All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
The People’s Quart
(An indicting synopsis of legal goings-on under the friendly green awning of jurisprudence)
The following data is lifted directly from court documents in Town of Jingo, County of Manana, Colorado. The information is released with the approval of principals herein for the benefit of personal freedom and access jurisdiction.
Idarado Mining Company vs. People of Colorado
At this point the saga attorneys for Idarado/Newmont Mining and Milling are just about to present “conclusive and irreversible evidence” that Idarado is not guilty of spilling waste into Bear Creek and therefore not responsible for future cleanups or EPA foreclosures. Instead, they assert, that less than hygienic Hippies swimming in the creek during the 1977 Telluride Bluegrass Festival polluted the water. The lawyers are asking that the court confiscate Bluegrass receipts to identify and prosecute the offenders and stop pointing the finger at the mining industry. Attempts to contact the alleged perpetrators has been slow going since many, almost forty years later, are out selling real estate.
Idarado/Newmont has also blamed for the presence of PCBs, acetone and trichloroethane in local rivers, on local Ute bands, which were forcibly vacated from the premises in 1874. That accusation will be undressed on the federal quart docket in December. A change of venue to the planet Mars is expected.
San Juan Horseshoe vs. Barnacle Media
Can a respectable journalist leave his bar tab to a colleague after death? Publisher and Retired General Horseshoe has gone all the way down to the knuckles on this one. His will, drawn up as a conclusive precedence to what is inevitable, leaves a stunning bar arrangement at Kochevar’s Ballroom in Crested Butte (With all of the privileges and responsibilities of the working press) to Crested Butte News editor Mark Reaman, an occasional sipper. Horseshoe who is still quite warm, claims that the tab options constitute roughly 3 times the value of his estate and thus cancels any advertising fees due the News.
He has gone on record as saying he would like to the keep the matter out of probate court because “everyone could die of thirst while that institution establishes jurisdiction much less validity over the avowed, albeit spirituous pact.” Reaman was not in quart this morning preferring to journey to Denver to accept a Ski Writer’s Award for penmanship.
Po’ Folk vs. Vail
The more than 300 persons were arrested in Eagle County on Saturday during a Poor People’s March on Vail were arraigned this morning. After promising to subsist and go home the violators were released on two months probation and a fifty-dollar fine that all but 3 refused to pay. Lawyers representing what the tastefully coiffured media are calling The Vail 300 are calling for the immediate release of all prisoners from the Gerald Ford Work and Ski Facility at Beavercreek, where they currently labor making turns, washing towels and picking up trash.
Civil liberties attorneys, who have joined the melee, are seeking an injunction against Vail that would provide for housing and mass transport for the workers in question. Circuit Judge, Oliver Cromwell has pledged to satisfy all concerns by the weekend. The Vail 300 inmates are expected to be moved to the John Elway Minimum Security Trailer Park in Minturn by later today.
“All the answers that I started with turned into questions in the end.” -Alison Kraus
Taliban Buying Pickups
(Silverton) Representatives of the outlawed Taliban will be in town this week purchasing small pickups used in their military operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan. The militant Islamic sect reportedly goes through 200 of these vehicles per month due to military action and general deterioration due to rough roads, harsh climates and driver abuse.
Taliban movements, thought to be limited to South Asia, were neither confirmed nor denied by local authorities. Persons wishing to sell vehicles are advised that this is considered treasonous and that all transactions are cash only.
Many locals here say they figure drones (unmanned missiles) will get most of the trucks once they arrive in Afghanistan.
“I don’t see anything wrong with selling a lemon to these bastards,” said one woman, “besides I need the money for firewood.”
The Taliban are expected in Ouray on Friday and in Paonia on Saturday unless they are intercepted and blown up by U.S. Coast Guard. A bounty of $500 has been placed on the assembled heads of these desperate assassins who say they snuck into the country on an illegal Barnacle Cruise last week.
“They are especially interested in Nissans and Hondas and they appear willing to deal for parts,” said the source. “They are avoiding larger models such as Explorers, Tahoes, Yukons and Hummers since they associate these large SUVs with Born Agains.”
According to one rather talkative Taliban, dressed in a loud, plaid burka, “Mohammed, or even Jesus would not have driven one of these opulent chariots and neither shall we.”
– Alfalfa Romero
This formula proves that masks work in controlling elements of the virus
If some of our countrymen still don’t get the picture take a few moments to show them this. They won’t get it but it might frighten them into wearing protection.
Nuns Have Nuclear Weapons
(Santa Fe) In a shocking disclosure the U.N. Atomic Energy Commission today confirmed rumblings that a remote sect of Catholic nuns has developed nuclear weapons and is working on a sophisticated system of delivery.
The Little Sisters of Hopeless Causes, a cloistered order located in a secret compound in Northern New Mexico, has allegedly isolated a source for plutonium and has conducted extensive tests with live warheads says the world body. Although no direct threats have been made it is surmised that the sisters will use the weapons as educational aids in lieu of ruler slaps on the palms, ear locks and bat kneeling, effective methods held over from the Spanish Inquisition.
