All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
WINTER STEW
Attention organ donors: Please use back steps during all future charitable endeavors and deliveries. The front door in the strip mall is too tight and cannot accommodate larger musical gifts. Sorry but we will not be accepting any pianos in 2018 since they are the instrument if the devil and all. Rev. Ed, Temple of the Metaphysical Constipation and Induced Remorse .
Conversational English for native English speakers will feature the workshop “Butchering Idioms” with Efram Pennywhistle and his orchestra sometime in March, either in Gunnison or Hinsdale County. No one will be permitted into or out of the hall after the performance begins. This means you.
The Trigger Finger Saloon in Cahone will not longer be serving food in the existing dining room so as to give our customers more room to fight. Not associated with the Little Chef or The Lariat Lounge.Thanks.
CHECK OUT Our Famous Tri-Annual – Off -Season Sale on Fly Parts, new and used .Hard to get parts, rebuilt wings, parts for large flies, legs, head replacements. Sorry we can no longer guarantee the reconditioned transmissions or visual apparatus in the model F Horsefly 400, Series 1963–1968. If one has to live with flies at least live with serious renovations/replicas.
Lost: Silver hood ornament from a 1955 Chrysler New Yorker in Montrose crosswalk Friday. Child’s pet. Reward for return. M. Toole, Wimpton Bait and Tickle.
Need ghost writer(s) to help create at least 50 Utah jokes for my new book entitled Fifty Utah Jokes. No mumbo-jumbo. Mack the Hack, Box 86, Pine Syrup, MI.
Will trade tickets to Barbara Streisand/Iron Maiden Concert for small caliber handgun. Blind Box 444, Horseshoe.
Mail order brides from Mars and Venus. Many domesticated. Send for brochure. Be sure to state galactic and gender preference. Ben Gamone Astral World III, KC, MO 64141
The Department of the Interior is downloading your National Forests! What can you do to stop this senseless sell-out of our natural resources? Send $15 to Can’t See the Forest Fer the Trees, 24 Erosive Circles, Armageddon, Utah
Yoga Flagpole sitting by the week or the month. It’s the ultimate Rocky Mountain High! Classes forming Tuesday. Nets available too. Colona Grapevine Vacations.
Found: Do you own a 1955 Chrysler New Yorker that is missing a silver hood ornament? If so please call St. Roscoe’s Hospital ASAP. It was surgically removed, only this morning from the posterior of a crosswalk pedestrian who should have looked both ways. Contact Dee Catheters in Bionics.
Need self-starter to teach engine block and hillbilly English to illegal employees over at Testosterone Brothers Slaughterhouse. I would do it myself but it conflicts with the evening happy hour. Mabelle, Pitkin.
2017 Tiny Reindeer Jerky will not go on sale until at least February 31. We have only seven this year and are not currently accepting new customers for next year. Please, no more phone calls until after June 1, 2018. Sandra Claus, North Pole.
Annual Bankruptcy Party. Tuxedos mandatory. Can you really prove that we have your money? Who’s On First National Bank, Next to Salvation Temple #5, Wimpton Superplex. No credit cards accepted.
Bright energetic swordsman needed for capon sessions. Must have own car and cutlery. Ima Hostess, Ltd., Manana, CO.
There will be a potluck held at Pea Green Academy on March 15 for all deer and elk displaced by the recent farmer’s season. All proceeds go toward hunter education classes in the fall. Thank you.
Is Karaoke getting under your skin? Together we can put an end to this and other mad, senseless noise in what should be a quiet dive bar. Interested? Send SASE to Quiet Down and Drink International, Milli Vanilli, 1234 Mr. Microphone Blvd. Aurora, CO.
Certified and bonded brakeman with sunny disposition and no felonies will break horses, dishes, wind, simultaneously or at the same time. Small fee for carfare. Blind Box 45, Horseshoe.
