All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Kryptonite discovered in San Juan Mountains

A major deposit of the rare mineral, Kryptonite has been found adjacent to the present site of the Camp Bird Mine near Ouray according to assayers there. Already thousands of would-be prospectors have crowded roads in and out of the town. Kryptonite, previously thought only to exist on the pulverized planet, Krypton, is worth an estimated $830 per ounce on the open market. It is used chiefly as a computer sensitive component in plastic credit cards and in the production of waferboard.

Residents have been warned to stay in their homes until this, the latest of a multitude of booms, subsides. The last boom in Ouray stretched from 1888-1902. Continued  exposure to the mineral can allegedly cause serious side effects in judicious wise acres and other persons of constant opinion. Symptoms include loss of teeth and hair, a seriously warped sense of altitude and the tragic, slow deterioration of the brain.

Miners up Dexter Creek, where a smaller vein of Kryptonite was discovered last week, have been seen discarding once-precious gold nuggets for the lucrative Kryptonite. Many have become instant millionaires in just a week.

“We don’t have the technology (mules) to haul out the gold and silver too,” slobbered on sluggish sluice-boxer from Montrose. “This claim alone has netted over 400,000 tons of the rich ore and we haven’t even got the price tags off the shovels yet!”

Since last Tuesday  thirteen camper cities have evolved in any available space from Ridgway to Silverton. Lumber has been cut down to make picnic tables for hungry miners while a glass of orange juice at the Buen Tiempo Restaurant costs about nineteen dollars. Hardware and supply houses as far away as Ridgway are doing a banner business and there’s no end in sight.

Many of the mining claims are accessible only through Zute Indian lands and some are located right smack in the middle of the Southern Zute Reservation. Mining interests have appealed to the federal government to intercede on their behalf and the state militia has taken up defensive positions surrounding the Zutes. There is hope at press time that an agreement can be reached and violence averted but if not…well…there’s always Utah. At present there are 73 militia for every Indian in the region and that doesn’t take into account the over 30,000 heavily armed miners and the crew of the battleship “Colorow” that is anchored off the Uncompahgre Inlet.

In an official statement Governor Hickenlooper has asked that persons having no previous business in the area stay away unless they really need the cash.

– Rocky Flats

Objects on this website are often closer than they appear

DISAPPOINTMENT VALLEY OPTIMISTS DISBAND

(Klondike Basin UPS) The Disappointment Valley Optimist Club, long a bastion of arch-positive thinking in Western Colorado, has dissolved itself as of last night’s meeting. The club, boasting over four members, represented registered voters in the region with its own interests at heart.

The official reasons for the fraternal termination were not disclosed but one member told The Horseshoe that it had a lot to do with the Dugout Wash Grange Hall burning down in January.

“We were holding temporary meetings at Mario Crepehanger’s trailer but he didn’t have heat,” said the spokesman. “Then we moved the whole shindig over to the banks of Rabbit Creek but there’s too much fur around there and them rabbits got spots on their little livers this year. We didn’t really want to freeze or get sick so we all went home.”

Unconfirmed sources in downtown Egnar blame the sad occurrence on collusion among several international gravel pit concerns in the valley.

“Those guys didn’t appreciate the Optimists being around, throwing parties and bringing canned goods to the needy,” said L. Flem Cocklebur, who provided the club with whiskey for the past 15 years. “I think they torched the grange hall to further their own selfish ends,” he spat.

It was not clear at press time whether the remaining members of the club would restructure the organization and press on with the “larger-than-life” takeover of Slick Rock, that was on the docket at the time of their demise.

Anyone interested in joining the club or donating weapons at this time is asked to call Crepehanger in Norwood.

“The lovely patch of land surrounding Guantanamo Bay has for more than a century been a U.S. Naval outpost. It must become part of Cuba again. In return, the United States can have Miami back.”

– Tom Miller: If I had been Raul Castro’s Speech Writer in Trading With the Enemy

YOUR WASHINGTON MINUTE

*The last Congressman was purchased by lobbyists (who will from this day on enjoy diplomatic impunity) this morning, leading to a recess until after campaign season is over in November.

*The Senate failed to pass a diluted measure banning dull marriage within the confines of the United States. Washington National tickets go on sale today.

*Lilliputians win three seats when Democrats and Republicans fail to return from the Congressional latrine.

*Combined Senate votes to table motion to squash a patent on a motorcar that runs exclusively on campaign literature.

*Maps of Afghanistan are passed out to sleeping elected officials in the House of Representatives. Many mistake them for cruise ship promotions.

*Legislation skirted on national health care program since politicians are already covered. Chronic unemployment statistics unveiled to a legislative group that still has somewhere to go during the day.

“There was never a good war or a bad revolution.”

– Edward Abbey

Colona Not on Million Dollar Highway

(Ouray) The village of Colona is not officially on the Million Dollar Highway say sources at the Colorado Division of Transportation. The famous stretch of road, named for the expense of its construction, runs only from Ouray to Silverton and in no way includes Colona according to a recent press release.

