All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

ABANDONED SHEEP HAZARDOUS ON SLOPES

(Vail) The growing problem of abandoned sheep in Western Colorado is approaching epidemic proportions according to a filtered statement released by Colorado Ski Country on Thursday. Skiers are warned to beware of the woolly obstacles in areas where snowfall is light. Over 52 collisions have occurred since Christmas.

     Transient ski bums, who often discard their winter pets at the end of the ski season, are being blamed for the conditions. The poor sheep, made stupid by years of cruel breeding, have no other choice than to return to instinctual habitats which provide safety from predators and minimal nourishment in the lean months.

     “Sure, our slopes attract all kinds of animals due to general serenity and the extreme grazing potential,” said E.F. Mutton, a broker employed by the state tourism bureau. “The reality is frightening for mammals of all kinds and dangerous for plants and minerals too.”

     Electric fences have been installed at Crested Butte in an effort to keep the woolies off the slopes and the skiers in bounds. Many of the intrusive animals brandished signs saying Bo Peep-No steep and We’re sheep and we vote!

     “We have a lot of trouble distinguishing the clever sheep from snowboarders,” said one lift operator. “We’ve had meetings and organized night patrols. All we’ve concurred at this time is that the sheep are better mannered.”

     A recent collision at Telluride resulted in an impromptu lamb roast at Gorrono Park while at Monarch a shoot to kill ordinance has been adopted. Ski Dallas has shut its lifts down permanently even though no sheep have been seen within ten miles of the place. Powderhorn, long a sanctuary ski area, did not respond to our herding efforts earlier in the week.

     What is making matters worse down in Montrose is the increase in the price of lamb which tempts poachers from as far away as Pea Green and Hoover’s Corner.

     “The price of a lift ticket doesn’t seem quite as high if one can harvest a few sheep during the day,” stressed Mutton. “We can usually spot trouble early since these kind of skiers carry 22s instead of poles.”

     The authorities agree that it is people who should shoulder the responsibility of avoiding sheep. One innovative ski baron at Purgatory suggested offering the sheep limited discount passes in return for vacating heavy traffic areas and busy weekends. Most resorts have opted for feeding programs in Wyoming and Utah.

– Rex Montaleone

“Off with their heads.” – The Queen of Hearts

Fake Coals Mines Popping Up in Unlikely Spots

A throng of fake coalmines have now appeared on the landscape leading environmentalists to conclude that it’s another latent smoke and mirrors move by the current Administration. The mines have cropped up in spots never before believed to have coal under them.

One of the largest of the excavations is in the middle of Iowa, a state that voted heavily for Trump in 2016. Other extraction stations/mines have been hastily thrown up in Nebraska and Kansas. Often the facilities consist of phony shafts and false front above ground buildings. Hydraulic jacks litter the grounds, accentuated by draglines, shearers, piles of coal and tunnels to nowhere.

Smaller mines are reportedly under construction in such non-traditional locales as Mississippi, Texas and Wisconsin – states won by Trump – where playing to a pro-coal base/ideology appears to be getting some positive attention.

No new “cardboard buildings, forged production figures, counterfeit tunnels or bags of coal dust hauled from other locations, are present in coal belt states such as Kentucky, West Virginia or Colorado, leading critics to accuse the White House of grandstanding with no plan to follow through on flimsy promises to fossil fuel enthusiasts.

“Trump is playing games here with a tell-them-what-they-want-to-hear message peppered with untruths that have become synonymous with his reign,” coughed a retired miner.

The short-sighted mining interests have even introduced a little union busting and parasitic company store ledgers to lend authenticity to the moves,” said one former EPA official. “Many of us in opposition are like those “bear of Madam Bovary banging on pots and pans trying to get the attention of the stars.”

It was not known if a plan to build a wall across the southwestern border of the country would feature fake concrete thus falling in line with this coal scam. Many see the wall as an extension of ego on the part of the White House and conclude that the plan is already out of control. Already many Texas ranchers are at odds with what they call Humpty Trumpy’s Wall.

