All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Elf Season Expected to have major impact

(Gunnison) The 2021 Elf Season is expected to bring over 5000 hunters into the Gunnison basin over the two-weeks of January. Despite conflicts over licenses and access to traditional hunting areas, the hunt is expected to have a major economic impact. Revenues collected could leap into the millions allowing residents extra cash with which to live it up or perhaps an escape to warmer climates over the winter.

Both the Colorado Treasury and the IRS remind merchants that they are not required to report earnings related to elves since there is no proof that they actually exist. Both taxing agencies went on to wish everyone Good Hunting!

CDOT Crews To Decorate Roadkill

(Gunnison) Due to a still muddy policy as to the timely removal of animal carcasses from the highways, state crews have been instructed to decorate the dead beasts for Christmas. According to a directive from top road officials the crews will “dress up the roadkill with reflecting lights and festive bulbs” until a specific policy on the matter can be determined.

At present jurisdictional conflicts have sullied the waters regarding responsibility for hauling off the carnage caused by collisions with vehicles, usually after dark. Despite a plethora of flashing signs that warn of game crossings, accidents involving herd animals and cars remain about the same as last year.

The action comes as winter knocks at the door. A spokesman for CDOT told The Horseshoe that his department didn’t want to offend visitors by leaving dead animals on the highway but that other priorities had to be considered.

“We want to establish a clear approach to the disposal of these unfortunate victims,” said Eleanor Trout, director of exterior design for the state. “Right now nobody knows where the responsibility for this unpleasant cleanup may lie. We need to examine job descriptions, masterplans and basic hygiene before formulating a solution.”

In the meantime crews will attempt to disguise the roadkill with all kinds of costumes and fanfare. One particularly innovative group near Almont has taken to placing hats and sunglasses on dead deer while an elk killed near Never Sink has been donned with ribbon, balloons, tinsel and solar-powered Christmas lights.

“To the average citizen this behavior may appear insensitive but it’s better than looking at blood and guts,” continued the spokesman. “Our hands are tied here until a specific directive comes down from the top.”

Traditionally crows and magpies have helped ease the tension by employing instinctive janitorial methods while scavengers such as coyotes and developers have also done their part.

“The birds are our best allies but how much can we expect them to do?” asked Trout. “They are small and deer and elk are big. According to our research it takes three weeks for nine crows to eat a deer and over a month for them to consume and elk. Sure, it’s all natural enough but in these days of air-conditioned cars, designer cows and hermetically sealed suburbs it looks shoddy at best.”

While most regional road crews have embraced the idea of decorating the roadkill others have shunned the concept preferring to engage in asphalt patching and mowing operations. In one case crews left a dead mule deer to rot for days while painting guardrails and manicuring shoulders.

“These guys work hard on the highways. Some may be in denial when it comes to removing roadkill but for the most part they are cooperative and do a good job,”added Trout. “After all we’ve built miles and miles of deer fence for these animals and they should shoulder part of the blame”

Officials in Denver say the matter will be resolved just as soon as they return from vacation. – Kashmir Horseshoe

“We don’t have twelve years’ experience in Vietnam. We have one year’s experience twelve times over.”

– John Paul Vann, who died in a helicopter crash near Kon Tum, Vietnam in 1972.

Dinosaurs to blame for Slope roads

(Denver) The often-deplorable condition of Western Colorado’s roads is due to centuries of abuse by dinosaurs according to Governor Jared Polis. Likening the destruction to some 50,000 tractor-trailers dropped directly on the asphalt from the sky, the governor praised road crews and defended disbursement of public funds during his reign.

“These mindless lizards never paid one penny of highway tax either,” chimed newly elected Colorado Senator, John Hickenlooper, from the veranda of the gubernatorial mansion here. His appearance would be cut short as weather experts warned of a particularly dangerous brown cloud air index levels, serious enough not to be diluted by hot air originating with Hickenlooper.

The governor went on by blasting critics and free-lance skeptics who were quick to point out that no dinosaurs have roamed these parts for centuries. He equated the lack of attentiveness to history’s manifold destiny and the chronic fiscal irresponsibility of more recent times.

“This is no partisan issue. These animals did the deed many years ago and we are paying for it today,” said Polis. “even before they built Interstate 25.”

“One cannot discount the damage wrought on our transport arteries by these ignorant beasts or enormous mass,” continued the senator. “I am a brewmaster by trade and I’m not brewing far fetched tales here. Other states like Texas and Arizona have far nicer roads and the common denominator there is that no dinosaur bones have been exhumed.”

Governor Polis called on all students of motorized travel to do their homework on this issue. He promised to appoint a committee of archeological teams to further study the problem. Dinosaur fences have been proposed as well as a fossil fuel pipeline from Alberta to the Gulf of Mexico.

“We have already started building dinosaur crossings (with tunnels) and creating a sense of tight security around the more prevalent digs,” said one fossil scientist. “Some of our flaggers have even reported seeing dragons in the Bland Valley and the occasional rogue unicorn on the Uncompahgre Plateau. We must be careful not to upset the natural balance or there goes out chance at cheap gas for another generation.