“We do not recognize other access paths as part of the big picture,” said the release, “although these arteries are included in the Scenic Byways, Alpine Loop and San Juan Skyways portion of the landscape.”

For decades people in Colona have been led to believe that the stretch of Highway 550 that passes here was pat of the Million Dollar Highway.

“One can only imagine the disappointment felt here,” said one source. “Now we’ll have to change all of our tourist brochures and business cards.”

It was still not clear at press time whether or not Colona is considered a real town by the state due to its Montrose-like zip code and its location in Ouray County.

– Rats Malone

“A trip to heaven is wasted on some, when a simple postcard would satisfy.”

– St. Roscoe of Paddlewheel


VIDA, AMOR Y AREPAS EN LOS ANDES COLOMBIANOS VERDES

La próxima entrega de Amor y Antioquia, que ahora se presentará como una novela (el concepto de la función de juego no generó ningún interés). Pero antes de que me distraiga más de mi tarea inmediata, quiero recordarles que la palabra en español para el día es tierna, que significa tierno, y describe a mi compañero de viaje.

AREPA LOVE Todos los platos en Colombia cuentan con una gran (a veces pequeña) baba arepa desayuno, almuerzo y cena. Es un cruce entre un pan de maíz seco y una tortilla de maíz seca. Solo con mirar uno se sabe que produce algodón boreal. Creo que la gente los come porque siempre lo han hecho y sin ninguna otra buena razón. Pero ellos son tenaces. En su defensa, las arepas son amigas con huevos revueltos y queso, frijoles y arroz o sopa de papa y una ensalada.

RON ANTES DEL DESHONOR Al llegar al Café Latampa en el Jardín para mi café de la mañana, noté que mi amigo Alfonso estaba meticulosamente llenando un gran agujero con café molido de su operación. Lo vi terminar el trabajo y no dijo nada. Jardin se parece mucho a Ouray y actúa como Ridgway en los años 70. Salsa, Cumbia, Tango chirriando de las barras mezclándose involuntariamente con campanas de la iglesia y el clop de caballos sobre los adoquines. Vimos pocos gringos en las dos semanas que pasamos aquí. Incluso menos arriba de la ciudad donde nuestro hotel tenía una gran bañera y dos deliciosas trucherías (restaurantes de truchas) gobernaban el gallinero. Uno de estos restaurantes, Valdivia, presenta a un pastor social muy alemán en la puerta. La cultura es fuerte en Antioquia, aún no diluida por el turismo mundial, que ha afectado a otras ciudades en el llamado camino gringo. Cuanto mejor es tu español, mejor será tu visita.

MUCHO RUIDO ¿Sabías que el famoso cantante colombiano Alci Acosta perfeccionó sus habilidades vocales vendiendo chocolate en Riosucio? (Hogar de algunas de las aves más malas del mundo). Ahí es donde nos dirigimos a un camino de tierra de tres horas en la parte trasera de una chiva (una camioneta con cubiertas y asientos). Sería bueno tener un poco de silencio pero, de ninguna manera; Alguien enciende una estación de radio de voladura de Manizales. El ruido es definitivamente irritante en Colombia, pero afortunadamente trajé mi 5 x 8, super whambo 800-decibal Cerwin Vega alto veces (altavoces) para actuar como ecualizadores amplios.

Ouray Siren Recovered

Sounding off in middle of night

The Historic Ouray town siren, which for years only sounded at noon, is once again in the hands of responsible parties according to authorities here. Over the past few weeks residents have been exposed to extended siren use in the middle of the night for everything from cats in trees to barbecue blazes and it’s not even summer yet.

“First we thought the television police had gotten hold of the thing,” said Melvin Toole of the Ouray Dice Park Coalition. “That would be irritating enough, but then we realized our worst fears when it became apparent that snow anarchists from Silverton had made off with the sounding device.”

Apparently the anarchist element from San Juan County, dubbed White Noise, had set the siren up near Mount Abram intent on barraging its neighbor town with siren shrills all day and night until Ouray surrendered to higher up demands regarding Ruby Wall and dynamite futures.

Authorities told The Horseshoe that at first it appeared that the alarm device had caught a virus from siren-happy contingents in Gunnison.

“It was the same old Boy Who Cried Wolf routine, or so we thought,” said one city spokesperson. “Then, when we met up with fringe elements of the anarchist group at in the cookie aisle at Duckett’s we figured something was fishy.”

“That’s all we need with the tourist cruise ships coming in,” barked Toole.

– Estelle Marmotbreath

“The mind is its own place and in itself make a Heaven of Hell and a Hell of Heaven.” – Lucifer in Milton’s “Paradise Lost”  – Blabbermouth Milton was less than concise in his ten books with over ten thousand lines of verse. He could have covered the subject in two paragraphs.