All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Snowpack demand in US creates cocaine wars down south
(Miami) The continued demand for cocaine in the US is the overwhelming reason for violence and ecological disaster in Colombia say leading international justice concerns.
Colombians are killing each other to determine who sells coke to the gringos. The only effective war on drugs is legalization, which is not profitable to the politicians in either country. Never mind the coke hounds in the US that effectively destroy their lives to snort the shit.
“People all over the world think we’re narcos,” said one taxi driver in Rio Negro. “We’re not. We’re just trying to survive like anyone else. The desire for the drug in the US and Europe feeds the production monster down here.”
Usage in most South American countries is dwarfed by consumption in “more developed countries. Most travelers will rarely come across the drug in most of Colombia and Ecuador, unless, of corpse, seek it.”
Meanwhile the situation is getting much darker while the nose pigs throw their dollars and Euros at the wretches of society who are becoming quite wealthy and more powerful in the exchange.
-Oral Waters
The Fisherman
Although I can see him still—
The freckled man who goes
To a gray place on a hill
In gray Connemara clothes
At dawn to cast his flies—
It’s long since I began
To call up to the eyes
This wise and simple man.
All day I’d looked in the face
What I had hoped it would be
To write for my own race
And the reality:
The living men that I hate,
The dead man that I loved,
The craven man in his seat,
The insolent unreproved—
And no knave brought to book
Who has won a drunken cheer—
The witty man and his joke
Aimed at the commonest ear,
The clever man who cries
The catch cries of the clown,
The beating down of the wise
And great Art beaten down.
Maybe a twelve-month since
Suddenly I began,
In scorn of this audience,
Imagining a man,
And his sun-freckled face
And gray Connemara cloth,
Climbing up to a place
Where stone is dark with froth,
And the down turn of his wrist
When the flies drop in the stream—
A man who does not exist,
A man who is but a dream;
And cried, “Before I am old
I shall have written him one
Poem maybe as cold
And passionate as the dawn.”
TAYLOR HALL SELLS FOR $2.6 MILLION
(Gunnison) In what appears to be a case of mistaken identity Taylor Hall was yesterday purchased by a Kansas couple. The buyers, who refused to be interviewed, will take possession of the property in early 2022.
Taylor Hall is the oldest building on the campus of Western Colorado State University. It currently houses most administrative offices including admissions, the college president’s chambers, alumni affairs, classrooms and many student support services such as a hair and body piercing salon and a state-of-the-art shooting range in the basement.
Myrna Beckerman, the Realtor who first listed then sold the hallowed hall, said she mixed up the property in a zip code meltdown and this week’s pandemic.
“How was I to know?” she whined. “Those photos in the Multi-Listings are always faded. They look like shots from a Manson family photo album. Who can blame me for doing my job. The price tag was negotiable.”
Prices for living eunuchs in Gunnison County have been in a mysterious upswing of late despite the high cost of survival and the lack of decent jobs.
“It’s not our fault,” said Beckerman. “It’s their fault.”
She did not elaborate or clarify to whom she was referring. In a canned statement her words were bottled up and somewhat jarred…all but recycled, clearly partisan.
As a result of the transaction the current residents of Taylor Hall may be looking for new digs come December. Although an appeal is in progress some there are dreading a move in the middle of winter.
“I have a nice little two-bedroom duplex on North Wisconsin that might be in their price range,” said Beckerman. “Otherwise I suggest checking out those cute storage units over by the airport.”
– H. L. Menoken
Why can’t the White Right
blacken its faces
and sit at the table
in the hall of the races.
Illegal juniper plants net bust
(Gunnison) A Western Colorado State University student was arrested this morning and charged with growing juniper plants in his basement apartment at an undisclosed location. Local police units say they raided the premises based on an anonymous tip. Soon after arrival they confiscated over 400 plants with an estimated street value of $100,000 in unprocessed and illegal and untaxed gin.
When contacted, attorneys for the man whose name has not been disclosed either, say they were not aware that the cultivation of juniper bushes was against the law in Colorado
“Sure a bi-product of the juniper is gin but at this stage the authorities will have to prove intent to distill and distribute. Our client does not have any of the apparatus associated with distilling or bottling the final product. He had five empty bottles in his entire house that were confiscated during the raid.
