All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
NEW TRAIL SHOE INCLUDES SCOOPER
(Crested Butte) The newly released Wikee Air Crested Butte trail running shoe is outfitted with an Al Gore liner, an aerosol cushioning system and advanced traction. It also has an innovative, built-in pooper scooper for use by the responsible mountain runner.
Developers of the shoe felt that since they were marketing it in alpine areas the design and use should reflect year-round mountain living.
“If there’s anything year-round about this place it’s dog tailings, as canine road and meadow muffins are often called locally, said one marketing agent from the big city. “We just hope all this publicity doesn’t bring more dogs to Crested Butte.”
The pooper scoop is reportedly built directly into the bottom of the shoe. It attracts the less than desirable substance then stores it for up to 24-hours before aroma comes into play. The subtle and environmentally sound addition is not visible nor will it influence the runner’s performance. In addition, it will not adversely affect the health of other animals, including deer and elk.
“Sure, we’ve seen lots of shoes that will effectively pick up poop but they’re not the answer since the stuff falls off at will, often at inappropriate intervals,” said a local source. “This product does it all and terminates the need for high altitude athletes to keep their eyes on the ground.”
A spokesman for Nike had no comment when asked to elaborate on reputed plans to create a soft-soled, vacuum loafer for 2023.
“The trail shoes are a start but the chronic problem is irresponsible pet owners,” said one councilman. “Many of our newer residents think they are living out in the country and the inclusion of a dog in their portfolio is simply a logical step. What they don’t seem to realize is that Crested Butte is urban. There is no room.”
– Melvin Toole
The inherent beauty of satire is that the target often does not have the skill set to be offended.
– Uncle Pahgre, Poor Farm.
El cambio de marca de Gunnison como paraíso tropical en cesto
(Ohio Park) Gunnison es muchas cosas, pero una de ellas no es tropical. Eso es lo que los líderes cívicos han descubierto aquí a pesar de los intentos de convencer al público de lo contrario. Las temperaturas de verano celestiales, los árboles autóctonos y la amenaza de la nieve han sacado a la comunidad de la carrera por un paraíso tropical.
A la mayoría de la gente de North Main Street le gusta así.
“Nunca cambiaremos nuestro clima de verano y el invierno ya no es tan frío”, dijo un residente de toda la vida en la fila del almuerzo gourmet en Firebrand Deli. “El otoño es perfecto y la guarida de primavera realmente apesta, pero estamos bien con la vida al aire libre”.
Los intentos de completar la temporada intermedia que a menudo acecha pueden haber sido loables, pero nunca funcionaron. Incluso los turistas pueden leer un termómetro.
“Esta manipulación de negocios tropicales ni siquiera funciona en julio”, dijo un ganadero al norte de la ciudad. Simplemente estresa a las vacas “.
Fuentes de la industria de viajes estuvieron de acuerdo con los resultados del cambio de marca fallido, lo que refuerza la cruda realidad de que Gunnison no tiene playa, monos ni siquiera una palma. Los mangos no crecen aquí y una persona puede quedarse atrapada en la nieve los 12 meses del año.
“Tenemos una ciudad bonita aquí y no conocemos todos estos cambios”, continuó el ranchero. “Y hay una zona de esquí a 30 millas de distancia”.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
Rook to Pawn to Bishop
“There were thirst and hunger, and you were the fruit
There were grief and ruins, and you were the miracle.”
– Pablo Neruda, on the plight of refugees and soluble immigration on the US border,
Perhaps the Catholic bishops in the US should address the subject of its sexually abusive priests and wealth accumulated by fear, before attempting to crucify yet another person (depriving practicing Catholic, President Joe Biden, the rite of Communion) who disagrees with their worn and irresponsible dogma on the subject of abortion rights. These clerics belong in the Dark Ages. They are the Fallen Angels, desperately trying to hold onto their gold as they descend.
Bad rosin bags blamed for losses
(Denver) Decomposed, often spoiled rosin bags handled by the Colorado Rockies’ relief staff are being blamed for a string of blown saves at Coors Field.
The bags, filled with powdered resin from pine trees, are designed to enhance a pitcher’s performance while on the mound. However, according to baseball experts “the employment of rancid or bad rosin can have adverse effects causing inconsistencies, lack of concentration and general wildness on the part of otherwise stable hurlers.”
The often diagnosed respiratory problem, says the front office “is particularly acute in the later innings when relief pitchers are most active especially when afternoon heat or evening shadows come into play.”
Officials within the Rockies’ organization have been searching for some explanation as to poor relief pitching performances of late which have taken the club out of contention. Plans to secure new rosin bags are in the works but with plummeting beer sales and a demanding payroll it will be weeks before they can be secured. Selling advertising space on the bases and charging extra for mustard at the hot dog stand has been discouraged by the league probably won’t provide measurable new revenues.
Asked why the presence of bad rosin bags has not resulted in a breakdown in opposing bullpens, a Rockies’ spokesman said he was looking into that.
“Maybe they bring their own,” he said, “or load up the ball with chew or some other controlled substance when the umpire isn’t looking.”
– Signelle de Bushe
Feasts Commemorate Monster Stalin’s Journey to Hell
The 67th Annual Celebration observing the death of Russian dictator Joseph Stalin on March 5, 1953 will be held on September 5 at Kiev Hall in Gladstone. The popular festival with full-contact grouse wrangling, Beet and Sour Cream Jubilee and colorful otter egg hunt, had been rescheduled due to social distancing concerns, complications and potential conflicts with the Corona Virus. Ethnic music, regional cuisine and native dance will be part of this year’s event. Come on up but bring your mask and measuring tape!
