All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Tet – Vietnamese New Year
Cho tung nam moi! means Happy New Year and it’s quite a celebration from what I remember of it.
Photo on wall of ocean cafe
After two months in Vietnam I have embraced a startling reality. Most of these folks speak Vietnamese. They are really nice but have only a few words of English and often don’t understand my bad tonal Vietnamese. But when they hear me stumble over their language some get brave and offer a few timid words in my native tongue. Going to the outdoor markets is the best education.
Then you meet some loony that speaks perfect English. One such fellow named Anh Ming is one of these. He lived in France for many years and learned English while he was at it. I like English better,” he explains. He likes to drink beer in his parlor/garage, much to the leaner profits that grace the family piggybank when he’s here. He’s a live wire in his US Army hat and his plan to go to Hollywood some day.
Dinner is served!
You speak good Vietnamese. Are you CIA?
Fortunately I get my information from strategic sources: The neighborhood grandmothers who know what’s rattling all the time. The aroma from the neighborhood kitchens tells me they know something about eating as well. Last night I created my first real Vietnamese dish!
An Bang Natural Beach
Like being in a Jack Nicholson movie, Chinatown not because of any close ethnic ties, but rather because Vietnam is a lot like Southern California in the 30s and 40s. It ain’t perfect but the shaded avenues and the beach are splendid.
Tet is loosly translated as “Lot of food. You eat please.” All the ancestors come back to eat at the food altars. “It’s cold at the cemetery and we want to warm them up” according to my teacher. The kids get Lucky money in pretty red envelopes and me too! All the cousins stop and pay their noisy respects to Mr Toi who is getting hammered at 70. I stop in for brief intervals and meet everyone then make a quick exit. Mot bira Hai bira Ba bira (one, two,three beers….constant toasts.) Toi phai di ve ang I have to go. You need this phrase to survive the hops assault.
But they are out of squid salad
I take a bike ride over to An Hoi Island which must be the cosmic nuclear vortex of Hoi An. Lots of people and higher prices for some unknown reason.
These poor, deprived, victims of Communism are happier and warmer than the freedom-breathing plastic Christians that I encounter and read about in the US. It’s a shame all these cute, little kids will be spending eternity in hell because they embrace Buddhism….
A sweet breeze rambles across the rice field at my door makes me happy but a little melancholy too.
These people are perched
to take their place
in a frightening world
No Chinese. No French. No Americans
A free Vietnam for the Vietnamese.
My house in Cam Chau.
Question: Will the 8 – 10 km on bike offset my bad behavior after dark? Then Yesterday 2 beautiful potted plants brought by landlord: I must now water them water every day. When do the responsibilities end?
Today I have to buy a regulation Western fork. It’s getting far too difficult to eat scrambled eggs with chopsticks. The only way I can manage it is to turn up the lights and put my reading glasses on backwards. Tam beit!
READER RECIPES
The following culinary offerings were collected over the winter by bonne bouche/pot luck editor Juan Haute. They are probably approved by some federal agency or the other, and are currently being tested on nickel-and-dime politicians prone to taking their meals alone in their rooms.
QUICK ROADY BURGERS
Take approximately one half pound of lean ground beef and roll into a paddy using only left index fingers. Let stand, but remain seated. Place on toasted bun and garnish with tomato and pickle. Enjoy. Turkey burger can be substituted for ground beef, since it’s easier to catch one of those stupid birds than a whole damn cow.
SPAM-TWINKIE SURPRISE
In a large casserole dish combine grilled spam and twinkies saving the wrapper. After the mixture reaches a boil remove the white filling and place on the wall. Combine flour, water and lard to make a zesty crust. Turn entire ensemble often. Add one quart of gin and serve steaming over dirty rice or dry toast. Store leftovers on the window sill covered with last year’s visquine and a pinch of nutmeg. Serves four.
GRITS ON A SHINGLE
Boil grits until tender, adding jalapeno butter and light cream as you go. Pour concrete-like substance over Navajo fry bread for a multi-cultural delight. Hint: Your grits will come out fluffy if you prepare them (bulk rate) at sea level while wearing a Confederate uniform. Add tomato paste, holding back the tomatoes. Top with a mixture of shredded tofu and diluted yogurt seed, which will act as a deterrent to marauding pigeons hoping to rain on your parade.