A source in the GOP House told the Horseshoe that false front banks, schools, bridges, churches, courts and assembly halls are projected for completion 2019.

“It’s our way of saving the infrastructure so important to every tax payer and their grandchildren who will be paying for all of our fiscal voodoo,” said General Worthington Bulbous, the last man who actually comes to work at the Pentagon.

“Although these do nothing to generate electricity they are preferred over windmills and solar power,” he said off the record. “Much of our constituency remains convinced that these methods are sinful and will lead to a crash. Now where do you suppose they got those ideas?”

– Fred Zeppelin

CRESTED QUIZ

Take the quiz. All the good things in life are free. Besides, you’re this far into it.  If you answer all of the questions correctly you need to get out of town more often.

1. If Bozar called the shots the White House would be what color?

2. Since the 1860s the dance of choice in the Slate River Valley has been: a.) the Watusi b.) the Bugaloo c.) the Funky Broadway  d.) the Polka.

3. Over 3,000 Indian head rock formations exist inside the Mt. Crested Butte town limits. Can you name them all?

4. Name the members of D.D. and the Bomb Squad. What was the title of their third album?

5. If you had 200 burros standing around in the middle of town in 1880 you could: a.) be in for a big cleanup. b.) have a lot of mouths to feed. c.) hardly hear yourself think. d.) make a small fortune hauling supplies to Aspen. What about 200 burritos?

6. Several wonderful inventions came about here. Among them are: a.) Skiing b.) Snow. c.) Texans d.) Flauschink e.) mountain bikes

7. If you turn left onto White Rock then go two blocks and take another left, than a right, then another left and go straight what would you run into?

8. Ruby Irwin refers to:

a. A breakfast omelet served with Spam, Velveta cheese and molybdenum.

b. The Wicked Witch of the East South East, who summers here.

c.  The original home of the Elk Mountain Pilot.

d. A prostitute who nursed over 400 miners back to health after a small pox epidemic in 1895.

9. During the boom days of the early 1900s what great Crested Buttian made up the schedule for two-story outhouse use during mud season?

10. In 1970 Cindy Quint and her magical accordion are playing at Frank and Gal’s Bar and Cafe? What’s the scene there in 2018?

11.) Uncle Meat owned a.) a butcher shop b.) the first gym in Crested Butte c.) a towing company d.) a very successful guide and outfitting enterprise.

12. If the Confederacy had won the Civil War a.) grits would have replaced home fries as a staple b.) Coloradans would vacation in Texas and Oklahoma c.) there would be a statue of Robert E. Lee in Totem Pole Park d.) Gone With the Wind would have been filmed in Rhode Island.

13. What do Jokerville, Smith Hill, Floresta and Painter Boy have in common?

14. True or false? The coal shed of Crested Butte’s first full-service barber shop, built in the 1890s, housed a still, and was not used to store hair as the story goes.    

15.) Summer in Crested Butte begins on ___ and runs through ____. (Temperatures not technicalities)

16.) What is the ratio of dogs to realtors in Crested Butte. (Use your calculator on this one).

17.) One has reached coolness in Crested Butte when a.) you own a complete set of tire chains for your mountain bike b.) the local marshal’s office gives you a nickname c.) the restaurants serve you breakfast after 11 am d.) the Alpine Express drivers wave at you on Highway 135. e.) all of the above.

18.) Where would the premier showing of the film Dr. Zhivago most likely be showing in 1970? a.) Klinkerhaus b.) The Tailings c.) the Princess Theater d.) Lawrence of Oregano’s.

19.) What was the biggest threat to the peace and tranquillity of  Crested Butte in the late 19th Century? a.) powder days b.) fire c.) Indian attacks d.) Wobblies.

20.) The last brothel in Crested Butte was named: a.) Mrs. Lovelace’s Notion and Confectionery b.) out for a walk c.) as the premise for time sharing d.) Frosted Fanny’s.

21.) Crested Butte burned down in 1889 a.) because it was made of sticks, not of bricks b.) to make room for a new quad lift c.) to collect the insurance when the mines weren’t producing d.) because wood burning ordinances prohibited it from burning up.

