All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Dinosaurs to blame for Slope roads
(Denver) The often-deplorable condition of Western Colorado’s roads is due to centuries of abuse by dinosaurs according to Governor Jared Polis. Likening the destruction to some 50,000 tractor-trailers dropped directly on the asphalt from the sky, the governor praised road crews and defended disbursement of public funds during his reign.
“These mindless lizards never paid one penny of highway tax either,” chimed newly elected Colorado Senator, John Hickenlooper, from the veranda of the gubernatorial mansion here. His appearance would be cut short as weather experts warned of a particularly dangerous brown cloud air index levels, serious enough not to be diluted by hot air originating with Hickenlooper.
The governor went on by blasting critics and free-lance skeptics who were quick to point out that no dinosaurs have roamed these parts for centuries. He equated the lack of attentiveness to history’s manifold destiny and the chronic fiscal irresponsibility of more recent times.
“This is no partisan issue. These animals did the deed many years ago and we are paying for it today,” said Polis. “even before they built Interstate 25.”
“One cannot discount the damage wrought on our transport arteries by these ignorant beasts or enormous mass,” continued the senator. “I am a brewmaster by trade and I’m not brewing far fetched tales here. Other states like Texas and Arizona have far nicer roads and the common denominator there is that no dinosaur bones have been exhumed.”
Governor Polis called on all students of motorized travel to do their homework on this issue. He promised to appoint a committee of archeological teams to further study the problem. Dinosaur fences have been proposed as well as a fossil fuel pipeline from Alberta to the Gulf of Mexico.
“We have already started building dinosaur crossings (with tunnels) and creating a sense of tight security around the more prevalent digs,” said one fossil scientist. “Some of our flaggers have even reported seeing dragons in the Bland Valley and the occasional rogue unicorn on the Uncompahgre Plateau. We must be careful not to upset the natural balance or there goes out chance at cheap gas for another generation.
It is commonly held that one day dead dinosaurs turned into oil much like Rumpelstiltskin straw turned to gold or Pinocchio puppets turned to real boys.
A Colorado Department of Highways spokesman assured voters that the problem would be handled and that residents and visitors alike would once again experience a quality drive on our highways.
“This is outrageous!” said one Republican county commissioner. “Next he’ll be telling us there won’t be a state of the state address because the dinosaurs ate his homework. Imagine our ancestors tied up in traffic trying to get to the gold fields or to the Rapture or to attack sleeping Indian villages. Not on these roads!”
There has been no response to the issue by the powerful dinosaur lobby since it is believed the group has suffered extinction, which according to some is the exact opposite of evolution.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Boogypersons for the Season (continued from before)
Compiled by Billy Carp
L’uomo Nero
L’uomo Nero is typically portrayed as a man dressed in all black that haunts disobedient children in the Eastern Mediterranean area. The bogeyman is often said to also wear a hood or hat that hides his face. The L’uomo Nero comes to kidnap children who disobey their parents, though unlike other boogeymen he doesn’t eat them. Instead, he takes them to a frightening place to live with him for a year.
Oude Rode Ogen
Oude Rode Ogen (also known as ‘Old Red Eyes’) is thought to be a shapeshifting cannibal who preys on young children. It is thought that the form this beast was most likely to appear in was that of a black dog with red eyes.
The Night Hag
The night hag is an evil spirit thought to cause sleep paralysis and nightmares. This spirit is an old woman who preys on fear and nightmares of her victims. She sits on the chests of her victims while they sleep, causing them to have difficulty sleeping and enter into a disturbing dream state.
The Jumbie
The Jumbie is an evil human spirit that comes back to haunt the living in Caribbean folklore. While similar to ghosts, Jumbies differ in that they cast a dark black shadow instead of appearing as a wispy figure. These spirits are malevolent and will target anyone.
Explanation of the Myth
Though there are some that believe the bogeyman myths are inspired by real creatures, the majority of people believe that the bogeyman is nothing more than a tale told by parents who wanted to scare their children into behaving.
Wewe Gombel
In the Semarang area of central Java, there lurks a bogeyman who strikes fear into the hearts of children and parents alike – the Wewe Gombel. This strange boogeyman is said to be a spirit that seeks both vengeance and acceptance. Although the Wewe Gombel spirit is evil in nature, it does not harm children. Instead, she kidnaps children that are being neglected or abused and hides them from their parents until she feels the parents have learned their lesson.
