All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Ghost of Col. Sanders Haunts Chicken Plant

(Wimpton) He prowls the coops of the processing plant dressed in his white linen suit, a cadaverous, ghastly smile across his pasty face. His goatee is death-white too and almost starched, his glasses slip down his nose as he makes his nightly rounds.

He casts no shadow as he monitors the last hours of the feathered inhabitants.
Sightings have become almost commonplace here with reports of this Kentucky Colonel’s intrusions.

“We saw him one dawn after a night of plucking,” said Andrea Capone, who has worked at the processing plant since flunking out of Lee Harvey Oswald Middle School back in 1966. “He was real creepy and didn’t touch the ground. He just drifted through walls, clucking to himself.

Para-psychologists say the appearance of apparitions such as the Colonel are rare but do occur often in places linked to traumatic memories and unresolved guilt.

“We’ve had almost 300 reported sightings since summer,” said Dr. Wince Ardvarke, of Cal Amari College. “Certainly all of these witnesses can’t be crazy.”

Ardvarke, Professor of Macabre Economics at the well respected Pacific Coast institution gained fame after recording a posthumous conversation with the ghost of Jean Laffite on the River Road near New Orleans in 1980. He is author of the best selling novel Phantoms in the Pudding (Testosterone Brothers, Boston) in which he clearly states:

“Why are people so surprised at the presence of ghosts like these roaming around after dark. Do they think the afterlife is so glamorous? Imagine sitting around playing cards or dominoes with a bunch of pale riders all morning then shuffleboard with more spooks in the afternoon. Anyone would want to break free of this bond and do a little exploring.”

Ardvarke laughed when asked by one cynical reporter if ghosts were dangerous.

“No more dangerous than eating a diet of grease-fried chicken and instant mashed potatoes,” he said.

Local police have promised to increase patrols in the vicinity as well as around the nearby turkey processing plants buzzing with pre-holiday activity.

“Who knows,” cackled one officer, “we might even see Miles Standish or that Longfellow character out for a stroll looking for giblet gravy.”

– Gabby Haze

CALL IT MACARONI BILL GETS HOUSE BACKING

(Washington) A controversial new bill, which would legalize outright lying on the part of elected officials, has passed by a slim margin in the House of Representatives. Dubbed the Call It Macaroni Bill, referring to a line in the popular Yankee Doodle Dandy song, the legislation would allow the blatant stretching of the truth in situations involving national security, fiscal conflicts and romantic encounters.

“We don’t perceive any drastic changes from the accepted mode of behavior that has existed since Manhattan was wrestled from the Indians,” said Senator Oral Noise, Unitarian-CA, the sponsor of the bill. “We simply want to get the truth out of the closet and stop dealing with petty guilt at the expense of the public good.”

A supporting caste of sponsors, including the Pentagon, the nuclear industry, the tobacco lobby and Gunnison (Colorado) Rod and Reel Club, were said to be elated by the outcome.

“It’s about time our governing bodies got their heads straight on this lingering issue,” said Melvin Toole, a corporate spokesman for the pro-Macaroni alliance.

“For years they’ve been riding on their ponies with feathers in their hats, stepping on their noodles. I just hope the Senate wakes up and realizes the potential for the expedient justice that goes hand in hand with this progressive viewpoint.”

The benefits of “calling it macaroni” seems simple enough that even the weekend voter should be able to comprehend its effects. In the first paragraph, the bill clearly stipulates who can be the legal victim of benevolent mistrust and protective exaggeration.

“We have pinpointed a general constituency that will most benefit from Congressional lying,” said Noise from a phone booth at a former suburban Maryland Savings and Loan. “This includes wives, husbands, reporters, campaign workers, caddies, hotel clerks, embassy personnel, clergy, long-distance operators, household pets, bar patrons and members of the Supreme Quart.”

Insiders seem convinced that the bill will stroll through the Senate and become law just before the elections reach the limelight in 2018. This should provide a comfortable setting for Congressional campaigns and should filter down to the state level.

“We expect the question of prescribed dishonesty to be decided in state houses from Maine to Mexico before long,” added Noise,” as deception is not strictly a national issue. A formulative policy will facilitate practices that are not in conflict with any existing approach to governing the masses.

“In short,” he continued, “we have done away with the smokey back rooms and legitimized outright deception without all the baggage.”

Already, backers of the bill have lobbed an arsenal of shells onto the Senate floor. One lobbyist suggested that if the bill dies, elected officials will be forced to begin telling the truth.

“What kind of a precedent are we setting for the generations to come?” she asked.

“Who will pick up the torch if all the millionaires are busy misleading the public in the private sector. We must keep politics interesting if we plan to entice the well-to-do. Imagine the mundane cocktail parties thrown by a new breed of honest politicians extracted from the working class!”