For sale: Plastic vomit “prop”. Used only once during fraternity pledge drive. Will trade for bi-focal ski goggles, in-dash microwave oven, and three pool table legs. Act today and I will throw in a one-legged parrot (goes with the pool table) and some old mounting goats that I have lying around here somewhere. Herb Ditchwater, Out Back, CO.
Doublewide? Stop drinking pop. – a friend
Sick of raking leaves? For one small fee we will cut down all of your trees and be done with it for generations to come. Wanderlust Organic Demolition. See our ad in the Jello Pages.
Bach Worship? Uptight piano seeks tough love counselor. Antique. Obsessive-compulsive key counting disorder, fear of benches, guilt over the demise of exotic beasts. The usual. Correspondence accepted at 22 Toole Gardens, on the dump road in Manana.
Insignificant pawn seeks kings, queens, knights and bishops for possible winter games/romance. No rooks. Vegetarians considered. Checkmate Services. Must be 21 years of age or have note from your cat.
Odor eaters anonymous meets every Friday and the LaVeta Hotel in Gunnison.
Free to a good home: “Warren” our often-loving quarter horse-pit bull mix. Wonderful with children if they are not home. Good lap companion just so long as one does not wake him. “Needs his space”. He eats too much for us to keep him. Amanda “The Panda” Phlake, Hotchkiss Sweet Meats.
Earn minimum wage working in a multi-million dollar Fortune 500 company. Glamour, advancement potential, travel, free parking, annual charity potlucks, ham on Christmas. Send resume to American Solutions Inc., c/o Dr. Ima Nuff, Patriarch.
The United States Homeland Security Agency is looking for security associates to find bombs and other contraband on passengers who have already paid outrageous airfare. Incompetent? No worries! No experience necessary. We will train. Badge and uniform for small administrative fee. No international terrorists with weapons or little town grandmas smuggling marijuana will pass! See Mr. Glick at the Wimpton Airlift Hollandaise Inn between March 26 and the end of the world.
Gold Digger SWSB seeks wealthy petrified sponsor for coming summer season. Interests include eating out, recreational drugs and solo overnight trips to Vail. Need own living quarters and private entrance. Access to credit cards and checkbook a definite plus. In return will keep the vehicles filled with gas, will go to liquor store daily and operate remote control on TV. Older gentlemen only please. Send complete financial statement and round-trip airline ticket to Rosie Mogul, 33 Milk Avenue, CB, CO
Kittens for Easter! $550. Don’t wait. At these prices they won’t be around come Mother’s Day and, we don’t have to tell you, the price will be higher in 2019. Yes, we still have a few carloads of wet, dirty newspapers at $150 per pound; earwig infested army tarps: $600 (2 for $1300); used vacuum cleaner bags (full): $800; Mildewed blankets and baby clothes starting around $1000. Much more. Free hot dogs for the kiddies. Catastrophe Realty. 3655882299775544 Road, Olathe. Honk. We got mean dogs and the front lawn is mimed. No Czechs accepted. No Irish.
2019 calendars for sale. Could be worth millions if the world ends in 2018. Syd Fahrtdt, Sassafras Pass.
Warning: Snowmaking operations will continue as scheduled on Molas. Coal Bank, Red Mountain, Wolf Creek and Lizard Head Passes unless otherwise posted. Indications are that the snow will be white. Colorado Ski Country.
So what if the dollar is going down? SEND TREASURY DEPARTMENT SPAM-O-GRAMS this winter! 10% of all net sales will be donated toward balancing the federal budget. Get real! Everyone loves Spam-o-Grams!
International Corporations are Un-American. They answer to no gov’ment and turn your natural resources into plastic cell phones and molybdenum bird baths. Learn Baby Learn, Bear’s Ears, Utah
Need persistent man or woman to sell New York Yankees caps in Colombia. Celery and commission to right person. Jeepers Jeters, Florida Marlins.
