All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Plutonians angry over planetary status
(Solar Junction) Plutonians here are offended and a just little angry after being designated a dwarf planet by astronomers who say the nonluminous celestial body is not big enough to be considered a legitimate planet.
Many residents of Pluto, formerly the ninth and farthest planet from the Sun, say that sidereal periods of revolution, abstract perihelions and especially confining aphelions are nothing to play with and can be dangerous in the hands of amateurs from earth.
Often ignored due to its last place finish in positions from the Sun, Pluto has sneaked by all these ions joining the other revolving entities in one Solar System, seated with the eight major planets in conjunction with the stars. Although Pluto has no known marketability or industrial output (with an unemployment rate of over 100%) Plutonians are the healthiest inhabitants of the Solar System.
“We are not the Chicago Cubs of the cosmos,” said one inhabitant. “We’re not a star and now we’re not really a proper planet either. What are we then…intergalactic debris?” asked Sarah Shuttle, a former NASA astronaut who landed on Pluto some years ago and decided to stay.
“How can anyone take the word of these charlatans, none of whom has ever set foot on Pluto?” demanded one Plutonian elder. “When the bubble bursts it is they who are the zealous plutocrats and we the innocent victims of it all trying only to prosper on the vast fringes of stellar no-man’s land.”
Another Plutonian agreed adding that only last year scientists confirmed that Pluto was larger than Mercury or Venus.
“How is it that we have shrunk to oblivion? They distinctly said half the size of the earth, at least diametrically,” he said. “Let’s face it we’re not exactly a major market out here but we have value. If we were right there downtown like Mars or Jupiter it would be a whole different deal. We are and have been the red-headed stepchild of planetary prestige, the bastard of Caliban, the lost tribe of the underworld, the last train to Clarksville. We can handle that but this dwarf planet business…well, it really shoves our face it, doesn’t it.”
An ongoing dispute between Pluto and Earth over fishing rights in the Straits of Armageddon has manifested itself in angry denials of wrongdoing evolving to shouting matches across the massive solar system.
The whole thing is a big mess,” said one astronomer from Buffalo Chippe Observatory near Boulder. “We have to consider the planetary psyche and the overgrown ego of Plutonians. For centuries they have believed they were just as good, a normal, upright planet just like the rest only to find out they don’t quite measure up,” he stressed.
Stopping short of calling the entire judgment ethnically motivated, the ambassador from Uranus, Pluto’s closest neighbor, has suggested that the attitude of the favored planets is condescending and hostile toward emerging masses. He says Pluto has become the latest in a long line of victims of the classic upstate down-state rivalry.
“These seeds of uncertainty are the seeds of discontent and be thee wary who throweth them,” she said in a thick Uranian accent. “Everyone knoweth that Plutonians can only be pushed so far.”
– Suzie Compost
Bulk Snow For Sale by Owner
Snow days in Western Colorado! Genuine Red Mountain snow for sale by the kilo. $90 delivered or $70 you retrieve. Owner may consider trading for like weight in sun flowers.
Pet Escrow Ordinance Adopted by Council
“Did you just call me a moron?”
(Crested Butte) In what has been called the most innovative step ever taken by the local town council, the controversial Doggy Duty Ordinance passed unanimously last night. The law, which requires prospective dog owners to put up as much as $2,000 in escrow with the town before acquiring a pet, is aimed at controlling the irresponsible.
The escrow fund is officially designated to pay for projected fines and other expenses involved in raising a dog. It is expected that some people will think twice about becoming a pet owner considering the commitment. Furthermore the council thinks people who decide to acquire a dog will be less likely to abandon the animal with all that money invested.
“It’s a winner,” said one supporter who says he intends to put up $250,000 to make sure his dogs are financially secure in the event of his own demise. “I think it’s the responsibility of every pet owner to see that the animal has a good sturdy upbringing and a real shot at success whether it be with government or the private sector. College is a definite for my two collies.”
