CRESTED QUIZ

Take the quiz. All the good things in life are free. Besides, you’re this far into it.  If you answer all of the questions correctly you need to get out of town more often.

1. If Bozar called the shots the White House would be what color?

2. Since the 1860s the dance of choice in the Slate River Valley has been: a.) the Watusi b.) the Bugaloo c.) the Funky Broadway  d.) the Polka.

3. Over 3,000 Indian head rock formations exist inside the Mt. Crested Butte town limits. Can you name them all?

4. Name the members of D.D. and the Bomb Squad. What was the title of their third album?

5. If you had 200 burros standing around in the middle of town in 1880 you could: a.) be in for a big cleanup. b.) have a lot of mouths to feed. c.) hardly hear yourself think. d.) make a small fortune hauling supplies to Aspen. What about 200 burritos?

6. Several wonderful inventions came about here. Among them are: a.) Skiing b.) Snow. c.) Texans d.) Flauschink e.) mountain bikes

7. If you turn left onto White Rock then go two blocks and take another left, than a right, then another left and go straight what would you run into?

8. Ruby Irwin refers to:

a. A breakfast omelet served with Spam, Velveta cheese and molybdenum.

b. The Wicked Witch of the East South East, who summers here.

c.  The original home of the Elk Mountain Pilot.

d. A prostitute who nursed over 400 miners back to health after a small pox epidemic in 1895.

9. During the boom days of the early 1900s what great Crested Buttian made up the schedule for two-story outhouse use during mud season?

10. In 1970 Cindy Quint and her magical accordion are playing at Frank and Gal’s Bar and Cafe? What’s the scene there in 2018?

11.) Uncle Meat owned a.) a butcher shop b.) the first gym in Crested Butte c.) a towing company d.) a very successful guide and outfitting enterprise.

12. If the Confederacy had won the Civil War a.) grits would have replaced home fries as a staple b.) Coloradans would vacation in Texas and Oklahoma c.) there would be a statue of Robert E. Lee in Totem Pole Park d.) Gone With the Wind would have been filmed in Rhode Island.

13. What do Jokerville, Smith Hill, Floresta and Painter Boy have in common?

14. True or false? The coal shed of Crested Butte’s first full-service barber shop, built in the 1890s, housed a still, and was not used to store hair as the story goes.    

15.) Summer in Crested Butte begins on ___ and runs through ____. (Temperatures not technicalities)

16.) What is the ratio of dogs to realtors in Crested Butte. (Use your calculator on this one).

17.) One has reached coolness in Crested Butte when a.) you own a complete set of tire chains for your mountain bike b.) the local marshal’s office gives you a nickname c.) the restaurants serve you breakfast after 11 am d.) the Alpine Express drivers wave at you on Highway 135. e.) all of the above.

18.) Where would the premier showing of the film Dr. Zhivago most likely be showing in 1970? a.) Klinkerhaus b.) The Tailings c.) the Princess Theater d.) Lawrence of Oregano’s.

19.) What was the biggest threat to the peace and tranquillity of  Crested Butte in the late 19th Century? a.) powder days b.) fire c.) Indian attacks d.) Wobblies.

20.) The last brothel in Crested Butte was named: a.) Mrs. Lovelace’s Notion and Confectionery b.) out for a walk c.) as the premise for time sharing d.) Frosted Fanny’s.

21.) Crested Butte burned down in 1889 a.) because it was made of sticks, not of bricks b.) to make room for a new quad lift c.) to collect the insurance when the mines weren’t producing d.) because wood burning ordinances prohibited it from burning up.

22.) The largest body of water in Gunnison County is a.) Blue Mesa Reservoir b.) Taylor reservoir c.) Lake Irwin d.) the ski area parking lot in April.

23.) Mt. Crested Butte, true or false?

24.) What are the seven naughty words never to be uttered on KBUT?

25.) Butch Cassidy’s real name was a.) Harold Zimmerman b.) Paul Newman c.) Neil Murdoch d.) Robert Parker.

