All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE
(Colona) The United States Forest Service has issued a warning to all humans using the public lands: Leave new wildlife alone! Cubs, fawns, chicks and other infant mammals, not mobile enough to travel with their mother while she hunts for food, are often left behind in a safe place. If left undisturbed, the babies will be rejoined by parents and nurtured till dawn’s early light.
Interruptions on the part of nosy humans create big problems according to the Colorado Division of Wildlife.
“Predators do their dirty work to be sure,” said Jack Spratt of the DOW. “That’s part of nature. It’s when these do-gooders and technological throwbacks get involved that we have real problems.”
Spratt says people should follow common sense rules and leave the babies alone.
“How would human parents feel if resident deer and/or chipmunks on vacation monkeyed with their infants when they stepped out for a breath of fresh air or to hit the can?” he stressed. “They wouldn’t like it.”
The proper response is always to avoid interrupting the natural relationship between animal families. If someone discovers a potential orphan he should leave it be at least until the DOW has had time to contact the parent. In addition, it is highly illegal to adopt a fawn or cub. At present there are over 2000 inmates doing hard time in Colorado prisons for these infractions.
“This doesn’t mean people can’t squash flies and mosquitoes no matter what their age,” said Spratt. “They are considered pests and have little use except to enterprising spiders and hungry bats.”
Another bugaboo is dogs and cats. These natural predators see young wildlife as dinner. It’s up to the owner to monitor pet behavior and thus protect infant deer or rodents from these often sporting carnivores. Training or restraining canines and placing a bell on the collar of prowling, domestic panthers is not likely to achieve this balance.
“The ending to the story can be happy or sad depending on the human factor,” said publisher Kashmir Horseshoe, adding that in over 43 years, this was the first functional USFS press release received by his periodical.
In a related story, the feds denied reports that dropping 4500 new porta-johns in National Forests throughout the West would disturb the wildlife there. The pooper shacks are deemed necessary where people are charged camping fees or admission. Insisting that the potties are placed in areas already contaminated by human smells, the feds’ software insists that animals don’t venture into these environs anyway.
In a further release from combined federal agencies it is apparent that the potties are a definite go. These custodians of the forest are the same ones responsible for erecting over 14 million brown and white signs on public lands from Medellin Falls to Bisbee since Teddy Roosevelt’s day. Critics say the feds might have limited the number of signs to about 20 and thus preserving the natural ambience of the forest.
-H.L.Menoken
AMERICANS MOST HAPPY WITH CROOK IN WHITE HOUSE
(Ouray – 1882)
According to an extensive survey 68% of American voters feel more comfortable with a crook in the White House than otherwise. With the recent election of Chester A. Arthur to the Presidency voters have confirmed data collected in the study.
Arthur became President after the assassination of James A. Garfield. A professional politician, Arthur achieved his goals by manipulating the political machine rising to power during a period of widespread dishonesty in every phase of government. Critics even go so far as to accuse Arthur of compliance in the murder.
He began his rough and tumble political career helping another crook, Republican Edwin D Morgan, become governor of New York for the second time. He was rewarded with an appointment as a general in the New York militia prior to the Civil War. When the war actually began Arthur had a safe and cushy job outfitting the militia for federal service. In 1862 he became state quartermaster general and his personal wealth grew quickly.
After the war he was appointed Collector for the Port of New York by another honest man, President U.S. Grant. During his tenure he saw to it that party regulars were given the good jobs. They, in turn paid, a percentage of their wages into Republican party campaign funds. Clever.
After Rutherford B. Hayes became President in 1877 he attempted to control this spoils system that had emerged. He appointed a commission to investigate the New York Customs House and it reported that three officers, including Arthur were neglecting their duties to handle party matters.
According to Frederick T. Frelinghuysen, Arthur’s Secretary of State Arthur has never done anything anyone else hadn’t already done.
“He’s no bigger crook than Grant…or even Hayes,” said Frelinghuysen. “His manipulation and sale of the Brooklyn Bridge will go down in history as “good business”. His renovation of the White House after it was occupied but downright slobs deserves acclaim,” said the secretary. “Just because all of his old buddies are getting rich off the American taxpayer doesn’t make him a bad guy.”