LIVERWURST SOUFFLE
Soak lunchmeat in cooking oil over night. Fry bologna until it puffs up into convex shape. Baloney can be substituted for bologna in emergency situations. If meat is not tender, use as target practice and repeat the entire process. Prior to serving, arrange meat in pinwheel pattern to distract guests. Garnish with chopped garlic and crumbled memories of a difficult childhood.
EGGPLANT FIZZ
This popular summer beverage is easily produced using about a pound of half-baked eggplant and cup of sloe gin. Combine in a blender or shake vigorously for about 10 minutes until consistency is not in question. Add ice and top with seltzer water. Pour into large tub as guests may chose to submerge themselves in the mixture before drinking it. If supply should exceed demand on your first outing, do not despair. The eggplant fizz concoction works well as a kibble dressing or a grass roots lubricant on American automobiles or, of course, on a well manicured lawn.
POPEYE-OLIVE OIL WEDDING PLANNED FOR JUNE
Oooooooh…Popeye….
(Telluride) Comic book icons Popeye T. Sailor and Olive Oil have announced that they will be wed at the local yacht club sometime during this year’s Bluegrass Festival.
“It’s about time after a 80-year affair,” squinted the sailor, pipe dangling from his oversized lips. “I figured it was about time to make an honest woman of Olive.”
Oil will wear the combined ensemble of peasant dress and work boots that has become her standard over the decades. Her hair will be in a conservative bun accentuated by loop earrings. Her intended will be dressed in his sailor suit.
“Popeye is concerned about the removal of several erotic tattoos,” whined best man/caterer Wimpy (no last name given), “that he got in Singapore during the war.”
In a surprise announcement it was learned that U.S. former Attorney General Janet Reno would stand in as maid of honor. She and her current beau, Bluto, will fly into Montrose they day of the nuptials on their way to a gun show in Grand Junction.
The newly weds plan to spend their hideaway honeymoon on the Gunnison near Delta where a new crop of experimental spinach is about to pop. They plan to have a large family
Drinking Rice Whiskey
Tet, Vietnamese New Year kicks off this weekend. Lots of flowers and color…and rice whiskey.
This evening’s generous selection of Rice Whiskey was definitely fermented and distilled but maybe not too long ago. The shrimp spring rolls and chicken pate, compliments of my neighbor and drinking companion Anh (Mr.) Toui, were a nice addition to the fare and the liquor went down well. Mot Hai Ba YO!
This morning I practiced my patience throughout the Confucius-Tao-Buddhist Vietnamese realm: A spider size of Donald Trump’s hand was camped out on the floor in my office. Rather than confront the creature I played hooky from work and went to the beach. This Eastern thinking is working out quite well.
Lunch w/Jackie, Putin & Pilot at An Bang
I found out later that the spider was harmless and only ate bugs not people. The sun came out today at 9:21 am. It is the first real sunny day since Western New Years. If the rain continues I must be positive and reflect on the money I am saving on sunblock.
Jackie, Putin and Pilot with me
Today I spent the afternoon swimming in the ocean with two 12-year-olds and an interested, but still timid six year old, who probably saw the waves in a larger context that the others.
Can Lau for lunch, and why not? Best in An Bang is Red Apple on the street between the beach restaurants and the highway, right just past the bicycle hawkers who often jump out in front of you and grab your handle bars in an attempt to get you to park in their lots for 50 cents.
Ruins of My Son, the Holy Land of the Cham Culture in Central Vietnam
On the way back to town on our bicycles we stopped for lemonade whereupon the host lady returned with Lucky, a fluffy white puppy, who went to town with the children. I went back to the restaurant one morning for shrimp and eggs and they were closed. I was disappointed. How could they do this to me! It was like Trump shutting down The Washington Post.
Today I passed my bicycle operator’s test, which means I have been riding my bicycle all over Hoi An for two months and am still among the living. The traffic is insane but my bike gets me to the beach, to the old town and out into the countryside…and to the famous Cho Ba Le (fruit and vegetable market).
