All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
ESTADO A JERKY FALL COLORS
(Denver) En un intento de extender los dramáticos colores del otoño hasta noviembre, los funcionarios estatales han implementado un plan para los álamos, robles y álamos todavía en su espléndido estado. Los equipos de botánicos ya han estado ocupados en un intento por aislar y acelerar la fórmula más eficaz para la extensión aprobada.
“Primero nos centraremos en los álamos, ya que son los más populares entre los turistas de otoño”, dijo Melvin Toole, quien tiene un tercer título en Cultura Popular de Venado de Cal Amari. “El roble y el álamo son mucho menos frágiles y creemos que podemos desmenuzarlos más adelante en el mes y aún así tener un suministro resistente que puede durar hasta el Día de Acción de Gracias”.
El proceso de sacudir los colores del otoño implica un largo proceso de secado que ha demostrado prolongar la vida de otras entidades, como la caza salvaje y los términos de los congresistas. Las hojas de álamo en particular se ajustan a las rígidas propiedades necesarias para el pensamiento idiota actual.
“Hemos experimentado con el enlatado y la congelación aplicada desde los años sesenta”, dice Toole. “Lo importante es cosechar las hojas elegidas e introducirlas en nuestros métodos antes de que se produzca el proceso natural. Tenga la seguridad de que hemos hecho todo lo posible para proteger a los pájaros y enfurecer a los animalitos que llaman a los árboles su hogar. Tienen hasta mañana evacuar.”
A pesar de que las hojas y la mayoría de las muestras de corteza carecen de nutrientes, muchas personas desesperadas tienden a comerlas en febrero o marzo, cuando se han agotado otros suministros. A diferencia de las hojas de las granjas de árboles, donde se emplea una variedad de fertilizantes y aditivos, estos árboles silvestres ofrecen hojas, raíces y cortezas sin suplementos.
“Muchos mamíferos disfrutan de una dieta compuesta de vegetación de montaña durante todo el invierno. Planeamos probar la cecina en animales de manada, prisioneros estatales e incluso peces antes de que caiga la nieve”, dijo Toole. “Ya le hemos dado al oso las mezclas más picantes y les gustó … por supuesto que comerán cualquier cosa que uno deje por ahí”.
Se les pide a los residentes y visitantes que se mantengan alejados de las operaciones espasmódicas hasta fin de mes, cuando el Departamento del Interior se unirá a las agencias estatales para presentar una jornada de puertas abiertas para explicar con más detalle sus prioridades. Para obtener un mapa de las operaciones espasmódicas más concentradas, comuníquese con la agencia gubernamental de su elección.
– Bess de boca pequeña
Days may get shorter warns weatherman
(Denver- Special to The Montrose Mouse October, 2020)
A local weatherman in the Mile High City is boldly predicting that the days will begin to get markedly shorter this fall. In a departure from traditional thought, Balmy Brennan, a longtime climatologist and meteorologist on TV, repeated his forecast, matter-of-factly.
Brennan repeated the stark warning again that afternoon at the Brown Palace Polo Club, much to the astonishment of an assembled entourage who had come to learn about buying precious metals before winter arrives.
“We all know about climate change,” said Brennan, “even though it does not register as a danger to a certain segment of science flunkies in our midst. My calculations clearly indicate that some aspects of the weather will stay the same. The sun will come up and go down. The moon will shine and disappear. The stars will seduce young lovers all within the backdrop of apocalypse. You know the gnashing of teeth and all that.”
The weatherman then rolled up his sleeves and got down to the nitty-gritty as to what people might expect in the coming weeks.
“Somehow a conjunction of the earth and the sun dictate the length of daylight hours,” he explained before hecklers drove him from his podium.
“Communist! Witch! Liberal!” they screamed as Brennan retreated in to the Ship’s Tavern Bar followed by a pack of paparazzi and a throng of failed Rockies’ relief pitchers who have been hoping that shorter days may help them forget their disastrous season.
