All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
POPEYE-OLIVE OIL WEDDING PLANNED FOR JUNE
Oooooooh…Popeye….
(Telluride) Comic book icons Popeye T. Sailor and Olive Oil have announced that they will be wed at the local yacht club sometime during this year’s Bluegrass Festival.
“It’s about time after a 80-year affair,” squinted the sailor, pipe dangling from his oversized lips. “I figured it was about time to make an honest woman of Olive.”
Oil will wear the combined ensemble of peasant dress and work boots that has become her standard over the decades. Her hair will be in a conservative bun accentuated by loop earrings. Her intended will be dressed in his sailor suit.
“Popeye is concerned about the removal of several erotic tattoos,” whined best man/caterer Wimpy (no last name given), “that he got in Singapore during the war.”
In a surprise announcement it was learned that U.S. former Attorney General Janet Reno would stand in as maid of honor. She and her current beau, Bluto, will fly into Montrose they day of the nuptials on their way to a gun show in Grand Junction.
The newly weds plan to spend their hideaway honeymoon on the Gunnison near Delta where a new crop of experimental spinach is about to pop. They plan to have a large family
Drinking Rice Whiskey
Tet, Vietnamese New Year kicks off this weekend. Lots of flowers and color…and rice whiskey.
This evening’s generous selection of Rice Whiskey was definitely fermented and distilled but maybe not too long ago. The shrimp spring rolls and chicken pate, compliments of my neighbor and drinking companion Anh (Mr.) Toui, were a nice addition to the fare and the liquor went down well. Mot Hai Ba YO!
This morning I practiced my patience throughout the Confucius-Tao-Buddhist Vietnamese realm: A spider size of Donald Trump’s hand was camped out on the floor in my office. Rather than confront the creature I played hooky from work and went to the beach. This Eastern thinking is working out quite well.
Lunch w/Jackie, Putin & Pilot at An Bang
I found out later that the spider was harmless and only ate bugs not people. The sun came out today at 9:21 am. It is the first real sunny day since Western New Years. If the rain continues I must be positive and reflect on the money I am saving on sunblock.
Jackie, Putin and Pilot with me
Today I spent the afternoon swimming in the ocean with two 12-year-olds and an interested, but still timid six year old, who probably saw the waves in a larger context that the others.
Can Lau for lunch, and why not? Best in An Bang is Red Apple on the street between the beach restaurants and the highway, right just past the bicycle hawkers who often jump out in front of you and grab your handle bars in an attempt to get you to park in their lots for 50 cents.
Ruins of My Son, the Holy Land of the Cham Culture in Central Vietnam
On the way back to town on our bicycles we stopped for lemonade whereupon the host lady returned with Lucky, a fluffy white puppy, who went to town with the children. I went back to the restaurant one morning for shrimp and eggs and they were closed. I was disappointed. How could they do this to me! It was like Trump shutting down The Washington Post.
Today I passed my bicycle operator’s test, which means I have been riding my bicycle all over Hoi An for two months and am still among the living. The traffic is insane but my bike gets me to the beach, to the old town and out into the countryside…and to the famous Cho Ba Le (fruit and vegetable market).
These little commies have figured a way to sell delicious Cold War tomatoes. I call them Cold War because we used to have good tomatoes in US back then. Now they are corporate plastic that look like tomatoes. Eat your genetically altered dinner or they’ll be no genetically altered dessert for you! People in the US are getting screwed and don’t have the sense to know it. Donald Trump is not leaving and Jesus is not coming back.
Entourage at My Son
I’m still studying my Vietnamese with a wonderful teacher but perhaps if the French had not Romanized the alphabet in the 1800s I would be forced to rely on karaoke to express my inner feelings.
Yesterday I attempted to explain to an shop keeper that I would not write a review on Trip Advisor because of the mass intrusion it has created. Then I told her I owned both Trip Advisor and Facebook. Fortunately my Viet is mot chut an he just smiled in admiration then tried to sell me a small Buddha carved out of soap.
I’d like to go on but I’m frightfully and frantically engaged eating peanuts with chopstick after closing all the bars on Cua Dai last eve. It could take all day.
Ice Sales to Mexico Leaves Chilly Legacy
Canadian and American relations, already strained by a colander of diplomatic discrepancies, has dipped farther still with the confirmation that Canada will go ahead with controversial ice sales to Mexico.
The undocumented, yet frozen, water will be delivered Friday in time for tourist season. The flow of visitors has diminished do to drug violence near the borders. It is hoped that serious efforts to improve the situation will end a message that everything is safe in Mexico.
If all goes according to plan the ice will be air-dropped to a remote mountain location next week. Residents in the landing zone have been warned to vacate the premises immediately. Transportation to safe havens has been arranged.
“After all of the bad press and animosity over immigration the last thing we want to do is run out of ice,” said a spokesperson for the travel industry in Guadalajara. “When the United States got weird and started the hesitate we called up Canada.”
Canada has more ice in reserve than any nation on earth including Russia. The arrival of an undisclosed amount of Mexican pesos could keep the Canadian lights on this winter. The legitimate sale is still pending in the Canadian parliament but is expected to pass easily on Monday.
There is still little word on what conflicts precipitated the arrangement. Mexico and the US have been buying and selling ice since the Mexican War in 1848.