In an anonymous letter, with perfect punctuation and penmanship, a group calling itself Nuns With Nukes, not only admitted to possessing the warheads but taunted incorrigibles around the world to “step up to the plate” if they didn’t like it.
“We have a right to defend ourselves from sectarians, anarchists, atheists and especially students who can’t sit still in class,” said one sister. “We are putting these disruptive elements on notice: Straighten out or else!”
The news, which understandably has students at Catholic schools in a heightened state of anxiety, was met with alarm by religious leaders all over the world.
“These sisters still wield a lot of power behind the scenes,” said a Papal spokesperson. “Even the Pope doesn’t know what to do with them when they get in this state.”
At press time negotiators are attempting to convince the more moderate elements of Nuns With Nukes to give up their weapons in return for a shot at the priesthood.
– Sir Otis of Liver
“There is absolutely nothing wrong with this country and therefore nothing to fix. So, if elected I’m just gonna sit on my butt, collect a nice paycheck, utilize the great health care and enjoy life at the top. Then I’ll start collecting my well deserved pension.”
– Big “Johnny” Ladron, candidate for the House of Reprehensibles
Museum Gets Nod
(Silverton) The final blueprint for the new 100% aluminum Silverton Surf Museum has gotten the nod from San Juan County Commissioners, two of whom have yet to wake up from the meeting. The proposal, which calls for a self-contained collection of local surfing memorabilia to be put on display during the summer months, could be easily be financed with funds created by parking fines and private donations.
The museum will grace the now abandoned Silverton Navel Station on the way up to Howardsville. The base, a strategic barrier to armed Japanese excursions during World War II, has been used to warehouse snow since the Fifties.
Several surfboard manufacturers have pledged donations and the historical society has been busy selling cookies to pay for decorative sand. Sources at the local chamber would not verify plans to rename most local streets.
“We are not yet ready for Ocean Avenue, Beach Street or Sand Dollar Road,” said the source. “The only waves you’ll see here are from motorists greeting each other on Greene Street.”
The Silverton Surfing Museum has been housed upstairs at the American Legion building since 1978 but all that displaced water has caused severe leaks in the old building and the floor is at risk. In addition crowding and competition for retail space continues to create cranial swells and serious rip tides within the community.
– Gabby Haze
“Bad Haircuts”
just a trim before the last time….
so that there was little left on top and a healthy harvest of grey strands on the side. For the finishing touches Wally shaved a six-inch semi-circle around the left ear and applied bootblack to the right temple. When he swung his victim around for a look into the cloudy mirror he sat back in anticipation.
“Kill him,” said Black Bart to the members of his gang who had now succumbed to laughter. “It’ll take two months for my scalp to recover and maybe a year or two before I can rob banks again. No barber, even one who says he’s from St. Louis, is worth this!”
Wally was quick to react.
“I’m awful sorry Bart, about your hair and all. I’d be happy to start from scratch and throw in a case of this hair tonic, which, if you ain’t too picky, tastes all right besides.”
Bart took a sip, snarled and motioned toward his men to do their duty. When they got Wally outside he talked them into a simple tar and feathering instead of the termination. The entire town, especially the ones who had gone under Wally’s scissors, turned out for the event. It was the first excuse for the ladies to don their finery and the men to wear their church-going suspenders since Old Man Rathboone was lynched back in ’88.
When Wally finally came to he was stuck to a barrel cactus some 10 miles from Rodentville. He was covered with tar, scattered with feathers and someone had shaved his head.
“I wonder who did the barbering,” thought Wally. “I could use an assistant.
Wandering off toward bright lights and barber poles Wally, engaged in some much belated soul searching.
“I think I actually enjoy giving bad haircuts,” he mused. “How sick. No wonder I’m always getting beat up or driven out of town. Maybe I should look for another line of work,” he thought looking down at his travelling barber kit.
“I’ve been trampled in Topeka, worked over the Wabash and had both legs broken in Marietta,” he shrugged. “But I’ve seen a lot of country and met a lot of great people in my travels. Some of them even let me cut their hair!”
Wally’s barber kit was comprised of six scissors, an assortment of combs, two mirrors, a straight razor and a dozen bottles of hair tonic. It had miraculously survived his most recent ordeal
“I can’t quit now,” he said to himself. “I have too much invested.”
After five lonely, thirsty days on the road Wally arrived in Muttontown, on the banks of the Dirty River. He walked into the Broken Dreams Saloon and ordered a beer.
“Howdy, stranger,” said a saloon hall girl from the corner. “What brings you to Muttontown?”
“I’m a traveling barber,” said Wally. “I’m in search of work.
“Really?” asked the girl sincerely. “That’s right amazing, since our last barber was killed in a gunfight last night.”
“Is that a fact?” gestured Wally.
TO BE CONTINUED
