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Vultures Carry Off, Eat Rafters
(Montrose) Flocks of thought to be extinct Tsunyi Turkey Vultures continue to dine on unsuspecting rafters often caught with their pants down on the Uncompahgre River south of here. The birds, often posing a ditch riders, conceal themselves in nearby willow trees then pounce on the boat people, eating the adults on site and carrying off the smaller ones for a perverted dessert.
“We don’t know what has gotten into the vultures,” said one local rafter. “They used to wait until people actually croaked before they ate them. This is not good.”
The rafter went on to say that somebody should do something about this.
These particular vultures generally migrate to Canada by this time of the year but a drastic change in feeding habits may have dictated a longer stay in Colorado.
“It’s like a smorgasbord of debauchery said a fly fisherman who witnessed another attack Saturday. “The vultures seize their victims and then hold them under water until the fight is out of them. I didn’t know birds could hold their breath that long.
The local Homo Sapiens for Population Control has defended the vultures saying that they are technically Canadian citizens who are just following their instincts.
“If the birds were busy eating road kill the giant catfish fill the power void with much the same result,” said one HSPC spokesperson.
-Feather Neste
Tweetie Trumpings
“I will not write about Donald Trump. I will not write about Donald Trump….I will not write about Donald Trump.” – scribbled on the blackboard in the editorial offices of the Washington Post.
Headlines in 5 of the nation’s top newspapers today begin with the word Trump. It’s all Trump and the Russians, Trump and the GOP, Trump and North Korea, Trump and Trump. They say they detest him but they churn out yards of copy about his every move. Maybe if they would simply ignore him he would explode, melt, or go away.
Here are some top stories as they appear in major dailies from LA to Boston.
Trump Wheels and Deals for Berlin Wall
President Donald Trump today purchased the notorious Berlin Wall for transport to the American Southwest for installation. Included in the projected purchase are security gates, thousands of feet of barbwire, warning signs, taped broadcasts in German and Russian and three guard towers, instrumental in the deaths of 80 persons attempting an escape from totalitarianism.
The wall, acquired for an undisclosed sum, is expected to arrive sometime in January supporting a slew of campaign promises. Trump told a group of supporters that his wall would create over 40,000 jobs and would be stamped Made in USA upon arrival.
“It will be the best wall ever,” said the president.
It was not clear if Trump knew that the wall had come down in 1989. Unlike most other Trump construction projects, there are no liens against the structure by German tradesmen. Even ideologically bankrupt East German Communists pay their bills.
“We didn’t expect a buyer to emerge,” said one German embassy official. “The wall is in pieces like a jigsaw puzzle, waiting to be hauled off or sold for scrap. This is a very positive development akin to hauling off an old car or a worn out mattress. The money will help Germany’s solar power industry,” he smiled.
“We feel this symbol of repression has found it’s rightful home in the jingo American desert.”
Meanwhile Trump supporters say the liberals are keeping him from getting anything passed. They say the establishment is out to get him when it is becoming clear he is out to get himself.
“Even a blind, hoarding Congressional invertebrate can see that,” said one concrete finisher.
Trump Pulls Hamstring in Tweet storm
Responding to a Supreme Quart decision that includes a ban on visits to Mar-a-Lago Golf Club, President Trump let loose with a tirade of often angry tweets last night.
Piggybacking the controversial ban on persons from many Arab countries, the Justices voted unanimously to restrict Trump’s time of the golf course.
“I’ll fire them all,” tweeted the president. “My base will not stand for this elitist attack by over-educated dark robes. My executive travel ban targets potential terrorists not the landed gentry, not the opulent.”
According to recent research former TV game show hosts, disgraced politicians and child molesters have been persona non grata in Florida ever since Groucho Marx was caught with a box of Havanas in a Miami hotel in 1962.
Taxpayers are pegged for over one million dollars per day for security whenever the Trump entourage heads south. A spokesperson for the president insisted that the figures are skewed and that the excursions were paid for by lobbyists and not from petty cash from West Wing bingo.
Etch-A-Sketch Score Card Irritates Golfers
The clandestine employment of a monogrammed, disappearing scorecard has drawn the ire of fellow golfers playing with the Chief Executive in both the Sunshine and Garden States. The electronic device reportedly allows for the almost magic substitution of numbers after the scores have been entered.
If a golfer nets a double bogey it is automatically recorded as a par while most putts are documented as sunk. The entire 18 holes are remembered as a liar’s mulligan stew. Just one wipe and it all goes back to square one.
This recent brouhaha might provide some relief to the besieged administration in that it may overshadow embarrassing accusations that Trump failed to pay the band at his Inauguration back in January.
“Why can’t he just cheat with a pencil like everyone else?” asked one Republican senator. “He is under the microscope. With the red tie and orange hair it’s not like he’s blending into the background.”
All this and much more to come from a man who thinks Sharia Law is the name of a prostitute he met during a televangelist conference in Texarkana in 2010.