Insiders say the neighbor to the south has become edgy when dealing with The Iceman across the Rio Grande. Rumors continue to fly regarding three new hockey rinks on the drawing board in Veracruz, Durango and Mexico City.
– Rocky Flats
“Dress suitably in short skirts and strong boots. Leave your jewels in the bank and buy a revolver.”
– Countess Markievicz, 20th Century Irish Revolutionary
Food – Not Bombs Bill Killed in House
(Warshington) A controversial Food Not Bombs bill was staunchly defeated in the House today, empowering hawks and leaving sponsors in dismay. In a nutshell the bill would have replaced weaponry with bread.
Although the details were sketchy going in the program would run along the lines of the successful Marshal Plan adopted following the isolation of Berlin in 1946. Instead of dropping bombs the US Air Force would food in rubber bales that would bounce, thus not demolishing at impact on the ground.
USA would be clearly marked on the packages of food wit the hopes that hungry people would see who was feeding them and who was just whistling Dixie in the theater of foreign aid.
“Ain’t no money in feeding people for free,” said a congressman from Kentucky.
“War is profitable.”
Supporters of the bill argue that morally is not the issue here. They insist it is much cheaper to feed people than bomb them with much more desirable results down the road. They add that there are slimmer provisions for corruption and graft. Plus it could be good for our farmers.
“What is this whistling Dixie?”asked a Russian observer attached to the House of Representatives. “We say fart in the cold. Is this the same idea?”
Meanwhile the Corps of Engineers, bridge builders extraordinaire, continues with plans to construct a concrete bridge from Washington to the Great Midwest in hopes of developing a dialogue and maybe encourage cultural exchanges.
Many American farmers. often subsidized by the gov’mernt for not growing food, have long been wary of federal programs wondering aloud who’s knocking down the bowling pins in this program.
“We figure if they’re giving us a shovel of easy money they must be making a truckload,’ said Slim Brennan-Zappa, a dental floss magnate from Germantown, Ohio.
Buffalo Phil’s Body Stolen Again
(Ridgway) The body of Buffalo Phil is missing again. Authorities here say that grave robbers masquerading as state highway workers brazenly disturbed his grave late last night and may have made off with the remains of the famous frontiersmen.
The late Buffalo Phil is reputed to be buried in an assortment of spots across the country. He is said to grace gravesites from Golden, Colorado to Cody, Wyoming to downtown Ridgway. Although no community can prove that it is in possession of the real Buffalo Phil’s cadaver, each holds a bang-up summer festival marking the life of the former mountain man.
This is the third time this year that Buffalo Phil has been taken. In two previous thefts, bodies were exhumed and then returned when crooks failed to extort ransom money for the famous stiff. Forensic experts have long concluded that there is but one Buffalo Phil and that the others are mere impersonators.
Communities such as Golden and Cody lay claim to the distinction of having Phil in their cemetery but so do such burghs as Moose Pit, Idaho (which hosts a local rodeo in his honor) and Big Hornet, Montana (where a Buffalo Phil look-alike contest is in its fifth year running). In Little Liar’s Grove, New Mexico Buffalo Phil sightings lead Elvis sightings by more than three to one in December.
According to residents of Carson City, Nevada, a pale and ashen Buffalo Phil was seen leaving Verandas of Venus, a local establishment of delight early this morning. An eyewitness, engaged in the delivery of propane at the said location claims that Phil strolled across a casino parking lot and got into a gaudily painted circus wagon then disappeared into the clouds.
Despite confirming that leads are shadowy at best, law enforcement personnel are working around the clock in an attempt to solve this macabre riddle.
– Ripple Van Winkle
Farcheezies stranded on Quad Lift
(Upper Forest Run) The Flying Farcheezies, a semi-notable East European high-wire act, remain stuck on the new high-speed quad lift above here it was disclosed this morning. The Farcheezies, the only living daredevils to successfully bunjy jump across the Black Canyon and negotiate Kebler Pass by electrical high-wire (over the same weekend) seemed relaxed in the face of chilly winds and sub-zero temperatures.
“We’ll rescue them as soon as we’re done making snow,” said Melvin O’Toole, Head of Lift Operations and Mountain Maintenance. “It’s not like we haven’t any other emergencies to deal with this morning. Frankly, these skiers drive me nuts. They seem to think the snow just falls from the sky!”
The Farcheezies have survived the night thanks to 200 pounds of trail mix and an orange from their backpacks. Although the Silver Queen Quad no longer features a cover it still has a convertible foot rack for the comfort of the ascending alpineer.
“I don’t mind a little cold,” said Enselmo Farcheezie, patriarch of the group, “but I hate like hell to have my legs fall asleep. These are the tools of my profession.”
Apparently the family boarded the lift at 3:59 pm despite warnings that the unit would shut down at 4:00 sharp. Accustomed to following orders in their native lands the family refused to jump from the lift or litter.
“We didn’t want to lose our gold passes,” said the older Farcheezie.
The Farcheezies were contacted by the local ski patrol at about sunrise and reassured that the lift would start up again at 9:00 am. When asked to describe the experience father Farcheezie said he could think of better things to do on a cold winter night and expressed thanks that the ordeal was almost over.
“It’s really quiet out there at three in the morning,” he shivered.
– Tommy Middlefinger