It is commonly held that one day dead dinosaurs turned into oil much like Rumpelstiltskin straw turned to gold or Pinocchio puppets turned to real boys.

A Colorado Department of Highways spokesman assured voters that the problem would be handled and that residents and visitors alike would once again experience a quality drive on our highways.

“This is outrageous!” said one Republican county commissioner. “Next he’ll be telling us there won’t be a state of the state address because the dinosaurs ate his homework. Imagine our ancestors tied up in traffic trying to get to the gold fields or to the Rapture or to attack sleeping Indian villages. Not on these roads!”

There has been no response to the issue by the powerful dinosaur lobby since it is believed the group has suffered extinction, which according to some is the exact opposite of evolution.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Boogypersons for the Season (continued from before)

Compiled by Billy Carp

L’uomo Nero

L’uomo Nero is typically portrayed as a man dressed in all black that haunts disobedient children in the Eastern Mediterranean area. The bogeyman is often said to also wear a hood or hat that hides his face. The L’uomo Nero comes to kidnap children who disobey their parents, though unlike other boogeymen he doesn’t eat them. Instead, he takes them to a frightening place to live with him for a year.

Oude Rode Ogen

Oude Rode Ogen (also known as ‘Old Red Eyes’) is thought to be a shapeshifting cannibal who preys on young children. It is thought that the form this beast was most likely to appear in was that of a black dog with red eyes.

The Night Hag

The night hag is an evil spirit thought to cause sleep paralysis and nightmares. This spirit is an old woman who preys on fear and nightmares of her victims. She sits on the chests of her victims while they sleep, causing them to have difficulty sleeping and enter into a disturbing dream state.

The Jumbie

The Jumbie is an evil human spirit that comes back to haunt the living in Caribbean folklore. While similar to ghosts, Jumbies differ in that they cast a dark black shadow instead of appearing as a wispy figure. These spirits are malevolent and will target anyone.

Explanation of the Myth

Though there are some that believe the bogeyman myths are inspired by real creatures, the majority of people believe that the bogeyman is nothing more than a tale told by parents who wanted to scare their children into behaving.

Wewe Gombel

In the Semarang area of central Java, there lurks a bogeyman who strikes fear into the hearts of children and parents alike – the Wewe Gombel. This strange boogeyman is said to be a spirit that seeks both vengeance and acceptance. Although the Wewe Gombel spirit is evil in nature, it does not harm children. Instead, she kidnaps children that are being neglected or abused and hides them from their parents until she feels the parents have learned their lesson.

Even though she takes her vengeance out on the parents, she is feared by children as well for her strange habits. It is said that any child unfortunate enough to be kidnapped by the Wewe Gombel is forced to eat feces until they are allowed to return home.

El Coco

El Coco (also known as the Coco Man) is known to strike fear into the hearts of many Hispanic and Latino children. This strange beast is not known to have a specific appearance, but is instead thought to be a shapeshifter that is ‘terrible to look at.’ In some regions, the Coco Man is thought to have the power to transform into the thing a child fears most.

El Coco climbs onto the roofs of children who disobey their parents and waits until they fall asleep. It is then that El Coco sneaks into the room of the naughty child and kidnaps them for its next meal.

Babaroga

Babaroga is a Croatian boogeyman that has a deep hunger for disobedient children. This boogey is said to be an ugly old woman with horns atop her head. She stalks her prey at night and takes them back to her dark hiding place where she devours them.

Babaroga is thought to carry a bag that she uses to drag children away into her lair (which is often a cave). Sometimes she preys on children who venture out too late at night, while other times she is said to reach down through the cracks in the ceiling to grab her prey.

Tata Duende

Tata Duende comes to us from Latin America and is most prominent in Mayan and Mestizo folklore. This bogeyman has backwards feet and is missing his thumbs, which gives him an odd fixation on the thumbs of humans – especially human children.

It is said that the Tata Duende (which translates roughly to Grandfather Goblin) is the protector of the jungle. However, he can also be very mischievous at times. If Tata Duende finds a naughty child, he will lure them into the jungle and try to bite off their thumbs.

The Namahage

The Namahage is a Japanese demon who preys on children who are disobedient, lazy, or prone to crying. The Namahage is known to steal crops and disobedient children during the New Year. They are known to roam city streets during the night and calling out, “Are there any cry babies?”

For some ultra-fright please turn to Socialism in the US 2020 – The biggest Boogyman of all!

“The Mask of the Red Death is rather appro Poe for the times.”

– Kathy Mernitz, philosopher-thespian.

WAITING FOR WINTER, October 24,2020

In a blink of an eye autumn’s backyard daydreams drift into long nights by the stove. Spirits chuckle. Snow clouds in the southwest skies by morning, a Rocky Mountain warning.

Wait no more, October 25

A glance to the sky, a spec of white snow The lifeblood of creatures above and below. Then came the deluge – a foot or so.