All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
CB, Gunnison and Almont among best towns in county
(Gunnison) Crested Butte, Gunnison and Almont were among the top places to live in Gunnison County, a survey by the Reluctant Economist Review has found. The Boulder-based fiscal watchdog ranked 15 locales in terms of personal risk, infrastructure and the availability of goods and services.
The worse places were Pittsburgh, Baldwin and Jack’s Cabin where many aspects of daily life present challenges such as staying warm in winter, dealing with local bears and providing food. Since none of the above have any known infrastructure, they took a beating in the scoring, especially in an embarrassing bathing suit competition.
“These locales are charming but they don’t cut it over the 365-day cycle,” said the RER. “There are no stores, no police and no government and no home owners associations in place to help these people. If a resident gets his car stuck in a snowdrift in November he might have to wait until April to dig it out.”
The port cities of Sapinero, Powderhorn-on-Sage and Pitkin Falls fell in the middle range due to the presence of skeletal services and distance from main population centers.
Icy roads, the presence of deer and elk on the highways and location in remote regions worked against these towns causing them to finish poorly in the survey, according to the review.
The county’s three main population centers scored well partially because, even though they are in the United States in name, they are off the grid and are not considered targets for terror and are virtually unpolluted. In addition to ranking high in the Gunnison County survey, they matched up well with other rural towns across the country despite climate-related issues, high prices and an economy based on tourism, real estate and second-hand stores.
No location manages to present ideal living conditions but these three are close especially if one factors in daily stress, traffic and the outdoor lifestyle. The review fell short of equating the dog population with happiness and the air quality with general life expectancy.
“There is no place better to live than anywhere in Gunnison County in the summer,” said the review, “although technically, that may only last for 60 days.”
“The gods love the obscure and hate the obvious.”
The Upanishads (800-500 BC)
Black Canyon Name Change Backed by Tourism Council
(Montrose) Proposals to rename the Black Canyon today received support from local tourism groups and environmental organizations who contend that the current name is morbid.
A bill expected to go before the State Senate calls for a year-long study which might, among other things, create a new image for the dark, ominous sounding spot. Any decision would have to be made at the federal level since the current Black Canyon acreage is fenced off under federal administration as a National Park.
Saying that the term black misrepresents the natural beauty of the attraction, Sell Colorado, a West Slope economic development interest, suggests lightening up the name and thus attracting even more tourists to the destination.
“We like White Canyon, or Bright Canyon,” said Irm Peawit, Executive Executive Director for Sell Colorado. “We’ve had petitions suggesting Beaming Canyon, Brilliant Canyon, Clear Canyon and Cheery Canyon. Others favor Luminous Canyon or Radiant Canyon but we’re afraid of using big words with national reading levels falling off and all. Incandescent Canyon received a great deal of support but we don’t know if it will fit on our signs.”
When asked if the name Bright Canyon might be confused with Bright Angel, a famous observation point at Arizona’s Grand Canyon, Peawit frowned.
“We hate anything to do with that other canyon. It gets all the publicity,” she griped, “when our canyon is either deeper, longer or steeper, I can’t remember which one.”
Western Slope legislators have vowed to lobby in favor of the name change in Washington this summer. But, saying that there are several other more pressing matters on the agenda, the lawmakers expect the bill to be introduced some time around January.
“Right now,” according to one Representative who spoke anonymously, “the Washington DC House and Senate have the economy, Iraq, national health care, education, Afghanistan, the War on Terror, water shortages, crime, Social Security, pollution, the ozone, corporate corruption, drug abuse, border control, North Korea, NATO conflicts and gasoline prices with which to contend…and don’t forget gay marriage and the fact that this is an election year.”
A spokesman for Rocks, Trees and Bugs, a grassroots environmental group insists that the Black Canyon is at risk due to overgrazing by summer tourists.