Other more aggressive ploys conducted outside the Senate chambers included a high stakes, members-only liar’s poker game held at the Lincoln Monument. (Readers may recall that it was Abraham Lincoln who hurled the Union into a devastating, yet lucrative civil war under the guise of ending slavery.)

“My favorite ballyhoo has got to be the long noses,” said Noise referring to the distribution of over 1,000 Pinocchio noses to members of the voting body. “The senators who ditched today are going to kick themselves in the pants when they find out what they missed. I really liked the noses. Some of the legislators even took two.”

Noise stopped short of suggesting that the noses would turn the tide in the voting.

“I think the Macaroni Bill would have passed anyway,” he smiled. “The noses just created a festive atmosphere.”

-Kashmir Horseshoe

Uncompahgre Most Difficult to Navigate Say Linguists

(Bismarck, ND — Spelling Challenge Review –– February 19, 2017)

Uncompahgre was awarded top spot in the annual Spelling From Hell Super Bee held in this often-misspelled capital of North Dakota. Spelling greats, grammar enthusiasts and even the inventor of the digital Spell Check voted unanimously that the correct spelling of Uncompahgre was the most difficult to navigate.

The river itself looks pretty much like any other high altitude waterway according to the experts. There are mountains and green valleys and cliffs galore as the river runs from Red Mountain to Delta where it joins the Gunnison.

Other local rivers such as the Dolores, the Colorado and the Gunnison finished near last in the voting with the Animas, Rio Grande and Arkansas earning honorable mention in the local folklore category. The judges also heaped great tribute on the Yampa and the Platte for the employment of confusing letters and sounds in the one-syllable group.

“People in Western Colorado should be proud of their river since they are virtually the only ones who consistently spell the word correctly,” said Al Fabette, originator of the word games. “It may have the same number of letters than its larger cousin, Mississippi but it is harder to spell and pronounce.”

Fabette, a geographer of some repute, has spent the past 25 years searching the globe for hard to spell rivers, lakes and seas. His newest book Hard to Spell Mountains and Forests is expected in April. He can be reached on his pool phone or through this website.

– Ripple Van Winkle

Highway 50 Troll Road Opens Today

(Montrose) Motorists will now be charged a minimal fee for the right to operate their vehicles on Highway 50 from Monarch Pass to Grand Junction according to a spokesman for the Colorado Department of Transcendental Mobility and Gravitational Dimensions. The fee, larger than a bread box, but smaller than the national debt, will be levied based on weight, distance traveled and attitude. Tips are appreciated.

Heavier vehicles, especially tractor-trailers that already pay considerable road tax, will be charged slightly higher than say, tin yuppie four-wheel-drive transports. This particular decision came about by the flip of a coin over in Denver.

“We don’t like to let this kind of cat out of the bag since people might think we’re all sitting around on our asphalt,” said Princess Irm Peawit, whose father Reginald Peawit was recognized as King of the Highway during a stint as Detector of Roads and Bridges during the Eisenhower years. “After all, I just sort of inherited this job and, well, I wouldn’t want people to think I’m taking my responsibilities lightly. Hell, I might want to run for governor or even dog catcher down the primrose path,” she stressed.

Peawit went on to explain that the coin flip concept actually saves tax payers a bundle in that there are no lengthy meetings to contend with and no overtime paid out to black top consultants. She would not say what fiscal denomination was used in the decision making process but hinted that it was the same as the coin flipped to decide what color to paint the lines on the highways.

“People who complain about the toll or react in what is perceived as a hostile manner will be charged more and in some cases held up for hours,” said Peawit. “All of our toll engineers are equipped with an assortment of signs and two-way radios. We realize this charge is inconvenient for most motorists but one has to understand that highway maintenance costs money.”

When asked what her department has done with tax revenues earmarked for roads Peawit referred to the notes written on her arm and said, “We have been informed that those funds will be used to build stadiums for millionaires over in Denver.”
Coincidentally the toll road opens just prior to the expected annexation of Parlin by Gunnison and the arrival of tourist season.

“We have to keep up with the times,” said Peawit who echoed projections that the city of Montrose will be twice the size of Denver by the year 2030.

“Hard to believe, isn’t it,” she quipped.

In a related piece sources are mum with regards to a rumor that the Colorado House has approved a transaction that would send Colorado water to California in return for an extended culture package.

– Uncle Pahgre

Tet – Vietnamese New Year

Cho tung nam moi! means Happy New Year and it’s quite a celebration from what I remember of it.

Photo on wall of ocean cafe

After two months in Vietnam I have embraced a startling reality. Most of these folks speak Vietnamese. They are really nice but have only a few words of English and often don’t understand my bad tonal Vietnamese. But when they hear me stumble over their language some get brave and offer a few timid words in my native tongue. Going to the outdoor markets is the best education.

