All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Buffalo Phil’s Body Stolen Again

(Ridgway) The body of Buffalo Phil is missing again. Authorities here say that grave robbers masquerading as state highway workers brazenly disturbed his grave late last night and may have made off with the remains of the famous frontiersmen.

The late Buffalo Phil is reputed to be buried in an assortment of spots across the country. He is said to grace gravesites from Golden, Colorado to Cody, Wyoming to downtown Ridgway. Although no community can prove that it is in possession of the real Buffalo Phil’s cadaver, each holds a bang-up summer festival marking the life of the former mountain man.

This is the third time this year that Buffalo Phil has been taken. In two previous thefts, bodies were exhumed and then returned when crooks failed to extort ransom money for the famous stiff. Forensic experts have long concluded that there is but one Buffalo Phil and that the others are mere impersonators.

Communities such as Golden and Cody lay claim to the distinction of having Phil in their cemetery but so do such burghs as Moose Pit, Idaho (which hosts a local rodeo in his honor) and Big Hornet, Montana (where a Buffalo Phil look-alike contest is in its fifth year running). In Little Liar’s Grove, New Mexico Buffalo Phil sightings lead Elvis sightings by more than three to one in December.

According to residents of Carson City, Nevada, a pale and ashen Buffalo Phil was seen leaving Verandas of Venus, a local establishment of delight early this morning. An eyewitness, engaged in the delivery of propane at the said location claims that Phil strolled across a casino parking lot and got into a gaudily painted circus wagon then disappeared into the clouds.

Despite confirming that leads are shadowy at best, law enforcement personnel are working around the clock in an attempt to solve this macabre riddle.

– Ripple Van Winkle

Farcheezies stranded on Quad Lift

(Upper Forest Run) The Flying Farcheezies, a semi-notable East European high-wire act, remain stuck on the new high-speed quad lift above here it was disclosed this morning. The Farcheezies, the only living daredevils to successfully bunjy jump across the Black Canyon and negotiate Kebler Pass by electrical high-wire (over the same weekend) seemed relaxed in the face of chilly winds and sub-zero temperatures.

“We’ll rescue them as soon as we’re done making snow,” said Melvin O’Toole, Head of Lift Operations and Mountain Maintenance. “It’s not like we haven’t any other emergencies to deal with this morning. Frankly, these skiers drive me nuts. They seem to think the snow just falls from the sky!”

The Farcheezies have survived the night thanks to 200 pounds of trail mix and an orange from their backpacks. Although the Silver Queen Quad no longer features a cover it still has a convertible foot rack for the comfort of the ascending alpineer.
“I don’t mind a little cold,” said Enselmo Farcheezie, patriarch of the group, “but I hate like hell to have my legs fall asleep. These are the tools of my profession.”

Apparently the family boarded the lift at 3:59 pm despite warnings that the unit would shut down at 4:00 sharp. Accustomed to following orders in their native lands the family refused to jump from the lift or litter.

“We didn’t want to lose our gold passes,” said the older Farcheezie.

The Farcheezies were contacted by the local ski patrol at about sunrise and reassured that the lift would start up again at 9:00 am. When asked to describe the experience father Farcheezie said he could think of better things to do on a cold winter night and expressed thanks that the ordeal was almost over.

“It’s really quiet out there at three in the morning,” he shivered.

– Tommy Middlefinger

SOVIETS WITHHELD HANGOVER CURE FROM PEOPLE

(Moscow-on-Ice — January 3, 2017)

The KGB and factions of the former Soviet Union allegedly hid an effective cure for the common hangover from the Russian people for some 70 years. The cure, which reputedly involves a prescribed treatment of warm vodka, Tabasco sauce, Georgian peppercorns, vitamin B and liquid oxygen was discovered by Joseph Stalin while on vacation in Yalta in 1945. However, the paranoid leader did not make his findings known and, in fact, did not even share the cure with his best friends and family until he was on his deathbed in 1953.

The disclosure was released Monday as part of a further clean-up in the Kremlin. Current President, Yladimir Putin, has sought to distance himself from these goings-on.

“Mr Putin is too busy murdering his critics and annexing other countries to be bothered with this,” hacked a spokesman fo the Russian leader.

Stalin’s legacy lived on until last year when rumors of a miraculous cure graced the pages of Old Soviet Life, the former Communist Party mouthpiece. The paper did not print the exact recipe for the cure since it was reportedly “misplaced by Boris Yeltsin” in 1991.

“It’s amazing to us,” barked a Putin spokesman in a prepared speech, “that anyone could be so barbaric, so cruel as to withhold perishable data of this magnitude. All this time the Party was screaming about low production and absenteeism on the part of the work force and they may have had easy access to the saving catalyst.

The ancients had a cure for alcohol poisoning, as they called it, and researchers have been doggedly pursuing a cold trail in this regard since the Crusades. Factions of both good and evil have coveted the panacea since the Sumerians first brewed beer in 3000

-Grigori Rasputin Jr.

And you thought the holidays were over!

How do they do it? This incredible offer cannot last. Get yours today. Send $5000 for hermetically sealed crate. Franchises coming! For people who enjoy a nice dining experience after a nice dining experience. Delivery conditionally guaranteed by sometime this winter. Thanks to Real Alaska Magazine

Cheap for something you may never use?

Perfect! A donuts shop that sells brains out the back. Plus it appears to be a mini truck stop no doubt because of it’s strategic location in time of armed conflict. This glimpse of Americana was brought to you by New West Marketing on Montrose, Colorado

WARNING TO ALL CITIZENS

With the holidays upon us local residents and visitors alike are hereby warned that the artsy-craftsy types are out in force and could be working your neighborhood at this very moment. These annoying individuals can even be observed going through the winter garbage in order to satisfy their creative obsessions. Fresh from looting the alleys they will then return to their little hovels and attempt to turn stinky milk cartons into furry little bunnies and even fashion Yuletide headgear from pizza boxes or banana crates. Please watch your coffee grinds since these warped craftspersons will often attempt to reconstruct replicas of ski villages from soggy grinds and bits of aluminum. Bird houses are particularly popular, especially within circles of depraved artists who intend to spend the rest of the winter somewhere warm, with your money as a cushion. To further illustrate our point were you aware that the state of Colorado reported that over 400 traffic signs were stolen between December 1 and December 20 in 1999 alone? Many turned up as pirated lazy susans by New Year’s Eve. The best advice? Withhold all your garbage until after the new year. This way a concerned citizen deprives these parasites of the raw materials necessary to continue the age-old assault on all that is still right and decent within our borders. If this doesn’t work we suggest a small caliber pistol at close range. Sure, that’s radical but considering the circumstances…With the cops out patrolling the bars for revelers during the holidays we must take matters into our own hands or soon there will be no garbage left to hand down to our children. Lest we forget, we are all responsible for the trash that we generate until it hits the landfill and that’s the American way. -Editor