All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Bulk Snow For Sale by Owner
Snow days in Western Colorado! Genuine Red Mountain snow for sale by the kilo. $90 delivered or $70 you retrieve. Owner may consider trading for like weight in sun flowers.
Pet Escrow Ordinance Adopted by Council
“Did you just call me a moron?”
(Crested Butte) In what has been called the most innovative step ever taken by the local town council, the controversial Doggy Duty Ordinance passed unanimously last night. The law, which requires prospective dog owners to put up as much as $2,000 in escrow with the town before acquiring a pet, is aimed at controlling the irresponsible.
The escrow fund is officially designated to pay for projected fines and other expenses involved in raising a dog. It is expected that some people will think twice about becoming a pet owner considering the commitment. Furthermore the council thinks people who decide to acquire a dog will be less likely to abandon the animal with all that money invested.
“It’s a winner,” said one supporter who says he intends to put up $250,000 to make sure his dogs are financially secure in the event of his own demise. “I think it’s the responsibility of every pet owner to see that the animal has a good sturdy upbringing and a real shot at success whether it be with government or the private sector. College is a definite for my two collies.”
The action comes on the heels of accusations that the town council sauteed funds from the 2016 Alley Loop Race and hardboiled the evidence. After one outspoken member was grilled Friday it appeared there was more to the story than was on the menu, so everyone broke for lunch.
“Nobody did anything illegal,” said a spokesman for the mayor’s office. It seems that any decision we make is like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.”
In other business three members of the council voted to table discussion with regards to complaints from landlords that tenants are stockpiling dung in rental units.
“The property owners and their agents say the renters are using the dung to braid their hair and they plan to issue eviction notices Monday,” said an elected official. “We’re just trying to head off the conflict until the end of ski season.
– Dag Katz
“I may not be all that intelligent, but I’m accessorized.”
– Melvin Toole, polysynthetic linguist, ham-handed flight surgeon, weekend podiatrist.
Spy Satellite Won’t Hit Butte
(Crested Butte) The disabled U.S. spy satellite expected to collide with earth sometime this month will most likely not hit Crested Butte according to gov’ment officials. The ship is now de-orbiting, its power gone due to a battery malfunction.
Launched from Vandenberg Air Force Base in California in December of 2006 the satellite was expected to stay up in the air a little longer. Just where the craft is right now is classified information, says the National Security Council. Normal tracking technology is ineffective due to the anti-terrorist battery charger that is located underneath the fuel pump and virtually impossible to reach.
“We have no control over it, since the power outage,” said Emily LeCrewe, a former astronaut who gained limited fame in 1988 for her part in the formation of the International Brotherhood of Astronauts and Aliens.
“It could land anywhere,” she added calmly.
Authorities hope it will land somewhere like rural Nevada and not in downtown Moscow or Beijing.
“Locally I wouldn’t worry too much,” said Kyle Belvedere, a spokesman for the NSC. “There is little danger,” he reiterated, “but my agency is looking into options to mitigate any damage.”
The United States gov’ment, reputedly housed somewhere near Washington DC, on the eastern seaboard of North America, has disavowed knowledge of the spy satellite.
“All these sci-fi whackos, and dreamers of little green men in Teflon suits should be jailed,” said a surviving White House spokesperson.
– Fred Zeppelin
“Where does the light go when the snow melts?” – John Musick
Participatory democracy 611
Can you make sense of the political jargon
Can you complete this telling formula?
X + Y + Z = _________.
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Bachelor Survivor Episodes Shot at Irwin
(Crested Butte) Filming of the popular television series Bachelor Survivor will begin this weekend at the town site of Irwin according to producers and directors. The program, popular with people who are afraid to go outside, will once again focus on local bachelors struggling to make it through yet another cold winter.
This season’s plight involves seven bachelors, armed only with hatchets and loincloths, who must make some difficult choices when confronted with fish tank dating and assorted commitments. Some twenty-eight divas are slated to be dropped into the Raggeds by Friday morning. These lovely ladies, in evening wear, will then make an ascent of the Ruby Range for an expected rendezvous with the bachelors on the shores of balmy Lake Irwin. Makeup stations along the way will assure that every hair is in place for the cameras.
“We don’t want a bunch of disappointed divas with running mascara and broken fingernails ruining the show,” said one crew member.
Due to temporary relaxation of state and local laws on such bothersome restrictions as manslaughter and simple assault the action is expected to peak near the entrance to Irwin and trickle down to the town of Crested Butte itself. The seven bachelors must not only choose the right lady but protect her from the others.
“This is idiocy,” said one Elk Avenue merchant concerned with the message sent here. “For one thing the 4- 1 ratio of women to men is absurd. We haven’t seen anything approaching these figures since the boys went off to France in 1917. In addition, if local behavior patterns are in play all seven of the bachelors will fight over one diva, fouling up the whole plot.”
Persons wishing to obtain tickets for the filming should contact the local chamber of commerce or the seedy money changers that hang out in front of the Company Store weekday mornings.
– Uncle Pahgre
Man Recovering After Falls Leap
(Crested Butte) Local man, Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole, is in fair condition after leaping off Coal Creek Falls in nothing but an oak whiskey barrel yesterday. The daredevil feat, lambasted by authorities yet praised by extreme sportscasters, took place at high noon on an unseasonably warm February day. It was witnessed by hundreds of extreme motion junkies who hoped the event might someday gain Olympic status.
Although shaken and frozen Toole expects to sell some 400 photographs of the leap in his Elk Avenue Bistro on Whiterock. What he doesn’t sell will be nailed to trees all over town and up Kebler.
In moments he was picked up by local police officers, and charged with disturbing the peace, wasting water and reckless endangerment before being whisked away to the Gunnison Valley Large Animal Clinic where he is being held today.
Initially Toole’s target was a small wading pond just to the north of Wirtz Falls. Unfortunately he missed the pond altogether and landed in a mangrove of willows and mud.
“The sound was frightening when he hit,” said one bystander. “It’s lucky he was wearing a seat belt.”
Toole himself plans to sue someone over the incident and further shape his fortune. Supporters insist that their hero will settle out of a quart and avoid a juried arts events in general.
Danger existed long before the jump as Toole climbed the 300-foot cliff adjacent to the falls. Slippery rocks and aggressive birds often appeared to have the edge but the persistent athlete, the first man ever to negotiate the Black Canyon using nothing but dental floss and an eyebrow pencil, finally overcame all adversity and arrived at the summit just moments before eleven. As a crowd gathered Toole climbed into his barrel, adjusted his goggles and simply leaned in the direction of down.
“We could care less about all this serve and protect business,” said one local cop off the record. “This clown broke the law and must face the consequences. We’re concerned about the preliminary message sent by this fanfare. Imagine if everyone decided to jump off a waterfall in a barrel!”
While in the hospital the famous daredevil has received thousands of get well wishes and cards. He is scheduled to appear on the Dope-rah, The Daily Grow, Jimmy Felon Live, the David Netherlands Show sometime before the 20th Annual Summer Weekend Festival in Gunnison. Toole is employed as an associate professor of gravity at Western State Colorado University and collects bird houses in his spare time.
– Suzie Compost
