocked the boat during a moving chorus in Rock of Ages.

Let me give you a little background on Martin.

It was not, so far as I can determine, with the arrival of adulthood that Martin Ballywagge, an black Irishman in good standing, developed his chronic nasal maladies. He’s had them all of his life as his doctor Hugh Piller has assured us. By the time he was 8 he had snored through his first three years of academic life, constantly disrupting classes at Harry S. Truman Elementary back in Moline. The teachers complained to the principal who then complained to the parents who turned to Dr. Piller who prescribed drugs. Unfortunately the drugs only put little Martin back to sleep, a condition which encouraged more snuffling and snorting.

During one Sunday evening service (we didn’t get enough that morning) Martin snored his way through 3 hymns, 16 baptisms, 25 confirmations of faith and my well placed sermon as to the dangers of propane fumes.

“Maybe he’s allergic to something inside the church,” said Mary Ouana, who hasn’t had a drink in three months and looks great, although she still doesn’t have a date for New Year’s Eve.

The next day we scrubbed and polished the pews, vacuumed the drapery and went over the carpet with a fine tooth comb. We collected $3.87 in change and found a gold wedding band, lost by the late Abner Silvers back in 1989. The deceased (hit by a Rainbow Tours bus on his way the gym on his 97th birthday) had no heirs and the orphaned ring made its way to the collection plate.

Last Sunday the crisis deepened. I had just completed a soul-searching epistle on religious tolerance and magazine subscriptions when one of those pushy Baptists knocked on the back door. Since the congregation had already fallen asleep I answered. It was Parson Edith Quelle who complained of snoring coming from the back of her tabernacle. She identified the noisy culprit as our Mr. Ballywagge. Was he attending services at the Baptist church too? Was he stepping out?

Then Wednesday night, just as I finally got the that night’s gathering off to sleep, Ballywagge stumbles into the front pew. He crosses his legs, tilts his head, adjusts his coat and wanders into dreamland. This time his snores were like an earthquake. The entire temple shook. It sounded like a rogue freight train that had all at once gotten a spoonful of that old time religion.

In no time he had woke up Sarah Camarone, who was imprisoned for embezzlement in 1994, and disturbed the aging Clyde Shrapnell, a former member of the Ku Klux Klan. Then to make matters worse his nasal explosions chased the sand from the beady eyes of Doris Maltfeather, a retired exotic dancer and left Roberto Guerrero, a Columbian terrorist sponsored by the church, frighteningly wide awake for the duration of the service.

I have written to my bishop and even recommended Martin to a hypnotist. One pagan lost soul, whom I met at a ecumenical barbecue last summer, may have provided a temporary solution. Active in an unidentified Eastern religion, where chanting, banging and an accomplished brass section are an integral part of the services, the monk has offered to take Ballywagge off my hands in return for Saturday parking privileges in our lot.

Until that day I hope that you, the faithful, will persist in angelic patience and use the earplugs which I have placed in your stations of worship. Now go back to sleep.

Study for a career in weed management

(Montrose) The Montrose County Extension Service has announced a dramatic increase in the demand for qualified weed managers in this region. The lucrative field of weed management has expanded recently due to the ability of various strains of weeds to survive everything short of nuclear attack. This high-paying, low stress, career has developed in response to the growing problem.

“We need an entire generation of educated warm bodies to thwart the onward march of weeds and their allies,” said one extension agent. “If we don’t do something about the weeds today they will be at the gate tomorrow.”

Several powerful Western Slope weed families have defied all attempts to eradicate them, with one or two even surviving ditch fires and air strikes by the 1st Armored Crop Duster Brigade, based at Pea Green Field.

“We surprised them (the weeds) at dawn and let them have it with everything we could muster,” said Col. Wellington Bulbous, Adjunct Commander at the underground airfield. “It was really beautiful, man. The napalm climbed high into the air and the strafing had them all sitting back on their heels. The place was black with the smoke of our terrible, swift swords.”

However, after an hour long barrage, even Bulbous admitted that the attack had been less than successful, as most of the weeds survived and continued their stranglehold on the more respectable plants in the immediate area.

“We need to find out how they are doing it,” said Bulbous. “The next step is a sweep of the region and some down-home interrogation. We’ll get to the root of this problem even if we have to blow up the rest of the planet to do it,” he said. “I really don’t care either way. I’m just happy that I finally have a place to wear my camouflage outfits.”

-H.L. Menoken

Kellyanne Conway Doll Falling Flat in China

(Hong Kong) Sales of KellyAnne Conway Doll have been a fiscal disaster in China despite being pedaled by Trump interests with insider credentials .

“This is a wonderful doll, the best doll, the greatest doll in history,” Trump tweeted. “I’ve seen it on television and it might even be in my daily briefings.”

Kellyanne Conway Doll not selling well in China

Other members of the Trump Dynasty have been slow to show much support in recent marketing efforts. None are the least bit Chinese nor is Kelly Anne which many distributors say could be the problem here.

“Maybe some Asian features would help,” said one marketer. “Maybe a traditional outfit or cultural hook. We don’t have any travel bans on Kunming Cowboys do we? What, if anything, have we learned from the Hillary Clinton Doll disaster, orchestrated by the Democratic National Committee, in November?”

The model for the talking doll, and special advisor to Donald Trump, expressed concern over the slow sales saying that the only a segment of the Chinese really understand the product. Privately friends conclude that she is quite upset about what she sees as a rejection, but she continues to have faith that the doll will suddenly reinvent itself and fly off the shelves.