“If we change the name to something more positive we can pick and choose who we let in,” said Muffy Hollandaise of RTB. “The formula is simple enough: We double or triple the admission price and limit access. We could offer weekend packages with breakfast and a guide. We like the name Ambiance Canyon or Quiet Canyon “where the deer and the antelope pay.”
Further sources at the federal level say these groups are missing the point. Committees for Public Safety such as OSHA and the North American Seat Belt Consortium stressed that, due to severe drop offs common to cliffs and drastic topography, skateboards, wheel chairs and bicycles be banned from the park.
“These people have other places open to them,” said an unreliable mouthpiece at OSHA. “Why do they always have to push? The handicapped have more access ramps and parking spaces than any other group in this country. The cyclists have bike paths. The skateboarders have their hangouts. Why do they have to ruin it for the rest of us?”
Still another developer, who owns 2000 acres adjacent to the park on Black Mesa, feels his plan to build a mosquito-proof dome over the entire park is a good idea.
“Despite the short-sighted criticism and the effete finger pointing, our Dome Canyon project could still spout wings and fly,” said Robert Mojave, a former wine maker from California who plans to build 4000 new homes near the canyon by 2021. We stand to make a killing on this project and we don’t intend to let some top-heavy, socialist, low-rent entity like the federal government dictate to us. Today’s semi-outdoor enthusiasts need protection from mosquitoes.”
Mojave went on to say that if the cities of the nation could build new sports stadiums the rural areas deserved domes over precious landmarks so as to promote insect-free, year-round use.
In other news the Colorado Division of Transportation confirmed that access arteries to and from the canyon would have to be dug up and widened to accommodate any increase in traffic there. The agency estimates construction time to be five years. Plans to hire a band to entertain stranded motorists was put on the back burner due to increased campaign demands and continued bad vibes from the local musician’s union.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Trophy Home Restrictions Set Precedent for 2020
(Mt Crested Butte) A far-reaching blueprint for the construction of further trophy homes here may have ramifications beyond the county say critics of the new legislation. Restrictions on size and height, in place for over a decade, had been challenged by second home owners and local contractors after one 850,000 square foot palace slipped through the cracks when nobody was looking in 2018
New designs, outlawing indoor pools and lavish aviaries, while demanding the inclusion of practical vomitoriums in all new housing has thrown a wrench in the works as the snow begins to melt. Although local plumbers praised the plan, many contractors and realtors say the scheme is aimed at punishing the rich, many of whom use the property rarely while jacking up housing costs for the common resident.
“This elitist approach to gov’ment must end before Mt. Crested Butte can take its place among affluent communities the world over,” said proponent of the plan, and caterer to the gladiators, Calvin Ligula, of West Onion Park. “Besides, a lot of the cardboard used in the construction of these mansions will not support the extensive tile and rock work associated with even the most primitive of retching facilities.”
“Kids, don’t become like Donald Trump. Study history.”– The Washington Post
“The Mad, Mad Malarkey of Brian O’Linn”
Brian O’Linn was a gentleman born,
His hair it was long and his beard unshorn,
His teeth were out and his eyes far in—
“I’m a wonderful beauty,” says Brian O’Linn!
Brian O’Linn was hard up for a coat,
He borrowed the skin of a neighboring goat,
He buckled the horns right under his chin—
“They’ll answer for pistols,” says Brian O’Linn!
Brian O’Linn had no breeches to wear,
He got him a sheepskin to make him a pair,
With the fleshy side out and the woolly side in—
“They are pleasant and cool,” says Brian O’Linn!
Brian O’Linn had no hat to his head,
He stuck on a pot that was under the shed,
He murdered a cod for the sake of his fin—
“‘Twill pass for a feather,” says Brian O’Linn!
Brian O’Linn had no shirt to his back,
He went to a neighbor and borrowed a sack,
He puckered the meal-bag under his chin—
“They’ll take it for ruffles,” says Brian O’Linn!
Brian O’Linn had no shoes at all.