22.) The largest body of water in Gunnison County is a.) Blue Mesa Reservoir b.) Taylor reservoir c.) Lake Irwin d.) the ski area parking lot in April.

23.) Mt. Crested Butte, true or false?

24.) What are the seven naughty words never to be uttered on KBUT?

25.) Butch Cassidy’s real name was a.) Harold Zimmerman b.) Paul Newman c.) Neil Murdoch d.) Robert Parker.

Bonus Math Question: If the average income in Gunnison county is $45,000 and the average cost of purchasing a home is $325,000 how can Jack and Jill live up on the hill?

– Sir Otis of Liver

It’s all attitude high above Jardin, Colombia

Jardin’s local athletes perform bicycle stunts daily on the steepest part of the road above town. This guy went all out when he saw gringos with a camera. (Photo by Leland Saki)

Seeing the winter thru Rose-Colored Glasses

(Paonia) In an attempt to create a remedy for  the dreadfully horrible and very real seasonal affective disorder or (Sad), extremely imaginative scientist have produced the first available rose tinted glasses.”  The spectacles will be released to the public on March 1.

The disorder, affecting normal people in winter regions everywhere, happens during colder months since there is progressively less sunlight each day until the Solstice. If you feel exceptionally moody, hungry, tired, cold, bored, bummed, and overall hopelessly miserable, you may suffer from seasonal affective disorder.

Top scientist have figured out a way to contain happiness and then to transfer it into an ordinary pair of 2 dollar glasses. When placed upon the face, the wearer is reported to be immediately overcome with a sense of overall content and well being. Things appear brighter and more beautiful. Spokesman Zeb Smith told Horseshoe reporters “the glasses are a reward for all those people who struggle through winter each year and barely make it out alive. They may also substitute for smoking marijuana.

At this time manufacturers are quite unsure of the wide ranging effects the glasses could invariably create in the world. We suspect the results will be extremely positive.  The best thing about them is that they are entirely invisible. No one needs to know that the wearer naturally hates everything during winter months.”

The glasses can be purchased at the Old River Road Trading Post for 2 dollars a pair. No exam is needed.  If you feel no different when putting on the Real Rose Tinted Glasses then you do not have the disorder.

– Lady Jane

Snow architects need permit

Even pretty snowmen are on the reformist radar

(Crested Butte) Persons engaged at building structures from snow must have a valid building permit according to inspectors here in Gunnison County. Projects such as snow forts, snow pits, ice/snow sculptures, trophy igloos and even snowmen fall under this new regulation enacted by county officials on Tuesday.

     The action comes amid fears of overwhelming snow depths this year. The legislation goes into effect in 2019 giving residents and visitors a grace period in which to finish up projects started in 2018. It remains to be seen whether or not other counties will follow suit on the controversial move.

     “We’re forced to do something,” said one council member. “We can’t stand by while people build and build. So what if it’s all going to melt someday,” she said. “We’re concerned with right now. While we don’t blame people for taking advantage of cheap building material the situation here is deteriorating into structural anarchy.”

     According to county records some 250 snow structures have sprung up since the last big dump, often blocking access roads and pedestrian pathways throughout the municipal region. With another 98 inches of snow forecast for this evening it’s a now or never proposition, according to people familiar with the seasons here.

“We busted a couple of kids building a snowman Friday right out on Highway 135,” said the source. “Now what were they thinking? Soon these kinds of violations will be subject to fine.”

But county officials promised to go easy on juveniles guilty of infractions, unless the situation is deemed aggravated.

It was not clear if tunnels, wind breaks, mounds or snowmaking operations would fall under this fresh criteria.

Citizens are reminded that stacked firewood, parked cars and loitering will be tolerated in accordance with the existing statutes.  

– Suzie Compost

“If you are not willing to die for your freedom you don’t deserve to be free. Not this 3.2 freedom – it is real freedom from fear and want. Real freedom from the people who keep you down.” – Gyro Juju, 611