– Tommy Middlefinger
“If we don’t get pregnant with some sort of an heir the peasants will rise up and kill us. They’ll find other royals. They’ll burn down this stone castle. They’ll cut off our heads!” – Earl Snapper MacGillycuddy, in an attempt to persuade Countess Tilapia to make love as part of traditional Celtic foreplay, Sheeffry Hills, Connemara, Ireland, 1477.
OURAY BEAR WATCHING FULL TIME AFFAIR
(Carne Canyon) The bear came over the mountain. Then another, and more. Soon, as the autumn arrived in the San Juans it became apparent that garbage bins, dog food dishes and apple trees were the main attraction. In September an evening walk would likely result in a sighting of another hungry, generally docile, beast on his way to dinner. In October the bears are still out on the town inducing residents to wonder when and if the animals would ever go to sleep.
Take a walk on the wild side…After dark in Ouray one is more likely to see a bear than another human, well almost. In an attempt to review these entertaining occurrences we have collected the more colorful accounts herein. Let us appreciate and not judge the mighty bear. You try feeding a family of porky 300-pounders on roots and berries.
Carpe
“At just about dark on September 23 I went out to check on a splashing sound in my hot tub only to discover a large bear soaking. I went back into the house for my camera but when I returned he had vacated the premises. I only hoped he had not gone into the woods to recruit more hairy party animals. All he left behind was a badly worn towel.”
– W. Sammy Carpe, Whispering Blazes
Pitt
“One evening after drill in late September my wife, Gwen, and I were sipping on our fourth and close to final gin and bitters when a small cub wandered right into the yard and pushed over the Weber. Before I could day Jack Spratt he gobbled up two tenderloins and was off. Fortunately he didn’t get the Yorkshire pudding, or our pet Yorkie for that matter. Nonetheless dinner was ruined, Duckett’s had closed for the day and we were forced to subsist on head cheese till morning.”
– Colonel Abshite Pitt, 2nd or 3rd Street, Manana
“It was the middle of the night. I heard a crash in the kitchen. When I got up I saw a large hairy beast at the sink eating salami. I figured it was my husband, Earl, in his black silk karate robe. I went back to sleep. In the morning I awoke to quite a mess and remembered that Earl had been away on business in Colona the previous evening. What an experience!”
– Madalaine Crab-Leggit, Madonna Creek
Leggit
“It was almost dawn on October 2. I went out for my daily ritual of checking my marijuana plants only to find a mature male bear eating them. I clanged a few pans together to scare him off but only when I fired off my sidearm did him scram. The damage was done. It looks like I’ll have to survive on cheap whiskey all winter.”
– Gloria Minske, no address given
Minsk – third from left during a political rally at Mar de Lard.
“It was broad daylight. I was on my way out of the post office when three adolescent bears approached me demanding spare change. Looking around I realized I had no backup so I handed each of them a dollar. Later I received an unfair lecture from the game warden. Three bucks is better than the alternative.”
Elochs with his two daughters
– Walter Gold Elochs, Camp Bird Road
“I had been to the dinner at a friends’ one night and decided not to drive home. I went to lock my pickup only to discover a sow sitting behind the wheel. I just kept walking, making a mental note to stay off the Campari and to roll up the windows of my truck from now on.”
Bruin
– Sly Kodiak, DallasTrail Estates
“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m scared of bears.
– Suga Bruin, Dallas, TX
Denied political prisoner status, this
innocent enough young black bear
awaits transport to a reservation in Utah.
These eye-witness chronicles represent only a fraction of the bear sightings in Ouray this fall. Do you have one to share? E-Mail us at uncompahgre@bearscat.com.
Midterms out Friday
(Heaven) The academic gods have reportedly finished grading papers, posting test scores and charting positive and negative behavior in the classroom. Homo Sapiens has maintained a low C drifting into high D…never complete failure but likewise only recording spotty, clumsy lunges into the A and B zones.
“Many of the poorly performing students could flunk out and be washed away like paper boats in a hurricane,” said Greta Grippe, recently appointed Czar of Education in states still loyal to the government in Washington.