He brought an old pair at a cobbler’s stall,
The uppers were broke and the soles were thin—
“They’ll do me for dancing,” says Brian O’Linn!
Brian O’Linn had no watch for to wear,
He brought a fine turnip and scooped it out fair,
He slipped a live cricket right under the skin—
“They’ll think it is tickling,” says Brian O’Linn!
Brian O’Linn was in want of a broach,
He stuck a brass pin in a big cockroach,.
The breast of his shirt he fixed it straight in—
“They’ll think it’s a diamond,” says Brian O’Linn!
Brian O’Linn went a-courting one night,
He set both the mother and daughter to fight—
“Stop, stop,” he exclaimed, “If you have but the tin,”
I’ll marry you both,” says Brian O’Linn.
Brian O’Linn went to bring his wife home,
He had but one horse that was all skin and bone—
“I’ll put her behind me, as nate as a pink,
And her mother before me” says Brian O’Linn!
Brian O’Linn and his wife and wife’s mother,
They all crossed over the bridge together,
The bridge broke down and they all tumbled in—
“We’ll go home by water,” says Brian O’Linn!
Plutonians angry over planetary status
(Solar Junction) Plutonians here are offended and a just little angry after being designated a dwarf planet by astronomers who say the nonluminous celestial body is not big enough to be considered a legitimate planet.
Many residents of Pluto, formerly the ninth and farthest planet from the Sun, say that sidereal periods of revolution, abstract perihelions and especially confining aphelions are nothing to play with and can be dangerous in the hands of amateurs from earth.
Often ignored due to its last place finish in positions from the Sun, Pluto has sneaked by all these ions joining the other revolving entities in one Solar System, seated with the eight major planets in conjunction with the stars. Although Pluto has no known marketability or industrial output (with an unemployment rate of over 100%) Plutonians are the healthiest inhabitants of the Solar System.
“We are not the Chicago Cubs of the cosmos,” said one inhabitant. “We’re not a star and now we’re not really a proper planet either. What are we then…intergalactic debris?” asked Sarah Shuttle, a former NASA astronaut who landed on Pluto some years ago and decided to stay.
“How can anyone take the word of these charlatans, none of whom has ever set foot on Pluto?” demanded one Plutonian elder. “When the bubble bursts it is they who are the zealous plutocrats and we the innocent victims of it all trying only to prosper on the vast fringes of stellar no-man’s land.”
Another Plutonian agreed adding that only last year scientists confirmed that Pluto was larger than Mercury or Venus.
“How is it that we have shrunk to oblivion? They distinctly said half the size of the earth, at least diametrically,” he said. “Let’s face it we’re not exactly a major market out here but we have value. If we were right there downtown like Mars or Jupiter it would be a whole different deal. We are and have been the red-headed stepchild of planetary prestige, the bastard of Caliban, the lost tribe of the underworld, the last train to Clarksville. We can handle that but this dwarf planet business…well, it really shoves our face it, doesn’t it.”
An ongoing dispute between Pluto and Earth over fishing rights in the Straits of Armageddon has manifested itself in angry denials of wrongdoing evolving to shouting matches across the massive solar system.
The whole thing is a big mess,” said one astronomer from Buffalo Chippe Observatory near Boulder. “We have to consider the planetary psyche and the overgrown ego of Plutonians. For centuries they have believed they were just as good, a normal, upright planet just like the rest only to find out they don’t quite measure up,” he stressed.
Stopping short of calling the entire judgment ethnically motivated, the ambassador from Uranus, Pluto’s closest neighbor, has suggested that the attitude of the favored planets is condescending and hostile toward emerging masses. He says Pluto has become the latest in a long line of victims of the classic upstate down-state rivalry.
“These seeds of uncertainty are the seeds of discontent and be thee wary who throweth them,” she said in a thick Uranian accent. “Everyone knoweth that Plutonians can only be pushed so far.”
– Suzie Compost
