All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Massive Libido Detected Near Alpha-Omega
(Gunnison) Researchers here have discovered what they believe to be a giant libido floating merrily along in confined space reserved for other previously unknown, non-luminous bodies. The celestial patterns, of exotic non-baryonic form (stars and hot gas), not only dominate the charts but are growing each day at a rate beyond human comprehension.
At present the libido, unlike rogue meteors, ozone debris and haughty elliptical solar systems, poses no threat to the earth. Some conspiracy theorists insist the meteor is hovering nearby until it can determine the status of Covid-19 on earth.
The mass, within the optical radius of known galaxies, yields a non-dynamical estimate for density and powerful gravitational force. Measurements of disc rotation curves out to this optical radius, taken from earth, show a completely different universe with clusters of libido matter. It is not clear whether these clusters have had sufficient time to properly digest the virulence common to their internal motion.
“In layman’s terms this means we have been invaded by a potent dose of energy from what we like to call the pleasure zone,” said Alfalfa Romeo, senior analyst at Western State Colorado University. “We have been watching the libido form for three years but until now we did not know what to make of it. Photos sent back to our laboratory indicate the colonization of other star patterns by the encroaching libido which translates as a love/hate, hostile takeover.”
Romeo would not say what this presence might do to the billions of libidos now operating on the earth or how earthly preachers might rationalize the presence of other-worldly reality within the parameters of their own tired religious philosophies.
“Whether the mass will serve as an energizer port for human instinctual and biological drive is not known but I’m sure as hell going out on Friday. Most of us here feel that the manifestation of sexual drive will be most apparent at street level,” he explained. “Not much has changed yet. People still seem friskier on Saturday night than Monday morning.”
Intense gravitational attraction coupled with animal instinct could translate into less inhibited social encounters all over the planet. Behavioral standards might be lowered as population increases and pressure gradients explode. People will still flirt despite health concerns and social distancing.
“We know that when a large star has burnt all its fuel it explodes into a supernova. What is left collapses down to a dense object known as a neutron star,” continued Romeo. “We have seen these objects with the telescope and observe linkage reaction on earth and in Grand Junction.”
Scientists have longed believed that the effects of heavenly bodies can be observed immediately within a control group. The moon has a strong influence on the sea while the sun dictates temperature and light patterns. This latter theory, called the Halter-Top Postulate, helps explain increased animal attraction in the spring and why people are in such a rush to get married in June.
“That’s one reason that the level of most libidos rises after dark,” smiled Romeo, a former Uruguayan race car driver with a reputation as a bit of a rascal. “If libidos are pulled by the remarkable gravitational force it may reduce the need for small talk, you know, when boy meets girl.”
Reluctant to share data with government over fears that puritans may attempt to have the libido shot down, researchers remain at odds with military intelligence teams from Malta to Manchuria.
Scientists at Chile’s Observatorio Cerro Paranal near Antofagasta, which boasts the most powerful optical array on the planet, say they have been tracking the libido since 2018 but thought it was only the camanchaca (ocean fog along the desert coastline) playing tricks with our eyes. The barrels of pisco (potent brandy made from distilled grapes) weren’t helping with intricate calculations either, according to a one scientist.
“We already have giant libidos here in South America and didn’t realize that the gringos would be making such a big deal out of what is normal. We just continued to watch the formation of the libido, minus the cosmic strings. We can’t understand what our neighbors to the north are getting all worked up about. The libido is up there and we’re down here. We’re not going to worry about why. It’s a Latino thing.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE
(Colona) The United States Forest Service has issued a warning to all humans using the public lands: Leave new wildlife alone! Cubs, fawns, chicks and other infant mammals, not mobile enough to travel with their mother while she hunts for food, are often left behind in a safe place. If left undisturbed, the babies will be rejoined by parents and nurtured till dawn’s early light.
Interruptions on the part of nosy humans create big problems according to the Colorado Division of Wildlife.
“Predators do their dirty work to be sure,” said Jack Spratt of the DOW. “That’s part of nature. It’s when these do-gooders and technological throwbacks get involved that we have real problems.”
Spratt says people should follow common sense rules and leave the babies alone.
“How would human parents feel if resident deer and/or chipmunks on vacation monkeyed with their infants when they stepped out for a breath of fresh air or to hit the can?” he stressed. “They wouldn’t like it.”
The proper response is always to avoid interrupting the natural relationship between animal families. If someone discovers a potential orphan he should leave it be at least until the DOW has had time to contact the parent. In addition, it is highly illegal to adopt a fawn or cub. At present there are over 2000 inmates doing hard time in Colorado prisons for these infractions.
“This doesn’t mean people can’t squash flies and mosquitoes no matter what their age,” said Spratt. “They are considered pests and have little use except to enterprising spiders and hungry bats.”
Another bugaboo is dogs and cats. These natural predators see young wildlife as dinner. It’s up to the owner to monitor pet behavior and thus protect infant deer or rodents from these often sporting carnivores. Training or restraining canines and placing a bell on the collar of prowling, domestic panthers is not likely to achieve this balance.
“The ending to the story can be happy or sad depending on the human factor,” said publisher Kashmir Horseshoe, adding that in over 43 years, this was the first functional USFS press release received by his periodical.
In a related story, the feds denied reports that dropping 4500 new porta-johns in National Forests throughout the West would disturb the wildlife there. The pooper shacks are deemed necessary where people are charged camping fees or admission. Insisting that the potties are placed in areas already contaminated by human smells, the feds’ software insists that animals don’t venture into these environs anyway.