Wanted: Persons interested in recycling Pizza Huts, McDonalds, Burger Kings, Taco Bells and Applebee’s into alpine pastures, white sand beaches, thriving wetlands and flowing prairies. Particularly seeking people with access to demolition equipment and recipients of explosives training c/o the U.S. military. See April any day but today over the lunch hour under the Chipeta Land Bridge.
Oral Roberts was a cheerleader before he underwent a sect change operation! Get it? Thousands of great jokes like this one can be right on the tip of your lips. Preachers, teachers, politicians, speechwriters, college professors, salesmen, barbers…anyone with a mouth can benefit tomorrow! Cheap. Cole D. Sack Press, Sand Creek, CO.
Lost: King-size waterbed on Ohio Pass. Call Flo on the other side.
Free to good home: Custom made dentures. I hate the bastards. Acquired in 1979 and used only during meals since that time. Tobacco chewer preferred. Mona Fange, Sapinero Beach Estates.
We think one of your livestock needs a talk show of his or her very own. What do you think? Imagine one of your bovines sitting cross-legged discussing weight loss techniques or a rooster at the end of his seat praising great literature! Dogs and cats eligible too! Send $35 for starter kit to Melvin O’Toole, Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427.
Notice: The Information Highway running from Mack, Colorado to Garden City, Kansas will be closed for paving operations through May. Please arrange to take a detour on roads less traveled during the height of the American civilization, before computers ran everything and people were taught to ignore their instincts in favor of instructions printed in Chinese. Your friends at Colorado Division of Transcendentalism, Denver.
LAME DUCK PRESIDENTS CALENDAR FOR 2018. $50 to Kid Riyadh Productions. Allow 12 months for delivery. Please send references to Hillary Clinton, Rich Attorneys For a Better America, 37 Wall Mart Circle, Whitewater, Arkansas.
For sale: 2008 Corvette – $200 or best offer. Cigarette lighter doesn’t work and although I would never even think of smoking tobacco it’s ruined in my mind. One of the tires is leaking too and the windshield is dirty. Muffy at extension 4, in Aspen or call my cell phone in Vail.
Get a jump on the holidays in 2018! Early morning Santa needed for 1935 department store. No drunks. Must enjoy squealing children and consumerism. Scenes in black and white only. Apply at Who’s On First National Bank Lobby.
Unchain my heart but chain up your bald tires at Tyrone’s Sassafras Pass Gas. Just say “Lift me up, Tyrone.” Happy spring.
Hey St. Valentine: Yo dude.
Vegetarian will trade cow for magic beans. Offer good weekends only. I work during the week. Rudolph.
Rocky Mountain Oyster cufflinks…The perfect gift for the gourmet on your Valentines lisp. $15 at Big Bart’s Back Porch Sushi, next to Ben Gray’s Wild West Show.
Why kill a turkey or a pig for Easter dinner when fish sticks are already dead? – Manny, Holiday Diner’s Quadrant, Chama.
The Fear List (continued)
The updated roster of things to be afraid of compliments of
your feral government/the Trump Administration.
611. Identity theft
612. Terrorists
613. High cholesterol
614. The Devil
615. Serious hot dog consumption
616. West Nile Virus
617. Bees
618. Government buildings
619. Black men driving around in cars at night
620. erectile dysfunction
621. illegal aliens
622. Other terrorists
623. terrorists with their dogs off the leash
624. altered fruits and vegetables
265. second-hand smoke
626. broken glass
627. visible panty lines
628. A Black or Woman Democrat in the White House
629. Shiites
670. Low blood sugar
671. More terrorists
672. Alien terrorists
673. tsunamis
674. new age ideas
675. home-grown terrorists
676. habeas corpus
677. those awful environmentalists
688. bears
689. liberals in sheep’s clothing
Continued on page 41
Commissioners Reject Road Guards
(Silverton) The addition of proposed metal traffic guards along portions of Molas and Coal Bank Passes was firmly rejected 4 -1, with Commissioner Faith Hope, of Hope’s Church Supply casting the single vote in favor of the project.
