All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Deer and elk not in compliance
(Ridgway) Wild herd animals residing in the mountains near here continue to be uncooperative in the efforts to keep the local park free of debris, especially of the fecal nature. Currently dog owners appear willing to pick up after their pets, whose numbers, compared to the those of deer and elk that use the facility, are paltry.
The city has posted popper units and paper pickup supplies at the park’s scoop stations. They have even posted the familiar: “It’s the Law” threat but the response has lingered well behind since the perpetrators have no money.
“It’s disgusting,” said one resident. “There’s poop everywhere. Don’t these animals have any pride, any restraint?”
DOW officials, consulted on how to solve these pressing problems, confirmed reports that they had no specific fix in mind.
“We have the same trouble up above timber line with the fragile tundra at risk,” said one ranger. “Our little signs keep 200-pound people honest but have little if any effect on 2000-pound elk. I think it’s time we give it up.”
A March study is on the docket to determine exactly how much of the problem is being created by the elk and deer and what to write off as human error. If the crisis continues the wild animals may be banned from the park in 2019.
Horseshoe Readership Figures Disputed
(Colona) Dead people, ghost towns, morgues, fictitious literary characters, cartoons and in one case an entire hotel registry of guests from 1898 have allegedly been claimed as regular readers in the latest San Juan Horseshoe demographics survey released this week.
Along with these fringe aficionados of refried news the paper claimed 350 readers in tiny Maher, which boasts a population of 20, 7500 readers in Naturita and over 12,000 readers overseas despite the fact that there is no mailing receipt or any indication that the paper has left the country.
In addition the publisher has named included his mother on the subscriber list at least 30 times and claims regular perusal by dogs, cats, livestock and exotic birds.
“How they got hold of the team rosters for the NHL, NFL and NBA is anyone’s guess,” said investigating officers sent to Colorado by the FCC. “Claims that all of the players read every issue are common balderdash.”
The principals at the paper face prosecution for misleading advertisers, mail fraud, and illegal dumping.
“We became suspicious when the Horseshoe readership figures outpaced massive urban dailies like the New York Times and the San Francisco Chronicle,” said one of the federal snoops. “In one case the Western Colorado flyer registered digestion levels higher than the Denver Post and added that its pages were interpreted by “a high percentage of the filthy rich.”
Publisher General Kashmir Horseshoe told the press that he expects to beat the mail fraud rap but that the littering infractions might stand.
“We can’t deny hard evidence like the papers in the Uncompahgre River but I expect that our sales associates will go on lying to advertisers just like before. In over 42 years of publication “dressing up the truth” and “painting pretty pictures” has become tradition and is still in vogue.”
Horseshoe went on to say that there is no proof that the dead cannot read and that hundreds of tropical birds and puppies often catch a glance of headlines or scan the obituaries while doing their business.
“They represent documented readers,” he laughed. “Many, in fact are contributors as well.”
– Small Mouth Bess
You write the caption and win!
Help us write an appropriate caption for the above photo. Look closely and you will see who is who. 4 main characters are missing from the photo. Hint: Hollywood set in 1938.
Ghost of Elvis Sets Hot Springs Tour
(Ouray) An upsurge in reported sightings of the Ghost of Elvis is a clear indication that he about to embark on the annual Hot Springs Tour according to parapsychologists here. Some 30 appearances of the hip-swaying apparition have been chronicled since the first of the year, up 75% since December.
“Elvis is the eternal showman,” said Dr. E. B. Tinkleholland, chair at the Table Mountain Institute in Boulder. “He knows better than to try to compete with other celebrity energy is in the air. In death as in life The King seeks center stage,”
Residents here say Elvis has visited both Box Canyon and the Wiesbaden with short touchdowns at Orvis and the Hot Springs Pool after dark. Guests and staff at these facilities say that the phantom has yet to submerge itself into the water preferring to hover above dressed in a plaid kilt, bow tie and white dress shirt. Although harmless to date the spirit has created quite a stir when popping up among unsuspecting soakers.
“We were sitting in the pool at about dusk when the wind picked up and some light snow began to fall,” said one guest at Orvis Hot Springs near Ridgway. “Suddenly a shadowy figure appeared across the water, maybe ten feet away. He was singing the familiar “Are you lonesome tonight?” to all of the ladies present. As one might imagine the visit created quite a stir and the pool emptied quickly.”
The Ghost of Elvis near a pool at Bath, England in 2004. Parapsychologists in Colorado have been charting reported sightings in hopes of more closely monitoring ghostly movements attributed to The King this winter. While most behavior is quite predictable the phantom’s attempts to make a fashion statement with traditional plaids have thrown researchers for a loop.
Employees there say that upon closer examination they found nothing stranger than usual going on and concluded that whomever was singing had vacated the premises.
