All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Please Help Save The Congress

As of this morning many in Congress continue to suffer from Zombie Deer Disease. Most have continued to be absent despite shortages of vaccine and spring weather. In addition, the treatment for the malady is not covered under the current Congressional Health Insurance policy. We are asking for your financial support so as to keep our legal representatives on the job until the plague relents or a more non-partisan termination occurs. Send $20 and receive a Make America Healthy Again in Washington.

In honor of National Apology Month in May:

Correction: In our headline regarding the alarming spike in the world raven population: It should have read: threatens to end GOP sects and not threatens to end GOP sex as was first reported. You apologize for any harm this might have caused.

Broncos Look to Rams to Beef Up Line

As the 2019 football season gets closer the Denver Broncos are expected to invite several standouts from Colorado State University to a summer tryout in an attempt to plug holes in their porous offensive line.

Optimists Report Surge in Membership

(Norwood) The Disappointment Valley Optimist Club had whittled itself down to two dues paying affiliates during the winter. Then one of them was deported to Grand Junction. The situation looked bleak or is that bleek?

One member was not enough to maintain the charter or pay expenses. It wasn’t even enough to reach a quorum or host the Bedrock Earth Ring Symposium. Something had to be done. People risked losing a vital civic contribution from a solid organization that has been around since 1901 or so.

As one later president remembers it: “Then the toilet got stopped up and the pipes froze, the fox got into the hen house, the tires on the snowplow truck went flat, the wood is too green to burn and mighty wet. It was like putting lipstick on figs.”

That’s when the last member standing, Olde “Man” Pritchard, started serving free drinks at the meetings.

“I could still hear the ice tinkling in the glasses,” said new Optimist, Rufus Maxwell. “Then I watched as new members lined up, signed up and paid their annual dues in cash. I couldn’t believe it.”

Tonight, with a confirmed brotherhood of 26, the Disappointment Optimist Club is thriving. The fraternal organization even hopes to rescue its insignia happy face round table and regimental colors from the Naturita Poke ’N Pawn before the end of the month.

The Optimists still need a place to meet, a gavel, some folding chairs and buckets of ice.

“We will always need more ice,” said one new member. “It is our cross to bear.”

“The hospitality shown by brother Pritchard was above and below the call of duty,” said a specially prepared release. “Tomorrow night we plan to offer free gasoline, a tea dance and tax counseling,” said the statement. “That should bump us up to 100 members, a milestone that will qualify us for matching funds from the exiled government in Cahone and a discount at the Yellow Rock.”

Meanwhile old men with caps and canes in villages all over the world stare at arriving buses as if they had never seen such a brazen display of cutting edge technology.

– Susie Compost

“Stand up (to his wavering troops). They couldn’t shoot an elephant from this distance!” – General John Sedgewick, moments before being shot in the face in Spotsylvania County, Virginia May 9, 1864. He had the dubious distinction of being the highest-ranking Union soldier to be killed in the American Civil War.

Toilet Paper Giants To Meet

(Montrose) CEOs from the nation’s ten largest toilet paper manufacturers are slated to meet here next month to discuss the future of the industry. Along with their extended entourage the visitors will bring along over 1000 support personnel. The economic impact is expected to be felt all the way to Colona.

The consortium of sorts is heralded as a great triumph for a multitude of tax-funded economic development committees active in the region. In addition to wiping away many years of antagonism among the principles, the three-day conference is expected to tackle the issue of hemp replacement options as well as concerns over hygiene in developing countries.

“This is a major breakthrough in trade, production and inter-commerce,” said Dolly Sans-Paddle, CEO of Waste Not Want Not, headquartered over in Dung Creek. “The age of political correctness, hydraulics and curious sound bytes has caught us with our pants down and we must be ready to flush our antiquated approach at a moment’s notice. It is no longer sufficient to put the seat up, or down as the case may dictate.”

Sans-Paddle further warned that social media has created an abundance of synthetic fecal matter that is overtaxing our already wobbly infrastructure, especially where the sun don’t shine.

“And no, we don’t like the new driverless toilets either,” she continued, “but they are here to stay and we must respond quickly and efficiently. We must diversify. Failure to perceive the future could easily send many of our loyal customers back to the bucket or the car wash.

Insiders told the local media that specific topics to be addressed at the summit would not be released and that the group was quite secretive with regards to its business. Preliminary crews should start to roll in by early June.

-Paula Parvenu

Where is everyone?

The empty bench on Elk Avenue bids goodbye to winter. April in Crested Butte means lots of parking spaces and the remnants of the snow that once was and will be again.

IRS Offering Ribs in Lieu of Refunds

(Ogden, UT) The Internal Revenue Service, in an apparent attempt to reduce the national debt, has instituted a flagship program that offers taxpayers baby-back pork ribs instead of refunds.

The ribs, available only to persons who have earned a tax refund, will be sent out just like other correspondence from the Treasury Department, arriving late, and probably cold. Already jokes about pork barrel politics and pigs at the trough are circulating major government fiscal centers.

“The economics of it all dictate that we too must cut back when it comes to refunding moneys to those people (taxpayers) ,” said Shirley Turnip of the IRS.

Persons interested in receiving the fare should fill out one of the Ribs Instead of Refunds forms available right next to Selective Service questionnaires at local post offices. Respondents must clearly state whether they prefer sauce or dry-cooked ribs and also how they like them done.

“We don’t trust most people to prepare the ribs correctly and have issued prevenative orers do avoid charred feelings and burned expectations,” said Turnip. “Once we get the fire going it will be too late for substitutions,” she warned.

Meanwhile the IRS has filed a final decision as to the status of sun worshipers residing in this country saying that since the practice is not recognized as a legitimate religion and therefore these parties must file taxes in accordance with the existing laws.

“Pavement hostesses.”

– Another name for hookers, ala Dublin (Ireland) cop Connor ‘Lugs” Branigan.