The other Commissioners, Harry Altman of Harry’s Towing and Auto Wrecking, George Poindexter III of Silver Lining Funeral Home, Dr. Samuel Butcher of Four Corner’s Hospital and Ves Smith of Smith’s Ambulance Service all felt that the guards were an unnecessary expense.
Readers will note that Butcher and Smith will begin their respective tenures in October but were allowed a practice vote on this measure to better prepare them for their coming terms.
– Donald Powers Jr.
“Three of my favorite pursuits were recently thwarted when I was refused employment by the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.”
– General Kashmnir Horseshoe, Cavalry CSA 1861-1863) and Artillery, US Army (1864-1865) retired.
CURE FOR MAD DRUGSTORE COWBOY DISEASE YEARS OFF SAYS DOC
(Ridgway) Dedicated researchers throughout the West have spent decades pouring over mounds of data. Hospitals have built wings dedicated to finding a cure. Pickups have more than doubled in price. Cow pies are still cow pies. A horses’ ass is still a horses’ ass.
Local medico, Efram Pennywhistle, a former PRCA rodeo trainer, says the disease will be around for years.
“There’s nothing really wrong with dressing up like a cowboy if it turns you on,” says the always-fashionable Pennywhistle,”just so long as the pretenders remember to where skivvies under their chaps in public and don’t bother the local herd animals.”
Recently real cowpunchers have been confused with the drugstore variety, who wear spurs to the grocery and keep swallowing their chew. Most are unable to saddle a blanket much less a horse says Pennywhistle.
“I suppose in a tourist area it’s far better to have drugstore pards loitering around doing rope tricks than to have suburban refugees in hiking boots running for public office,” he spat.
Pennywhistle then terminated the conversation saying that one pearl-studded hero couldn’t get his new boots off and he was needed in surgery.
– Bart Maverick
“The one who passes through the meshes of the net can do nothing for the one who is caught.”
– Ferdinand Kaisergruber in We Will Not Go to Tuapse.
Armed robberies down above 5000 feet
(Montrose)) The number of armed robberies committed above 5,000 feet are down from previous months. A major reason, according to law enforcement findings, is the increase in traffic with the onset of winter.
“Imagine trying to maneuver a getaway vehicle with all that traffic on South Townsend,” said one officer.
“Even if the culprit got on the by-pass or tried to negotiate East Niagara he’d be easy pickings for our federally allocated security net,” said another.
Other sources say the drop off has to do with the still lagging real economy and the distractions of the times.
“Remember those two crooks the cops nailed at the Friendly Corner Bar moments after they robbed the Who’s on First National Bank in February?” one security guard asked. “They might have gotten away easily if they hadn’t seen the sign for happy hour and stopped to play cops and robbers video games.”
Another view of these proceedings suggests that armed robbers are thwarted by the fact that there is nothing of worthwhile value on the shelves. Social scientists and political watchdogs agree that the White Collar criminals have already made off with game-changing treasures, leaving little behind but a cheap tools, makeup or groceries. It’s a knick-knack or a 12-pack world and consensus has it that it could get wild horse worse before it returns to the stable.
“I ain’t going to jail for no domestic beer,” quipped one shoplifter, known for stuffing his socks full of premium miniatures, then buying cheap wine as a cover.
A spokesman for the city said bank robberies have always been a part of our Western heritage.
“Although the temptation is greatest around the holidays we are seeing signs that the practice has taken on year-round ramifications. The perception of a bank full of dollars is just too much for some of us.”
Whatever the causes and ramifications for the disruption of social order the public has been reassured that televised law and order reigns.
“We are happy with the news that these kinds of crimes appear to be diminishing,” said one councilperson here, “but I’d keep my money in my boot and my car door locked just in case.”
– Fred Zeppelin
“Our politicians point the finger south to avoid pointing it at the noses and veins and mouths of their constituents.” – More Terrible Than Death – Violence, Drugs and America’s War in Colombia, published 2001.