“We’re up to our necks in celebrities, “said one woman at the front desk. “It’s a normal occurrence and most of them attempt to disguise themselves so as to avoid unwanted publicity or attention. Besides in the San Juans these days everyone is a celebrity of some sort.”
She went on to admit that arriving in such a cadaverous state was a nice touch and that the special effects were quite impressive.
“We just wish he would have paid like everyone else,” she frowned.
If the ghost follows the agenda of past years he will spend about a week hanging around Ouray County before traveling to Dunton Hot Springs in Dolores County and Juanita Hot Springs, east of Gunnison. By February fans may have an excellent chance to see Elvis near Valley View at Saguache and Mt. Princeton Hot Springs in the Collegiate Range.
“We can’t guarantee anything,” said Tinkleholland. “Elvis has always had a mind of his own.”
Experts say this year’s ghost seems quite different than the spirit that visited last winter.
“In 2017 the Ghost of Elvis was angry, even vengeful, presumably over the settlement of his estate and the continued pirating of recordings in Third World countries,” said Tinkleholland. “At present he seems to have put these annoyances behind him and is a more lighthearted apparition.”
Despite mounds of data collected over the years and surveys conducted all over the globe researchers remain baffled as to the attire of this year’s Elvis.
“Where’s the glitter? asked the doctor. “We’ve never seen him in kilts before but the name Presley could be of Celtic stock. “It’s either that or he’s developed a fetish for parochial school uniforms. And what’s with the knee socks?”
Alien Landing Postponed
(Houston) Sources at NASA say projected alien landings were postponed so as to avoid conflicts with the holidays and that earthlings should be prepared for coordinated visits in late January.
According to data collected from satellites in outer space the aliens plan to land in Canada sometime in mid-winter. After securing a beachhead they will head south. Other contingents will focus on Europe and Asia.
“We have no idea if these are friendlies or if they intend to take over the planet by force,” said one scientist, “But the fact that they showed restraint over Christmas is a good sign.”
Doomsdayers disagree saying that the coordinated attack plans were still not formulated and that the aliens prefer a systematic, coordinated effort aimed at dominating the earth and its residents.
“We don’t think these beings are coming here to bring us fruit baskets,” said the member of one militant group who, along with his cohorts is stockpiling ammunition in apprehension of a battle of some sort.
A jumbled transmission, interrupted by space agencies here also suggests that the alien activity is of a social nature.
“We think the intruders are no more than alien college kids coming here for spring break,” said a press release received this morning. “In which case they may not be warriors at all but more along the line of party animals looking for a good time. In this case we should have about two months to prepare for their coming.”
What I’ve Found Out
with O’Toole of the Andes
Jobs in the cannabis and solar industries are more than coal and gas/oil drilling combined but they threaten Big Pharm and Petroleum profits so they are demonized by the right.
Driverless cars confuse the issue in Saudi Arabia. Prince hopes to reengineer country. Nascar popular/women drivers in Riyadh a new concept…
Allowing the Attorney General of the United States to own a private prison (for young Black men who plea bargained down on pot charges) isn’t just conflict of interest it’s like letting a coyote operate a chicken processing plant and expecting him to adhere to health standards. – “Keebler the Elf”
Do you think that maybe there is a connection between the US presence in Poppy Heaven Afghanistan and the jump in heroin use in the United States? Remember when the CIA allowed the unblemished flow into Vietnam during the war there proving GIs were indeed expendable. During the Vietnam War it was easier to buy a bag of heroin than a bag of noodles.
Beginning a statement with “Look…” used to be considered rude and condescending.
Sagebrush malts may hold key to longevity…but only if you stay high
Male dogs lie, so do politicians.
Nazis sent their mentally impaired to work camps. We just send ours back onto the streets.
Anti-Christ’s can be fat liars, ignorant plutocrats, and closet white supremacists.
Unicorns rarely fart rainbows
Most of the world spends a good chunk of the day standing around looking at each other waiting for something of marginal significance to happen. Others sit in offices trying to make it look like they are engaged in something. The rest sleep in the park.
Small batch hand grenades and crude cottage industry explosives, while considered overkill in most civilized societies, could be tastefully implemented when confronted with digital car alarm, barking ankle bitters and blaring radio stations in Armenia, Colombia.
Tropical/Samba makes me happy. Salsa makes me crazy.
Cowboys should be added to the Endangered Species roster.
In his farewell address, Ronald Reagan said this: “After 200 years, two centuries, [the United States] still stands strong and true on the granite ridge, and her glow has held steady no matter what storm. And she’s still a beacon, still a magnet for all who must have freedom, for all the pilgrims from all the lost places who are hurtling through the darkness, toward home.”