In a further release from combined federal agencies it is apparent that the potties are a definite go. These custodians of the forest are the same ones responsible for erecting over 14 million brown and white signs on public lands from Medellin Falls to Bisbee since Teddy Roosevelt’s day. Critics say the feds might have limited the number of signs to about 20 and thus preserving the natural ambience of the forest.
-H.L.Menoken
AMERICANS MOST HAPPY WITH CROOK IN WHITE HOUSE
(Ouray – 1882)
According to an extensive survey 68% of American voters feel more comfortable with a crook in the White House than otherwise. With the recent election of Chester A. Arthur to the Presidency voters have confirmed data collected in the study.
Arthur became President after the assassination of James A. Garfield. A professional politician, Arthur achieved his goals by manipulating the political machine rising to power during a period of widespread dishonesty in every phase of government. Critics even go so far as to accuse Arthur of compliance in the murder.
He began his rough and tumble political career helping another crook, Republican Edwin D Morgan, become governor of New York for the second time. He was rewarded with an appointment as a general in the New York militia prior to the Civil War. When the war actually began Arthur had a safe and cushy job outfitting the militia for federal service. In 1862 he became state quartermaster general and his personal wealth grew quickly.
After the war he was appointed Collector for the Port of New York by another honest man, President U.S. Grant. During his tenure he saw to it that party regulars were given the good jobs. They, in turn paid, a percentage of their wages into Republican party campaign funds. Clever.
After Rutherford B. Hayes became President in 1877 he attempted to control this spoils system that had emerged. He appointed a commission to investigate the New York Customs House and it reported that three officers, including Arthur were neglecting their duties to handle party matters.
According to Frederick T. Frelinghuysen, Arthur’s Secretary of State Arthur has never done anything anyone else hadn’t already done.
“He’s no bigger crook than Grant…or even Hayes,” said Frelinghuysen. “His manipulation and sale of the Brooklyn Bridge will go down in history as “good business”. His renovation of the White House after it was occupied but downright slobs deserves acclaim,” said the secretary. “Just because all of his old buddies are getting rich off the American taxpayer doesn’t make him a bad guy.”
Many Americans, waking up to the threats from outside interests see a capable President as one who can make a few deals, twist a few wrists. They seem to accept the fact that some graft will occur and ignore hands in the cookie jar. Under all those whiskers they prefer to see their President as a good guy who is deserving of respect.
“We can’t keep an eye on the Brits and the lid on the Indian situation without someone who can pull a few strings residing in the White House,” explained one voter. “I say let him have at it. If he gets thrown in jail there’s always his vice-President, if he only had one.”
Continued in 1883
Local Landfills Seek Rebranding
(Montrose) Sick and tired of being called the dump, local trash brokers here are completing a serious makeover of this and other associate landfills. Image-conscious trademarks and logos are high on the docket and should be completed by fall. Then a soft opening for Christmas is slated, followed by a hard opening the following summer.
“It’s flat amazing how fast bureaucracies can move once someone lights a fire under them,” said Wynonna Wrapp, a consumer advocate and environmental technician. “In fairness we have seen government agencies shift gears and implement programs that benefit all clientele, from the lowest of disposers to the corporate garbage collectors”.
Tree planting, ponds, shade, windbreaks, a gift shop and a hermetically-sealed cafe are all in the works. Socialist shuttles to and from the destination sites are all part of the plan to humanize the waste experience.
Citing problems discarding debris, Wrapp called on municipalities to change the way we throw away our garbage. “Allowing our clientele access to heavy equipment and explosive devices would send a strong message that we encourage participation in the process of burying refuse, which we do not!”
Economic development committees, reportedly headquartered in nearby commercial zones, will begin weekly visits to the Gold Star Waste Sites and prepare blueprints aimed at a more pleasant encounter for the throngs of visitors expected in the heavy tourist months. Live music venues, tractor pulls and cook-offs aren’t far behind according to varied sources.
“Sure little souvenirs are nice, rides & balloons are positive and shooting rats is fun,” said Wrapp, “but we hope to get to the bottom of such conflicts as flies and aroma. We want to keep it cleaner. We want to educate.”
Email them at www.teamlandfill@usa.com and they’ll send you an hourly email so you can follow the entire transformation from home. And don’t forget to sign up to win a signature dumpster or a previously owned microwave. Other great prizes like big-screen TVs, hats and t-shirts plus garbage bags for life.
– Tommy Middlefinger
New Shipment of Dogs Expected
(Crested Butte) This month’s allotment of dogs is slated to arrive this afternoon from the National Humane Society in Washington DC. Although Colorado already leads the nation in canines per capita the demand for new breeds and age diversification remains high.
The animals will be air lifted into Colorado and dropped via parachute to prearranged locations all over the Western Slope. All potential pet owners have to do is pick up the dog of their choice. return paperwork, (attached to the prefab collar), to the gov’ment. Transfer taxes, filing fees, adoption papers, feeding schedules, reproduction considerations, lineage, obedience training, field manuals, college planning and anger management are the responsibility of the new master. All outstanding sums are due June 15.
“There is just no way that anyone should be without a dog,” said Elmo Barque, Executive Director of Doggie Drop, a non-profit group that seeks to place puppies in suitable homes. “Even the most irresponsible, spoiled mountain child should have a companion. We do really well with the drop onto the Western State campus in September. Everybody wants a cute puppy,” he explained, “for at least a week or two.”
Barque refused to comment when asked about a possible doggie pickup program slated to kick off in October.
“Dogs shouldn’t ride in the backs of pickups,” he shot. “It’s dangerous. Haven’t you ever watched that Major Hoolihan on TV?”
– Rocky Flats
Building permits, marriage licenses, Colorado residency documents, insurance cards, driving permits, Sociable Security cards, teeth pulled, gentle recycling, dog food on weekends. Mack the Hack