“We have over 2 million of these Kelly Dolls with a disturbing likeness to Conway,” said one Trump supporter. “I don’t think there are enough Chinese in Shanghai to move the dolls before Christmas. I just hope the administration survives that long or we’ll never unload them.”

Kellyanne has asked all real patriots to buy one in USA to support her material girl lifestyle. Vicarious living in a scrounger’s paradise is not on the daily menu of this Go Girl, who supports terminating social programs that benefit the poor in this country.

Meanwhile in Russia sales of the robust Vladimir Putin doll have lagged behind projections in part due to the surging popularity of the Donald Trump Voodoo Doll that comes with its own set of monogrammed pins.

Despite what must be disappointing setbacks for the First Family a new doll is reportedly on the assembly line which does not talk. An industry spokesman praised the new model adding that pre-production orders were brisk.

– Fred Zeppelin

Bloom’s Day Observances Set Around Globe

(Dublin) They’ll be wearing boater hats in Rio de Janeiro, sporting parasols in Seville, dressed in bloomers in Nairobi and draped in Edwardian stripe jackets in Paris. Some will be riding antique bicycles while others will be reading aloud passages from Ulysses on street corners.

On Bloom’s Day, June 16, James Joyce fans all over the world will, in their own whimsical ways, once again pay homage to Leopold Bloom, hero of Joyce’s story set on June 16, 1904 in Dublin.

The novel, called the greatest piece of fiction of the 20th Century, begins at 7 Eccles Street in Dublin town with Leopold Bloom, an advertising salesman, and his wife Molly frying up sheep kidneys for breakfast. It then follows Bloom as he negotiates the streets of the city 1113 years ago.

Participants from Zurich to London remember Bloom’s epic journey, a blueprint of Dublin at the turn of the last century, with a glass of Burgundy, mock turtle soup and a Gorgonzola sandwich for lunch (if in Dublin) at Davey Byrnes Pub on Duke Street (or perhaps Mulligan’s Pub over on Poolbeg). That’s where Leopold Bloom stopped to eat and later drink on that day.

Then the Dublin Bloom’s Dayers will most likely gather at the Ormand Hotel for another Guinness. That’s the place Bloom was tempted by the barmaids/sirens.

In Ulysses, Joyce’s love-hate relationship with Dublin, Bloom wanders the eccentric streets of one of Europe’s most fascinating cities. Today his groupies attempt to replicate his experience. If this kind of things sounds good to you connect to an Aer Lingus flight out of Denver. Slainte!

Anti-Solar Demonstrations Rock New York

An estimated 200 demonstrators blocked traffic and upset rush hour in Manhattan and Brooklyn today advocating the construction of more coal-generated nuclear plants and condemning further government research in the field of solar and wind generated energy.

The crowd, a mixture of tattooed businessmen and blue-collar professionals blended with all night disc jockeys union and an assortment of neighborhood toughs looking for someone to stomp.

The philistine assemblage soon began throwing rocks at the sun and shouting, “No Rays!”

Insiders blame the disturbance on poorly informed Fox News personnel who have continually warned that the adoption of solar energy will kill jobs while building petro nuclear power plants is good for the economy.

Actually the reverse is true,” said sociologist studying the behavior of mobs. “Today there are more than twice as many people employed in the solar industry than in the coalfields.”

“Damn the facts,” said one angry believer. “Those solar types would have you believing that the sun is free.”

Citing dangers in solar expansion such as sunburn and an overabundance of chlorophyll, the demonstrators jeered at anyone who did not visibly support them. One angry demonstrator challenged his adversaries to explain what they intended to do with potentially hazardous solar waste materials.

Some statements just don’t deserve a response, no matter how juvenile it might be,” said a solar enthusiast from Connecticut.

An entertainment venue, aimed at drawing supporters from the commuter throng, completely missed its mark. Although the wildly popular Chase Manhattan String Band (“There Goes the Sun” and “You Aren’t My Sunshine”) swooned Union Square, a slim crowd was estimated to be no more than 20 people, and some of those may have been waiting for the uptown bus to the Bronx.

The situation threatened to turn violent as pro-solar militias began surrounding the hapless demonstrators, cut off from their fellows by more than improprieties.

Suddenly a grueling late afternoon sun made its way across the wet, tepid sky driving participants, demonstrators, militias and bystanders into the shade for some relief from the heat.

Meanwhile in Ulster County two mounted loonies have reportedly been attacking windmills in some twisted solidarity with the whole affair.

– Estelle Marmotbreath

BUS ENTHUSIASTS FORM CLUB

(Gunnison) Local bus enthusiasts have organized the nation’s first bus club here according to a press release received this morning. The club, founded for promotion and preservation of bus-related culture, will attempt to educate the public while it combats common misgivings about this kind of travel.

In addition the club will be responsible for recording bus lingo and chronicling history of buses in the Western Slope region. Slide shows on the most recent technology and hints on making left turns will be presented each Friday night in the parking lot of at the former LaVeta Hotel on South Boulevard Street.

“We’ll be taking field trips to local fields and meeting the bus when it arrives on its daily trek from Pueblo and points beyond,” said Rolf Cramdose of Almont. “Why just the other day we had a bus right here in Gunnison that came all the way from Kansas City. Small world, heh?”

Members feel that the public will gain new perspectives into bus travel through the efforts described here.

“With the Congress dragging its feet on passing clear energy bills we could all soon be riding the bus,” smiled Cramdose. “We seek to educate and entertain the public while presenting bus travel in a positive light. Yet every day we sit and watch as rookies hold up the line looking for change or asking the driver stupid questions.”

– Gus Stoppe