Bonus Math Question: If the average income in Gunnison county is $45,000 and the average cost of purchasing a home is $325,000 how can Jack and Jill live up on the hill?

– Sir Otis of Liver

It’s all attitude high above Jardin, Colombia

Jardin’s local athletes perform bicycle stunts daily on the steepest part of the road above town. This guy went all out when he saw gringos with a camera. (Photo by Leland Saki)

Seeing the winter thru Rose-Colored Glasses

(Paonia) In an attempt to create a remedy for  the dreadfully horrible and very real seasonal affective disorder or (Sad), extremely imaginative scientist have produced the first available rose tinted glasses.”  The spectacles will be released to the public on March 1.

The disorder, affecting normal people in winter regions everywhere, happens during colder months since there is progressively less sunlight each day until the Solstice. If you feel exceptionally moody, hungry, tired, cold, bored, bummed, and overall hopelessly miserable, you may suffer from seasonal affective disorder.

Top scientist have figured out a way to contain happiness and then to transfer it into an ordinary pair of 2 dollar glasses. When placed upon the face, the wearer is reported to be immediately overcome with a sense of overall content and well being. Things appear brighter and more beautiful. Spokesman Zeb Smith told Horseshoe reporters “the glasses are a reward for all those people who struggle through winter each year and barely make it out alive. They may also substitute for smoking marijuana.

At this time manufacturers are quite unsure of the wide ranging effects the glasses could invariably create in the world. We suspect the results will be extremely positive.  The best thing about them is that they are entirely invisible. No one needs to know that the wearer naturally hates everything during winter months.”

The glasses can be purchased at the Old River Road Trading Post for 2 dollars a pair. No exam is needed.  If you feel no different when putting on the Real Rose Tinted Glasses then you do not have the disorder.

– Lady Jane

Snow architects need permit

Even pretty snowmen are on the reformist radar

(Crested Butte) Persons engaged at building structures from snow must have a valid building permit according to inspectors here in Gunnison County. Projects such as snow forts, snow pits, ice/snow sculptures, trophy igloos and even snowmen fall under this new regulation enacted by county officials on Tuesday.

     The action comes amid fears of overwhelming snow depths this year. The legislation goes into effect in 2019 giving residents and visitors a grace period in which to finish up projects started in 2018. It remains to be seen whether or not other counties will follow suit on the controversial move.

     “We’re forced to do something,” said one council member. “We can’t stand by while people build and build. So what if it’s all going to melt someday,” she said. “We’re concerned with right now. While we don’t blame people for taking advantage of cheap building material the situation here is deteriorating into structural anarchy.”

     According to county records some 250 snow structures have sprung up since the last big dump, often blocking access roads and pedestrian pathways throughout the municipal region. With another 98 inches of snow forecast for this evening it’s a now or never proposition, according to people familiar with the seasons here.

“We busted a couple of kids building a snowman Friday right out on Highway 135,” said the source. “Now what were they thinking? Soon these kinds of violations will be subject to fine.”

But county officials promised to go easy on juveniles guilty of infractions, unless the situation is deemed aggravated.

It was not clear if tunnels, wind breaks, mounds or snowmaking operations would fall under this fresh criteria.

Citizens are reminded that stacked firewood, parked cars and loitering will be tolerated in accordance with the existing statutes.  

– Suzie Compost

“If you are not willing to die for your freedom you don’t deserve to be free. Not this 3.2 freedom – it is real freedom from fear and want. Real freedom from the people who keep you down.” – Gyro Juju, 611

Your Weekly Trumping

In an attempt to deprive The White House of the attention it desires we will limit stories to one column per week. Since journalism is in the flimflam business too we feel the necessity to address this mean-spirited circus by loading just another atomic mass unit onto a broken, crashing cart.

Trump continues to refuse to release golf handicap 

From a man who sees himself as another Einstein but thinks Haile Selassie was a kosher sausage, comes a further refusal to share vital data with the American people.

