All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Rox Relief Staff Prognosis Blamed for Flu-Like Symptoms
(Denver) Many local baseball aficionados are complaining of stomach cramps, headaches and a feeling of hopelessness when faced with frighteningly familiar warning signs emanating from the Colorado Rockies’ bullpen.
And spring training has only just arrived.
A myriad of reports do not shine favorably for fans from Wray to Ouray who had hoped for a run at the pennant in 2019. The reality that the best Rockies’ relief pitcher, Adam Ottavino is now in New York has only compounded the infirmities.
Despite hurling millions at the relief problem in 2018, the future looks bleak. The new Blake Street bombers (pitching staff) could not salvage their own asses in a windstorm much less protect a late-inning lead. Simply put: with the exception of Scott Oberg, they stink.
Physicians all over the Rocky Mountains have identified what they called “flu-like symptoms” but, other than a waltz through the pharmacy and the liquid and rest remedy, they offered little in the way of solutions.
One psychiatric nurse suggested moving the Dodgers and D-Backs to the American League in exchange for the two of that league’s basement dwellers. Another medical source favored cutting back to six innings.
“Several of my patients have already began to exhibit feelings of hopelessness and unhealthy escape mechanisms usually not visible until September,” offered a Fort Collins doctor who has prescribed fresh air and a good belt of whiskey in the late innings.
“I clearly remember that last season whenever I saw our million-dollar-baby relief flops start to warm up my stomach got all queasy and indigestion followed,” said Rocky Flats, a longtime season ticket holder from Mack. “Then when they got on the mound my bowels loosened and I got the chills. On extreme occasions I felt nauseous and had to g out into the yard until it passed.”
In a related story psychologists and psychiatrists in the region report a sharp increase in clients suffering from anxiety and seasonal depression. When data compiled from these burgeoning health concerns was interfaced with traditional winter bugaboos it turns out that cold, wind, dirty snow, mid, ice and cloudy days are not the only problem.
It ain’t the pox but it could be the Rox.
“To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” – Oscar Wilde
INSIDE THIS WEBSITE
Chinese Czechs Banned from
International Scrabble competition
Card counting scandal alleged
in Poker Faced and Out of Luck
Pagans set missionary budget for 2019
Funds once earmarked for conversions go to poor
in My Brother’s Beeper
Aggressive ameba eating the brain tissue
of aging world leaders
Hungry supporters watch and wait
in Medicine for the Wealthy
Supreme Quart Could Ban Beer on School Nights
Morality play could backfire on puritans
in Hops Till You Drop
Congress Missing in Fact-Finding Trip to Elbe
Napoleon’s haunt good place to store gold?
in The Joys of Off-Shore Banking
Plus a whole lot more to eat, drink, roll in and be afraid to approach.
Tune in the next time you’re on-line. Bookmark us!
Sun Vodka Takes the Sting Out of Winter!
Does your monthly bar bill leave you in a lurch? Well get off your duff and take control of your drinking! Our easy four-step distillation and circumnavigation method will keep your glass full and your senses distracted until better days come along.
It’s simple. You’ll need a three-pint jar and one or two potatoes, some water, sun and a little faith in science and metaphysics.*
fig # 1
fig # 2
First: Submerge potato** in 3 pints of water (figure one). Secure lid tightly. Place in the direct sunlight (figure two). Then wait three days (slightly less in altitudes over 7,000 feet). Garnish with potato wedge or olives – Enjoy! (figure three).
Capsulized version for those on the go:
1. potato in water in sun (Colorado has 322 sunny days per year. Choose a good one).
fig. # 3
2. Wait three days
3. Serve ice-cold in chilled martini glass. Garnish with potato wedge and or olives. Put on your drinking clothes and enjoy.
*Chanting or praying over the three-pint mixture has been found to do nothing for quality, taste or enhancement of distillation process.
**One potato per assigned liquid is recommended although two potatoes will increase potency to around 110-proof. Best if used by 2150.
PINK FLOYD TAKES EXCEPTION TO CHINESE LUNAR PROBE
Far Side of the Moon? Pardon me
(LONDON) The much beloved rock and roll band, Pink Floyd, has no problem with people walking all over the moon. Whether they are American, Russian, Chinese or Martian makes no difference to the musical group that claims millions of listeners down here on earth.
What Pink Floyd does not appreciate is the reference to the Far Side of the Moon that, according to photos taken by the Chng’e 4 Rover, is not dark at all. Besides squashing legends akin to green cheese and the man in the moon, the soft touchdown on the lunar surface confirms the impossibility of direct communication from the earth.
“The far side of the moon always points away from the earth leading early astronomers to refer to it as the dark side of the moon,” said a Chinese astronaut who expects to land on the lunar surface sometime in 2019. “We love Pink Floyd but the lyrics in Dark Side of the Moon are incorrect!”
Claiming poetic license, Pink Floyd does not want to made out to be liars or lose the allegiance of its fan base due to “petty observations and the opinion of those who would discredit musical adaptation and mild reference to concepts held deep in our hearts and accepted in our vernacular.”
The Chang’e 4 landed in the Von Karman Crater in December, a landmark located on the far side of the celestial body. Scientists in Shanghai say they hope to further study the surrounding dirt and subsurface and send back photos proving there is no real dark side of the moon.
And this on the heels of the lunar development space explorers at Kepler Mission K2 say they have discovered an entire new world out of reach of our solar system. Called K2288Bb the project has detected countless planets and stars unknown to man before this date.
“Many of these planets could support life,” said a Kepler spokesperson. “This is an exiting discovery although it may take centuries to determine just what we have found here.”
-Tommy Middlefinger
No Lie Zone Riles Kellyanne, Huckabee Woman
An unprecedented No Lie Zone, banning both Kellyanne Conway and the Sarah Huckabee Sanders from the press conference microphone goes into affect this afternoon after much blind whining and tweeting by the Oval Office.
Calling his close advisors good Christians, the extramarital chief executive blasted the action taken by what he called “rogue factions of the U.S. military” over the weekend.
These two women are gold, “the last of the loyal,” said Trump. “Liars have long noses. I don’t see any long noses here.”
The Air Force decided on the restrictions after burgeoning mistruths and childish explanations continued to flow from the two spokespersons. The No Lie Zone will be conducted much like a No Fly Zone that prohibits certain movements and access to conventional response.
“Farfetched tales emanating from this den of thieves would make Pinocchio blush,” said an unidentified source investigating Donald Trump’s golf handicap.
Both Kellyanne and Huckabee have been nominated to the prestigious Liar’s Hall-of-Fame in Truth or Consequences NM. In the recent past the honor has been bestowed on such great liars as Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin and Richard Nixon. Until 2009 the “society” was strictly men-only but due to pressure from the Obama Administration women are now eligible for induction.
“Sometimes it is difficult to separate the blatant lies from genetic stupidity,” continued the handicap scrutinizer, who shared concerns that Trump aides and devotees are worse than the product they support.
“Turning one’s attention away from criminals does nothing for the duped,” he added. “Is deceit now the business of the day?”
Meanwhile Mike Pence announced he would opt out on his final two years of WH eligibility and enter an assisted living agreement with Madame Tussauds Wax Museum for treatment in February. “Let’s just say he’s not joining the staff,” said a bystander familiar with the alteration.
– Small Mouth Bess
“Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.”
― George Orwell, 1984