“At least the comprehension gurus ain’t talking final exams,” said Grippe. “Now that would be disturbing.”
In a related story local man Melvin Q Toole and two female companions have been arrested for handing out maps to the local library. Police deny the action saying the trio has been detained for its own protection.
-Estelle Marmotbreath
“However, Plaintiff in good conscience cannot allow his music to be used as a ‘theme song’ for a divisive, un-American campaign of ignorance and hate.” – attorney for Neil Young in copyright infringement lawsuit against Trump Reelection Campaign.
Massive Libido Detected Near Alpha-Omega
(Gunnison) Researchers here have discovered what they believe to be a giant libido floating merrily along in confined space reserved for other previously unknown, non-luminous bodies. The celestial patterns, of exotic non-baryonic form (stars and hot gas), not only dominate the charts but are growing each day at a rate beyond human comprehension.
At present the libido, unlike rogue meteors, ozone debris and haughty elliptical solar systems, poses no threat to the earth. Some conspiracy theorists insist the meteor is hovering nearby until it can determine the status of Covid-19 on earth.
The mass, within the optical radius of known galaxies, yields a non-dynamical estimate for density and powerful gravitational force. Measurements of disc rotation curves out to this optical radius, taken from earth, show a completely different universe with clusters of libido matter. It is not clear whether these clusters have had sufficient time to properly digest the virulence common to their internal motion.
“In layman’s terms this means we have been invaded by a potent dose of energy from what we like to call the pleasure zone,” said Alfalfa Romeo, senior analyst at Western State Colorado University. “We have been watching the libido form for three years but until now we did not know what to make of it. Photos sent back to our laboratory indicate the colonization of other star patterns by the encroaching libido which translates as a love/hate, hostile takeover.”
Romeo would not say what this presence might do to the billions of libidos now operating on the earth or how earthly preachers might rationalize the presence of other-worldly reality within the parameters of their own tired religious philosophies.
“Whether the mass will serve as an energizer port for human instinctual and biological drive is not known but I’m sure as hell going out on Friday. Most of us here feel that the manifestation of sexual drive will be most apparent at street level,” he explained. “Not much has changed yet. People still seem friskier on Saturday night than Monday morning.”
Intense gravitational attraction coupled with animal instinct could translate into less inhibited social encounters all over the planet. Behavioral standards might be lowered as population increases and pressure gradients explode. People will still flirt despite health concerns and social distancing.
“We know that when a large star has burnt all its fuel it explodes into a supernova. What is left collapses down to a dense object known as a neutron star,” continued Romeo. “We have seen these objects with the telescope and observe linkage reaction on earth and in Grand Junction.”
Scientists have longed believed that the effects of heavenly bodies can be observed immediately within a control group. The moon has a strong influence on the sea while the sun dictates temperature and light patterns. This latter theory, called the Halter-Top Postulate, helps explain increased animal attraction in the spring and why people are in such a rush to get married in June.
“That’s one reason that the level of most libidos rises after dark,” smiled Romeo, a former Uruguayan race car driver with a reputation as a bit of a rascal. “If libidos are pulled by the remarkable gravitational force it may reduce the need for small talk, you know, when boy meets girl.”
Reluctant to share data with government over fears that puritans may attempt to have the libido shot down, researchers remain at odds with military intelligence teams from Malta to Manchuria.
Scientists at Chile’s Observatorio Cerro Paranal near Antofagasta, which boasts the most powerful optical array on the planet, say they have been tracking the libido since 2018 but thought it was only the camanchaca (ocean fog along the desert coastline) playing tricks with our eyes. The barrels of pisco (potent brandy made from distilled grapes) weren’t helping with intricate calculations either, according to a one scientist.
“We already have giant libidos here in South America and didn’t realize that the gringos would be making such a big deal out of what is normal. We just continued to watch the formation of the libido, minus the cosmic strings. We can’t understand what our neighbors to the north are getting all worked up about. The libido is up there and we’re down here. We’re not going to worry about why. It’s a Latino thing.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