Even though she takes her vengeance out on the parents, she is feared by children as well for her strange habits. It is said that any child unfortunate enough to be kidnapped by the Wewe Gombel is forced to eat feces until they are allowed to return home.
El Coco
El Coco (also known as the Coco Man) is known to strike fear into the hearts of many Hispanic and Latino children. This strange beast is not known to have a specific appearance, but is instead thought to be a shapeshifter that is ‘terrible to look at.’ In some regions, the Coco Man is thought to have the power to transform into the thing a child fears most.
El Coco climbs onto the roofs of children who disobey their parents and waits until they fall asleep. It is then that El Coco sneaks into the room of the naughty child and kidnaps them for its next meal.
Babaroga
Babaroga is a Croatian boogeyman that has a deep hunger for disobedient children. This boogey is said to be an ugly old woman with horns atop her head. She stalks her prey at night and takes them back to her dark hiding place where she devours them.
Babaroga is thought to carry a bag that she uses to drag children away into her lair (which is often a cave). Sometimes she preys on children who venture out too late at night, while other times she is said to reach down through the cracks in the ceiling to grab her prey.
Tata Duende
Tata Duende comes to us from Latin America and is most prominent in Mayan and Mestizo folklore. This bogeyman has backwards feet and is missing his thumbs, which gives him an odd fixation on the thumbs of humans – especially human children.
It is said that the Tata Duende (which translates roughly to Grandfather Goblin) is the protector of the jungle. However, he can also be very mischievous at times. If Tata Duende finds a naughty child, he will lure them into the jungle and try to bite off their thumbs.
The Namahage
The Namahage is a Japanese demon who preys on children who are disobedient, lazy, or prone to crying. The Namahage is known to steal crops and disobedient children during the New Year. They are known to roam city streets during the night and calling out, “Are there any cry babies?”
For some ultra-fright please turn to Socialism in the US 2020 – The biggest Boogyman of all!
“The Mask of the Red Death is rather appro Poe for the times.”
– Kathy Mernitz, philosopher-thespian.
WAITING FOR WINTER, October 24,2020
In a blink of an eye autumn’s backyard daydreams drift into long nights by the stove. Spirits chuckle. Snow clouds in the southwest skies by morning, a Rocky Mountain warning.
Wait no more, October 25
A glance to the sky, a spec of white snow The lifeblood of creatures above and below. Then came the deluge – a foot or so.
“Peculiar imbecilities and theologic bilge.”
“Tennessee anti-evolution law, whatever its wisdom, was at least Constitutional – the the yahoos of the state had a clear right to have their progeny taught whatever they chose and kept secure from whatever knowledge violated their superstitions.”
– H.L.Mencken covering the Scopes Monkey Trial for The Baltimore Evening Sun, 1925
Sounds a bit like some of our brethren haven’t progressed at all in the past 100 years?
Propuesta de la Patria Vulcana
Una votación final programada para el viernes en el Senado determinará cuándo y si se establecerá una Patria Vulcana en la región de las Montañas Rocosas. Los vulcanos, aliados desde hace mucho tiempo de nuestra Federación, han estado presionando por su propio territorio desde 1974 cuando fueron expulsados de su planeta por los malvados Clingons.
Los sitios que se están considerando ahora incluyen Sapinero, Colorado; Page, Arizona y Mexican Hat, Utah. Como los lectores notarán, el área del lago Powel ha sido un lugar sagrado en la mitología vulcana desde 1956. Los extraterrestres terrestres han estado presionando por su propia nación dentro de los Estados Unidos debido a problemas de asimilación en nuestra cultura general.
“Se burlan de mi hijo en la escuela por sus oídos”, dijo un vulcano local. “Tararearán una melodía diferente cuando tengan que enfrentarse a él en un combate de lucha libre”, dijo, aparentemente refiriéndose al anunciado Vulcan Nerve Pinch, común a la especie y perfeccionado por el oficial científico Spock a bordo del Starship Enterprise.
No estaba claro de inmediato si los vulcanoides romulanos serían asimilados a la nueva patria.
El senador de Colorado Oral Noise le dijo a The Horseshoe que le gustaría que la medida pasara por la Cámara y el Senado a toda velocidad.
