All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Seeing Eye Boy Aids Lassie

(Irwin) Amos Ruthsatten isn’t ducking his responsibility where the well-loved pooch, Lassie, is concerned. The 12-year-old boy has dropped out of junior high school and quit his job at a local florist in order to turn his full attention to a now aging and all but blind Lassie.

Their unique relationship started when Amos’ father, Elroy Ruthsatten, almost squashed the famous TV dog with his backhoe last month.

“It was painfully obvious that Lassie was ready for the great beyond,” said the older Ruthsatten. “She could barely see the nose on her face.”

The younger Ruthsatten took to the blinded dog right off. Without his constant vigil her situation would be worse than hopeless.

When asked how he knew that the elderly collie was in fact the real Lassie of legend and lore Amos answered:

“All one has to do is talk to her. She remembers everything from the TV series in great detail. No other dog could know those things.”    

  – Axtelle LeFevre and Warren Bushings      

Russia Raises Vodka Prices

(Rahz Putin) On the heels of trade wars and sanctions The Kremlin has raised the price of the Russian high life, including vodka, the main ingredient in washing it all down.

Jacking up liquor prices is the latest in Moscow’s attempts to manipulate trade balances while controlling chronic alcoholism in the country. Good luck, Ivan! Although no actual numbers were introduced, it is surmised that the cost of a good sloppy drunk has just gone up.

Response from Tarskaya to Volgograd was hostile, especially in wetter quarters where many see vodka drinking as a necessary means to survive the harsh, gray winters. No one is beyond suspicion and vodkas distilled in other countries is expected to be hardest hit by the realignment.

The Russian government insured the populace that the problem had grown to crisis proportions and warned that if the people did not police themselves vodka distilleries would be destroyed and the fermentation of the intoxicant would be deemed illegal. Russian Prohibition? A field day for the crime syndicates would certainly follow.

“So what?” puffed Yuri Screwthecapov, in response to the official threat. “Most of what my friends and I drink is bootleg anyway. That stuff the government makes tastes like bark and old socks, though I must admit it carries quite a punch on an empty stomach.”

Opposition leaders were quick to jump on the move saying that it could lead to unrest at a particularly precarious time. Some say it is the final prelude to civil war in the former Soviet nation. Although prices have varied over the past decade they have remained stable, even lower, so far this year encouraging people to stock up on the drink at the expense of such items as meat, heating oil and baby formula.

“One must have priorities and stick to them,” stressed one imbiber.

Often made from potatoes and/or grain, Russian vodka is considered some of the best on the planet. Since 1917 leaders have viewed vodka, like Cuban rum, as a control mechanism although they knew the population was becoming addicted. Absenteeism at work and poor production were the first symptoms of the failed state methods.

“The concept of drinking responsibly has never been embraced, at least by the great unwashed here,” said Mikhail Kalashnikov, sipping a fine potato concoction with a plate of sturgeon in sour cream, across from the Kremlin. “Even in arctic weather we Russians prefer it straight and ice cold.”

Public apprehension that the government does not care about them continues to plague information offices and the enforcement of most laws in Russia. Years of totalitarian rule have left the populace lethargic and without direction…two social elements that have led to this threatening state of affairs. Termination drugs such as crack and meth have made little inroad due to the ritual abuse and hackled popularity of vodka.

“Those drugs are reserved for the Free World democracies,” explained a source.

The announcement comes at a particularly crucial time amid Russia’s attempts to placate the West while solidifying what is left of the former empire.

Once again the questions as to the sovereignty of Alaska have surfaced stirring and angry pot on the Bering Strait. For over a century, 151 years to be exact, the United States and its citizens have been under the assumption that they had purchased Alaska outright in 1867. Now, according to a yellowed copy of a Russian deed (the original was buried with none other than Gregori Rasputin in 1916) it appears that the 586,412 square miles was only leased for 150 years.

“The document looks real enough,” said a Danish negotiator, who is currently attempting to persuade the Trump Administration to purchase Greenland. “It is signed by William H. Seward and Alexander II.  If the U.S. had only filed the receipt we could settle this whole mess over a glass of vodka.”

While leaders in the US say the claim is a sham, insiders say Russian troops and tanks have been moving into Western Siberia since Saturday. Whether these soldiers brought enough vodka with them to sustain an invasion is not known. The experts doubt it.

The standoff, in a nutshell, comes down to this: Russia has filed a foreclosure notice on Alaska demanding that the current residents vacate the premises by 2025. The United States has pledged to defend the region which it insists was purchase for $7,200,000 (2-cents per acre) from the czarist government. It could get all too nuclear.

“Who in their right mind would sell land so cheap?” asked Vladimir Putin, current Russian leader and former director of the KGB. “The lease was some crazy Czar thing aimed at raising money to clean up his mess after the Crimean War. You don’t see deals like that, even in the current market.”

Newspaper reports that the former Bolshevik rulers plan to foreclose on the Alaska “loan” don’t help matters either.

Meanwhile Alaskans wait hoping that the whole matter will be forgotten. Some are concerned that they will have to make a choice between a new life in another Siberia or a return to the lower 48. Others have already begun studying their Russian dictionaries. Most are stockpiling ammunition.

One red-nosed man may have said it all when asked what was his greatest concern:

“If Russia takes Alaska back will we have to pay more for vodka too?” he asked.

– Fred Zeppelin

Man eating marmots still on lam

(Gunnison) With seasonably high waters interrupting the traditional food chain normally docile marmots have turned on college students to fill the void in their diet. Attributing a host of mysterious disappearances to the rodents local police have promised to track down the perpetrators and restore calm to this once sleepy campus.