Many Americans, waking up to the threats from outside interests see a capable President as one who can make a few deals, twist a few wrists. They seem to accept the fact that some graft will occur and ignore hands in the cookie jar. Under all those whiskers they prefer to see their President as a good guy who is deserving of respect.
“We can’t keep an eye on the Brits and the lid on the Indian situation without someone who can pull a few strings residing in the White House,” explained one voter. “I say let him have at it. If he gets thrown in jail there’s always his vice-President, if he only had one.”
Continued in 1883
Local Landfills Seek Rebranding
(Montrose) Sick and tired of being called the dump, local trash brokers here are completing a serious makeover of this and other associate landfills. Image-conscious trademarks and logos are high on the docket and should be completed by fall. Then a soft opening for Christmas is slated, followed by a hard opening the following summer.
“It’s flat amazing how fast bureaucracies can move once someone lights a fire under them,” said Wynonna Wrapp, a consumer advocate and environmental technician. “In fairness we have seen government agencies shift gears and implement programs that benefit all clientele, from the lowest of disposers to the corporate garbage collectors”.
Tree planting, ponds, shade, windbreaks, a gift shop and a hermetically-sealed cafe are all in the works. Socialist shuttles to and from the destination sites are all part of the plan to humanize the waste experience.
Citing problems discarding debris, Wrapp called on municipalities to change the way we throw away our garbage. “Allowing our clientele access to heavy equipment and explosive devices would send a strong message that we encourage participation in the process of burying refuse, which we do not!”
Economic development committees, reportedly headquartered in nearby commercial zones, will begin weekly visits to the Gold Star Waste Sites and prepare blueprints aimed at a more pleasant encounter for the throngs of visitors expected in the heavy tourist months. Live music venues, tractor pulls and cook-offs aren’t far behind according to varied sources.
“Sure little souvenirs are nice, rides & balloons are positive and shooting rats is fun,” said Wrapp, “but we hope to get to the bottom of such conflicts as flies and aroma. We want to keep it cleaner. We want to educate.”
Email them at www.teamlandfill@usa.com and they’ll send you an hourly email so you can follow the entire transformation from home. And don’t forget to sign up to win a signature dumpster or a previously owned microwave. Other great prizes like big-screen TVs, hats and t-shirts plus garbage bags for life.
– Tommy Middlefinger
New Shipment of Dogs Expected
(Crested Butte) This month’s allotment of dogs is slated to arrive this afternoon from the National Humane Society in Washington DC. Although Colorado already leads the nation in canines per capita the demand for new breeds and age diversification remains high.
The animals will be air lifted into Colorado and dropped via parachute to prearranged locations all over the Western Slope. All potential pet owners have to do is pick up the dog of their choice. return paperwork, (attached to the prefab collar), to the gov’ment. Transfer taxes, filing fees, adoption papers, feeding schedules, reproduction considerations, lineage, obedience training, field manuals, college planning and anger management are the responsibility of the new master. All outstanding sums are due June 15.
“There is just no way that anyone should be without a dog,” said Elmo Barque, Executive Director of Doggie Drop, a non-profit group that seeks to place puppies in suitable homes. “Even the most irresponsible, spoiled mountain child should have a companion. We do really well with the drop onto the Western State campus in September. Everybody wants a cute puppy,” he explained, “for at least a week or two.”
Barque refused to comment when asked about a possible doggie pickup program slated to kick off in October.
“Dogs shouldn’t ride in the backs of pickups,” he shot. “It’s dangerous. Haven’t you ever watched that Major Hoolihan on TV?”
– Rocky Flats
Building permits, marriage licenses, Colorado residency documents, insurance cards, driving permits, Sociable Security cards, teeth pulled, gentle recycling, dog food on weekends. Mack the Hack
The People’s Quart
(An indicting synopsis of legal goings-on under the friendly green awning of jurisprudence)
The following data is lifted directly from court documents in Town of Jingo, County of Manana, Colorado. The information is released with the approval of principals herein for the benefit of personal freedom and access jurisdiction.