Paired with his refusal to release tax returns, this latest repudiation shocked the sports world and is expected to create massive blowback much like a slice into the rough.

“Donald gets those hips moving he’s a threat. He bullies the bunkers and water hazards,” said a former caddie who once tweaked the president’s score card. “He cheats at every chance.”

In a related story the six Republican senators that landed on Mars yesterday have yet to formulate any plan for their safe return to earth. The legislators, on a fact-finding trip of with the potential for Biblical revelation, have circled the caissons and organized a filibuster against the solar system.   

TRUMP TOWERS HOSTS CHEATER’S SPELLING BEE

1. toxic

2. pariah

3. plutocrat

4. toadies

5. heart

Bonus: Find 10 shit holes on a world map?

Breaking News: The USS Congress sank today after collision with deep water fracking tanker in the Pacific. All are perceived as lost. Trump, in his Red cap, said to have been spotted in a terrific rowboat headed to Israel the only country who will let him in.

Trump’s Sun God Claim Misinterpreted in Liberal Press says Sessions

A deity to be feared and worshipped?

“I never said that,” he insisted. His retinue, along with many adoring young sycophants in the GOP “can’t recall him saying that.”

And Now The Federal Judiciary is considering installing lie detector machines in the White House. Machines disguised as ATMs are meant to catch persons guilty of mistruths without delay. Three lies and the liar is incarcerated right on the spot and held “tar baby style” until the Congress and Judiciary get there to make a formal arrest.

And if that’s not enough: A Blueprint of the Berlin Wall was today recovered from Oval Office. It had been the property of the Smithsonian. It was not clear how the document landed in the Egg Shaped Office in the first place.

– Another bogus accusation made against the defenseless and unsuspecting president by the mongrel, left-wing Muslim Marxist press.

Curt Review:

A new movie that has been billed as the epic horror film is set for release April 15. The premise is a bit far fetched and all of the actors are white males. Low cost zombies like Bill Pence, werewolves like Sarah Huckabee Sanders and vampires like the Cromwellian Paul Ryan are featured. Even a crisp cameo or two by the less than dynamic Evil Dwarf cannot prop up his shoddy piece of work. Skip it.

And they thank the Lord for the land that they live in where the White man does as he pleases.” 

– Nancy Griffith

Pence Denies “Bannon is Rasputin”

Vice President “Hoosier Bill” Pence vehemently insists that Rasputin, the deceased Russian monk, looks more like Hillary. But just look at the hand movements in each photo plus the comparative bad hygiene, beady eyes, angry glare, greasy hair and poor complexion.

Gregori Rasputin

The original accusation, linked to the ongoing Russian scandal, had no real impact among Trump faithful since most aren’t familiar with the mysterious Rasputin.

Bannon shocked party loyalists by unbridled criticism of the president last week calling Trump “a self-aggrandizing political charlatan who has lost his mind.” Trump’s former Nashville Security Insider later apologized saying he really didn’t really mean those nasty things and was simply engaged in a harmless game of political Scrabble.

“He is just trying to use big words here to throw us off the scent but it won’t work,” continued Pence, who said he hopes to be crucified some day soon. “Our King Donald bibles have a dictionary in the back.”

Steve Bannon

 Across the aisle of broken promises Democrats are asking themselves: “How would Maximilien Robespierre or Jean Paul Marat have dealt with these creatures?” It’s funny how the image of the guillotine keeps creeping back into this dialogue.

How much of this would Joan of Arc have tolerated ? How about Catherine the Great or a liberated Queen of Hearts or Emily Post with a hand-held missile launcher? Alas, we can only dream sweet dreams.

 In a related move a House bill aimed at terminating the title Honorable from Congressmen’s names (until they prove themselves so) is expected to reach the Senate floors and ceilings by the weekend.

“If one has only one plate he will rarely face a sink full of dirty dishes.”  – Gyro Juju