I will not write about Donald Trump…I will not…
For more on this sad subject please turn to
Leaks Net Brown Spots on West Lawn
-Fred Zeppelin
Most Yeti Are Peaceful Herbivores
Summer campers received some good news today as a long-awaited study has concluded the most Yeti (also spelled Yetti) are not a threat.
The Himalayan Bigfoot that roam the Rockies from Canada to Mexico can however be provoked, and present a formidable adversary in the forest.
Campers advised to leave the canned fruit and fresh vegetables at home and barbecue steaks and fish on their grills. There have been only a few recorded incidents of contact this summer mostly in the San Juans. All of them have occurred due to humans leaving Yeti yummies and Bigfoot bites unattended when they turn in for the night.
Our large midnight intruders are not thieves by nature and would prefer to ask before helping themselves to a skillet of caramel carrots, curing kale or a plate of unfinished salad. Usually campers are already dozing when the munchies hit and courageous Sasquatch enter a tent site.
Most Bigfoot are content to chew on sagebrush and down copious amounts of skunk cabbage while grazing on high meadow grasses. They love baseball and quiet, well-behaved children while disdaining dogs, small four-wheelers and fireworks.
The appearance of teeming marmot herds often herald the arrival of Yetti to an isolated camp or even a cabin. It is not clear whether the large rodents are driven by the larger Yetti or if the marmots are trying to get out of the way of what they perceive as potential trouble. Outdoorsmen know this. Tourists should take heed.
“Don’t hassle the Yetti or stare in the direction of the beast since this kind of behavior is regarded as aggressive by the mythical creatures,” said one park ranger. “Big Foot is not a name they appreciate. Would you? In addition these creatures do not trust humans. Do you?”
The mindless tourist economy has all but spelled the end to the Yetti, whom, like the bear and the lion are running out of elbow room.
“People worry and moan about reintroducing predators to Colorado and yet leave the gates open during tourist season,” warned one unreliable source. “Frankly I’d rather have a moose or wolf in my front yard than one of those monster RV units.”
– Uncle Pahgre
Summer 2018 Tourists Face Designated Visitor Days
(Crested Butte) Restrictions on who and how often people can walk the streets of Elk Avenue or stroll in downtown Ouray are expected to pass as the Colorado Senate winds down for summer recess.
Lawmakers met first thing this morning to hammer out an 11th-hour solution to a growing problem of too many people in one place. Calling it the Tough Love Amendment the assembly called for simple application of Designated Visitor Days that run a lot like Limited Watering Days, in the dryer parts of the country, during seasonal drought.
“If you are coming from out-of-state you will be informed long in advance of what days you can wander a given town or county,” said Victoria Crabbie, a spokesman for the Colorado House Republicans that passed the bill last month.
“The classifications are based on the first letter of the tourist’s name. For example: If your name starts with the letter A – F you will be welcomed on Mondays while a family whose name begins with G – L will be allowed to visit on Tuesdays and so on.
“People with names beginning with odd letters like X or Z are most likely foreigners and must register upon arrival at Colorado Welcome Stations that may still be operating in rural areas,” she said.
“People should not take the action personally since it is the culmination of many frustrating hours of balance and comparison by lawmakers who fully support the modern tourist state.”
Insiders say the program is tampering with the golden goose and that it creates a bureaucratic nightmare.
Meanwhile several popular Colorado towns have pad-locked their gates until further controls are established. These are Wimpton (site of the Giant Turd Museum), Gladstone, Pea Green (excluding the academy) Mañana and Fort Roubideau Bay.
Herds of sheep and flocks of poultry are not expected to be inconvenienced by the plan and local food truck access will remain the same.
– H L Menoken
BINGO PARLORS – INNOCENT PASTIME OR NEW AGE THREAT?
(Montrose) Every night hundreds of people play bingo here in this Western Colorado hub. It’s fun and it gives many of them a chance to socialize without spending a fortune on other forms of entertainment. Of late, zealots in the community (fresh from knightly jousts with evil gargoyles) have decided that bingo is a sin, due to associations with numerology.
“We knew it was gambling, in a sense,” said Margot Rotweiller, executive director of the Central Rockies Recreational Bingo Coalition, “but we didn’t really think we were committing immoral acts here at the hall. Sure, cigarette smoking is permitted and coffee is served, but the only drinking done off the premises.”
Critics insist that not only the bingo callers but the board itself are in league with the devil.
“Haven’t you heard about numerology and the application of negative powers?” asked a clearly frightened, confessed former drug addict turned righteous overnight. “Don’t you even watch the television evangelists? They need your money more than this bawdy bingo parlor.”
At present no one has come forth to be saved or to respond to the accusations of this vocal minority. It is not know whether people take their pleas seriously or if they are simply asleep.
“We’re functioning completely within the law,” said Rotweiller, who added that over 200,000 people have passed through the doors of the her bingo emporium since it opened in 1994. “In Salem they burned witches, in Nazi Germany they burned books, today they bomb abortion clinics. I suppose it was naive of us bingo fans to think we’d be exempt from the terrible swift sword.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
INSIDE THE INTERNET
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Now anyone can turn vodka into gin overnight!
Amazing new formula threatens to up the ante in the liquor arena…
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