Idarado Mining Company vs. People of Colorado
At this point the saga attorneys for Idarado/Newmont Mining and Milling are just about to present “conclusive and irreversible evidence” that Idarado is not guilty of spilling waste into Bear Creek and therefore not responsible for future cleanups or EPA foreclosures. Instead, they assert, that less than hygienic Hippies swimming in the creek during the 1977 Telluride Bluegrass Festival polluted the water. The lawyers are asking that the court confiscate Bluegrass receipts to identify and prosecute the offenders and stop pointing the finger at the mining industry. Attempts to contact the alleged perpetrators has been slow going since many, almost forty years later, are out selling real estate.
Idarado/Newmont has also blamed for the presence of PCBs, acetone and trichloroethane in local rivers, on local Ute bands, which were forcibly vacated from the premises in 1874. That accusation will be undressed on the federal quart docket in December. A change of venue to the planet Mars is expected.
San Juan Horseshoe vs. Barnacle Media
Can a respectable journalist leave his bar tab to a colleague after death? Publisher and Retired General Horseshoe has gone all the way down to the knuckles on this one. His will, drawn up as a conclusive precedence to what is inevitable, leaves a stunning bar arrangement at Kochevar’s Ballroom in Crested Butte (With all of the privileges and responsibilities of the working press) to Crested Butte News editor Mark Reaman, an occasional sipper. Horseshoe who is still quite warm, claims that the tab options constitute roughly 3 times the value of his estate and thus cancels any advertising fees due the News.
He has gone on record as saying he would like to the keep the matter out of probate court because “everyone could die of thirst while that institution establishes jurisdiction much less validity over the avowed, albeit spirituous pact.” Reaman was not in quart this morning preferring to journey to Denver to accept a Ski Writer’s Award for penmanship.
Po’ Folk vs. Vail
The more than 300 persons were arrested in Eagle County on Saturday during a Poor People’s March on Vail were arraigned this morning. After promising to subsist and go home the violators were released on two months probation and a fifty-dollar fine that all but 3 refused to pay. Lawyers representing what the tastefully coiffured media are calling The Vail 300 are calling for the immediate release of all prisoners from the Gerald Ford Work and Ski Facility at Beavercreek, where they currently labor making turns, washing towels and picking up trash.
Civil liberties attorneys, who have joined the melee, are seeking an injunction against Vail that would provide for housing and mass transport for the workers in question. Circuit Judge, Oliver Cromwell has pledged to satisfy all concerns by the weekend. The Vail 300 inmates are expected to be moved to the John Elway Minimum Security Trailer Park in Minturn by later today.
“All the answers that I started with turned into questions in the end.” -Alison Kraus
Taliban Buying Pickups
(Silverton) Representatives of the outlawed Taliban will be in town this week purchasing small pickups used in their military operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan. The militant Islamic sect reportedly goes through 200 of these vehicles per month due to military action and general deterioration due to rough roads, harsh climates and driver abuse.
Taliban movements, thought to be limited to South Asia, were neither confirmed nor denied by local authorities. Persons wishing to sell vehicles are advised that this is considered treasonous and that all transactions are cash only.
Many locals here say they figure drones (unmanned missiles) will get most of the trucks once they arrive in Afghanistan.
“I don’t see anything wrong with selling a lemon to these bastards,” said one woman, “besides I need the money for firewood.”
The Taliban are expected in Ouray on Friday and in Paonia on Saturday unless they are intercepted and blown up by U.S. Coast Guard. A bounty of $500 has been placed on the assembled heads of these desperate assassins who say they snuck into the country on an illegal Barnacle Cruise last week.
“They are especially interested in Nissans and Hondas and they appear willing to deal for parts,” said the source. “They are avoiding larger models such as Explorers, Tahoes, Yukons and Hummers since they associate these large SUVs with Born Agains.”
According to one rather talkative Taliban, dressed in a loud, plaid burka, “Mohammed, or even Jesus would not have driven one of these opulent chariots and neither shall we.”
– Alfalfa Romero