The action comes on the heels of accusations that the town council sauteed funds from the 2016 Alley Loop Race and hardboiled the evidence. After one outspoken member was grilled Friday it appeared there was more to the story than was on the menu, so everyone broke for lunch.
“Nobody did anything illegal,” said a spokesman for the mayor’s office. It seems that any decision we make is like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.”
In other business three members of the council voted to table discussion with regards to complaints from landlords that tenants are stockpiling dung in rental units.
“The property owners and their agents say the renters are using the dung to braid their hair and they plan to issue eviction notices Monday,” said an elected official. “We’re just trying to head off the conflict until the end of ski season.
– Dag Katz
“I may not be all that intelligent, but I’m accessorized.”
– Melvin Toole, polysynthetic linguist, ham-handed flight surgeon, weekend podiatrist.
Spy Satellite Won’t Hit Butte
(Crested Butte) The disabled U.S. spy satellite expected to collide with earth sometime this month will most likely not hit Crested Butte according to gov’ment officials. The ship is now de-orbiting, its power gone due to a battery malfunction.
Launched from Vandenberg Air Force Base in California in December of 2006 the satellite was expected to stay up in the air a little longer. Just where the craft is right now is classified information, says the National Security Council. Normal tracking technology is ineffective due to the anti-terrorist battery charger that is located underneath the fuel pump and virtually impossible to reach.
“We have no control over it, since the power outage,” said Emily LeCrewe, a former astronaut who gained limited fame in 1988 for her part in the formation of the International Brotherhood of Astronauts and Aliens.
“It could land anywhere,” she added calmly.
Authorities hope it will land somewhere like rural Nevada and not in downtown Moscow or Beijing.
“Locally I wouldn’t worry too much,” said Kyle Belvedere, a spokesman for the NSC. “There is little danger,” he reiterated, “but my agency is looking into options to mitigate any damage.”
The United States gov’ment, reputedly housed somewhere near Washington DC, on the eastern seaboard of North America, has disavowed knowledge of the spy satellite.
“All these sci-fi whackos, and dreamers of little green men in Teflon suits should be jailed,” said a surviving White House spokesperson.
– Fred Zeppelin
“Where does the light go when the snow melts?” – John Musick
Participatory democracy 611
Can you make sense of the political jargon
Can you complete this telling formula?
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Bachelor Survivor Episodes Shot at Irwin
(Crested Butte) Filming of the popular television series Bachelor Survivor will begin this weekend at the town site of Irwin according to producers and directors. The program, popular with people who are afraid to go outside, will once again focus on local bachelors struggling to make it through yet another cold winter.
This season’s plight involves seven bachelors, armed only with hatchets and loincloths, who must make some difficult choices when confronted with fish tank dating and assorted commitments. Some twenty-eight divas are slated to be dropped into the Raggeds by Friday morning. These lovely ladies, in evening wear, will then make an ascent of the Ruby Range for an expected rendezvous with the bachelors on the shores of balmy Lake Irwin. Makeup stations along the way will assure that every hair is in place for the cameras.
“We don’t want a bunch of disappointed divas with running mascara and broken fingernails ruining the show,” said one crew member.
Due to temporary relaxation of state and local laws on such bothersome restrictions as manslaughter and simple assault the action is expected to peak near the entrance to Irwin and trickle down to the town of Crested Butte itself. The seven bachelors must not only choose the right lady but protect her from the others.
“This is idiocy,” said one Elk Avenue merchant concerned with the message sent here. “For one thing the 4- 1 ratio of women to men is absurd. We haven’t seen anything approaching these figures since the boys went off to France in 1917. In addition, if local behavior patterns are in play all seven of the bachelors will fight over one diva, fouling up the whole plot.”
Persons wishing to obtain tickets for the filming should contact the local chamber of commerce or the seedy money changers that hang out in front of the Company Store weekday mornings.
– Uncle Pahgre