Then you meet some loony that speaks perfect English. One such fellow named Anh Ming is one of these. He lived in France for many years and learned English while he was at it. I like English better,” he explains. He likes to drink beer in his parlor/garage, much to the leaner profits that grace the family piggybank when he’s here. He’s a live wire in his US Army hat and his plan to go to Hollywood some day.

Dinner is served!

You speak good Vietnamese. Are you CIA?

Fortunately I get my information from strategic sources: The neighborhood grandmothers who know what’s rattling all the time. The aroma from the neighborhood kitchens tells me they know something about eating as well. Last night I created my first real Vietnamese dish!

An Bang Natural Beach

Like being in a Jack Nicholson movie, Chinatown not because of any close ethnic ties, but rather because Vietnam is a lot like Southern California in the 30s and 40s. It ain’t perfect but the shaded avenues and the beach are splendid.

Tet is loosly translated as “Lot of food. You eat please.” All the ancestors come back to eat at the food altars. “It’s cold at the cemetery and we want to warm them up” according to my teacher. The kids get Lucky money in pretty red envelopes and me too! All the cousins stop and pay their noisy respects to Mr Toi who is getting hammered at 70. I stop in for brief intervals and meet everyone then make a quick exit. Mot bira Hai bira Ba bira (one, two,three beers….constant toasts.) Toi phai di ve ang I have to go. You need this phrase to survive the hops assault.

But they are out of squid salad

I take a bike ride over to An Hoi Island which must be the cosmic nuclear vortex of Hoi An. Lots of people and higher prices for some unknown reason.

These poor, deprived, victims of Communism are happier and warmer than the freedom-breathing plastic Christians that I encounter and read about in the US. It’s a shame all these cute, little kids will be spending eternity in hell because they embrace Buddhism….

A sweet breeze rambles across the rice field at my door makes me happy but a little melancholy too.

These people are perched
to take their place
in a frightening world
No Chinese. No French. No Americans
A free Vietnam for the Vietnamese.

My house in Cam Chau.

Question: Will the 8 – 10 km on bike offset my bad behavior after dark? Then Yesterday 2 beautiful potted plants brought by landlord: I must now water them water every day. When do the responsibilities end?

Today I have to buy a regulation Western fork. It’s getting far too difficult to eat scrambled eggs with chopsticks. The only way I can manage it is to turn up the lights and put my reading glasses on backwards. Tam beit!

READER RECIPES

The following culinary offerings were collected over the winter by bonne bouche/pot luck editor Juan Haute. They are probably approved by some federal agency or the other, and are currently being tested on nickel-and-dime politicians prone to taking their meals alone in their rooms.

QUICK ROADY BURGERS
Take approximately one half pound of lean ground beef and roll into a paddy using only left index fingers. Let stand, but remain seated. Place on toasted bun and garnish with tomato and pickle. Enjoy. Turkey burger can be substituted for ground beef, since it’s easier to catch one of those stupid birds than a whole damn cow.

SPAM-TWINKIE SURPRISE
In a large casserole dish combine grilled spam and twinkies saving the wrapper. After the mixture reaches a boil remove the white filling and place on the wall. Combine flour, water and lard to make a zesty crust. Turn entire ensemble often. Add one quart of gin and serve steaming over dirty rice or dry toast. Store leftovers on the window sill covered with last year’s visquine and a pinch of nutmeg. Serves four.

GRITS ON A SHINGLE
Boil grits until tender, adding jalapeno butter and light cream as you go. Pour concrete-like substance over Navajo fry bread for a multi-cultural delight. Hint: Your grits will come out fluffy if you prepare them (bulk rate) at sea level while wearing a Confederate uniform. Add tomato paste, holding back the tomatoes. Top with a mixture of shredded tofu and diluted yogurt seed, which will act as a deterrent to marauding pigeons hoping to rain on your parade.

LIVERWURST SOUFFLE
Soak lunchmeat in cooking oil over night. Fry bologna until it puffs up into convex shape. Baloney can be substituted for bologna in emergency situations. If meat is not tender, use as target practice and repeat the entire process. Prior to serving, arrange meat in pinwheel pattern to distract guests. Garnish with chopped garlic and crumbled memories of a difficult childhood.

EGGPLANT FIZZ
This popular summer beverage is easily produced using about a pound of half-baked eggplant and cup of sloe gin. Combine in a blender or shake vigorously for about 10 minutes until consistency is not in question. Add ice and top with seltzer water. Pour into large tub as guests may chose to submerge themselves in the mixture before drinking it. If supply should exceed demand on your first outing, do not despair. The eggplant fizz concoction works well as a kibble dressing or a grass roots lubricant on American automobiles or, of course, on a well manicured lawn.