Meanwhile the suspect is being held at the local jail awaiting a preliminary hearing on Friday. The plants, which were uprooted at the scene, will be given to a local nursing home for replanting.
-Paula Pervenue
“Think it’ll rain?” – really bad pickup line in Sechura Desert near Piura, Peru.
Feds to tackle dependency on foreign olive oil
(Italian Mountain) Movers and shakers within the Biden Administration say they hope to reduce the nation’s dependency on foreign olive oil by 30% over the next few years. Adding that reserves already on our soil must be tapped they insist that drilling operations must be allowed in urban areas, especially in Mediterranean neighborhoods.
Although it is not clear where vast deposits of olive oil might be hiding, the Biden people hope to celebrate the nation’s diversity while improving its diet.
We think there are major inventories of olive shale all over the Rockies and, thanks to laws regarding the ownership of mineral rights we have direct access,” said one Department of Interior bigwig. “These stockpiles may be just under the surface or deep down in the ocean but we plan to harvest what we can so as to get the country moving in the right direction.
Phase two of the program calls for the planting of 3.5 million olive trees and the construction of pressing and processing plants along the Confront Range and in Utah. In order to flourish olive trees need just the right mixture of soil and sunshine. The Rockies provide both.
“Small farmers, many who have been cut out of the American Dream by large corporations are anxious to get into the action,” continued the source. Small batch olive oil production is controlled and limited allowing for more mom and pop players.
“We will not sit by and watch out population deprived of a Sunday drive, a nice fresh salad or an organic massage,” said one tired Democrat attempting to calm fears and assure that everyone an participate and benefit from these detours.
Olive oil cartels in Greece, Italy and Spain have been gradually increasing the price per barrel causing prices to drastically increase in this country. Combined with taxes and more taxes the average price of a liter of olive oil has jumped 45% since 2018. Unreliable sources within the Biden Administration contend that unless we wake up, the demand for the foreign substance will increase, placing “unholy pressures” on an already burgeoning trade deficit.
“We could even run out which would spell disaster for our vegans, chefs, vegetarians, restaurant aficionados and the newfound health-driven economy,” said the spokesman.
Olive groves, of corpse, provide lucrative targets for terrorists and others intent on disrupting our system, say the officials. Plans to unleash Homeland Security agents and paramilitary teams to guard the oil producing trees may be implemented just as soon as the picked-green-on-the-vine tomato crop arrives from Mexico.
White House whispers suggest that in Iraq, where insurgents have blown up olive fields, the situation has improved.
“We are seeing a return to normal there as the population has begun embracing Democracy and rejecting radical margerinism in their kitchens,” said the source. “We are assured that our allies in the Mediterranean will stand fast but freedom doesn’t come cheap and there are many crutons to overcome.”
– Suzie Compost
“Pray to Jesus. So are they.” – Colonel Edgerington “Dutch” Kahildegrand, moments before leading his Tommies over the top at the Somme in 2016.
PROPOSAL WOULD RAISE SOCIAL SECURITY AGE
(Froggy Bottom) Key Senate Republicans have presented a bill that would raise the age for full Social Security benefits to 86 it was disclosed today. The authors of the potential legislation say that raising the age for recipients will create financial solvency within the program and assure that everyone gets his share
Called No Old Fart Left Behind, the plan calls for sweeping changes and a gradual raising of the minimum qualifying age for persons born after 1935.
“In an attempt to jump-start legislation we thought we’d start high,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). “By the time those liberals get done with it we’ll be writing checks to everyone who ever worked.”
In most cases the current age for benefits hovers between 62 and 67. Despite the fact that funds for the program were taken out of people’s checks for their entire working careers politicians feel it is their right to manipulate the funds and redirect payments based entirely on age.
Other fat white guys in the House called for volunteer personal accounts for young people and promised to hold down bennies for upper wage earners. Some pension pimps suggest that since there is little manufacturing left in this country there are really no workers, at least in the classic sense. Therefore they argue nobody deserves a retirement check and the money could be spent in other areas such as oil drilling and the military.
“We’ll still be burning fossil fuels in this country long after these folks are all fossils,” said Noise.
If the 86-year cut-off is adopted rural Americans, many who voted Republican in the 2020 elections are expected to be hardest hit by the increase.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