     “The real problem here is that students are slow moving targets, easy prey for the fierce marmots,” said one officer investigating the case. “It’s easy enough to imagine a marmot pouncing on an unsuspecting student and dragging his victim into a hole. Although no one has actually recorded these acts of violence we have pieced together  scant clues and are inclined to believe the worse.”

     Items such as gloves, books and bits of hair have been introduced as exhibits in the recent indictment against the rodent population.

     “They may be attracted to bright colors and are almost certainly drawn to loud or obnoxious persons,” said the cop.

     Students have been warned not to go out alone after dark and not to talk to small fur-bearing animals until a solution can be formulated.

     Residents of the town, fearing for the safety of their families after the marmots run out of students, have armed themselves and vigilantes are on patrol from the Mountaineer Bowl to the Asinall-Wilson Center.

     In an official statement the controller’s office expressed fears of lost revenue if the reign of terror continues. Other sources at the college claim that it is tough to measure the extent of losses due to the practice of cutting classes this time of the year.

     “When we call the roll prior to class we can’t  really determine if an absent student has simply overslept or if he has been eaten for dinner. The local chapter of Save the Ravens says the marmot attacks are reprisals for student attacks on crows this spring.

     One academic department, that  of Applied Cannibalism, has already arranged to have 3000 pine beetles and another 200 tons of wood ticks, known delicacies within the marmot population, flown in by the weekend. This addition, combined with the contributions of local florists is expected to turn the tide until the blood lust is brought under control.

– Merv Ditchwater

Lower Blue Lakes. No snow. No mosqitoes?

Accessible from East Dalls/Willow Swamps or Yankee Boy Basin Blue Lakes offer a refuge from it all. It’s better to go during the week when there are fewer flies and the bear are working double shifts.

Fun Menu Ideas for the Welfare State

by Evelyn P. Throcmorton

If things are getting tight around your abode why not look around the room and discover potential culinary treasures that will bring back the joy to your dinner table. Get the whole family into the act. Mon, dad, junior, sis and even grandma can use their very own common sense to help develop a gracious dining pattern even when the wheels are falling off. Here is a sample menu made exclusively of household items that is sure to get you started on the road to good eating!

First, let’s try a sample question: What’s noisy and expensive and gets people in to trouble more than not?  Right…the instrument of chaotic intrusion…the cell phone. Why not “snip the wires” on yours today and eat it for lunch. Good idea, you say…why didn’t I think of that.

However, it’s not very easy. How does one prepare a cell phone for consumption? All you need is a little old-fashioned confidence and a can of lard. (Refer to The Five Chinese Plastic Food Groups for more). Cooking techniques vary with the individual whether in a five star kitchen or crouched in the hallway, knee deep in fortune cookies.

You can bake a cell phone or roast one. Frying it doesn’t work since the phone absorbs grease much like rumors and gossip. While steaming takes the wild taste out of the thing. it often leaves the meat rather tough and stringy. The best way to serve cell phone is boiled. I know it sounds boring but trust me it works out best in the end. Just put it in a saucepan with some sautéed teddy bears and an alarm clock or two (salt to taste). Kitchen match fondue recipe fits like a glove when we’re talking mind-altering tapas or simple criss-cut toilet paper sandwiches.

Some of these dust collector stews are featured in my first book The Pickled Welfare Worker. But now it’s time for our weekly card…our daily soft shoe.

MONDAY: Since Mondays are always a pain in the ass and all the family are going in wild tangents why not bench your culinary talents and serve something light but nutritious. My family jumps for joy when they smell bowling bag au Gratin in the oven. Serve with heaping bowls of mother-in-law soup, goose down dinner rolls and then surprise ‘em with Atari jello for dessert.

TUESDAY: For lunch while dad’s at the office spoil the kids and grandma with telephone books in a blanket, tuna cans on a stick and shoe polish sundaes. They’ll love you for it. If it’s a school day be sure to prepare extra portions since the kids will undoubtedly want to bring their friends home to sample this treat!

WEDNESDAY: Dad’s come home drunk again and probably won’t be hungry until 2 am but the rest of the crew will drool in apprehension when you mention stick deodorant on a bed of wild, spliced shower curtain. For diversity pour over junk mail broth and garnish with blackened trash bag filets with a pinch/splash of worn out underwear syrup. Too bad, dad.

THURSDAY: Everyone needs high fiber foods in their diet. Start with slightly shredded coat hangers on wheat toast (hot wire on a shingle for you diner sloths) with seaweed livers and ostrich lampshade sparkles and discarded lobbyist heart. Follow it up with flaming garage door openers and candied ant traps. Serve only with pictures of exotic desserts cut out of survival manuals.

FRIDAY: Toothpaste burritos and crème-de-la-cara make Mexican night fun for everyone. Even people who don’t like Mexicans have a good time. It’s south of the border night in Winnipeg! For a snappy go-along try rolling up the carpet and dipping in sweet and sour unpaid bills.

SATURDAY: THE ENTIRE FAMILY will flip over our Saturday Night Special of the late Chef Musick’s chicken lips in vacuum bags smothered in foot powder and linoleum crisps. For dessert, you’ll be having razor blade pie with all the trimmings!

SUNDAY: It’s high time to relax after church with dog hair sandwiches and barbecued garden tools (and don’t forget the kitty litter grits!). It’s easier than eating out!

     For a multitude of culinary diversion, see us on the web at www.eatyourbelongings.com

Pharisee to speak

(Montrose) Right-wing spiritual war monger, the Rev. Phil Pharisee of the Temple of Self-Absorption and Tantric Plumbing, will address the piercing question: Does God Have a Cell Phone? on Friday night at the Armageddon Bingo Hall on East Main. Parking is free for the first 300 through the door. Hard facts and cold cuts will be served. Bring a covered fish.