All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Vegan Cows Threatened by Deli Opening

(Wimpton) Organic ranchers up and down the valley remain apprehensive with the opening of Fatso’s Deli just weeks away. The new eatery, which features “a meaty fare”, threatens the cosmic flow in the otherwise vegetarian stronghold.

At best most other residents are oblivious to the lifestyle conflict, preferring to dwell on their own putrid lives and wishing they were on television. County commissars, who approved the restaurant so as to collect “the burgeoning tax revenues of legend and lore”, fear or their pancake jobs while a potential range war threatens to engulf the landlocked region.

“We are fearful of the violence that may ensue,” said Earl MacAdoo who, with his half-sister Moo (pronounced Maw) has operated For Goodness Sake Farms near Mescaline Flats since the cows came home.

Meanwhile lawyers for Fatso’s say the cows have been mollycoddled for too long.

“It’s time they got off the gravy train and found real work,” said Smiles Healy of Judge and Jury Associates, the firm representing the deli.

“I never thought I’d see the day the city people would succeed at placing meatballs on the registry of endangered species,” spat MacAdoo.  “And what’s all this chatter about the cows coming home? Happy cows don’t wander off in the first place. The few that do end up in the gutter or working for the gov’ment.”

Moo echoed these anxieties warning that the deli will be a really bad influence her cows.

“How you gonna keep ‘em down on the farm after they’ve seen German potato salad?” she crooned. “I often wonder how the pastrami would fare after a well-choreographed stampede.

– Chicken Fried Jake

“You make me feel so Jung”  – Sigmund Freud

Wigs and Ale in Dublin City

This fine pub near St. Steven’s Green in Dublin (Republic of Ireland) offers wigs and blended spirits. It is common knowledge that they rarely get so much as a hair in your pint. (O’Toole World Photo Service Severely Limited)

AMERICAN ASTERISKS OPENS IN MONTROSE

(Kinikin Heights) The announcement that American Asterisks will set up shop near Montrose has brought joy to the hearts of many residents, after a long, harsh winter.

The massive plant, not a result of any bumbling committees or clueless councils of economic development, brings 40 new jobs at good wages say spokespersons for the information technology firm.

“Now the public can get asterisked without traveling all the way to Durango,” said a source at American Asterisks. “Convenience and low prices are our mantra.”

Historically, the asterisk has stood for omitted matter or an annotation of some regard. Persons wishing to assume that distinction can simply apply for an asterisk next to their name then pick it up in 10 – 20 working days. The symbol can then be linked to phone numbers, mindless passwords and even one’s Sociable Security card for no apparent reason.

“Our company’s well-won slogan: “Separating the insignificant from the insignificant” is alive and well in Western Colorado,” said the spokesperson. Persons looking for our facility should turn right on Question Mark Place, and then a hard left at Hyphen Road and another on Apostrophe Terrace. We are located at 86 Semi Colon Boulevard (5566229988663322 Road).

First visitors through the door will receive a Corey Gardener bobble head and all the asterisks they can carry.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

SKIBEREEN

O, Father dear, I ofttimes heard you talk of Erin’s Isle
Her valleys green, her lofty scene, her mountains rude and wild
You said it was a pleasant place wherein a prince might dwell
Why have you then forsaken her, the reason to me tell?

My son, I loved our native land with energy and pride
Until a blight fell on the land and sheep and cattle died
The rents and taxes were to pay, I could not them redeem
And that’s the cruel reason why I left Old Skibbereen

It’s well I do remember on a bleak November’s day
The landlord and his agent came to drive us all away
He set my house on fire with his demon yellow spleen
And that’s another reason why I left Old Skibbereen

Your mother, too, God rest her soul, lay on the snowy ground
She fainted in her anguish of the desolation round
She never rose, but went her way from life to death’s long dream
And found a quiet grave, my boy, in lovely Skibbereen

It’s well I do remember the year of forty-eight
When we arose with Erin’s boys to fight against our fate
I was hunted through the mountains as a traitor to the Queen
And that’s another reason that I left Old Skibbereen

Oh father dear, the day will come when vengeance loud will call
And we’ll arise with Erin’s boys and rally one and all
I’ll be tbe man to lead the van, beneath our flag of green
And loud and high we’ll raise the cry, “Revenge for Skibbereen!”

– Paddy Moloney

MUSIC: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cj4ifPsTe2I

—APOLOGY—

Last month the San Juan Horseshoe incorrectly reported that residents of Crested Butte, Lake Irwin, Gothic and Jack’s Cabin could receive their annual giardia shots at the Animal Hospital at Crested Butte on Mondays and Wednesdays from 9 am till noon on May 6.
The release should have read Mondays and Tuesdays through May 13. Sorry for any inconvenience. The baby journalist who filed the story has been fired, her ancestral home at Meridian Lake burned to the ground.

Patients are again reminded to shun alcoholic beverages for at least three weeks prior to subjecting themselves to this litigious and experimental witchcraft. Residents of Crested Butte, Rosebud Gulch, Pittsburg and Elkton can procure giardia shots for a nominal fee at any of the St. Roscoe clinics that tend to overpopulate the Upper Gunnison Valley. These lucky few are not required to avoid alcohol in any form, in fact they are encouraged to drink large quantities of the stuff prior to the immunization.

State mulls allocating DUI profits for 550 fix

(Denver)  Department of Transportation officials today confirmed that the agency is considering the use of DUI profits to repair Highway 550 in Western Colorado.

The announcement, which reportedly caught many bureaucrats off guard, comes as a result of a spike in traffic fatalities from Montrose to Farmington, New Mexico. The highway, which was built to handle far less traffic than it accommodates today, has been called outdated, dangerous and often subject to serious congestion at rush hour times.

“There are lots of bad stretches beyond Red Mountain, Molas and Coal Bank Passes,” said one C-Dot engineer. Two-lane roads abound and are often negotiated by urban drivers not accustomed to lower speed limits, winter conditions and no passing zones.”

The sum of said funds, acquired through the enforcement of drunk driving laws, was not disclosed although insiders suggest that it is “quite a bundle”. No one in the extended gov’ment seems to know where the funds reside and what they were used for up until now.

“Even after everyone gets his cut we still have a surplus,” continued the source. “We have already spent an immoral amount on the militarization of police departments.”

Some small Colorado towns now boast of police departments loaded with armored vehicles, assault weaponry and arsenals that compete with the standing armies of small African nations.

The earmarking of funds for highway restoration is a complex maneuver requiring extensive study. This commitment to safety and well-being may require months of lunches, fact-finding vacations and closed-door contract bids.

“We owe a debt to the brave, albeit stupid, drivers who get behind the wheel after a beer or two,” explained the transportation source. Without them we wouldn’t be able to proceed on this life and death crusade.”

-Kashmir Horseshoe