These little commies have figured a way to sell delicious Cold War tomatoes. I call them Cold War because we used to have good tomatoes in US back then. Now they are corporate plastic that look like tomatoes. Eat your genetically altered dinner or they’ll be no genetically altered dessert for you! People in the US are getting screwed and don’t have the sense to know it. Donald Trump is not leaving and Jesus is not coming back.
Entourage at My Son
I’m still studying my Vietnamese with a wonderful teacher but perhaps if the French had not Romanized the alphabet in the 1800s I would be forced to rely on karaoke to express my inner feelings.
Yesterday I attempted to explain to an shop keeper that I would not write a review on Trip Advisor because of the mass intrusion it has created. Then I told her I owned both Trip Advisor and Facebook. Fortunately my Viet is mot chut an he just smiled in admiration then tried to sell me a small Buddha carved out of soap.
I’d like to go on but I’m frightfully and frantically engaged eating peanuts with chopstick after closing all the bars on Cua Dai last eve. It could take all day.
Ice Sales to Mexico Leaves Chilly Legacy
Canadian and American relations, already strained by a colander of diplomatic discrepancies, has dipped farther still with the confirmation that Canada will go ahead with controversial ice sales to Mexico.
The undocumented, yet frozen, water will be delivered Friday in time for tourist season. The flow of visitors has diminished do to drug violence near the borders. It is hoped that serious efforts to improve the situation will end a message that everything is safe in Mexico.
If all goes according to plan the ice will be air-dropped to a remote mountain location next week. Residents in the landing zone have been warned to vacate the premises immediately. Transportation to safe havens has been arranged.
“After all of the bad press and animosity over immigration the last thing we want to do is run out of ice,” said a spokesperson for the travel industry in Guadalajara. “When the United States got weird and started the hesitate we called up Canada.”
Canada has more ice in reserve than any nation on earth including Russia. The arrival of an undisclosed amount of Mexican pesos could keep the Canadian lights on this winter. The legitimate sale is still pending in the Canadian parliament but is expected to pass easily on Monday.
There is still little word on what conflicts precipitated the arrangement. Mexico and the US have been buying and selling ice since the Mexican War in 1848.
Insiders say the neighbor to the south has become edgy when dealing with The Iceman across the Rio Grande. Rumors continue to fly regarding three new hockey rinks on the drawing board in Veracruz, Durango and Mexico City.
– Rocky Flats
“Dress suitably in short skirts and strong boots. Leave your jewels in the bank and buy a revolver.”
– Countess Markievicz, 20th Century Irish Revolutionary
Food – Not Bombs Bill Killed in House
(Warshington) A controversial Food Not Bombs bill was staunchly defeated in the House today, empowering hawks and leaving sponsors in dismay. In a nutshell the bill would have replaced weaponry with bread.
Although the details were sketchy going in the program would run along the lines of the successful Marshal Plan adopted following the isolation of Berlin in 1946. Instead of dropping bombs the US Air Force would food in rubber bales that would bounce, thus not demolishing at impact on the ground.
USA would be clearly marked on the packages of food wit the hopes that hungry people would see who was feeding them and who was just whistling Dixie in the theater of foreign aid.
“Ain’t no money in feeding people for free,” said a congressman from Kentucky.
“War is profitable.”
Supporters of the bill argue that morally is not the issue here. They insist it is much cheaper to feed people than bomb them with much more desirable results down the road. They add that there are slimmer provisions for corruption and graft. Plus it could be good for our farmers.
“What is this whistling Dixie?”asked a Russian observer attached to the House of Representatives. “We say fart in the cold. Is this the same idea?”
Meanwhile the Corps of Engineers, bridge builders extraordinaire, continues with plans to construct a concrete bridge from Washington to the Great Midwest in hopes of developing a dialogue and maybe encourage cultural exchanges.
Many American farmers. often subsidized by the gov’mernt for not growing food, have long been wary of federal programs wondering aloud who’s knocking down the bowling pins in this program.
“We figure if they’re giving us a shovel of easy money they must be making a truckload,’ said Slim Brennan-Zappa, a dental floss magnate from Germantown, Ohio.
